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other man
I Believe In This Gun....
"I cannot even believe I considered holding a gun in my hand." A young man wearing a nice suit, but if looked at closer it had been through a predicament. Dress shirt untucked, tie not pulled all the way up, the collar not button. When looking at the man, he had some dry blood crusted on the side of his head. There were quite a few blood stains on the suit. The man was going through an ordeal of incidents going out of control. Such is the way of life, turning the opposite way of what anyone just had.
The story that was going on with the man, is that he came to help a friend. Growing up together throughout the years until both moved on to other things. One stays the other goes. Both of them reaching a success on their own. The young man holding the gun shaking uncontrollably, wondering what to do. He was just there to help. He cursed his friend but yet felt so sorry for him as well. His so called best friend was murdered. For whatever reason it was most likely on the music cd he had made. Both of them had seek a career in music, one doing producing while the other instead took a more direct approach on selling himself out there.
"I believe in you, I really do. I would not be here if there was something different. I am putting my faith into what happened and trying to do the right thing. But why? Why did it have to be this way? Having to find out your dead. Everyone has been spreading that you changed that you were not the same person as before," the young man glanced at the cd sitting on a desk. He was in a motel, usually not his style, but with everything going on and people being after him. "Scared out of mind you have me. I'm just someone who just started my life. I know we had a fallen out but I still consider you a friend and I know you did the same. You sent this to me, and the information you have on here as well as your music is the key on uncovering someone's awful deed I will do what I can. I just hope I don't have to cross the line to actually kill someone. I have held a gun before but not to kill. The people that were after you are now after me, how did you make so many enemies? I knew we were different from the rest, I wish we could have both turned out better. You thought I over succeed you, yet it was the other way around. While you went out there making real music about real people, I was just there to entertain. I have the talent of bringing people close to me, if I really did not have a conscious, I do not think I would have came back."
Down the hallway was another man, walking very slowly quietly. Older looking guy, seem to have gone to a lot of places, seen a lot of things that were not suppose to be seen. The man began to think to himself, "The boy must be out of his mind, I will admit for him to make it this far really is impressive. To put so much faith into a friend that led him to the slaughter, how terrible. What am I saying? I kill people for a living. I was just too good at it and that is when people used me left and right. I did not mind, it was the only thing I was good at. I learned a lot, how to do this and do that to someone. Really it does all come down to emotions. Hunting the emotions thinking what the other person thinking. I wish I would have come out better, yet there was the right never truly sought out or costing a price, and the wrong that ends up getting away with everything." The man was wearing a pretty nice suit as well, hardly a scratch, the gun he was carrying had a homemade silencer, the silencer was actually a baby bottle top tapped tightly to the gun. Crude but effective.
The young man was in the motel room in the dark in the far corner of the room. The Hit man stopped in front of the door. They both watched the door knob. Either one of them could be dead in seconds, or both of them can completely miss. Thinking about it though, having a guy whose running on his heart and the other ending up being really good at killing people. The odds are siding with the hit man. The young man points the guy he see these shadow of the hit man underneath the door. He doesn't know it's him but he has to raise the gun or it truly could be the end of things. "God, I know I have not talk to you in sometime, but dad always believed in you which made me into the person I am today please... I don't want to kill anybody I just want to help, I just wanted to help. I don't know if I'm right or wrong but I feel right, am I doing the right thing please protect me, give me strength and just give me a true just answer," the young man bites blood trickling. The hit man closes his eyes, "He's probably in the corner, he was stupid enough not to turn off the lamp. That makes the calculations being in the corner indefinitely." He angled himself into the position that was needed. The line begin to fade, the intensity of what was going to happens, happens now.
The hit man twist the door knob than kicks it open to get in faster. Their eyes met, both shoot. Empty, the sheer terror on the young man's face to find out how stupid he was for not checking the ammo in the gun. The split second shaved off his life would cost him dearly. He someone managed to get down the bullet shot through his shoulder. "I can't stop too much at stake my life there is so much more to do!" He was thinking, his instincts took over. Having a useless gun was not so useless at all. The hit man feature were most surprisingly, the man was incredibly large. He must have been at least 6"3, he was already fully inside and almost already around the bed. The young man through the gun at him, hitting him on the side of the face. Did not even slow him down, the hit man's was truly at athletic peak. tackling the young man. The hit man truly had no choice, not knowing if the young man had another gun near the bed. They rolled on the floor, the hit man having the upper hand, he had his hand around the young man's neck. The sheer strength totally surprised the young man. The hit man slung him across the room through the wall into another motel room.
The adrenaline rush was kicking in, his forehead started oozing out blood down his face. "Too... Too strong. Must.." The hit man grabbed him by his neck lifting him up. The young man kicked furiously but to no avail. to be thrown again the young man with determination got both his legs wrap around the hit man's arm, doing a midair cross arm. It slowed the hit man down just a little but he was able to throw him down again. Getting back up in the process ramming the hit man through the wall worked out well. Yet it seemed the hit man was always a step ahead of him. the hit man used his feet throwing him over, the young man rolled getting back up but just now noticing the the other man had already gotten up and pulled out a knife. "I don't want to die here," the young man screamed. "You pretty much might as well die here, what good have you done?" the hit man actually spoke to him. he lunged, the young man side step he followed used all his might to block with his hand. The hunting knife stabbed full through his hand . The young man tearing up, "There's no way I can let myself end this way. There's more to life than this, we do not have to do this." "What makes you different from everybody else, people do things their way thinking they are always right.," the hit man was actually struggling but dominating getting the knife closer and closer to the young man. "But that's how we're suppose to live, I'm only doing this because I believe in it, and I believed in my friend. He wasn't the greatest but to still rely on me to the very end of his life, I must survive I will survive!" The young man punched the hit man in the ribs. The hit man thinking to himself, "He's putting up a good fight, that punch did good he's trained probably did shadow boxing, he's scared but hanging in there. I need to bring this to an end now."
The young man ran his elbow into the side of the hit man's face making him bleed a bit. He was incredibly built, even with him bleeding it was not much. The hit man wrapped his arms around the young mans waist and squeezed, bear hugging him, the young man drill both elbows into the mans neck and face. The hit man drops him and the young man throws a left hook then a right cross into a left uppercut. Trying and trying and trying to wear the hit man down, body shots, forget the face now, body shots are where it is. A person can only take so many shots to the body before keeling over. Unfortunate for the young man, the hit man had a solid hit to his stomach with his giant hand. His eyes got wide and he crumbled to the ground gasping for air. "I cannot move, so strong, took me out like that, I never stood a chance. Is this really the end of me, all I wanted to do was help, is it true that you can only help to a limit. I did not want to believe it, is this your answer to me God?"
Then he felt something very cold on the side of his head. The hit man was standing there with another gun, as if he toyed with him the whole time. He began to pull the trigger but stopped, he ended up putting the gun back in his suit. "Do you really believe you could have beaten me? It did not do too bad but you had no chance. Have you ever consider yourself to believe in your own words? It really did save you tonight. To believe in something no matter what and thinking you're doing god, when was the last time I did something like that? You're too much to kill would be a waste, there needs to be more people like you. You can keep that cd does not matter to me what you do next." "Why...? Why let me live you had me and will you not be hunted down by those who hire you?" The young man still gasped for air was yet pulling himself together. The hit man fixed his suit and picked up all his weapons, he leaned on a wall next to the giant hole they made. "I lived long enough also I have never been afraid to die. Of course if that's if they have the balls to kill me, I already have enough money as in. You got lucky, spitting all that doing good actually helped," he ended up walking off down the hallway and there he was gone. The young man laid his back against the wall hands on his knee, blood finally stopping all of over him, he ended up speaking to himself closing his eyes, "to befriend a hit man, what is the world coming to, or maybe it's telling me keep my friends close but my enemies closer..."
END
The story that was going on with the man, is that he came to help a friend. Growing up together throughout the years until both moved on to other things. One stays the other goes. Both of them reaching a success on their own. The young man holding the gun shaking uncontrollably, wondering what to do. He was just there to help. He cursed his friend but yet felt so sorry for him as well. His so called best friend was murdered. For whatever reason it was most likely on the music cd he had made. Both of them had seek a career in music, one doing producing while the other instead took a more direct approach on selling himself out there.
"I believe in you, I really do. I would not be here if there was something different. I am putting my faith into what happened and trying to do the right thing. But why? Why did it have to be this way? Having to find out your dead. Everyone has been spreading that you changed that you were not the same person as before," the young man glanced at the cd sitting on a desk. He was in a motel, usually not his style, but with everything going on and people being after him. "Scared out of mind you have me. I'm just someone who just started my life. I know we had a fallen out but I still consider you a friend and I know you did the same. You sent this to me, and the information you have on here as well as your music is the key on uncovering someone's awful deed I will do what I can. I just hope I don't have to cross the line to actually kill someone. I have held a gun before but not to kill. The people that were after you are now after me, how did you make so many enemies? I knew we were different from the rest, I wish we could have both turned out better. You thought I over succeed you, yet it was the other way around. While you went out there making real music about real people, I was just there to entertain. I have the talent of bringing people close to me, if I really did not have a conscious, I do not think I would have came back."
Down the hallway was another man, walking very slowly quietly. Older looking guy, seem to have gone to a lot of places, seen a lot of things that were not suppose to be seen. The man began to think to himself, "The boy must be out of his mind, I will admit for him to make it this far really is impressive. To put so much faith into a friend that led him to the slaughter, how terrible. What am I saying? I kill people for a living. I was just too good at it and that is when people used me left and right. I did not mind, it was the only thing I was good at. I learned a lot, how to do this and do that to someone. Really it does all come down to emotions. Hunting the emotions thinking what the other person thinking. I wish I would have come out better, yet there was the right never truly sought out or costing a price, and the wrong that ends up getting away with everything." The man was wearing a pretty nice suit as well, hardly a scratch, the gun he was carrying had a homemade silencer, the silencer was actually a baby bottle top tapped tightly to the gun. Crude but effective.
The young man was in the motel room in the dark in the far corner of the room. The Hit man stopped in front of the door. They both watched the door knob. Either one of them could be dead in seconds, or both of them can completely miss. Thinking about it though, having a guy whose running on his heart and the other ending up being really good at killing people. The odds are siding with the hit man. The young man points the guy he see these shadow of the hit man underneath the door. He doesn't know it's him but he has to raise the gun or it truly could be the end of things. "God, I know I have not talk to you in sometime, but dad always believed in you which made me into the person I am today please... I don't want to kill anybody I just want to help, I just wanted to help. I don't know if I'm right or wrong but I feel right, am I doing the right thing please protect me, give me strength and just give me a true just answer," the young man bites blood trickling. The hit man closes his eyes, "He's probably in the corner, he was stupid enough not to turn off the lamp. That makes the calculations being in the corner indefinitely." He angled himself into the position that was needed. The line begin to fade, the intensity of what was going to happens, happens now.
The hit man twist the door knob than kicks it open to get in faster. Their eyes met, both shoot. Empty, the sheer terror on the young man's face to find out how stupid he was for not checking the ammo in the gun. The split second shaved off his life would cost him dearly. He someone managed to get down the bullet shot through his shoulder. "I can't stop too much at stake my life there is so much more to do!" He was thinking, his instincts took over. Having a useless gun was not so useless at all. The hit man feature were most surprisingly, the man was incredibly large. He must have been at least 6"3, he was already fully inside and almost already around the bed. The young man through the gun at him, hitting him on the side of the face. Did not even slow him down, the hit man's was truly at athletic peak. tackling the young man. The hit man truly had no choice, not knowing if the young man had another gun near the bed. They rolled on the floor, the hit man having the upper hand, he had his hand around the young man's neck. The sheer strength totally surprised the young man. The hit man slung him across the room through the wall into another motel room.
The adrenaline rush was kicking in, his forehead started oozing out blood down his face. "Too... Too strong. Must.." The hit man grabbed him by his neck lifting him up. The young man kicked furiously but to no avail. to be thrown again the young man with determination got both his legs wrap around the hit man's arm, doing a midair cross arm. It slowed the hit man down just a little but he was able to throw him down again. Getting back up in the process ramming the hit man through the wall worked out well. Yet it seemed the hit man was always a step ahead of him. the hit man used his feet throwing him over, the young man rolled getting back up but just now noticing the the other man had already gotten up and pulled out a knife. "I don't want to die here," the young man screamed. "You pretty much might as well die here, what good have you done?" the hit man actually spoke to him. he lunged, the young man side step he followed used all his might to block with his hand. The hunting knife stabbed full through his hand . The young man tearing up, "There's no way I can let myself end this way. There's more to life than this, we do not have to do this." "What makes you different from everybody else, people do things their way thinking they are always right.," the hit man was actually struggling but dominating getting the knife closer and closer to the young man. "But that's how we're suppose to live, I'm only doing this because I believe in it, and I believed in my friend. He wasn't the greatest but to still rely on me to the very end of his life, I must survive I will survive!" The young man punched the hit man in the ribs. The hit man thinking to himself, "He's putting up a good fight, that punch did good he's trained probably did shadow boxing, he's scared but hanging in there. I need to bring this to an end now."
The young man ran his elbow into the side of the hit man's face making him bleed a bit. He was incredibly built, even with him bleeding it was not much. The hit man wrapped his arms around the young mans waist and squeezed, bear hugging him, the young man drill both elbows into the mans neck and face. The hit man drops him and the young man throws a left hook then a right cross into a left uppercut. Trying and trying and trying to wear the hit man down, body shots, forget the face now, body shots are where it is. A person can only take so many shots to the body before keeling over. Unfortunate for the young man, the hit man had a solid hit to his stomach with his giant hand. His eyes got wide and he crumbled to the ground gasping for air. "I cannot move, so strong, took me out like that, I never stood a chance. Is this really the end of me, all I wanted to do was help, is it true that you can only help to a limit. I did not want to believe it, is this your answer to me God?"
Then he felt something very cold on the side of his head. The hit man was standing there with another gun, as if he toyed with him the whole time. He began to pull the trigger but stopped, he ended up putting the gun back in his suit. "Do you really believe you could have beaten me? It did not do too bad but you had no chance. Have you ever consider yourself to believe in your own words? It really did save you tonight. To believe in something no matter what and thinking you're doing god, when was the last time I did something like that? You're too much to kill would be a waste, there needs to be more people like you. You can keep that cd does not matter to me what you do next." "Why...? Why let me live you had me and will you not be hunted down by those who hire you?" The young man still gasped for air was yet pulling himself together. The hit man fixed his suit and picked up all his weapons, he leaned on a wall next to the giant hole they made. "I lived long enough also I have never been afraid to die. Of course if that's if they have the balls to kill me, I already have enough money as in. You got lucky, spitting all that doing good actually helped," he ended up walking off down the hallway and there he was gone. The young man laid his back against the wall hands on his knee, blood finally stopping all of over him, he ended up speaking to himself closing his eyes, "to befriend a hit man, what is the world coming to, or maybe it's telling me keep my friends close but my enemies closer..."
END
"Safety"
So I'm driving home from my friend Sunshine sprinkle cup's house and this big flashy car comes up on my ass and flashes his lights at me and it freaks me out and i start thinking its a cop so i drive like such a grandma cuz i have no proof of insurance on me ( hmm im home now i should find this.. ) and i can barly see out of my windsheild cuz it's soooooo dirty and streaky.. (i cant get my hood to open. i dunno i didnt think i was such a girl. maybe its broken?) so i pretty much don't breath till the bottom of my hill and the car passes me, bitch hummer suv bitches and your tallness. bitches. gas. . .holes. exhale. fuck well shit i just almost peed myself for nothing then i start going up the hill and i notice im like right on the money for a speed limit (normally i 4o this bitch) and the instant i look up downt he hill comes a nmpd. muhahaha... fuck! score one for the man. obey.
ANNNNND! Even eairlier on my way home from work I was speeding like a mofo to meet a friend for such things and was definatly going 80, but he didn't come after me.. luck? psh.. I guess I'm so fearful cuz I'm a padittle from the front and the back.. yay baby.. both ways. whats the word where its spelled the same both ways.. racecar.. Effin Jesse is supposed to know this word, but when i call him nooooooooooo for he's far to drunk to remember anything.
as i should go to sleep for i need to wake at FIVE AM!
-adventured pixie-
.........you can dance if you want to. you can leave your friends behind.
cuz if your friends dont dance..
and if they dont dance...
well they aint no friends oh mine.
anthem
Here's to the grass that grows through the
cracks of the pavement on the street find the weakness
and defeat the concete
this is your'e mother calling, who you've abused and uprooted
chopped down, bruised, polluted, and used any way you've
suited
you know that book where that Tree
gives that spoiled little kid
damn near everything he needs
limbs, branches, and leaves
while i'm hear to decree now, that that Tree is me
but now I'm only just a stump!
this self fulfilling Profit Margin
got no way to stop enlarging
Monkeys will piss in the well
where they get there drinking water from
and not even notice the smell...
you say you wanna save the planet but you
know you're Mother's planned it so that
She's not the one who needs saving
so good luck with all of your paving
but you know that youi'll be sorry when I'm...
gone just like that little punk
who cut down my trunk and carved me up
and sailed away that day i admit i really wish he sunk
cuz don't forget in the end like destiny
he sat his ass on what was left of me
and sailed off int a strip mall sea
thinking, "Now where are my children gonna play?"
so here's to the grass tha's growing throught the cracks
and claim in the name of the Mother
the other side is fighting back
here's to the grass that's pushing up high
in that pace we used to call outside
you say you wanna save the planet but you
know you're Mother's planned it so that
She's not the one who needs saving
so good luck with all of your paving
but you know that youi'll be sorry when I'm...
-sigh- i had to post this because i wittnessed another unnecessary chopping down of an innocent life, Tree. HOW many more untill your HAPPY! untill you cant breathe, untill ur children have no idea what a vegetable is or what the woods look like.. damn! cement. ugh.
THE STORY OF ME &MY MAN 
LET ME EXPLAIN BOUT WHAT I MEAN............ i know dis man probably even betta than his own mother ? that's another long story and i don't wana tell too much of someone elses buisness . now don't get me wrong ; my man and his mom r very close . he would die for her and her the same for him . i didn't mean it like that . what i mean is i know the REAL ANTWAN on the inside . the man BEHIND the drugs , the man BEHIND the crime , the REAL MAN ON THE INSIDE . i know his heart . i spent nearly every waking moment 24/7 for nearly 4&1/2 years w/this man . that's taking out time that we have been seperated . ( one of us being locked up : we been together 5&1/2 ) .
he is a kid at heart for one and i know he will one day make a GREAT father . he has no children of his own & both of my kid's dad's r not in thier life , so i'm prayin he's a good step dad ! at all his family gatherings we've attended over the years (he has a HUGE family !!!!) all the lil kid's run for twan when we show up . while eveyone else is eating , drinking , ect. , twan is off wit da 20 or so kids playin catch or somin !
he also luvs God . his grandmother was REALLY da one responsible for rasing him . she died of heart trouble about a year b4 we met . she was his everything . my grandma has spoiled me & sorta been a mom alot of my life too , so i can really relate to the relationship twan , his lil brother , & his grandma had . but there was no man in da house . his grandpa had left his grandma for a very much younger woman and was in and out of thier lives . i dunno much about his lil brothers dad , but his dad was around but not involved in his life much if at all ? (his father is now serving time for manslaughter) we'll jus say mom was a rambler too . she loved and still loves her boys very much , but jus like alot of us mom's she's has her own SERIOUS (myself included !!!) issues .
so twan bein da oldest kinda took on takin care of da home when he was very young . his grandma took very ill when he was around 17 years old . da neighborhood was not TOP QUALITY . the TOP job around and quick $ like alot of our young men who grow up in theses areas , for them was selling drugs . so , that's how twan took care of his mom , grandma , & lil brother . he sold dope . dats how he got da nick name cheeze ! he had lots of it !! but when grandma died , a part of him went with her . he tried to overdose on his own supply not wanting to go on without the one person who had held the family together .
instead of dying he became an addict . not long after grandma died & twans buisness dwindled (always happens when ya get high on yer own supply) they lost thier house . twan had dropped out of school & the good part of da family really had no use for him . his lil brother however was a straight A student and a very GOOD quarter back wit much hopes for scholarships and even NFL potential . he was offerd a home . twans mom went to live wit her boyfriend & there jus wasn't room there for twan . so now he was outa work , gettin high , grandma gone , and no home .
sure he floated from here to there . but no home is , no home wether it's a roof over yer head or not . been there , done that .
then we met some months after all this transition in his life took place . not long after we met his mom was so proud of me . she say twan had never kept a girlfriend over a month , he was a playa ! but i had given him stability and meaning again & she loved me for that . i myself was playin round wit cocaine and had off & on for bout 2 years prior to meeting twan. he was using but it wasn't known to EVERYBODY ! we were both i guess what u'd say "in da closet users " ? but once we both knew the others secret and got comfortable with one another both of us started using more & more . we didn't have to hide it from eachother . and it very quickly got WAY outa hand .
we were together about a year b4 i lost my apartment . ofcourse we had rent $ but we used it to get high . thinking we would get bailed out as always at da last minute and get it paid . not this time . to shorten the story it was about another year b4 our floating together finally wound up wit us jus plain bein on da street . homeless . yeah , sleepin in parks . that was when we found out how to get lots of $ . but it wasn't legal ! we stayed high , kept a rental car, a hotel room . but finally da fun was over when the police caught up wit me 1st . no i didn't tell on him . i took it all on me . they KNEW he was involved , but what i look like snitchin on my man ? he wouldn't have done it tp me .
i did about 6 months . i was facing 15 years ! God blessed me wit another chance . since i had pissed da popo off by not tellin on twan the rap was all on me . they couldn't mess wit him about the same charges . but he soon landed himself in jail anyway once i was locked up . he'd never been in jail b4 then . but once he started going it's like it became a freakin habit ! by the time i got out he had done 3 30 day bids in da county himself and was doin badd ! he was a skelaton when i got out . my mom didn't even recognize him . he was almost dead . i cried when i 1st seen him . it was sad . he got like that when i wasn't around . one bad thing i guess is he is very co-dependent .
when i got locked up last time and this time , he jus gave up like i was never comming back . but this last time he really done it to himself . he's now serving a 2 year sentence in prison . it is his 1st trip to prison . but like me on my 2nd go 'round , he got REAL LUCKY ! or should i say REALLY BLESSED . my 2nd time i was facing nearly 60 years ! i did 18 months w/3 years probation ! he was facing over 100 ! (maximum) and got 5 suspended to 2 ! NO , neither one of us were violent offenders . we never hurt no one or broke in no ones home . although we did steal ALOT of $ . but we got what God wanted us to get . we were addicts . we had a serious drug addiction that was not only leading us to life in prison , but death .
God allowed us each the time apart and the time incarcerated that we needed to get our minds strong enough to live a REAL life . CLEAN . we got married last year . i chose to keep it secret untill recently for fear of what my mom would say . but we are very close now and i hide NOTHING from her . i know as long as twan comes out and stays CLEAN and lets God continue to mend him , me , & our relationship da way He (God) see's fit dat my mom will b able to exept him one day .
it's like i started tellin ya in da begining of dis LONG story !....... i know THE MAN INSIDE THE MAN . there were months at a time when we were clean . when we struggled to stay that way . we went to church . we worked . we had a home , a car , a dog ! my kids even spent days on weekends with us at one time . but we relapsed . getting clean i now realize is something 2 drug addicts can never do together w/ out da proper help ! one wants to not do it , da other one gets weak the other gives in and ya right back where ya started ! dats y God seperated us like this . but we still together in our hearts . ALWAYS will be !!!!
for betta or worse , thru da good and da bad . i'm 33 years old . i've been in love b4 , but not like dis . i swore i'd never get married after watching my mom's pain thru failed marriages . but twan changed my heart and my mind . what we have been thru together and came thru together w/out falling apart ? NO ONE ELSE could ever match that . we were one hell of a bonnie & clyde . imagine what we could be as God's team helping people? awesome team !
my priority is family . and all though my kid's and my blood always come 1st from now on in my life my husband is family too . i can't give up . i've waited to long to b loved like this . i've prayed too hard and even though God seperated us to straighten us i still don't believe he ment 4 eva ? i jus don't . but i continue to pray everyday . ALWAYS will . and as long as ya got God on yer side where could ya possibly go wrong ? as long as u FOLLOW HIM ? well , didn't mean to write a book !
and yeah , there's more ! lots more . i plan on tellin alot more of my history . maybe someone can feel me and learn or jus know there's someone else out there who's been there too ? it always feels good to know yer not alone . hope i hav'nt bored anyone too badd ? 
till next time ya'll ! thanx for listenin . and remember , i want comments ! dosn't matter if i agree ! telll me what ya think , feel ! ya know ? i luv er'body ! 
lata ya'll .
check out my myspace page at myspace.com/lemmefindout & tell me whatchya know bout dat?
LET ME EXPLAIN BOUT WHAT I MEAN............ i know dis man probably even betta than his own mother ? that's another long story and i don't wana tell too much of someone elses buisness . now don't get me wrong ; my man and his mom r very close . he would die for her and her the same for him . i didn't mean it like that . what i mean is i know the REAL ANTWAN on the inside . the man BEHIND the drugs , the man BEHIND the crime , the REAL MAN ON THE INSIDE . i know his heart . i spent nearly every waking moment 24/7 for nearly 4&1/2 years w/this man . that's taking out time that we have been seperated . ( one of us being locked up : we been together 5&1/2 ) . he is a kid at heart for one and i know he will one day make a GREAT father . he has no children of his own & both of my kid's dad's r not in thier life , so i'm prayin he's a good step dad ! at all his family gatherings we've attended over the years (he has a HUGE family !!!!) all the lil kid's run for twan when we show up . while eveyone else is eating , drinking , ect. , twan is off wit da 20 or so kids playin catch or somin !
he also luvs God . his grandmother was REALLY da one responsible for rasing him . she died of heart trouble about a year b4 we met . she was his everything . my grandma has spoiled me & sorta been a mom alot of my life too , so i can really relate to the relationship twan , his lil brother , & his grandma had . but there was no man in da house . his grandpa had left his grandma for a very much younger woman and was in and out of thier lives . i dunno much about his lil brothers dad , but his dad was around but not involved in his life much if at all ? (his father is now serving time for manslaughter) we'll jus say mom was a rambler too . she loved and still loves her boys very much , but jus like alot of us mom's she's has her own SERIOUS (myself included !!!) issues .
so twan bein da oldest kinda took on takin care of da home when he was very young . his grandma took very ill when he was around 17 years old . da neighborhood was not TOP QUALITY . the TOP job around and quick $ like alot of our young men who grow up in theses areas , for them was selling drugs . so , that's how twan took care of his mom , grandma , & lil brother . he sold dope . dats how he got da nick name cheeze ! he had lots of it !! but when grandma died , a part of him went with her . he tried to overdose on his own supply not wanting to go on without the one person who had held the family together .
instead of dying he became an addict . not long after grandma died & twans buisness dwindled (always happens when ya get high on yer own supply) they lost thier house . twan had dropped out of school & the good part of da family really had no use for him . his lil brother however was a straight A student and a very GOOD quarter back wit much hopes for scholarships and even NFL potential . he was offerd a home . twans mom went to live wit her boyfriend & there jus wasn't room there for twan . so now he was outa work , gettin high , grandma gone , and no home .
sure he floated from here to there . but no home is , no home wether it's a roof over yer head or not . been there , done that .
then we met some months after all this transition in his life took place . not long after we met his mom was so proud of me . she say twan had never kept a girlfriend over a month , he was a playa ! but i had given him stability and meaning again & she loved me for that . i myself was playin round wit cocaine and had off & on for bout 2 years prior to meeting twan. he was using but it wasn't known to EVERYBODY ! we were both i guess what u'd say "in da closet users " ? but once we both knew the others secret and got comfortable with one another both of us started using more & more . we didn't have to hide it from eachother . and it very quickly got WAY outa hand . we were together about a year b4 i lost my apartment . ofcourse we had rent $ but we used it to get high . thinking we would get bailed out as always at da last minute and get it paid . not this time . to shorten the story it was about another year b4 our floating together finally wound up wit us jus plain bein on da street . homeless . yeah , sleepin in parks . that was when we found out how to get lots of $ . but it wasn't legal ! we stayed high , kept a rental car, a hotel room . but finally da fun was over when the police caught up wit me 1st . no i didn't tell on him . i took it all on me . they KNEW he was involved , but what i look like snitchin on my man ? he wouldn't have done it tp me .
i did about 6 months . i was facing 15 years ! God blessed me wit another chance . since i had pissed da popo off by not tellin on twan the rap was all on me . they couldn't mess wit him about the same charges . but he soon landed himself in jail anyway once i was locked up . he'd never been in jail b4 then . but once he started going it's like it became a freakin habit ! by the time i got out he had done 3 30 day bids in da county himself and was doin badd ! he was a skelaton when i got out . my mom didn't even recognize him . he was almost dead . i cried when i 1st seen him . it was sad . he got like that when i wasn't around . one bad thing i guess is he is very co-dependent .
when i got locked up last time and this time , he jus gave up like i was never comming back . but this last time he really done it to himself . he's now serving a 2 year sentence in prison . it is his 1st trip to prison . but like me on my 2nd go 'round , he got REAL LUCKY ! or should i say REALLY BLESSED . my 2nd time i was facing nearly 60 years ! i did 18 months w/3 years probation ! he was facing over 100 ! (maximum) and got 5 suspended to 2 ! NO , neither one of us were violent offenders . we never hurt no one or broke in no ones home . although we did steal ALOT of $ . but we got what God wanted us to get . we were addicts . we had a serious drug addiction that was not only leading us to life in prison , but death .
God allowed us each the time apart and the time incarcerated that we needed to get our minds strong enough to live a REAL life . CLEAN . we got married last year . i chose to keep it secret untill recently for fear of what my mom would say . but we are very close now and i hide NOTHING from her . i know as long as twan comes out and stays CLEAN and lets God continue to mend him , me , & our relationship da way He (God) see's fit dat my mom will b able to exept him one day .
it's like i started tellin ya in da begining of dis LONG story !....... i know THE MAN INSIDE THE MAN . there were months at a time when we were clean . when we struggled to stay that way . we went to church . we worked . we had a home , a car , a dog ! my kids even spent days on weekends with us at one time . but we relapsed . getting clean i now realize is something 2 drug addicts can never do together w/ out da proper help ! one wants to not do it , da other one gets weak the other gives in and ya right back where ya started ! dats y God seperated us like this . but we still together in our hearts . ALWAYS will be !!!!
for betta or worse , thru da good and da bad . i'm 33 years old . i've been in love b4 , but not like dis . i swore i'd never get married after watching my mom's pain thru failed marriages . but twan changed my heart and my mind . what we have been thru together and came thru together w/out falling apart ? NO ONE ELSE could ever match that . we were one hell of a bonnie & clyde . imagine what we could be as God's team helping people? awesome team ! my priority is family . and all though my kid's and my blood always come 1st from now on in my life my husband is family too . i can't give up . i've waited to long to b loved like this . i've prayed too hard and even though God seperated us to straighten us i still don't believe he ment 4 eva ? i jus don't . but i continue to pray everyday . ALWAYS will . and as long as ya got God on yer side where could ya possibly go wrong ? as long as u FOLLOW HIM ? well , didn't mean to write a book !
and yeah , there's more ! lots more . i plan on tellin alot more of my history . maybe someone can feel me and learn or jus know there's someone else out there who's been there too ? it always feels good to know yer not alone . hope i hav'nt bored anyone too badd ? till next time ya'll ! thanx for listenin . and remember , i want comments ! dosn't matter if i agree ! telll me what ya think , feel ! ya know ? i luv er'body ! lata ya'll . check out my myspace page at myspace.com/lemmefindout & tell me whatchya know bout dat?
So paint it black and take it back...
Lets shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end
We hear the call...
Well, the big bosses had their talkin' to me a couple of days ago, and it was more or less what I expected - actually more. But it's funny what one discovers when one sits back and thinks about things. For instance, sitting down at lunchtime, I happened to be talking about my talkin' to and it came to me - I bet that the shop supervisor has an evaluation coming up and I mentioned it to a co-worker. Funny that my co-worker said that the supervisor had mentioned that his evaluation was indeed coming up...
So it seems that he is trying to play hardball with his evaluation coming up. Of course I would never even consider using this bit of knowledge for achieve a tactical advantage over my superior. Not me. I would never ever even allow the thought cross the gap between my ears...
So here I sit at work avoiding work again, typing, and now Welcome to the Black Parade comes on the radio. Life is getting so much better...
At this very moment I am fighting the urge to stand up towards the end of the song and screaming, "I don't care!!!" along with the song...
And urge came and went and now the song is done and over with and still I bang away at this keyboard and still I remain for I shall not be forced to resign for in the long gone past I took that route from a job and I shall never do that again for in a masochistic sort of way I enjoy all that goes on here as I sit and type...
And even more so than that from a strategic standpoint, what will be the next move made from my supervisor and what will be my countermove?
'Tis truly amusing that the supervisor actually feels he has some degree of importance in the grand scheme of things...
And I am so easily amused...
And a Very Merry All Souls' Day to everyone who has soul...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word...
Defiant to the end
We hear the call...
Well, the big bosses had their talkin' to me a couple of days ago, and it was more or less what I expected - actually more. But it's funny what one discovers when one sits back and thinks about things. For instance, sitting down at lunchtime, I happened to be talking about my talkin' to and it came to me - I bet that the shop supervisor has an evaluation coming up and I mentioned it to a co-worker. Funny that my co-worker said that the supervisor had mentioned that his evaluation was indeed coming up...
So it seems that he is trying to play hardball with his evaluation coming up. Of course I would never even consider using this bit of knowledge for achieve a tactical advantage over my superior. Not me. I would never ever even allow the thought cross the gap between my ears...
So here I sit at work avoiding work again, typing, and now Welcome to the Black Parade comes on the radio. Life is getting so much better...
At this very moment I am fighting the urge to stand up towards the end of the song and screaming, "I don't care!!!" along with the song...
And urge came and went and now the song is done and over with and still I bang away at this keyboard and still I remain for I shall not be forced to resign for in the long gone past I took that route from a job and I shall never do that again for in a masochistic sort of way I enjoy all that goes on here as I sit and type...
And even more so than that from a strategic standpoint, what will be the next move made from my supervisor and what will be my countermove?
'Tis truly amusing that the supervisor actually feels he has some degree of importance in the grand scheme of things...
And I am so easily amused...
And a Very Merry All Souls' Day to everyone who has soul...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word...
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Re: So don't you bring me down today. - jingle bells jingle bells
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