The Boys @ MindSay

k, so here's the skivvy...
1:  List 10 things you want to say to people, but know you never will.
2:  Don't say who they're about.

ONE:  a lot of times i wish you'd show more affection for me.  i know that things happened in our past, and i know that in a lot of ways, my move to michigan set us way back, but i'm here now.  i'm back.  i am right here beside you screaming inside because i know you'll never understand.  and maybe i won't either.  and i guess one of the things i'll never understand is why we can't just put it behind us and be happy and one and in love.

TWO:  i wish i could be a bigger part of your life.  i wish we could get together more and talk and share and be precious together.  i love that we're so different, but i wish i was more like you all the time...  i wish i was smart like you.  i wish i could write and draw and create like you.  i wish i could be free like you are.  and most of all, a lot of times, i wish we could be together...  but i feel so stuck.  i feel so trapped sometimes and i know it hinders our relationship.  and i'm so sorry for that.

THREE:  i hope your ribs heal soon...  i can't believe how quickly life can change.  it had only been ten or fifteen minutes between our phone calls and all of a sudden, BAM!!  it made me realize how fast things come at us in this life.  it made me think about how much i care for you and how much i wish i could be out there with you to take care of you.  i know i never said it, i know i never really showed it, but i love you.  i always have and you will always hold a special place in my heart.  forever....

FOUR:  sometimes i feel like i could go weeks without calling you and that would be okay..   sometimes when we talk, i get so annoyed and sometimes i just want to hang up.  i feel like you don't know me and like you never really have.  i still hate how you've treated him.  i still hate how you both did.  he is the biggest part of my life and has been for four years (to the day, by the way).  he is more of a man than you'll ever know and he deserves more respect than you show him.  some day he will be the father of my children.  some day he will be more of a father than any of the ones i had and i am so excited for it to happen.  i proved you wrong.  i am happy.  i am whole with him.  and i wish you'd just suck it up and admit you were wrong.

FIVE:  thanks for nothing...  i'll see you in hell.

SIX:  i miss you guys so much and can't believe i'm missing out on the three of you growing up.  i'm sorry if i was a bad sister.  i'm sorry i'm so far away.  but maybe some day you guys can come out here for a visit.  :)

SEVEN:  i saw what you did that night...  i saw you tear apart that ceiling fan when i snuck upstairs to find out what was going on.  i saw you rip off a fan blade and beat the rest of the fan with it.  i heard you yelling and i heard a lot of what you said.  and i'm pretty sure that was one of the most terrifiying nights i've ever been through... i was getting ready to tell the boys we were gonna sneak out the window and go to the neighbor's house to call the cops...  and that's just the beginning...  so,  i can't handle talking to you yet...  but maybe i'll get there some day...  i guess we'll just have to see how it goes...  and p.s.  i'm not coming to vegas to meet you...  and i probably won't be calling any time soon...  sorry.

EIGHT:  i'm not afraid of you any more...  i used to sing along with alanis when she said "soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name."  i thought i'd never reach this point, but now i have and it feels great.  i hope life is treating you as well as it's been treating me lately.

NINE:  some times i think i've underestimated you.  i've never given you the chance you deserve to shine and be heard and i'm sorry...  but maybe it's not too late?  ...  i will try to fix you.

TEN:  i guess i never really knew you...  but some how, now that i haven't been to church in just about two years or so, i feel closer now to your divinity than ever before.  my ideas about you are changing...  my ideas about life are changing...  and it feels pretty great...  i'm a big fan even though i haven't read all your books...  thanks for watching out for me.  :)

"You can only catch one at a time. They did the same thing to me." "The Boys" as we now referred to the two geldings, split up, circled and were standing together at the end of the corral confidently waiting for us to get into the middle before they pulled their favorite trick on us again.

 

"Okay. Only one in here with me at a time." My new clients were a young husband and wife, from the East Coast and had a habit of finishing each other's sentences. It was mostly him that said something and she finished it.

"Which one?"

"The pretty one, of course"

"Ladies first?" She smiled when I said "pretty".

"It's the code of the West, mam" 

"Don't let them hurt me . . . "

"No. I won't."

"Promise?" 

"Promise. No reason to get hurt. This will be fun from now on."

 

They were very apprehensive about catching the geldings and more so about riding them. They described to me everyone in the corral, horses running past them and it had gotten scary when they finally did corner a horse and try to put the halter on. I imagined the scene and then when they said three men had finally gotten the geldings haltered, I imagined too that it was a blessing these big horses hadn't hurt someone, or been hurt in the process.

 

Jennifer walked into the middle of the corral and The Boys did their thing. She stood up close to me as they rushed past, one going one way, then the other.

 

"Pick one" I looked down into unsure eyes and smiled just a bit . . . "Pick one". We kept the other one in our mind and faced the one closest to us. "Stay next to me and we'll do this together. That way you'll be able to do this yourself". I thought about my dad teaching me to catch a horse, all by myself, and heard myself saying the words just like he did. Several times the gelding ran past us, just as determined not to be caught, she was shy and intimidated, but she stayed close, even if it was behind me once or twice.  It was a bit before we got him to hold still.

 

"Don't stand directly in front of him. If he charged you, he'd run right over you. We're not going to fight him, we've got to get him to cooperate. Okay?"

"o-kay"

Persistence and a few deep breaths later and we got him to hold still . . . I had her come from behind me, stand to the side and slip the rope around his neck.

"Give it a second and slowly pull the rope down and get him to lower his head. That way he calms down a bit and the halter is at your height to put on."

"Oh, okay" 

"Don't reach up higher and higher to put the halter on."

"The guys did the last time."

"They were wrong. I'm right. Period"

"They said they knew horses."

"Is this easier?"

"Yes. Yeah, it is"

 

The first gelding was caught and she strutted, just a bit, as we led him to the rail . . . him on the lead and her hand gripping my arm for all it was worth. She tied him short and turned and gave me a squeal and a hug.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Kinda. More or less. Yeah"

"Okay, lets get the other one."

"Huh?  oooo-kay"

 

We took our time, and she kept tight to me, but didn't duck behind me once. It took awhile, but the second gelding lowered his head when she pulled steady on the lead and dropped his head for the halter.  Both were tied and Dan reached for the blanket and saddle.

 

"Not yet. We got a thing or two to check first". This was the beginning of what was to be the routine I would cover over and over with other clients. "No shortcuts, can't be in a hurry . . . no one gets hurt."  I felt Jennifer lean against me.

"Not as easy as it looks?"

"No. I just was so scared of them. I didn't know what to do."

 

"Well that's the point. If you're afraid you can't enjoy your ride. We'll sort it all out."

"I thought you were going to ride them for us, soften them up?"

"I rode them already, remember? If you want to ride, not be afraid of them, then I'll have to show you how. I can't tell them how to treat you."

"Oh. Well that makes sense, huh? So we get to ride with you? What IF I don't know what to do???"

 

It wouldn't be the last time I heard a client asking the question that was already on my mind. Sometimes I knew the answer, sometimes we needed to sort things out and give it a minute. Right now though I had a plan and everything was going fine. "No need to borrow trouble" my momma would say.

“WHY is it . . . that you show up right when  . . .”

“When you’re so confused?”  Rita smiled at me and leaned on the top rail while I was trying (in the process of . . .) catching one of “The Boys”.  They had abandoned their original tactic of divide and avoid, and now they were staying together and trotting off. The effect is that it’s harder to stop two horses than it is one. They were about half right.

“When I am implementing a new . . . “

“Technique?” She was enjoying the staring contest I was having with the two geldings.

“Yes . . . technique . . .” 

“Well maybe you’re just confused a lot, and not just when I happen to show up.”  I had left myself open for that and she was now really beginning to enjoy herself.

 

“Aren’t you afraid of hurting my feelings?”

“No.  Why?”

 

I had the two geldings together on one area of the corral and closed the distance gradually, cut them off when they tried to run past, and got my lead rope over the neck of the one closest to my side. His buddy was on the inside against the rail, and he was to my side. He didn’t protest too much after the lead was around his neck, but he still waited a second or two when I held the halter for him . . .  His buddy wasn’t far off and didn’t give me any problems.

 

The Boys were doing better, but had figured out this new technique when they saw their old strategy was failing them. They were good to work with, once you got them caught and they were enjoyable to ride. More so as Jennifer and Dan were becoming more confident with them.

 

I wanted a chance to work with the geldings before they rode this weekend and was in the process of dealing with them when Rita showed up.

 

”I knew you were coming so I thought I’d be courteous”

“Yeah? . . . Uhh huh . . .  Nice of you to do that.”  She walked off and opened up the tool box on her truck, brought the tool and handed it to me.

“Tell you what. You . . . since you’re here and you KNEW I was coming . . . pull the shoes and we’ll get this done quicker . . . and you . . .  Oh?  Are you going riding after this? . . .”

 

I thought to myself “Not now!  Sounds like something better may be  . . .”

 

“No. I’m going to call it a day after this . . .”

“I’m going to get something to eat over at the joint.”

“Want some company?”

“I thought I might . . .”

 

I had been busy trying to keep up with a full schedule between my regular business and my horse clients. Jennifer and Dan began talking of what they wanted, we sat down and I’d made a list and taken notes, like I do with my jobsites . . . showed them the list so we were all on the same page. The thing was, the list and notes was about a “page” long, and like everything else the past week . . . had taken more time and more follow up than I thought it would. They had given me a lot to do, and I had jumped at the chance. Although I spent a lot of time, thinking things through and following up, I never regretted jumping into the deep end.

 

I hadn’t seen Rita in over a week and when I went into the tack shop not really needing anything . . . Ron visited with me, caught me up on “what’s happening”, then smiled and said she’d asked about me. Then he told me she came in and one of the stops she was going to make was to shod “The Boys”.

 

We finished with The Boys in good time and it was late afternoon and would have been a good time to go for a ride. She didn’t say much and squared away her truck  and I followed her to the little diner on the Pear Blossom Highway. I washed my hands and face, freshened up and she’d found a booth and was ignoring the menu. I scooted in where we both could stretch our legs out without tangling boots and she threw her hat next to mine. 

 

I didn’t say anything, caught her eye for a second and then fiddled with the menu. The waitress, Anna, came over and Rita ordered . . .

 

“Don’t get the same thing. You usually get the same thing.”

“What do I want then?”

“Get  . . . . the . . . . here! . . . Get the large chicken fry, the platter . . . and I’ll get the chicken strips, the basket . . . and we can mix and match . . .  You get gravy with the chicken fry, we both get biscuits . . . “

 

“Okay, I’ll have  . . . “

“AND . . . tell her . . . Here!  He’ll have the chicken fry, platter . . . fries instead of mashed, bowl of gravy on the side . . . we’ll both have the biscuits and need honey and extra butter . . . I’ll have the chicken strips, fries  . . . he can have my coleslaw . . . and . . . side order of fries . . . OR? Would you rather have onion rings?”

 

“I think I’ll . . .”

 

“ . . .Onion rings . . . I’ll let you know about the side order of fries . . . no, go ahead and bring the fries . . . Ranch dipping sauce for the chicken strips . . . Did I tell you LARGE order of strips?? . . . and Blue Cheese salad dressing . . . “I’ll take your salad for my coleslaw” . . . . Instead of the salad that comes with the platter . . . make it a dinner salad . . . I’ll let you know about dessert . . . What do you want to drink?”

 

“I’ll have . . .”

 

“Just bring us two large Cokes . . .”  Anna smiled at me . . . no further questions and walked off.

 

“THERE!!! That was easy”. Rita smiled and pulled her braid back and was already looking around for something to snack on.

 

“I didn’t know I was so hungry. But it all sounds good actually.”  I had hoped for a cup of coffee but given up on the idea.

 

"I know what I'm doing. You're more hungry than you know" Rita smiled and kept looking for something to eat. “Would you bring my salad now so I can have something until our order is ready? Thank you!”  Anna smiled, she knew Rita and said she would bring it “right now” . . . “I only have two hands” . . . She brought the salad, extra dressing, and since I had my Coke, with my coffee . . . she brought my coleslaw as well.

 

I watched as Rita, oblivious to me . . . carefully spread the salad dressing and mixed it and filled her fork with a big bite. No sooner than she was enjoying the mouthful of salad, she started looking at the table again . . . and the waitress came over and sat the basket down full of biscuits wrapped in a linen napkin . . . hot and steaming when Rita split it open.  She took a full pad of butter and plopped one on each half . . . another big bite of salad and most of the biscuit half disappeared . . .

 

“How’s your coleslaw?”

“It’s very good. You were right, I do love coleslaw . . . and hot biscuits”   Rita was happily chewing away and smiled when I said she was right. She was holding the other half of the biscuit, waiting for room to put it in with another bite of salad, and I reached into the basket, buttered another one . . . with a little honey . . . and set it on the edge of her salad plate . . .

 

“T-h-a-n-k y-o-u . . . “ She smiled sheepishly and motioned with her fork for me to start eating . . . I finished the coleslaw about the time Rita finished the salad . . . she looked towards the counter and reached and buttered another biscuit, and offered me one. 

 

It took two trips for Anna to bring the order . . . She would set everything down . . . Rita rearranged it, according to ease of reach and how often it would be reached for . . . the biscuits were set to the side with the honey and butter, the fries and onion rings were in the center, Coke to the right . . . then the biscuits were moved to the edge, and she motioned for a re-fill . . . The empty salad bowls were set to the edge to give us room to spread out.

 

I cut the big chicken fried steak in half and motioned for Rita to hold her plate over for me. She did quickly and gave me several of the chicken strips (none of the dipping sauce) and reached for the gravy to thickly cover the chicken fry. Ketchup was poured on the side and fries and onion rings were disappearing as she poured gravy and opened dipping sauce . . . and buttered the last biscuit.

 

I'd been here with Rita before and we didn't usually say much during dinner, although she would occasionally make a point that I "needed to listen to" and she'd emphasize the point with her fork. Once we got started and the first few bites were consumed . . . it didn't take long to work our way through all of the food. She was right, there wasn't anything left and the last few french fries were traded for the last onion ring. I looked up and there was a light in her eyes and a big happy well-fed smile . . .

 

"Anne?  Can you bring  . . . him some coffee and me hot tea?" I nodded and she smiled, very pleased with herself and I caught her looking the pastry case over.

"You've been busy. Ron keeps me informed"  She smiled and looked again at the pastry case.

"Ron keeps everyone informed. That's how I knew you were going to be out today. But I was headed there anyway. I had hoped to have them caught before you got there so I could be the one leaning on the top rail"

 

She smiled and sipped her tea, "Those two will be thinking of ways tonight to avoid us. They give me problems too if it makes you feel any better".

"Yeah it does"

"So? How are you working all this out? You're getting new clients, people are going to call you . . . I talked to Ron too! So? How's all this working out?" 

"You are looking to see if I'm confused . . . "

"Yeah . . . maybe"  She laughed and looked at me again to answer the question.

 

"The thing I like about my day job is that after I take care of all the, problems I didn't figure on, the follow ups . . . the little things to get the jobsite ready, deal with the clients . . . figure out how I'm going to do the work . . . then I love putting it all together and seeing the job done. Big jobs or little jobs, it doesn't matter. Although, if I take a big mess or project and see it through and have to figure it out, then its very satisfying coming back to my clients and showing them the finished work. Sometimes its relief, sometimes joy and enthusiasm  . . . I get handshakes, hugs sometimes . . . a toast or just a nod of the head. But I like the work, doing it and showing off just a bit for the clients. I've got great clients as a rule.

 

With the riding, I didn't expect it to grow and when it did I didn't know what to do next. After I thought about it I realized that I enjoyed more than I expected to, and that I wanted to do more and learn more I just didn't know exactly how to go about it. I went through the same thing in learning how to new work in business. I take classes, read books, practice and take time to make sure that I work out all the kinks . . . however long it takes me, until I figure it out . . . They are both a lot alike, problem solving, new things to learn . . . being the best and a little better at the same job every time. But in this case, the riding . . . that's the payoff . . . getting to enjoy riding. I figured out that it would be okay if I just kept learning how to be a better rider and enjoy it more . . . "

 

I looked up and she was smiling . . . holding her tea cup, braced with her elbows on the table. She smiled again and nodded. "You got it all worked out.  I think you'll do well, and I think you'll get all the clients you can handle"

 

"I'm going to use a guy or two to help me with the other business, so I can have more time to ride and the business won't suffer. I'm going to do a DBA and the tack, clinics, classes  . . . all of that will be part of it. Got to think of a name for it."

 

"I don't see that confused look now. But I bet I do from time to time . . . Anne? How about a couple of brownies? The ones with the icing"  She looked at me smiling and nodding  . . .

"I don't know  . . . " I couldn't believe she was still hungry enough for two brownies . . . and icing.

"Oh? You want one too?"  Rita looked at me with a guilty smile. Anne shook her head then looked at me.

"I was thinking the apple pie . . . heated up with a slice of cheddar cheese"

"Mmmm . . . that does sound good. No . . . I'll keep the brownies, just one though . . . A - La - Mode!"

 

 

 

Boys suck.

my boys are gone, they are in the air on their way to germany as i am writing this.

my bestfriend and my boyfriends are both going to be gone for 2 weeks....and Greg's boyfriend, jeff, is in NM and my lil sister is in calarado. so i have no Jackson, Greg, Jeff or Audrey....i am going to have nothing to do excep think about how alone i am right now.....i guess this gives me time to chill with my mom alot, i mean she is going to be the one who i am hanging out with, i guess i dont mind that, because she is cool and all, i just cant hang out with my boys or my sister. err i am sooo alone