Teen @ MindSay

my first rock album was jimmy eat world's self titled

master piece.  their hit song, the middle, was what

caught my attention. in the days of sony walkman's

and nick-at-nite, buying the album was the only way

i could get the song i wanted. i fell in love with riffs

and bridges, odd keyboard sounds and guitar solos.

catchy lyrics like, "if you don't, well honey, then you

don't," made lasting impressions on me. i rocked out

on air guitar every word and note of authority song.

i played and over played that album on my silver,

2-disc emerson. and to this day, i can still pick it

up and fall right back in love with those first words

of bleed american.

 

"i'm not alone because the tv's on now/i'm not crazy

because i take the right pills"

 

my first glimpse of true literature was a book called

the giver by lois lowry. it was on the AR list at the

middle school and had recieved such high reviews

that my mom bought me a copy of my own. it took

me a few months to actually pick it up and begin

the journey into that, what i imagined, sepia colored

community. imagery, sounds, tastes, touches, every

aspect of my creative imagination ran wild. from

those pages, i learned more about how a great novel

transports one into a completely different dimention.

places i never thought i could go were opened up

for my pleasure. unfortunately, the spine of the mass-

market paperback was broken due to opening it

just a little too strongly... but the pages have never

been turned down, and the cover looks brand new.

what amazes me just as much as the story itself is

the smell. the smell of those pages takes me back

to the 8th grade when i was in love with my best

guy friend, when i had finally learned all the lyrics

to jimmy eat world, and i was developing some

sort of fashionable look for myself. things were

changing, and those were the best and worst

moments of my early teen years. sure the hormones

were awkward, and i didn't really know how to

wear my makeup properly, and i couldn't date...

but i was opened up to what the world had to

offer, whether good or bad, i experienced a lot

of both sides of this crazy universe. i developed

a free mind, a free will, an intuition. i learned

new words (good and bad ones), i met new

people, i liked different music, i became a little

bit of what i am today.

 

that music spawned my odd flavor for pop-

punk and soft-rock, and that book showed me

how to capture my reader and create intense

plots.

 

it amazes me how just two small things can help

make a person who they are.

 

salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.

Last night I fell asleep in Jeff's arms.  It was wonderful.  I dk, but lately we have been growing closer, if that was even possible.  Usually he holds me for 20 minutes until I fall asleep, then rolls over, but the past few nights he has help me through and through.  It has been wonderful. 

He still isnt to keen on that job.  I guess I dont blame him, but I am going to throw a fit until he takes it.  I know it sounds heartless but we need that money dammit.  I do not care, I am not the one who got put on ankle monitor, so I sure as hell will not be the one to fork out 2000 dollars while he does NOTHING.  No way, No how.  ANd no it isnt laziness that is his problem, 60 hours a week is A LOT of hours.  I know, but I need it...he needs it...the girls need it.

I am going to apply for a job at that temp agency, they seem way better then Answernet, and answernet has told us after November there will most likely be no work.  Ugh.  Crappy huh? 

Last night I put the "Color Pearl" Application on my phone because I had to delete it when I put on the new OS, and when I put it on there, my phone freaked out, so I was up AGAIN trying to fix it.  I found out that apparently the color pearl doesnt work with the new OS, so I have to look for another application.  Oh well. 

It is already Sunday which means the last official day of the work week (My first day of the week).  I work at 11 today.  I am up relaxing for a half hour before i have to jump in the shower and such.  I love my morning time.  It is ME time and I need it. 

The girls are still asleep today, I just went in and checked on them, so cute, Chloe must have gotten lonely because she grabbed her quilt (we giver her a twin size quilt) and climbed into bed with Nevaeh and they are snuggling.  I know they arent cold, they have the space heater in there, it is nice and toasty, I kind of want to lay down when I go in there.  Its cold in the rest of the house, and I hate it.  I will not cave and turn the heater on though, no way, no how.  I do not need it.  I cannot afford it yet. 

My sister Graduated boot camp on the 11th.  I am proud of her.  I wish I could have been there.

Not much else guys, I will update tonight or tomorrow!

GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone

I've just discovered a fab new site, run by three crazy Brits it's all about love, friendship and commiting random acts of kookiness.
Check it out at www.sugalumps.com. I think this is going to be a big lovely thing that will wrap its arms around the world.

Later

Marcia

"Some teenagers go to an amusement park and it is closed. They get in anyway and when a guard sees them, he comes over and asks them to leave, the park isn't open. The teens convince the guard to let them stay and to turn on some of the rides for them. They lure the guard into the zipper, and lock him in it and turn it on and laugh at him as he freaks out. Later, we see them climb up in this treehouse like thing made of wood, probably for a lineup to a ride. They are seen drinking alcohol and smoking weed. It is found that two of them ( a boy and a girl, I think a couple) plan to commit suicide together, by jumping off of this high up ledge. They spraypainted their figures on the ground and it switches to them walking up to it. The girl decides against it ( I think she is intoxicated), and/or a friend of hers brings her down, but the guy jumps and we see him on the ground by the spraypainted figures of the two of them. The movie ends with them getting into a car and leaving, the girl looking back distantly for a minute I think. "

Also somewhere in there, a guard sexually abuses one of the guys, a couple has an argument, etc. (Things that I don't understand, or see relevance, because I haven't seen the beginning.



I NEED to know what movie this is. It looks like a very interesting movie, and I should have been in bed, but I stayed up til the end. I saw the end of it one night out in the livingroom, very late at night. It ended about 3h00 or so I think. I'm pretty sure it was on CBC. If not, it would have been on CTV or Global, as I only have three channels. Any Ideas? I've searched google, movie sites, and youtube and I just can't find it! : (

So I've been doing this blog thing on and off since I was around 13 years old. Now I think it's about time I do something to actually help myself out and maybe a few others on the way.

Before I dive into my purpose of this I want to just state a couple things. First off, I'm not using my real identity. I have a few reasons for that. Also I am really going to encourage comments and feedback of any type. I want to hear what people have to say, good or bad. All I ask is that if you do leave a comment, please be intelligent about it and respectful. I don't expect a lot. I know the entire world isn't going to read about my struggles, but the few who might, I want it to be worth something.

 

Okay. Now about me. It's always so difficult to begin.

I'm a nineteen year old girl from the midwest. I've lived here all my life. I've grown up with an older brother and great parents. I was never under-privilaged, however I've always known that I have to work for what I want. I can't think of one thing that went horrible wrong in my childhood. I was never really picked on in school. I was a straight A student all through high school and always involved with sports and music. I've always had a steady job since I have been able. I'm very close to my brother and both of my parents. I've been given every opportunity in the world to do anything with my like. Now I am half way done with my fourth semester in college and trying to figure out my next move.

I need to move on with my life after this semester and for some reason I can't. I've been racking my mind for months trying to find an answer to why I can't get my shit together and I think I found out what is holding my back.

I don't really like myself all that much. I don't remember the last time i was completely okay with the person I am. Here's where I begin to sound vain. I'm not comfortable with my body, infact, I hate my body. I feel flabby and chunky and pudgy. And I have always had that feeling about myself.

Sixth grade was when I really, I mean really, starting to feel bad about myself. At the time I was in a school with a kids who were upper class and all skinny. And all these twelve year olds KNEW they were skinny, cute, and rich. But damn were they bitches. Sixth grade was when I started throwing up after I ate. I don't remember the first time I did it or how I got the idea. I remember throwing up in the school lunchroom bathroom and at home. I remember getting about with it for a couple months before I slipped up and my parents caught on. They sent me to talk to someone so I did and got nothing out of it. I loved talking to my psychologist, but I did not gain, learn, or realize anything from the experience.

Sometime went on and I was okay and my parents were okay. (to this day I don't even know if my brother knows). And then I started despising myself again. Its wasn't any unusual junior high self-loathing, but because I previous problems I slipped right back into old habits.

In a nutshell, I've been bulimic on and off for the last seven years and I want to share with you what I am battling. I think by doing this I will somehow get an understanding of what I need to do to care about a take care of myself. Because, man, I need to get on with my like and I feel like this is not only holding me back, but holding my in a tight, dark cornor of a world I don't want to be in. This isn't a cry for help. This is my reflection.