Tears @ MindSay

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There's one easy way to tell if a session with Dianne was meaningful: I'll end up crying.
I try so fucking hard to stop myself, this time I was bending my fingers and squeezing my wrists - but as I said to her, if I start, I don't end up stopping.
I spoke to her a little bit about "5 to 15" - I recollected a few events. Those that I didn't think were majorly important, or that I don't think would have affected me that much in the future - but Dianne seemed to think they were useful information.
 
I got my first draft of the film studies coursework back today - Sarah said it's A-grade standard, but the fact I missed out a few chunks of information in places, it's only a C/B. So I'll be adding to it shortly - she's told me I ought to get an A overall for the coursework. I hope so. I want an A for film studies, seeing as how I managed to get one in media studies last year too.
 
I sat on the 2nd floor of the LRC in my break between the session with Dianne and my English lesson. I listened to Spieluhr on repeat for a while, until it started getting on my nerves - then swapped to Silverstein and Blind Guardian. I updated the blogs I'd left blank for Tuesday and Wednesday and had a mooch about on some randomers' blogs.
 
I've always hated English since I came to college - loved it before I came here, then it suddenly just got shit. I despise it even more now that Adam has been put into D block with me. He sits with Siobhan - he was sort of adjacent to me on the tables today, I was in a shit mood and he kept saying random shite to make me smile. I did smile at some of them, but I didn't feel smiley inside. I feel uncomfortable in that room as it is with all the arseholes in there, but it's gotten worse now Adam's there too. Sigh.
 
Hannah pissed me off too. I was simply asking Angela what it was we were supposed to be making notes on, and she goes: "We did the phonology yesterday... YOU KNOW, THE STUDY OF SOUND?"
I just gave her my psycho glare and growled: "I KNOW WHAT FUCKING PHONOLOGY IS."
I'm surprised she didn't retaliate, she looked more surprised than offended at my response. Oh, I fucking hate her. She's always riles me because of her fucking ridiculous nasal-voice, but as soon as someone treats me like I lack intellect, they become hatred targets. Inconsiderate shit-sniffers!
 
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On the bus home, I was listening to Blind Guardian louder than I should have done - and this random old woman kept turning around and giving me weird looks. Fucking slag. You'd think sitting behind an aged person, they'd be too deaf to hear your music. I don't have it THAT loud!
It just sounds louder in small spaces, such as lifts... :)
 
I'm a proper arsehole in the bus station though - I was bounding off to catch up with the bus that was due to leave the bay - and there was this huddle of dirty chavs standing by the railings that just didn't want to move - so I just SHOULDERED one out of the way - the look she gave me was proper funny. I didn't even look at her, I just carried on, fueled by my full-blast Rammstein. :)
 
When I got in, I made myself some of those chicken & bacon motzarella wraps and ate them while I watched Spongebob Squarepants. Nickelodeon seriously couldn't time it better - it always seems to be on whenever I get in. I like watching cartoons after college, it re-fills my happy levels. My happy levels are usually always below centre, but they drop to negative figures when I'm at college. The shithole that it is.
Well, not the building or the tutors or even the lessons - it's the arseholes that are there.
 
I went upstairs, set up my Wii and I finished off Spyro: Enter The Dragonfly.
Good fucking riddance, that's one game I'm not re-playing in a hurry. Thankfully, it was only £3.50, so I didn't waste that much on it. It's not a TERRIBLE game, but compared to the other Spyro games, it just doesn't even compete. And they're on PS1 - this is a GC/PS2 game!
It's just the overall glitchiness that ruins it. All the disappearing floors, voice lags, control reversals, camera freezing and general jumping about makes it a chore. It's also WAY too easy. Having different breath attacks instead of power-up portals is NOT Spyro! The time limits on the power-ups is what makes it fun!
 
And the lack of the locate gems feature doesn't make it harder - it just makes it goddamn tedious. And WHY do you collect DRAGONFLIES? Not eggs, not baby dragons - ach.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's wank though - GameFAQs reviewers all only give it 2/10 and 3/10.
I've completed all of the PS1 Spyros at least twice each, because they have excellent replay value - but as per fucking usual, as soon as a mint PS1 series gets ported to PS2, it FAILS.
It happened with Crash, it happened with Parappa The Rapper - it was obviously going to happen to Spyro. :(
 
Tee hee, bad game rant is over. :D
 
 
So, with that pile of crap removed from my to-be-completed games wallet and put back into the box at the bottom of the stack, not to be played again in a hurry - I replaced it with Resident Evil.
Now is the time for me to complete the scenario with Chris. Seeing as how Chris is supposed to be hard mode, I'm very surprised at how easy it is. I'm not sure if it's got to do with the fact I already know my way around due to completing it with Jill - but when I played her scenario, I must have died a good 10 times. I'm at the guardhouse currently and I've not died once. The snake didn't even hurt me, and Chris only gets a shitty shotgun, Forest's bazooka just doesn't seem to be present.
 
I still shit myself when Lisa Trevor came in the outside hut - even though I knew she was coming - she scares the shit out of me. She's what makes the Resi 1 re-make so much scarier. That and all the graphical touch-ups, crimson heads, insane puzzles, extra rooms and the general darker overtone and detailed environments.
 
I should stop talking about games, otherwise I'll just end up turning my blog into a games review. :)

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I spent a big portion of the morning playing on Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits.
Despite my mam being in the room on the PC - I still went on vocals.
I'm unsure why - maybe it was an odd burst of confidence.
Yesterday was one of my better vocals days - I seemed to be getting a lot more 100%s than usual.

Shelly finished work early in the afternoon, so she came round again to see me.
Today wasn't my best of days.
My mood and Shelly's mood were the most conflicting and contrasting they've ever been.

One thing though, I'm glad we didn't argue with each other.
I felt that shit, I'd have just slashed my wrists infront of her and not cared.

I wasn't even bothered to do anything, so I was just laid on my bed most of the time, staring into space, or at the ceiling.
Fair enough, I cuddled up to Shelly - because hugs keep me from getting a lot worse. I had random bursts of tears - at one point where I needed my inhaler, but I wouldn't take it.

But Shelly wanted lots of kisses, and I didn't want to be kissed. I wasn't in the mood.
I'm sure she could tell - because when she kissed me, I didn't kiss her back very much.

She was also in a rather randy mood - and I seriously wasn't interested.
I felt like just curling up in a ball and dying - so the last thing I wanted was to be intimate with her.
Normally I would jump at the chance, or at least, be slightly enthusiastic about it.
Today just wasn't the same.

I regretted letting her touch me - because I felt even worse afterwards.
Didn't feel like I'd deserved it - and it hadn't felt anywhere near as good as it normally does. I had too many things in my head I had to think about, I couldn't concentrate either.

I didn't have any energy either - even though I gave Shelly attention a few times - my arm gave up really easily, so she didn't get very lengthy sessions. And I couldn't even do what I normally do to get feeling back in my wrist - I just gave up in the end.

Shelly was getting upset, thinking I didn't love her anymore or wasn't interested in her anymore.
This was pathetic - surely she could see I'd lost fucking interest in EVERYTHING, not just her.
I was actually surprised I'd been arsed to have a shower and brush my teeth - because when I lapse this badly, I don't even feel like doing that.

Despite wanting to just go and slit my throat, I still cuddled Shelly and held her in my arms when she started crying. Obviously, I wouldn't just ignore her. She wouldn't do it to me, so.

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Today and Tuesday, we've had nothing in that Shelly actually drinks - so she'd brought along a little bottle of Schweppes dilutable concentrated blackcurrant.
It smells proper lush and it tastes alright too.

I had a pint of it, when Shelly decided to share it - and I got an odd hyper burst for about 10 minutes.
I was skipping up and down the kitchen and doing the comedic sneak-walk up the stairs.
Then I ate a sausage roll - but before I bit into it, I tried to see how much I could stick down my throat before I gagged - then I took it out of my mouth again and slapped Shelly about the face with it.
Soggy pastry. :D

Then naturally, as soon as the hyperness went away, I felt about five times shitter than I did before.

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Claire was talking on and off to me on MSN.
She found a photo of our old secondary school's headmaster - and she was using Photoshop to stick his head onto peoples' bodies. She started with a Bad Taste Bear, then I suggested she put him on Marylin Monroe's body - and that one was proper hilarious.

Then I suggested a hunk or a body builder, and she sent me this:



Lmfaooooooo. :D

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Ash apppeared online shortly after - and she said she'd snaffled Jordan's laptop.
Which, has decent connection and a built-in webcam and microphone. :D

So we had a video conversation.
Well, my webcam's finally decided to die - so she only got audio from us.
Shelly tried to keep quiet, oddly not wanting Ash to know she was here - until we made her piss herself laughing and she PROPER echoed round the room.
I'm surprised everyone in Ash's bungalow didn't hear her. :)

And naturally, Ash is a bit of a knob on a webcam.
Prime print-screened example:



"HIYAAAAARRR..."

if I had to be cynical about my house mate, I would say she's a coniving liar and hypocrite; a vampire with worse ulterior motives.I, however, set my cynicism aside in cases like this. I know the shit she's had to go through, and because I'm a humanist, I feel sympathy for this shit. I want her to be safe, free, and happy, so this is what I agreed to.

EDIT: I was too tired to finish before, but, ya, I've given the idea of living together great thought, even though my cynicism is present, and I decided to go ahead and do it. This is because, even if all my cynical thoughts about her are true, they don't personally affect me. I can't be lied to since I know the truth, usually before it's even said, I'm not with her in any way, except by housemate association, and the apartment is in my name. One word to the landlord or police, and I can force her to remove herself. Now that's leverage.

These tears fall so heavy, so hard.

I know I shouldn't cry but I can't help myself.

 

It isn't that much the idea of you being gone, it is more the thought of finally getting something and then it been taken away.

 

It's like the "blood path" in China, 20 years ago.

For awhile everything looked promising, but then the government turned to criminal action, won, and nothing has changed since.

 

Everyday I wish things would have turned out different.

Everyday I think of what might have been.

 

But life goes on...

 

I continue to listen to others and their problems, wondering when it's my turn to cry to them.

I continue my life like nothing ever happened, like nothing had changed.

 

But everyday I know something has changed and can't be changed back.

So I go on with my life, remembering but wishing to forget.

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Today was my last session with Dianne.
I felt really sad about that.

I took my last chance to do so - and I put the Abigail film trailer on my iPod and let Dianne watch it.
She then made the greatest comment I've ever recieved on it, and one of the best things she's ever said to me:

"BLOOD, GUTS AND WHEELCHAIRS!"

(This then later became my personal message on MSN, and then an addition to my screenname. :D)

After I'd told her about my sudden likeness to Extreme last week - she burned me four of their albums.
All neatly presented in white envelopes. :D

One thing she said to me that made me feel happy, but weird - was: "You have so much talent. You're being WASTED here!"
I like the idea of my talent being wasted. Well, not disappearing - but the idea of having so much, I can't use it all. I like that idea. :D

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Today we discussed the problem I've been having with spontaneous crying.
I'm still not sure of the EXACT reason - but we discussed the reasons behind it.

Because I was never allowed or encouraged to show emotions through my life - particularly with me being brought up being told it was wrong to cry - we think that that's a factor that contributes to it.

The fact it also occurs sometimes when I'm having sex - it could also be just another method of release.
With the excessive amount of emotions felt at that time - I'm bound to just explode into tears, right?

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I think the most meaningful session we had was the day we discussed Regenbogen Streifen.
I discovered so much more about myself that day. Ideas I already thought about myself - but they're never truly concreted until you've spoken to someone you trust about them.

Dianne even hugged me today.
It was odd - before she even asked me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Ending the sessions on a hug. :)

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When I first started my sessions with Dianne - I had to mark how I felt about 4 different things on a numbered scale.

Confidence, Motivation, Self-Esteem and College Life.

Originally, my Confidence was marked at 0.
I re-marked it today as 1.

Originally, my Motivation was marked at 1.
I re-marked it today as 3.

Originally, my Self-Esteem was marked at 0.
It still remains at 0, unfortunatley.

Originally, my College Life was marked at 2.
I re-marked it today as 4.

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Those scores just prove that Dianne has helped me - even if it only seems a little bit - it feels like she's helped me quite a lot.
There's been a lot of occurances during this colleg year where I've just NEEDED someone to talk to - so I'm really grateful for having Dianne there at those times.

I'm thankful for everything she's done for me.