Talking @ MindSay

I have spent a good portion of this week amazed by the success of this 'reunion tour'.  I do not fully believe I am a target member of said reunion.  First, because though my blogging is incredibly sporadic and infrequent, I have never 'left' this site.  Second, because I am quite far on the periphery, combined with low enough self-esteem to question, 'well, who the hell cares if I write this anyway?' if I posted it.

That said, I think it's nice that everyone is pretending to start fresh, so it could be a chance to meet some new people, and learn new things about people I already read about when I sign-in here.  I figure, here are other people who also make the choice to put their feelings out there for public consumption as opposed to just keeping a Word document or actual paper diary.  People want to read and be read. 

So, I guess it's time for my intro.  ((clears throat))  My name is Emily and I am 24 years old.  I am a New Yorker born and raised, and though I do not currently live there, I still consider it my home and miss it terribly.  I will NEVER refer to myself as a resident of Massachusetts, or as I refer to it, a Masshole.  I am a teacher.  I do not teach your run-of-the-mill kids - I have the students who everyone else is 'afraid' of.  I have the kids who when mad will bite and kick and call you a 'fucking asshole' (mind you, the oldest one is 10).  I do get bruised from time to time, but I love my job.  I love my babies, and I would fight for them until I died.  It may not sound rewarding (my roommate is FOREVER questioning me, 'do you really think it's worth it?  do you really think you're making a difference?' and the answer is always, even after a BAD day....YES) to a lot of people, but there is little else I could see myself doing with my life that would make me happy. My job allows me to take stock of all that I have going on for me in my life, and be appreciative of it.  I keep track of my teaching life at 1styearteacher even though now I am a 2nd year teacher (I don't want randomhighjinx to not be my friend anymore because I'm one of those weirdos who has a 2nd blog ;)) - feel free to read it.

The rest of this blog is going to be little things about myself you probably don't know.  You probably don't care to know, but it's your choice to read or not to read.

-- I am not really a tv-and-movies kinda girl.  The question, "did you see ______?" is almost always met with "no".  At present, I do not own a television, and I'm more than okay with it.  Most new things that come out do not interest me.  I continue to sporadically watch episodes of The Office online, but continue to miss the appeal it has to the general masses.  I do enjoy reruns of shows, like the Simpsons, Friends, and Full House, and have recently started watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" with my roommate because then I can call my friend Mike and share his favorite show with him.

-- I have a very clear memory of the Summer of 1993, being at my camp its first season, and celebrating the end of Color War by releasing helium balloons.  Let me clarify:  Everyone else celebrated.  I bawled at the thought of those balloons getting into the ocean and killing whales.  Most of the time, that 8 year old still walks around inside me.

-- I love listening to people's opinions.  I actually don't have very many fully-formed ones of my own, though as I grow older and experience more, I'm getting more.  I tend to see both (or all 5) sides to a situation, and have a hard time deciding which one is RIGHT.  Ergo, I love hearing people talk passionately about a cause or issue, I love getting an extra kernel of information to try to help me figure out my own stance on something.  DO NOT confuse my naivete with apathy; I am acutally quite invested in the idea of change and policy and fairness, but I cannot yet speak about them.  I don't like spouting words or waxing poetic about things I know nothing about.

-- I AM A BASEBALL PERSON.  You better believe I still log in to mlb.com during the off-season, that I have a count-down 'til Spring Training and wish my friends a 'Happy First Day of Spring Training!' each year, and you better believe I get SERIOUSLY wrapped up in it.  I get very attached to certain players, even players not on one of 'my' teams, and try to keep up with them as well as the ones I am expected to (Joe Mauer before he became a hot topic, Mark Teixeira after his first Home-Run Derby, Derrek Lee, Vladdie, Scott Kazmir...).  On that note...YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SWAY ME AWAY FROM MY TEAMS (mainly, the Yankees and the Cubs).  Say as much as you want, but just like I'm not going to get you to come over to my side of the argument, I'm not going to suddenly switch over to yours.  I am loyal to my teams.  Say whatever you want about them, and about fans, but know this:  Real fans still wear their jerseys and caps when their team has a shitty, last-place year.  My family was going to games and cheering when we finished DEAD LAST... If you wanna talk fair-weather fans, look at some of the teams that have won the WS since 2004; suddenly, the # of people around and online rocking a team's hat, especially after a win is tri-fold. Either you like a team or you don't.  You are NOT a real fan if you only like them when they win.  To sum, I am a baseball person, and would love new people to talk about our nation's past time with.  All team loving is welcome, as long as you're respectful :).

-- I am a music DORK.  I mean...look at the title of this entry!  I quoted MxPx for Pete's Sake!  Just like baseball, I am always looking for people to talk music with.  I have absolutely cried at concerts because I've been so happy the band performed/upset they didn't play for 3 hours to be sure they got ALL the songs I wanted to hear in.  I have also gone to shows where I didn't know a single act playing that night, and had a DAMN good time of it.
ACTUALLY, 'twas music that brought me here to Mindsay in the first place. I had heard this song, I can't remember where, but really loved it.  Naturally, I decided to Google the lyrics so I could know who sang this song.  One of the first search results was a Mindsayer who had posted the lyrics to her journal.  I went to click it to read it, but it said 'you must log in or sign up to read _________'s entry'.   I did, and stayed.

In case you were wondering, the song is "Question" by Old 97s.  Enjoyable.

And, that's it. Have wondrous evenings, and if you wanna say hi, please do :)

Okay so please tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this is unusual. My current boyfriend(of two years, friends for over 5) has started talking to his ex-girlfriend, or well she has started to talk to him. They broke up like 4 years ago, and haven't talked really at all since. Their families are really good friends but Jon's family moved here from Maryland where she lives. The first time they had really seen each other since breaking up was last year when he went to maryland to visit some friends and she was home at the time. When jon came back he was mad because he thought that she was wearing the promise ring that he had gotten her, and knew if she was she was doing it to spite him. (note: I went with Jon when he bought the ring for the girl.) This past summer Jons family and her family and 2 other families went camping at a lake near my school so I tagged along. She didnt come for the first two days(coincidentally coinciding with the fact I could only come the first 2 days) and then she came, I decided I could stay the last two days. She seemed nice but immature and totally not Jon's type. She brought her FIANCEE with her so it eased my tension a little. I mean they did date for like 3 years, and its the only other person he has loved. I think the kicker is I knew him when they were dating so I have heard from him about how much he loved her and cared about her and I saw how heartbroken he was when they broke up. So its hard for me to be okay when them talking. Anyways so since camping she has been chatting him up. Facebook messaging and IMING, text messaging and calling, I mean not all the time but like once a week. This past week Jon was with me at school and she called, I just asked him to leave the room if he was going to talk to her. He came back like 5 minutes later. She had called him because she was on the way home from school driving and was bored so she called to chat. I mean if I were to call an ex boyfriend it would be because I was reminiscing or something, I don't randomly start having a friendship with x's that I havn't talked to in years. I try to be okay with it and tell Jon im fine if she calls him and they talk I just dont want him calling her. I mean she has a Fiancee, I wouldn't want girls calling Jon if we were engaged unless they really were just friends. This girl, I don't know, out of all of her friends WHY is she calling HIM. Please tell me there is something there and I'm not crazy. She like has this innocent flirt that you know isnt really flirting but it is, smiley faces in the text and tongue sticking out, like gah, she makes me think im crazy. I talked to Jon's mom about it and she said it was weird too. I tried to talk to him about it but I think he doesnt want to be mean because he doesnt want their mutual friends to be mad at him. I told him he can be friendly but NOT friends. Anyways any advice would be appreciated.

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Today was my last session with Dianne.
I felt really sad about that.

I took my last chance to do so - and I put the Abigail film trailer on my iPod and let Dianne watch it.
She then made the greatest comment I've ever recieved on it, and one of the best things she's ever said to me:

"BLOOD, GUTS AND WHEELCHAIRS!"

(This then later became my personal message on MSN, and then an addition to my screenname. :D)

After I'd told her about my sudden likeness to Extreme last week - she burned me four of their albums.
All neatly presented in white envelopes. :D

One thing she said to me that made me feel happy, but weird - was: "You have so much talent. You're being WASTED here!"
I like the idea of my talent being wasted. Well, not disappearing - but the idea of having so much, I can't use it all. I like that idea. :D

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Today we discussed the problem I've been having with spontaneous crying.
I'm still not sure of the EXACT reason - but we discussed the reasons behind it.

Because I was never allowed or encouraged to show emotions through my life - particularly with me being brought up being told it was wrong to cry - we think that that's a factor that contributes to it.

The fact it also occurs sometimes when I'm having sex - it could also be just another method of release.
With the excessive amount of emotions felt at that time - I'm bound to just explode into tears, right?

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I think the most meaningful session we had was the day we discussed Regenbogen Streifen.
I discovered so much more about myself that day. Ideas I already thought about myself - but they're never truly concreted until you've spoken to someone you trust about them.

Dianne even hugged me today.
It was odd - before she even asked me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Ending the sessions on a hug. :)

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When I first started my sessions with Dianne - I had to mark how I felt about 4 different things on a numbered scale.

Confidence, Motivation, Self-Esteem and College Life.

Originally, my Confidence was marked at 0.
I re-marked it today as 1.

Originally, my Motivation was marked at 1.
I re-marked it today as 3.

Originally, my Self-Esteem was marked at 0.
It still remains at 0, unfortunatley.

Originally, my College Life was marked at 2.
I re-marked it today as 4.

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Those scores just prove that Dianne has helped me - even if it only seems a little bit - it feels like she's helped me quite a lot.
There's been a lot of occurances during this colleg year where I've just NEEDED someone to talk to - so I'm really grateful for having Dianne there at those times.

I'm thankful for everything she's done for me.

Last night was I guess epic? Jake and I had our first "problem", not a fight!
anyways we had both had a terrible day and he's just telling me why his was bad
when he just starts to roam around the subject that his ex, lets call her...Sally,(dont mock me for that Katie) had been trying to talk to him again. And although he didn't want to talk to her, those undeniable feelings came back. I mean...I've been there before. I know how that goes, you don't want the feelings to come back but it just...happens. Anyways I spent a good time crying and we're just trying to talk this all out. We resolved it, I think. I pretty much just gave him the idea to just...ignore her for the time being. Yeah it might suck but if you want us to work you need to. I think he's going to.
And then we just started talking about how he used to be an asshole, and I knew he used to be. 6 months ago he completely ignored me to go out with some girl, and this repeated a few more times until now. And well..he told me a few things.

1. he was about to go back out with Sally until he began talking to me again
2. he thought i was "hideous" when he first started talking to me
3. he thought i was weird for having my lip pierced, but then got it pierced only a few weeks later

And I was getting ready for my shower when I was looking in the mirror at my face. I already have incredible self esteem issues up the wazoo but I just got to thinking, "I don't think I'll ever find myself quite as atleast 'cute' as I used to because of that hideous comment" I know, stupid let a boy rule over your thoughts. But...I dont know. Jake says confusing things. Like we were talking about the first time we met, I was dieing to meet him and he was too. He replayed a scene when he first walked past me to go to the bathroom but he waved at me, none the less. He said he had no excuse to go to the bathroom except to have an excuse to wave at me. But then I'm thinking during our conversation, didn't you just say 'i thought you were hideous when we first started talking'???? I dont know. Just...that didn't add up. I'm planning on talking about it to him later.

Anyways...that was pretty much all I wanted to say....
I need to get ready, hopefully he is coming over.
Alright, byee.