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Lately, I've spent a good deal of time thinking about God, faith, religion, and beliefs.  My thoughts have mostly stemmed from my Philosophy 101 class in which we began hot and heavy with topic of God.  But I suppose I should start at the beginning.

My parents met while attending Austin Theological Seminary in Austin, Texas, where they both studying to become Presbyterian ministers.  Both of my grandfathers- their fathers, are now retired ministers. My maternal grandfather a Cumberland Presbyterian turned Methodist, my paternal grandfather a lawyer turned Presbyterian minister.  All four of my grandparents, as well as both of my parents are deeply spiritual and religious people.  They are all studied in theology.  My mom was a practicing minister from before I was born until I was 14 or so, my dad is still currently a minister and will continue to be so until his retirement.  While my mom's life has taken her in a different direction than ministry, she still attends church regularly. I suppose the simple version of this is, my family is pretty religious.

I, on the other hand, have never been very spiritual, and truthfully, it's not for lack of trying.  I was brought up in the church, baptized as an infant as is custom in the Presbyterian faith.  I attended church, Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, after school church programs, and summer church camps for many years.  I was very active in my church's youth group while I was in middle and high school.  I know what Presbyterians believe and I also understand how it differs from other Christian denominations. I was confirmed into the church when I was a young teenager.

 My parents always encouraged me to be involved at church, but never forced anything on me, and I thank them for that. While I am confused about my beliefs, I'm not at all resentful that I was raised as a Christian.  In fact, I think many Christian values and ideals are very good, although unfortunately often misinterpreted and taken to extremes. As far as Christianity goes, I think the Presbyterians have got it down. Maybe I’m biased though.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that although I have been religious for most of my life, I have never really felt spiritual. I'm not really sure how much sense that makes, but I don't think that the two are one in the same (although they do often go hand in hand).  I know what it is that Christians and more specifically Presbyterians believe. The point I most identify with is this: Our salvation (justification) through Jesus is God's generous gift to us and not the result of our own accomplishments. This statement meant a lot to me while I was growing up in East Texas- smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt.  I was constantly asked "Have you been saved?", and as a young child was confused about it.  As I got older, I was taught to believe this- that I was "saved" by the grace of God alone, and not by being submersed in water and proclaiming for everyone to see just how damn much I loved Jesus.

Despite the comfort I felt learning that I was saved by the God's grace, I never really felt connected to God.  I would pray, but I felt more like I was talking to myself than anything else.  The only time I ever really felt spiritual at all, was at the summer camp I went to, Mo Ranch.  Mo Ranch is a Presbyterian conference center in the Hill Country of Texas where all sorts of conferences, camps, and events are held. I attended several conferences while I was in middle school and high school, as well as taking trips with my family.  Each time I would venture there in the summer to take a break from my every day life, I would feel connected to God in a way I never did anywhere else.  I felt as if my prayers were actually being heard. I felt connected to others as my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I felt at peace.  But back at home, as much as I would long to feel the way I did at Mo Ranch, it just wasn't there for me, whatever "it" was. 

As I started college last year at Schreiner, a Presbyterian affiliate school, I became active with campus ministry.  I attended the weekly Presbyterian Bible study/discussion group, and sometimes went to the Wednesday Inter-Denominational worship service. As the year progressed and I was increasingly unhappy at Schreiner, I attended worship and Bible study less and less, until I stopped going all together my second semester. I wasn't getting anything out of either worship or Bible study.  I felt knowledgeable theologically, but not at all spiritually connected.  I even ventured to my beloved Mo Ranch, which is very near to Schreiner, in January to be a small group leader for high school students at a weekend conference. Yet even Mo did not have its usual effect on me. 

At home this summer, I only attend church twice. Once when I first got home from school for the summer, and another time for Father's Day because my dad asked me to come.  Both of those Sundays were social occasions more than anything else. And now that I am on my own again in a new town, at a new college, I have not tried to become involved with any religious group, or attend any church service.

And this, I suppose, brings me back to where I began this rant- Philosophy.  The very first lecture in this class was on the question "Does God Exist?" In regards to this question, my professor explained, you are either a Causal Theist (you believe in God because everything must be caused by something else, and the universe and therefore the earth must've been caused by God), a Design Theist (you believe in God because the world fits together so perfectly, like a machine) or an Atheist (you don't believe in God because there are scientific and other explanations for things that used to be thought to be super natural or other worldly). 

 

Philosophy intrigues and frustrated me (and humans in general) because there is never definitive proof of anything- only speculation and more questions.  In reading about each of the points of view, I agreed with some aspects, but disagreed with others.  There is always a counter to an argument. In the end, I feel I can only truly identify with a forth point of view, the Agnostic.  The agnostic believes there really is no way to prove that there is or is not a God.

I know religion is not the same as philosophy, but I still feel it's all interconnected.  Is there a God? Why do so many people believe that there is based on faith, an abstract concept of believing without seeing or knowing for sure?

In my philosophy class today, the lecture and discussion was based on the topic "Can God allow innocent suffering?"  The Contradictor believes that if God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good (which is widely believed/accepted), he would not allow innocent people to suffer. The Reconciler believes that God allows suffering in order for people to build character, and that it's all part of a "bigger plan".  Personally, I don't find the Reconciler's argument at all convincing.  Innocent children starve to death, loved ones die of disease; natural disasters injure, kill, and demolish...so that people can build character? I don't think so.  Furthermore, the arguments and points being made by the obviously run-of-the-mill Christians fell so flat against my ears; I couldn't bear to count myself among them. 

 

And I realized really, that I'm not one of them.  I'm not even a "Sunday Christian" anymore. I don't put on my nice clothes and my happy face and try to pray, hoping that I'll connect with some form God.  I don't even pretend. I'm not sure what I believe regarding God, let alone about The Bible or Jesus. The Bible is a book. I hate it when people quote scripture at me, as if it’s law, as if these words are the absolute truth no matter what.  So where does that leave me? I hardly believe I’m going to be sent to burn in the fires of hell- I’ve never really believed hell exists. Hell, I have always believed, is a fairytale meant to scare humans into being good. Is there an afterlife?  I’m not sure, but I hope so.  If there is a God, does he love me unconditionally as I have been taught, or did he merely create the universe and let nature take its course? And did God send his son in the form of Jesus to be the savior of the world?

 

I guess human kind will never know the answers to these questions, as much as they claim to “know” one way or the other.  But I guess that won’t stop me, or any of us, from seeking out answers to base our beliefs on.  I just hope that I can be content with life I’m living and the wonderful people that are apart of it.  That, I think, is what’s most important.

Dixie currently feels:

 Alone

 

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 Currently playing:

 

- Guitar Hero III

- Mario Party 4

 

 Currently listening to:

 

- Mann Gegen Mann - Rammstein

- Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - The Vandals 

- (F)lannigan's Ball - Dropkick Murphys

 

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 Times cried: None

 Wounds inflicted: None

 

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I awoke at half one.

I haven't had a dream in weeks.

 

It's quite sad - I used to have amazing dreams.

- Like seeing my worst enemy getting dragged over the Eston nab by two dogs.

Oh, and throwing up on my best friend's face, that was a good dream too. :D

 

 

For the first hour or so of my day, I messed around on Guitar Hero III - trying the ridiculous songs on hyperspeed, and so forth.

 

Then I went downstairs and made myself some hotdogs.

I ate them with some English mild cheddar and four slices of shitty paper-thin Weight Watchers brown Danish bread.

 

It was quite nice though.

 

Once I'd ate these, I tidied my room, and put everything on the floor onto my bed - my chair, my fan, my Playstation, et cetera.

 

I put ten fish fingers in the oven - as I fancied eating them cold in a sandwich later on.

I watched two episodes of You Can't Do That On Television - Nature and Wildlife & Animals, well, because they're sort of related, right?

 

Suprisingly, they gave me a few ideas for the new version of GRODT.

I don't know how long it'll be before they're either forgotten or wasted like.

(Writing slump still in progress, it seems...)

 

I hoovered my room, then put everything back.

Then I downed three pints of cold water with ice, and ate my cold fish finger sandwich.

 

Then I cut my nails. :)

All 20 of them, and filed my fingernails.

Now they're all short and smooth.

 

I love it when I've just cut my fingernails. I don't know why, I just do.

I feel cleaner, I guess.

 

It takes a bit of getting used to typing and playing GH3 after going from the 1.5cm fingernail white to the 2mm fingernail white, though.

 

 

Today, I've been playing Mario Party 4 again.

I've completed it twice, with all the full present rooms, except the stupid ones for mini-game records.

 

I have the habit of deleting my saves though.

I'm growing out of it though - this time, the save is staying.

 

I've completed three boards with Wario so far.

Because the game moves so slow, whilst the computers were taking their turn, I was responding to forum posts.

 

I'm now onto the final board - so within 45 minutes or so, I'll have completed Wario's present room, along with Peach's and Daisy's.

 

 

Adam's coming down tomorrow - the typical Saturday of randomness.

I hope I can get myself hyper-active.

 

Perhaps the effects of the sugar rush in this orange Lucozade daddy bought me on the way back from playing football might linger till tomorrow afternoon?

 

Dixie doubts it, like.

Dixie currently feels:

Saddened

 

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Today's good points:

 

• Adam came over for a little bit, and we listened to Maximum The Hormone for about three hours - the same song on loop, coz it's mint. :)
• Adam said my hair smelt nice - which is a very rare phrase coming from him. :)
• I got some more of my music sorted out.
• I went on a downloading fit.
• I made some stuff on Photoshop.
• I found some new things to draw.
• I ate lots of pizza.
• Adam's coming down tomorrow too.
• It's twenty-past 5, and I'm WIDE AWAKE. I'm not gonna sleep.
• I downloaded the best Maximum The Hormone song EVER... One of my favourite songs now.

 

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Today's bad points:

 

• The events with Emily today were rollercoaster.
• I had more thoughts about getting SR out again.
• I didn't do my coursework, now I'm panicking.
• I have EVEN MORE stuff to organise after my downloading fit.
• I got my period without realising, and got blood all over myself.
• I have no energy to do anything.
• I'm gasping for more Pepsi, but we don't have any left.
• I've tried to get more good points than bad, but I don't know how the day's actually gone...

 

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Today's picture:

 

 

I made that on Photoshop, by modifying an older picture I'd drawn before.

I think it's rather good for a five minute job. :)

 

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Today's lists:

 

 

Dixie's current favourite songs:

 

1. Less Talk, More Rokk - Freezepop
2. Chu Chu Lovely Muni Muni Mura Mura Purin Purin Boron Nururu Rero Rero - Maximum The Hormone
3. Wait And Bleed - Slipknot
4. Rosenrot - Rammstein
5. Southpaw - Double You
6. Absolute - Thousand Foot Krutch
7. There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This - Sweet Charity
8. Prayer Of The Refugee - Rise Against
9. Bed Of Razors - Children Of Bodom
10. Laid To Rest - Lamb Of God

 

Dixie's current favourite YouTube videos:

 

1. Chu Chu Lovely Muni Muni Mura Mura Purin Purin Boron Nururu Rero Rero (Live)
2. Lima's Red Shoes
3. Do You Come Here Often?
4. What's That String?
5. Beauty Tips
6. Keeping Up Appearances Outtakes
7. Smackhead with her hand caught in a letterbox!
8. Will You Go To Prom With Me?
9. Spelling Bees Are Serious Shit!
10. Is it a penis?

 

Dixie's current favourite flash games:

(Do a damn Google search, you had enough out of me with the YouTube links! :P)

 

1. Aggressive Alpine Skiing
2. The Impossible Quiz
3. Supermarket Shag
4. Monkey Dude
5. 30K Starfighter

 

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Today's consumed edibles:

 

- 10" chicken & bacon stuffed crust pizza

- 2 pints of Pepsi Max, with ice

- 10 Quality Street chocolates

- 2 Chicago Town meat feast pizzas

 

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Today's randomness:

 

Remember in my last blog I took the rip out of some songs from Guitar Hero 3?

Well I'm going to do the same now, only with Freezepop songs. :)

 

Plastic Shit

(Plastic Stars)

 

Shit King

(Chess King)

 

Less Talk, More Shit

(Less Talk, More Rokk)

 

Get Ready 2 Shit

(Get Ready 2 Rokk)

 

Duct Tape My Shit

(Duct Tape My Heart)

 

Science Genius Shit

(Science Genius Girl)

 

Shitpower

(Brainpower)

 

 

Aww, Freezepop aren't funny...... :(

 

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Today's joke:

 

 

What's big and red, and sits in the corner?

 

- An embarrassed elephant. :)

 

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Today's questions:

 

 

What is your favourite ice-cream flavour?

- Vanilla, especially with chocolate or toffee sauce.

 

What is your favourite smell?

- Lavender! If you put lavender near me when I'm angry, I'll suddenly grow very affectionate and quiet, and want to rub my head on your neck.

 

What are your most hated bands/artists?

- Good Charlotte, James Blunt, Marylin Manson, Simple Plan & Rhiannon

 

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And finally...

 

Today's song lyrics:

 

Shadow Of The Moon - Blackmore's Night

 

In the shadow of the moon,
She danced in the starlight
Whispering a haunting tune
To the night...

Velvet skirts spun 'round and 'round
Fire in her stare
In the woods without a sound
No one cared...

Through the darkened fields entranced,
Music made her poor heart dance,
Thinking of a lost romance...
Long ago...

Feeling lonely, feeling sad,
She cried in the moonlight.
Driven by a world gone mad
She took flight...

"Feel no sorrow, feel no pain,
Feel no hurt, there's nothing gained...
Only love will then remain,"
She would say...

 

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My name is Adam.

 

I currently be 15, living in the Kingdom of the United. Well, UK. :)

 

I shalt be 16 in a few months, and then I shalt be going to college a few months after that. Hopefully I will be going into the college of my choice, as my interview is far later than it should be.

 

I've always wanted to blog. I actually have had one, two in fact, although that other was... for other purposes. :) My interest was very minor that I only blogged once a month. I forget what I called it.

 

But now this is my third attempt. I've tried to do so in the past, but I've never had an ideal medium to do so. Wordpress, blogspot, etc - they're all so complicated! At least with Mindsay I know what I'm doing.

 

I'm not advertising, lol, I just happened to make it sound like that.

 

I'll probably have several accounts on different websites with the same entries, since different people prefer different ones. I dunno, I'm not popular enough? :)

 

Anyways, let's start with today.

 

I hadn't done my French coursework for yesterday, because I simply forgot about it. So I gave it in today, copying from my exercise book and writing it onto a nice A4 lined sheet of paper with 4 holes in it. I'm only saying it like that, because I had a mini argument with my Form Tutor (who is my French teacher, go figure) about the piece of paper I required to do the coursework. He's done it before in the past, and torn off a tiny piece off of something scrap and said "here". Damn him. ¬_¬

 

First lesson was PE. It's a fabulous lesson, because I don't do it, quite frankly. Instead, I was guarding the teacher's laptop, whilst I read out names from the register so he could type them in. I had a quick feel of espionage, though, as some governor type people walked past and looked through the rooms. He's meant to be teaching PE of some sort, but all he does is sit there and let everyone play. He's a funny guy though sometimes, so I wasn't bothered. Usually it's this other lad, whose name I shall not mention, lulz. He's a real ass kisser, always sucking up to the popular people and the teachers.

 

Then History. I gave in my homework, that took me like 3 hours to do because I spent 2 hours procrastinating doing other stuff. :) I found out that my teacher used to be a Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian person thing. She's not anymore now though apparently because of "personal experiences". I wanted to question her further but I don't like speaking with teachers directly. I think it's the eye contact that puts me off.

 

ICT, yays. I didn't do my homework that was 3 weeks late, but he didn't care really. He just said that, and another piece had to be done by next week. I don't mind. It's all pretty easy anyway. We do a 174 question quiz thing every week and we compare our scores with the rest of the class. I got 75%, whilst a friend got 79% and some other people. It's the time limit that puts me off. You have 20 seconds to answer each one.

 

Lunchtime. Well, usually I go for maths staybacks because I need to sort my sums out. :) I can't go on wednesdays though because of a weekly meeting a group of my fellow peers have, as they are going to Sri-Lanka in August. Today we did simultaneous equations. They were pretty easy. I have a habit to make silly mistakes though, like 9x4 = 45 ...

 

Science was wonderful. I love science. :) We rotate between teachers based on what topic we're studying. I've got my favourite teacher for the week, whilst we do Biology. We're doing plant stuffs and mitosis and whatnot. I love Biology. That's why I'm taking it at A-level.

 

Then we had English, which depresses me, even though I like writing, kinda. We're doing exam practice, but it's annoying when your teacher is constantly talking to the pupils, whilst telling them there is no talking. It only hypes them up, dear, you're just making it difficult for yourself. I felt sorry for her though, cuz she's having back problems. Get well soon Miss Holian!

 

 

I came home to find I had recieved a letter from the Business Administration apprenticeship I put my name down for a while back. I don't want to go the interview though. I don't want to do that anymore... I want to go to Middlesbrough College to do A-levels! The interview is going to be like 2 and a half hours long. What the hell? Dad insists I go though... sigh.

 

But anyways, right now I've ate a muffin and drank a smoothie. Mixed berry something. It usually makes me tired when I have them both together, but they're too nice to pass. And now I'm here, blogging about my ever-so-interesting life. Naah, I'm an interesting person. :) Or so I like to think.