Just had our last staff meeting for the year. Pretty vanilla in its happenings until towards the end, when Gwen (my principal) wanted to 'honor' Susan, the Autism teacher who is leaving us to go live closer to her mom. It started this snowball effect where people started pointing out other people they wanted to recognize; Jolie and Megan for stepping in after the year had started, Aaron and Kat for also being first years at JSS, Hannah for being new to Jackson. I got choked up; I love Susan. She was integral to the first 3 or so months of my school year, and I really do love and appreciate all of the people that were named. Sitting in that room of all these wonderful people, I was also upset that the chance exists I won't be on staff next year. And that is a really hard truth to accept.
Then, completely out of character for myself to the point that I actually wrote down in my notebook "Am I really feeling this way?" ... I started being a little upset that all of these other names were being tossed out and celebrated and honored, and I wasn't. My program wasn't. I'm a fan of giving praise, not getting it, but it was kind of upsetting that no one considered what I did valuable enough to comment on. Aaron ALMOST did, when he mentioned Kathleen being upstairs as well as 'Cathy's staff'... but Cathy's staff doesn't go upstairs, she and Wanda pull-out. MY staff have been up there every day since September...
Then I hear from behind me, "And we have to mention Emily in this. How she's quiet and doing her work and doesn't complain about all that she has to deal with".
Who was the owner of that voice?
aka, the teacher I spent the whole year convinced had great disdain for me. Maybe it was something Mark just planted in my head (she WAS the one who spread a big chunk of that rumor), but apparently, she also recognized the fact that I'm busting my ass at my job for little else than the fact that I have nothing else. It was a really strange moment when I processed it was HER; seeing that maybe, she doesn't think these horrible things about me like I worried ('worried' is a little severe, I don't really care if she LIKES me or not).
I will be honest; I have a hard job. But I also work with more-than-amazing people, and I want my job back.
Any finger crossing you wanna do to facilitate that is welcome and appreciated.