Suicide @ MindSay

"I wont miss your arms around me, holding me tight."

"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."

And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.

Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.

And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...

You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...

It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.

And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.

No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...

Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.

I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?  I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.


If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D

The darkness sets upon my soul
I am battered around by the fierce winds of hopelessness
I sink into the darkess, deep and deeper with every breath
the storm within me rages
the battle continious and never ending
I can't breath, the moster steals my breath and takes my soul
The monster must leave forever before destroying anymore lives

I approach the rivers edge and take in the sounds of the slamming water against the rocks
the spin of the chamber makes a clicking sound
the cold steal pressed against my flesh

the streal is cold and rough

with a slight sqeeze of the trigger the monster will die and I will be free

the bullet enters the monster den and exits ith force

I drop to the ground, and the monster is dead and will never hurt anyone again

Well wanting to end my life, again. Looked up some blogs on the internet to see what other people who felt like me where thinking. What I found was a lot of people saying to wait tomorrow will feel better, tomorrow will be different. The one thing that sticks with me is how many decades, becasue that is really how long it has been, can you think about it before you just do it? My tomorrows have never been different or better than the days before. Every day is as hard as the one before. I have sought help and did well for a while. What is different now? I used to just want to die, like get hit by a bus or something, now, today, I think I could really do it to myself. After 25 years of the daily thought how do you move on? Where do you move on to? Nowhere and nothing is all I am left with now.

I don't know if I feel better writing this down or not, but if you read this thanks for listening and taking the time.

Fuck love
fuck life
fuck this
why bother

The most right thing I ever felt turns out to be wrong.

I can't live with that.

I'm gone.

i dont no why but im on mindsay at school. i guess its because my mom blocked it at home that bitch. meh thats what ya get for going emo :P meh anyway im on today to ask how everyone is going and well BACON i dont no why but thats my latest thing... bacon.. if i cant think of anything i go for bacon and well i get bacon so yea lets all be happy bacon rolls XD oh and lets not all go emo stile and kill ourselves or lives are worth it you just dont realise so yea u get this so blahg anyway be happy smile and be well happy bacon rolls. yea i dunno