Suicidal @ MindSay

why? how come no matter how hard you try you always feel burned, at the end of the day u'd like to come home and see your loved one exchange hugs and kisses, and you focus on her melts away the earlier bullshit of your day. but instead you come home she looks at you like wtf you give her haircut money cause you shes tight since she paid off her tickets

 

no thank you or a smile or kiss or any exchange of affection, "I dont need it I'm good,"  why cant she just appreciate you what you do for her. shes really the only thing you care about or you wouldnt be staying in her apartment and you showing her your more responsible now and you can take care your stuff and her. nope no verbal or non-verbal communication you matter to her or your efforts arent going unnoticed

 

feeling drained, since no emotional satisfaction was established and shes more fixated on what hair style she should pick b4 she goes home to see your family at the end of the week. i wanted to get a pair of pants from target  and asked her if she wants to come she said yeah but she sat there look at her hair styler demo thing on the internet so i went and crashed on the bed and decided not to go, she gets ready after she sees me lying on the bed and puts pants on and gets pissed when i say for the second time no i dont want to go anymore

 

so now shes pissed cause i changed my mind when she decided to get ready

 

why the fuck cant she just tell me she loves me or tell me thank you or show affection instead of being all billy bad ass and acts like she has no emotion to show....i fucking hate this im starting to see that she didnt give me another chance cause her attitude is still the same towards me

 

u'd think after this long she would neh so im starting to feel my repitive daily cycle more and more and more

wake up 6:30a

at work 7:00a

off work 6-7p

go home and be there for someone that acts like they cant show you any affection in return

 

i was thinking about buying a gun but all the information i've looked up doesnt really give me enough information to tell how long of a wait it would be if bought without a handgun license

 

then there is alway just getting on the highway and topping out my car and wrapping it around something

i dont just want to die or be dead(thats the obvious) i feel life fleeting from my dispecable body as i gasp my last mouthfuls of polluted air on this shit feeled mudball  so i wont have to want to feel her touch or  smell her smell when lay in bed

i wouldnt mind feeling the last ounces of my blood squirting from a main artery as i get hallucinative of my world around me and whats real and whats a dream and how death is take me between every blink

 

i want to stop feeling

i want to be done with this life and its repitiveness and feeling misunderstood

 

i hate being loved by everyone as a friend when i hate my self down to my shitty unachieving insides

i hate how the opposite sex is so fucking simplistically complex

everything should be black and white

known knowns and known unkowns no unkown unkowns and no unkown knowns

10:30p

i want to feel death i want to feel it violent rape life from my body

i wouldnt mind being electrocuted in my line of work and have my limbs blown off my body

 

i wish my mom and dad didnt care so much, and im glad my bro and sis are clueless, i wish my parents werent so attached to me cause im not

im not perfect in any way

i have bad credit

25,000 debt from a stupid saillie mae loan for devry that i didnt even finish

 

im just gonna pack my shit up and get the fuck out of dodge so when she comes back i'll help her unpack and go back to my apt or maybe ill finally kill myself and send for a cab and how them her home instead of her waiting for me

even after death i still want to take care of her i dont think im ever gonna stop feeling this way towards her

god i just want to be dead.....10:36p

I was going to write this last night but I have been sleeping a lot.  My depression is getting worse, so it seems.  I didn't even get to see the race and when I found out who won, I was disgusted.  I can't stand Carl Edwards.  Anyway, that was so off the reason for this entry.

I see Julie, my therapist, at 5 p.m. Today.  It figures that I have to wait that long.  Now I have the whole damn day to ruminate of everything I want to say and the mess I am going to be after wards.  I guess, if you really want to look at it, I could chose not to cry but that is not even possible.  I contracted for safety up until today and that was it.  After that, I think everything is fair game.  I won't be told I have to forfeit a session (well, I will if I tell my new therapist since the one Julie put in place still stands until we look at it) but at this point I don't give a rats ass. 

Honestly, I think Julie is leaving the agency and I am not her only client that feels this way.  I want to ask her but I am not sure it is my business anymore since after today she is no longer my therapist.  I can't even believe this is all happening.  Remembering her taking some responsible to me being told I made all of this happen.  I did a lot, don't get me wrong but I feel things could have been worked through.  I simply feel she has given up on me.  I even feel like a lost cause even though she has told me differently.

I just started crying and it is only 7:14 a.m.  I just want this over with so I can move on because I know what this is going to do emotionally.  I have known for years I needed a new therapist but not under these circumstances.  I just don't feel worthy enough like I am damaged goods.  I know this all comes from childhood because of the abuse.  She has even told me she knows I had trauma but she isn't sure to what extent.  Wow, how do you process that comment.  She said a few weeks ago and I still can't wrap my head around it.  I am not sure I ever will be able to.

I still can't believe the days has come.  As for the safety contract, it no longer stands after my session with her.