Suffering @ MindSay

Otitis Externa Rant

Hi there internet people! I just want you all to know (not that this really matters) that I am currently in great physical pain. I somehow managed to magically conjure out of nowhere a wonderful ear infection and it’s driving me nuts. Nuts, I tell you! Maybe this is God’s (the Judeo-Christian one) way of saying “go to church once in a while, you sonofabitch”, but then maybe not. Maybe this is just one of those unfortunate things that happen and does not necessarily involve a divine primordial being who, his adherents claim, loves us all, but once in a while goes apeshit over something as inane as buttsex. Goes psycho over something like that, then destroys two cities, leaving few survivors. Yep, that's a loving God alright.

As my right ear quietly and lovingly throbs the whole night through, I feel that I have to tell you all a wonderful story. It’s about this guy who gets initiated into a tribe of hunter-gatherers somewhere in Africa. The Babongo. As part of an initiation ritual, he is given this powerful psychoactive drug obtained from the root of the boga tree. He is in this hut and one tribesman prepares the root, cutting bite-sized chips for the guy to eat. And so the guy chews and swallows and pukes and chews and swallows again. This goes on until the drug takes effect. After the trip, the guy says that he felt renewed and the experience was life-changing. He realized that all life is connected and that the world is one living organism, that he is just one tiny part of this great and wonderful organism, then he puked some more.

What’s the connection? Nothing.

Now, it feels like an itchy, burning, rusty nail is being driven repeatedly at irregular intervals straight into the wall of my ear canal. You have no idea how this fucking hurts. I’m gnashing my teeth, man; gnashing for God’s sake. I’m talking biblical-level pain here, man.

I’ve had this for three days now, and I haven’t slept nights during that time because the pain goes overdrive during nighttime til dawn and somehow it becomes tolerable during the day when I take my medication. I can’t eat properly because moving my jaw hurts. I can’t go to the beach (not that I really want to..I hate crowds). I can’t go outside. I spent that whole sleepless time in front of the TV, exactly what I’m doing right now.

I love the news. I love CNN, Fox News, BBC. I love hearing about death and the war and protests and the killings. I love hearing that conservative nut Bill O’ Reilly rant against those left-wing bastards ruining his beloved American Culture. I love watching the Great and All-Powerful Leader of the World George Bush Jr. as he makes monkey faces delivering another one of his speeches. The news of the latest bombings and snipings in Iraq, captured terrorists, AIDS and the Darfur Crisis in Africa, all of these confirm my humble belief that the world is one sad, crazy place.

During the day, when fatigue, hunger, pain, misery, and the realization that the world is one crappy place overwhelms me, I have a light breakfast consisting of one loaf of sliced bread, bolinao (tiny, mummified fishes, fried), some rice, and a banana. Then I take some antibiotics, analgesic, antipyretic, antibacterial, anti-inflammatory pills. Next, I ask my younger brother (who, by the way, is being treated for tuberculosis) to put exactly three drops of this ear medication into my ear. Then I watch TV some more and this is when I get drowsy, and sleep away the morning. I usually wake up around 4 in the afternoon groggy with a slight headache and a wonderful feeling in my stomach like I’m going to vomit.

I’ll drink coffee and wait for the feeling to subside, eat lunch/dinner, reread Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club, and then contemplate suicide.

My writing this is some sort of therapy. You know, all that bullshit about expressing yourself so you feel like you’re doing something to alleviate some real or perceived illness. And so, now that I have given you a piece of my mind, please feel free to go on with your happy lives, have a wonderful summer and please vote Bayan Muna.

            I wouldn’t have wanted to be him.  Losing my children and almost all of my possessions in the space of a few hours would have lowered me to a place that would have taken a lifetime to recover from.  And, as those who have suffered loss know, the wounds heal, but they never completely go away.

 

            Although the Bible doesn’t tell us, I think Job was a wounded, healing man all his life.  But there is one, striking and shining light in all his suffering.  He came to know God.  Those who don’t know Him scoff at this.  And after one sorts through all the attacks on and criticisms of God, the reason it is so difficult to reconcile this issue of suffering is that they don’t know Him.  Their view is myopic and earthly, not taking eternity into account.  But it is more than eternity, as astounding important as that is.  It is the knowledge of God, a knowledge that is so sweet and invigorating to the core of one’s being that it is impossible to describe within the limits of language. 

 

            Job complained, and his “friends,” over and over, told him that the wicked are the ones who suffer.  At the end of it all, God never told Job why He had allowed the tragedies in his life.  He challenged Job to know Him—and he did.  Job, to his everlasting credit said, “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye has seen you.  Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”

 

            I wouldn’t want to suffer like Job.  However, when faced with tragedy, I hope my response would be as full of faith.  I would hope that, no matter what, I would not reject Him.  The knowledge of God is the most precious thing in my life.     

 

             

O’Malley sat behind two middle-aged women on a bus in Cleveland and listened to their conversation.

“My Aunt Wilma has pancreatic cancer. The doctors have told her she has only a few weeks to live. It’s hopeless. I visited her in the hospital and I asked her if there was anything I could do. She said, ‘Pray for me, Addy.’”

“Uh huh.”

“My mother is in a nursing home. She has dementia. Some days she hardly knows who I am and it can only get worse. I saw her just last Tuesday and I asked her if there was anything I could do. She said, ‘Pray for me, Addy.’”

“Uh huh.”

“My brother Arthur just had surgery for prostate cancer. It has already spread into his lymph. He’s had chemotherapy and radiation and now he’s too weak even to stand. When I stopped in to see him, I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He said, ‘Pray for me, Addy.’”

“Uh huh.”

“My friend Louise is in intensive care. Her cardiomyopathy got suddenly worse and now her kidneys have almost stopped functioning and her body is retaining fluid. There is no cure. I asked Louise if there was anything I could do, and she said, ‘Just pray for me, Addy.’”

“Uh huh.”

The chronicle of terminal illness and suffering, with the same refrain, went on and on. Finally, when the bus reached her stop, Addy stood to get off.

“When these people ask you to pray for them,” the other woman asked, “what do you pray?”

“Oh, I just ask the good Lord to put them out of their misery.”

As Addy stepped off the bus, her friend called to her.

“Pray for me, Addy!”

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no Alibi
‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret
From the truth
Of a Thousand Lies

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away
What I’ve Done

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away
What I’ve Done

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

For What I’ve Done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done!!!

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

What I’ve Done
Forgiving What I’ve Done

 

****

Here we go for the hundredth time,
Hand grenade pins in every line,
Throw 'em up and let something shine.
Going out of my f**king mind.
Filthy mouth, no excuse.
Find a new place to hang this noose.
String me up from atop these roofs.
Knot it tight so I won't get loose.
Truth is you can stop and stare,
Bled myself out and no one cares.
Dug a trench out, laid down there
With a shovel up out to reach somewhere.
Yeah someone pour it in,
Make it a dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.

I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away.

I bleed it out.
Go, stop the show.
Choppy words and a sloppy flow.
Shotgun opera, lock and load,
Cock it back and then watch it go.
Mama help me, I've been cursed,
Death is rolling in every verse.
Candy paint on his brand new hearse.
Can't contain him, he knows he works.
F**k this hurts, I won't lie.
Doesn't matter how hard I try.

Half the words don't mean a thing,

And I know that I won't be satisfied.
So why, try ignoring him.
Make it a dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.

 

****

 

AND HERE IN THE NIGHT
AS I FEEL THE INFERNO
I STARE IN THE DARK
THINKING WHAT IS ETERNAL

THE MAN OR THE MOMENT
THE ACT OR THE REASON
THESE THOUGHTS FILL MY HEAD
AS I CONTEMPLATE TREASON

OF DREAMS I HAVE HAD
AND DREAMS I HAVE PONDERED
WHEN LATE IN THE NIGHT
MY MIND IT WOULD WANDER

TO THINGS I HAVE DONE
AND THEN QUICKLY REGRETTED
WHILE DENYING VICES
MY LIFE HAD SELECTED

AND I THINK WHAT I'VE DONE
OR HAVE YET TO BEGIN
AND THE MAN I'VE BECOME
AND THE MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CAUGHT IN A WALTZ
WITH THE ETERNAL DANCER
I'M COURTED BY DEATH
BUT DEATH ISN'T THE ANSWER
I SAY

ALL I WAS
MEANT TO BE
COULD I
SUDDENLY
JUST DECIDE
NOT A THOUGHT
WOULD SURVIVE
COULD IT BE
MY LIFE'S WORTH
ENDED THERE
WITH MY BIRTH

IF I COULD SEE SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN THERE BEFORE ME
AND TRADED HIS SOUL
FOR A MOMENT OF GLORY

HIS PENANCE OR MERCY
BY SPIRITS DEBATED
WHILE JUDGED ON A SCALE
THAT'S BEEN HEAVILY WEIGHTED

AND WHAT HAVE I DONE
COULD THERE BE SUCH A SIN
IN THIS MAN I'VE BECOME
IN THIS MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CALLING TO GOD
FROM THE PIT'S VERY BOTTOM
I PRAY HE FORGIVES
EVERY SIN I'VE FORGOTTEN
THIS DAY

AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT MY FATE IT WOULD CONJURE
THIS TWIST IN THE ROAD
ON WHICH I HAVE WANDERED

EACH VISION AND DREAM NOW
COMPLETELY DISMEMBERED
TO GIVE ONE'S WHOLE LIFE
AND FIND NOTHING'S
REMEMBERED

AND WHAT GOOD IS A LIFE
THAT LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND
NOT A THOUGHT OR A DREAM
THAT MIGHT ECHO IN TIME

THE YEARS AND THE HOURS
THE SECONDS AND MINUTES
AND EVERYTHING THAT
MY LIFE HAS PLACED IN IT
BETRAYED
BETRAYED
BETRAYED

THE THINGS I HAVE DONE
THE PLACES I'VE BEEN
THE COST OF MY DREAMS
THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS

AND EVERYTHING THAT
I'VE GATHERED IN LIFE
COULD IT BE LOST
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
NIGHT