Sub @ MindSay

I've been reluctant to post my BDSM fascination on here, mainly because it's such a controversial issue. Not only that, but it's frowned upon in our society. I think the main reason why people react so negatively to it, is that they don't understand it. They assume that it's all about a bunch of "nutjobs" whacking each other with sticks. That's not true, at all.

Sadomasochism is a defined mental illness in any of the psychology books I've read, but it's a part of me. I'm a masochist, and I can't deny that any more than the fact that I'm submissive sexually. Now, does that mean that I'm a weak little female that lets men walk all over me? Hell no! I think my previous blog entries can deter people from thinking that. I can have a much bigger guy on the floor within seconds. I'm strong, and that is why I can submit. It takes true strength to submit to someone.

Well, my mind has been wandering. The past few weeks I've been looking up more and more info on it, and the more I learn, the more I want this. I decided to join a BDSM dating site, not looking for a partner, but looking for people into the scene, to learn more. Well let me tell you, I've gotten the most annoying messages. These guys, ordering me around, and acting like I owe them something because I happen to be submissive.

First of all..back off. I owe you nothing. You haven't earned my respect.
Two, you're NOT my Dom. My Dom has to earn my submission
Three, keep calling me "girl" and I'll internet slap you straight across your face.

This had led to several conclusions that I must be a Domme. I am not a Domme, and I know this for sure. I receive no pleasure from being sadistic. I just don't deal with people's crap, and my lifestyle dominant side comes out when people mess with me.

But so far it's been interesting. I'm gaining so much knowledge about what I want, and how I can eventually have it.

Other than that, today was a great day. I went to see The Dark Knight with some of my friends. . . but all day I kept thinking about Justin, which made me extremely depressed. Then I was even more depressed because I saw a guy that happened to look just like Dave. 

Dave...

Ha. What a loser.

I actually realize that now. He had to use me, some 16 year old kid, to feel Dominant and good about himself. How pathetically dumb of him. But at least some good came out of our relationship. I learned more about my sexuality. It's getting easier to mentally slap myself when I feel my emotions getting out of hand.

Sometimes I need a good slap.

So, I'm subbing for one of the third grade classes today, and I will be subbing for the other one a half of a day tomorrow.  I like the class I'm subbing for today, but the kids for other third grade class?  Let's just say they are a bit more challenging.

 

Anyway, I've been so over stressed lately, that my right eye has been jumping non-stop.  It was so bad this morning I could hardly drive to work!  I'm seriously thinking about asking the doctor for a prescription of Valium or something.  Seriously, something's got to give.  I've also been having some G.I. problems lately and the only thing I can attribute it to is my nerves.  I've been living off 7-up and crackers for the past few days. Yesterday was the first time since Friday that I could actually eat something without having to chew a couple of  Tums afterwards.  That's what I get for being such a high strung, type A, controlling bitch.  I'm such a Dom sometimes. :P (Hehe, I'm a Dom who works as a sub, get it?)

Fuck yeah! My friends and I are doing a Sex Pistols cover of Sub-mission. It's today, Wednesday, at 3:30.

Wish us luck. I hope we go through and win that 100 dollars.... It's a school thing.