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New Years Eve...

Well, it's New Years Eve.... I haven't done anything all break except work and get on my computer.... Wish it woulda been more exciting, ya know? More things to do... On a lighter note, I didn't get to get my provisional on Wed., cuz the stupid ppl @ the DMV said they already had enuff ppl taking their road tests... Damn them all... Eric got a new job (that I hate by the way) on the Rigs again... *to self* Why can't he just get a normal job?... Oh yeah, now I remember... Anyways!... I didn't see much of my friends this break, perhaps it'll be this way during school (Ha! I forgot I have English w/ Tasha this semester, no luck there!)... I woulda called some of my other friends, but either A: They're guys and Eric's an extremely jealous guy or B: I can't remember their fone numbers.... Oh well, it's all said and done now... I really need a life... I'm putting in my 2-weeks notice for my job on Jan. 15 and I'll be done with that retched place on Jan. 31, so if anyone wants a job @ Athlete's Foot in the Carlsbad "Mall" (it's not even that) the position will be open in about a month or so...

 

I'm thinking of getting out of band... Yeah, I really like it, but I just don't want to be in there anymore... It's not as exciting as it was when I first started... I'm sure lots of ppl will not like my decision, but it's not going to take me anywhere in life... Hell, I'm not even sure of what I want to do w/ my life after I graduate... All I know is that I wanna go to college (maybe), but I'm not sure where I wanna go to school, or what I want to study.... I know that sounds stupid, but I can't decide... My mom says I need to make up my mind, and that I can't be picky about everything... I wish life were easier....

 

On top of all this, I've gained major weight.... Like 12 Lbs. major weight.... I feel like a fuckin whale!... I can't stand to look in the mirror.... It makes me depressed, more than I already am..... I just feel like crying right now, and I don't know why... I'm slowly dying on the inside, and I can't stop it... I need serious help.... I mean, I realize my life is pretty damn good aside from my mom and my sister being gone, but I still feel depressed... I know I should be happy but I can't help it, I feel like something precious has been taken away from me and I know I can never have it back... I'm sorry for putting this in here, but I have NO ONE here to talk to... My stepdad is.. well, just a guy and he'd never understand how I feel... and my sister was the only one I could talk to and I can't even see her cuz I'm not 18 and @ the Rehab she's @ you've gotta be 18 or older to visit the ppl staying there... Ain't that some bullshit?!... Anyways... All this blogging about things that are bothering me is making me cry, so I'm gonna quit for now cuz I know if I was y'all I wouldn't wanna listen to myself bitch....

 

Happy New Years Y'all...

 

Love Always,

-Morgan

 
 
   
 

fixing this....
so i dont think that i am going to be able to have another happy day when i see him again, i mean, it hurts so0o0o bad, but yet i dont know how to explain that as much as i want to and should hate him or be mad at him i just cant, i jus still seem to care about him. To want him to see im not a "caitlin" and that i would be more than he could ever imagine and that im not guna hurt him, like ppl are putting in his head. And the part that pisses me off about that is the bitch whos doing i t doesnt know me, she is running off of her hatred for ppl coming from stufff that she hears other idiots say, she doesnt know the truth about anything and she doesnt care. she tells herself a lie and she believes it. She is so manipulative and it also comes from her still wanting to be with him and only wanting him to date people that she can manipulate and control the relationship b/c of HER feelings. I hate high school, for four years i have cruised by, not taken any bullshit, scrapped wit whoeva had a prollem wit me, and had the best friends i could ask for even with all the shit in between and become a good ass person. Been clean for almost 1 1/2 yrs, havent even had weed in a long ass time. Have been just dating to not have another randy, and caleb, and ive been doing good.  I jus realized that thru all of this i have overcome and how proud of myself i am today for not getting hurt and not putting up with peoples shit that that is what im doing rite now, im letting ppl get to me, i let myself get hurt...there is nothing to be proud of there, and it doesnt matter, b/c in high school nobody cares about the real you, they care about what you can do for them. They are completely about themselves. and i hate the ppl that get into shit that isnt any of their business. im so glad i will be out of here in less than a month, gone from the drama ( which i fuckin hate) gone from the stupid ppl, and most of all away from rob, whom as much as i should be upset with i still wish things would have worked out better but its too late and its better this way b/c we will never work as much as we like eachother, and i know that ppl are fuckin with my head, cuz if someone only liked you as a friend and liked the other nieve ditzy  ugly stupid girl, *as she says he likes HER and me only as a friend* anyway if he only liked me as a friend why would he have come out of nowher asking me to the browns ball and telling me he'll wait for me and that he wants me to leave sooner so i can come back and be with him sooner, and tell me that he isnt going to the ball and planned a re-enactment because he wasnt guna go if i couldnt go with him. ok tell me he doesnt like me like that. and he finds out its for 6 mos and not 1 1/2 mos and he flips....no he jus likes me as a friend....MY ASS! i just want him to know that im not as stupid as he thinx, i hate the drama too, more then he could know, this is why i dont do relationships, that we could have worked had he been willing to try, however now he has lost the best thing he could have at this time in his life, b/c he chose to let manipulative little twits in his head, i know him better then ppl think, and hes know it, we get eachother, why couldnt he have jus let me in? and finally for him to know that maybe rite now isnt our time, but i know what he feels, and everyday that i am away i will be trying to get over him b/c that is what he wants, yet if he ever wants to be friends with me in the future, it is going to take a lot of effort on his part, b/c after i leave, he is only going to be a face from the past, as of rite now, he is already fading in my eyes, not b/c i want him to, but b/c he chose to be a past face....and he'll regret it, rob you can trust me on that, you will miss me, more then you are willing to admit to me, but thats my other prollem with you, you dont admit shit to me, then when i talk to you, you get cold and turn away....im tired of it, but i cant help but still want you, your eyes, your lips, the faces you make, the smile you put on my face, the way my legs get tingly and numbish whenever i talk to you.....there is nothing, even thru al this drama, about you that i would change, you are gorjus to me, your head, your heart, and what i see in you. Even thru your stupidity. I wish you would not put urself down as much and that you would see that everything that you think is wrong with you and so bad about you is beautiful to me, and to many other ppl. You should really give urself more credit....the kind of credit you have earned in my mind. anyway...i guess this was my final wave of thought about you....jus had to get it out to fix where our friendship stands...jus had to say this to fix this. as much as i say i dont want n e thing to do with you, i still want you in my life, but with me, if you feel the same, if you care at all, it needs to be proved, cuz you have yet to prove shit to me, except that you really are scared of being happy, and that you need to let go of the past, i was told the same thing, thot it would never happen. but it did, it went away, well, more like settled down into the past block of my mind and left the present. Stop hiding yourself from me, i know this all better then you think, i know you better then you think....anyway im really done for now.....i hope you will one day see what is rite in front of you before it is too late....
 
 
 

   
Guyz suck...so do sappy stories

Have you ever read a story and at the end, have a character have to die AFTER he sets the other free? I just read a fanfic and I cried. It shows that two ppl that are forced apart, can still overcome love, no matter if it's for the right reason or for if it's easy. I knwow I sound crazy, but I've been thinking that I might never EVER find a boyfriend. One guy I like and have known half my life, is hung up on a girl that's got a boyfriend. She tells him to leave her alone, but he won't. I also like a guy that not very many ppl like, even my dad. I wish I could find a guy that likes me back, but I don't know. I've been working so much, that, the guy is prolly right under my nose adn I can't see it through the fog that's covering my world with a despret need for some color. I need someone to bring me out of this depression, b/c it's killing me that I cry over some stupid fanfic story that shows two ppl that hate each other half their lives, care about each other after only a short period of time. I feel horrible! I want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to eath! That's how sad and derpressed MIKE has made me. I can't believe I forgave you! How could you put me through this! How can I guy I loved and cared for, get to me soo badly? I don't know, but I want that same KIND of relationship. One built more on understanding then what you think you should have. Like, if you should base your life on what yuor lead to believe, or if you should do what you think is right. I son't know what I'm trying to say, but I want to be HAPPY! I hate this depression! I hate it soo much! I want to love and be loved again. Someone I know understands that I need carring ppl in my life. Not just someone to call "my boyfriend", but someone that cares alot about me and knows they can wait untill I'm ready for something.

 

Sorry, I'm jsut reflecting on the story. It proves that love is one of the strongest values most people have and that they want it, even when they are forced into shit they don't want to do. I feel sorry for all of you ppl that are forced into shit and that you can't love someone you are forced to hate. I guess that's part of life. Trying to figure where you stand in the world. Trying to find if you will shine in the stars above, or if you'll be nothing but a blimp of igsisance in the world. Is this really what life is supposed to be like? I'm not sure, but I want to know what I'm really supposed to give to this world. I know I can make others happy, but helping them, b/4 I help myself, and I know ppl care like my parents, but I'm worried that I'm putting others before myself too much. I want to live my life as best as anyone else in this world, but how can I do that? By hiding behind my job and do nothing more then hindge doors and put them in order for the ppl that actually put the cabinets together? Is that my purpose? If you want to pity me, then go ahead. I don't care. I guess I shouldn't give a shit anymore, b/c life is hard and I can't get the color back into my world. It's going to be drained of color until the day I die.

 

Yes, life should be lived to it's upmost and we should live life to the best and have everything. But what is everything? Is it a title? Or is it love? Would you chose love over money? Or would you chose poverty to love another human being? WHat's the right path we take? Love or a title?

 
 
   
 

well.. today has got.. a lil better...

when i got home.. to my delight about 5 minutes after i got on perry arrived! yay! he made me feel lots better.... this stupid idiot was puttin mean comments so i told him to back off or ill lay him out... and i would too... no one messes with perry... he too cool for that lol...

perry is one of the few ppl that make me very happy... hes jus awesome like that lol... but yea.. i finally saw a pic of him!!! he sexy!!! lol

ryan taught me how to punch ppl to make a sever impact.. lets jus say im goin to get good at that.. will come in handy sooner than expected

im actually in a descent mood.. im not mad... not that much ne way... im not happy tho..

im thinking about dying my hair black jus to scare the crap outta ppl... i think itd look cool

and i cant wait to go to sleep..

~ hmm... maybe its comin back

 
 
 

   
Halloween sucks

every single  year something fucks up my halloween last year me n nikki got in a huge fight n some rapist followed me around n this year kurt breaks up with me...& now hes telling me he didnt n im so confused..i will never b able to explain to u guys how much i fucking hate drama seirously thats why i try n ignore things when ppl talk to me about something stupid that try n cause drama yet some how ppl just want to try n make me mad n cause drama i mean seirously my god omg i hate ppl sometimes ok so tonight...

someone named timmy which is one of kurts friends called me n said well kurts breaking up with u n now kurts telling me he didnt say that ni he didnt even see timmy...yet than he told me they were trick*or*treating n im sooo confused yet i almost dont want to have to deal with it not almost i dont want to have to deal with it seriously its dumb n ihate it....n i dont want to have to listen to all these stupid ppl telling me kurt broke up with me n then him telling me he didnt break up with me because its starting to get old seriously in the past  3 days 3 ppl have told me kurt broke up with me.....its getting old...its just i like him so much but im sick of hearing ppl run up to me o do u kno kurt does that n this n that....n its like..idk i almost dont kno what to beilieve anymore..well im gonna go watch t.v. n stop complaining...

*Samm*

 
 
   
 

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