Student Teaching @ MindSay 
I had a CIP meeting tonight. CIP is the Critical Inquiry Project, a group designed to help teach social-justice education. This group is comprised of a favorite professor of mine, Bree, and 5 other people who I graduated NYU with: Dan, Emily M (As I am Emily E in all conversations since we're both there), Val, Veronica, and Symone. The first 4 I mentioned are first year teachers: Dan and Em have 5th graders, Veronica is a K teacher in a Catholic school, and Val is sort of teaching a mix of pre-k and k at another Catholic school. Symone had a semester at NYU to finish up but is now a pretty full-time sub at the pre-k center SHE went to all those years ago. I am the only one who is not teaching; I am in a classroom (well, THREE classrooms/FOUR classrooms at THREE schools technically if I count my fun week with Seth's class) 5 days a week, but I am there as an observer, a student teacher, and a tutor.
CIP has been everything. We hear how the classroom teachers (5) implement these amazing complex units (Val teaching her kids about poverty, Dan and his fair-trade chocolate, Veronica teaching her kids about gender) that aren't part of a typical curriculum, we plan how we can go next, we share resources, we learn from Bree who is infinitely wise and helpful and straightforward, and we support each other through tough times. First year teaching is notorious for breaking people down, and I hate knowing that my friends are going through things like this, but they all agree going to CIP is helpful not just because it helps plan the SJE (social justice education) stuff or make them stick to it, but it's a gathering of 6 other people we respect and trust and know care about our well being. Many times 'check-in' becomes a bitch-fest, a spot to talk about what's wrong, a chance for all of us to offer a hug, a tissue, or a suggestion. Sometimes it's just the only place we feel safe admitting certain things, and don't need anything more than the chance to say whatever it is we're thinking.
Tonight, Bree gave us an article about the stages first year teachers go through, and she asked us to read it, see if it was true, and how the group affected (effected? will I EVER learn when to use which?) these figures. Well, everything about this article rang true for me, even though I am not a first year teacher (see above). The anxiety, both good and bad, the fears, the doubts in my ability, the impending pressure, the hard moments, the changes in or deviations from the plan...these are all things that make my heart freeze up. I am a worrier. I do fret about things that aren't a big deal (like the time I let it slip to David that GPI had left? I didn't sleep that weekend, and it was never addressed ONCE), but they are real fears of mine. This has been a dream of mine for so long, but you can dream all you want, it doesn't mean it will come TRUE. I don'yt want to just be in a classroom. I'm idealistic; I want to make a difference. I want my kids to actually get things...more than just math or how to write an essay. That's what CIP is. But then I get so frazzled because I know I'm a pushover and if an administrator questions me and my planning, I AM going to take it to heart, I am going to redo everything, I am going to comply, and I'm not going to embody what the group is...and if I don't teach SJE my first year, will I the second? Will I ever?
All of this pressure, the whole being sick thing, the fact that Relay is SATURDAY, the fact that I don't have a job lined up, the fact that I have huge final projects looming (one is due MONDAY AFTER RELAY) that I have no idea where I'm going with, the fact that CIP's trip to Chicago I won't be at 2 meetings leading up to it and also as a non-teacher contribute so little to it as it is... I just started crying.
This is not new. I am a cryer. I have been a cryer my whole life; NEVER for attention like 'oh if I cry, someone will look at me', or to get out of trouble. It's just what happens. There is something in my body where things, happy, sad, depressing, stressful, hilarious, sentimental.... I feel them stronger than other people, or different, or whatever it is, but I start welling up. And I was trying to not make it obvious (this was just eye-leakage and a little need to wipe my nose, no noise) because I didn't want to focus on that, but Bree kept asking if I was okay and I nodded. But we finally shifted the attention to it, and I cried more, and let the group know my fear; that I'm going to cave to the administration and do my kids a huge disservice in the process, as well as let my groupmates down.
And they were amazing. I knew they would be. To start, if they weren't in my top 5 people when we graduated (the way I hung out with Val all the time, or had my strange but perfect relationship with Dan), I have grown closer to the people in this group than other people a year ago who I don't get to see now. They pointed out that things I was feeling, thinking...they're universal. And Dan had things to say about me carrying him through undergrad, and my scheduling, and Val mentioned my classroom plans which Em said was a good thing to have planned already, and Bree mentioned that when she went to Dan's class the day after I was there, the kids were like 'oh, you're not Emily'...and while I don't think that's all going to prove I'm going to be good at this (what it proves is I focus on details too much and that kids LIKE me, a fact I've known since I was 5), but hearing that these very capable, very honest people believe in me...it means a lot. It really does. Even if they were just being nice and trying to calm me down (they've all dealt with crying Emily of various stages/reasons), they did it. They were the best support group anyone could ever ask for. And that's probably why CIP is so critical for us; not just instruction (which I will need a LOT of next year), but people like Val to tease me, Bree to somehow make what I was warbling an intelligent, justifiable thing, Dan to give me a hug and threaten that if I cry again he'll kill me, and someone to squeeze my hand and let me know I'll be okay.
So I'll be okay.
Been fighting a cold for the last several weeks. That’s what you get when you start spending time with a lot of kids, as I am student teaching. My voice is a thin and raspy and has been for a while. I’ve totally lost my falsetto – I can’t do any high “woo” sounds. I’m assuming it’ll get better, but the Doc said he was a little concerned. If it doesn’t, I guess I’ll have to re-think my whole approach to singing. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
MySpace is pretty cool. I’ve connected with folks I haven’t talked to in ages. I see that the Curious Hair have a real catchy tune on their page called “Wannabe Beat,” Newcastle have a CD I didn’t know about, and lots of other people have been keeping busy making music.
Again, I’ve got to say Big Sincere Thanks to everyone who’s been downloading my songs from iTunes and other services. It’s amazing just how far the internet can reach.
Guess that’s about it. I really don’t have much music news. My schoolwork has taken up most of my time and will continue to do so over the next several weeks. Less than two months until it’s over, though! Yay!
www.myspace.com/robchristensen
So, right now I am in the infant room for my student teaching. I was puked and/or spit-up on only eleven times. Things look like they're going to go well there. By the end of the nine weeks I will be in the 4k room.
I am officially off my antibiotics. I hope to get a few drinks in me Friday nite. John will have to pick up his car from his parents' place sometime this week and I am pushing for Friday so we can spend some time together. He still has not seen me healthy at all. When he got here last Tuesday I was feeling good, but Wednesday morning I started feeling like shit.
After student teaching in public schools for several weeks, I've become even more disillusioned by "teaching to the test."
Before even delving into testing, let's talk about standards. It's good to have standards...when they're reachable. To expect every 12th grader to read 25 books outside of class is lunacy. And it's nice to have a list of literature to choose from...when you can still add your own. These are not guidelines: they are restrictions. If I think a particular short story will work well with a unit, I'm not encouraged, as a public school teacher, to use it unless it's on that microscopic list of material. There's little chance to be creative or spontaneous.
As for testing, the higher-ups think it's an effective monitoring and evaluating tool, but teachers know that it's not. Importance of material is measured by whether or not it will be on the test, not how it will develop the minds of students. The end goal of education is now to regurgiate information to the satifaction of the Board of Ed, not to learn for learning's sake.
In fact, learning itself has been redefined--developing the ability to know facts rather than to developing the ability to think. Education has become a thing of the brain, not a thing of the mind.
Unfortunately, I often feel the same way about college. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever actually learned anything in my four years here. Instead, I feel like I've bought my degree, not worked my way toward it. The real learning I've done has been from conversations I've had in dorm hallways and in faculty lounges.
I swear I remember school being different...I used to think...in one of my classes...years ago...
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