Struggling @ MindSay

A few days ago, Mallman had a really good (but sad) blog about how the U.S. is seeing a major increase in the number of people who are starving, RIGHT HERE, IN OUR COUNTRY! 

Now, it's not to say that I or anyone else is without feeling for other countries, or the people who are starving the world over, but one thing that is remotely political that I do have feelings on is how our country rushes to the aid of every single country out there (or so it seems) however when it comes to making sure it's own people are taken care of, way too many people are falling through the cracks in the system.  It's red tape, it's

Bureaucracy at it's finest, but many nights, Mothers or Fathers (or both) do without a meal so their children can eat.  If ya don't believe me, go read the blog Mallman wrote!  He sited some good articles in his blog, and I know he feels just as strongly as I do about this.

Ok, so we can't change the world, we can't change the government per se, as there will always be foreign aid to other countries, and I do understand that, and I can't say that I have a problem feeding other starving people too, however it's up to us people to take care of our own!  If we don't do it, no one will!  So here is what I had in mind!

It's a little Challenge I would like to put out there for the whole Mindsay Community!  What would be ideal, would be for this to be a monthly event, not just now, because the average amount of charitable donations do tend to go up at this time of year, but people struggle all year round. 

So IF YOU DARE...Spread this to friends, family, coworkers, and anyone else you can think of.  Make it a dare too, for some reason, people can't help but resisting a dare.  (Don't ask me why?)  If you are personally struggling, you may yourself not be able to contribute, but it cost you nothing to encourage and remind others to do this...so you CAN use the lung power you have and that costs nothing.  Do what you can, be it a can, a box, or a bag. 

BUT DONATE, AND DO IT ON A REGULAR BASIS TO YOUR LOCAL FOOD BANKS! 

You can do it once a month, or you can do it in many different ways.  I have decided that I am going to purchase non perishables each and every time I go to the grocery store, even if it's just to run in and buy a gallon of milk.  I will buy a can or two of vegies, or whatever, and I will collect it in a box in my home, and once a month, I will take it to the local food pantry.  I figure that a little bit here and there won't hurt me at all, and if I can ever make larger contributions, (for example, when I get my Christmas bonus) I may purchase a case of canned goods.  But I have to do this.  I think that if you can pay your bills and are not too horribly in debt, you can do this too.  It doesn't have to be a lot either.  Just imagine, if you were that Mom or Dad that had to go without a meal or two..........wouldn't a can of green beans or corn or spaghettio's be better than nothing?  We owe this to our fellow man (and woman) and it should be a goal of anyone who reads this to spread the word, to make sure we impact as many people as possible.

Were you going to buy someone who already has everything they could possibly want or use another useless Christmas gift?  Why not purchase and donate a case of food to your local food pantry and just give them a card telling them you did it in their honor?  I bet they would feel just as good, and the Christmas spirit you are sharing, and spreading in this way is helping more people to survive on a day to day basis.

Now, before you go, let me remind you of something very important.

DO THIS YEAR ROUND........NOT JUST NOW! 

This time of year, more people open their wallets, more people tend to be a bit more generous.  But if you have it now, and you also have it say, in March, or May, July, August or September, you should be doing it whenever you can.  Someday, it could be you!

SO MINDSAY..............DO THIS...........IF YOU DARE!!!  AND CHALLENGE THOSE AROUND YOU TO DO IT TOO!  TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THOSE IN NEED!

*inspired by the song "i dont want to be me" by amanda clemens

I'm struggling here to breathe

I'm struggling here to be free

Free me from all this pain

I fear just everything here is has driven me insane

I'm trying so hard to be good

I just wish someone understood

Why I do the things I do

I'm just trying so hard, if only you knew

I seem to be so unlucky

I seem to be suffocating and hurting

But you don't understand this pain

You don't understand how much of me remains

I'm trying so hard to put away the knife

Trying to find a reason to live this gloomy life

I wish someone could offer me a cure

Right now I'm just not feeling so sure

You don't know how much I wish I wasn't me

But you don't care, as long as your happy

Crying every tear with every cut

I fear I'm stuck here, Stuck in this rut

Trying so hard to be happy

But I don't want to be me

I don't think you'll ever fucking get it

Because of you, your a story on my arm, your another slit

Who would look at this worthless face and say they loved me

No one sees the pain in my eyes, they don't see me crying

I'm just another person here to blame

I'm another to ignore, hurt, and hate. Look At What I've Became!

I'm trying so hard to stay here

But no one really cares

If I decide to run

Will you come after me or am I just done?

Trying so hard to just breathe

Trying so hard to not leave

Trying so hard to be happy

But I'm sorry

I don't want to be me

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat... my economics oral presentation is due tomorrow and I don't know that I'm going to finish it in time. Same old story. This happens with almost all my assessment, and when I think of how much time I've spent procrastinating its ridiculous. I'm going to have to lift my act for uni, if I even get there at this rate.

Yesterday was about as depressing as it could have been. I spent my day playing football for my school. I was seriously out of touch, although I picked up later on. A lot of my team-mates struggled as well, but I copped a fair bit from them anyway. I've wanted to leave TSP for some time now, basically most of the other guys treat me like shit, and yesterday was pretty much the last straw. I had one guy who told me that I was bringing the team down because I wasn't playing well enough, another two who spent more time berating me than actually getting the football themselves, and one who, despite the fact I was all on my own screaming for it, at least four times ignored me and either got tackled or kicked it out on the full. One of the most defining moments of the day was when I dragged down the opposition defender in a good tackle, he dropped the ball, setting up a goal for one of my teammates. Not one of them even acknowledged it. It's sad that something that should have been a high point for me (I always wanted to play football for the school) ended up as such a low. Granted, I'm the least skilled player in the group, and granted even then I was having an off day, but no-one could say I didn't put 100% in... unlike some of the far more talented players, who made just as many mistakes but were somehow immune from criticism. Basically TSP AFL has been one big negative experience for me.

It's been one month and three weeks since my mother figured out I was a cutter. It seems so much longer. It makes me wonder how a simple little conversation about how our school is a scene school and the trendy music they played for Twin Day goes to panic attacks and flashbacks so fast. Once we got started talking about how emo the school is, Aaron decided to poke fun at cutters. Granted, he was poking fun at the people that do it for attention, because it's cool, or whatever bullshit excuse they give for it. But still, when he goes and makes slashing motions at his wrists and mocks "Oh my god my life is so horrible...ah thats so much better, look at me bleed!", it just feels like he's poking fun at ME. I wanted to scream at him, but instead I explained how there's a difference of cutters. There are the before-mentioned trendy attention-seeking cutters, and then there are people that hide it, that don't want the world knowing about it. The ones that intricately hide their beautiful creations of artwork slashed into their flesh. The ones that truly appreciate the beauty of watching that crimson elixir just flow from your self-inflicted wound and feeling alive. The ones that don't usually talk about it. The ones that end up being discovered and people go "I would have never expected that from her. She was such a smart girl." The ones that end up being labeled by their families as the "cutter", the "fucked up one", the "psycho", the one you have to walk on eggshells around or she'll snap; the girl you thought you once knew. The girl who struggles to get on without it, while secretly craving it. She sees other girls who do it for attention, but then realize that she's jealous of them. She's jealous that they can go unnoticed with it. That noone cares about them, but everyone seems to focus on her and all of her problems. She wishes she could go back to the time when only her journal knew about the secret she tucked away inside her sleeve. But she can't. So she struggles on, day by day, trying to rid herself of this addiction. One week is an accomplishment. One month is extraordinary. Two months is acheiving the once thought impossible. But she can't do it alone. And she's not. For once, she's not alone with her struggles. This is why she's still going, regardless of the fact that she is terrified of hospitals, especially psychiatric wards, and will do anything to stay away, even if it means giving up the one thing she always thought she would have to fall back onto. But now she has people who care about her to hold her up if she falls. She's starting to grow a backbone of her own. She's growing, and becoming the person she wanted to be. She wanted to be free. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to love herself for who she was.. She wanted to feel alive again. x.x