Struggle @ MindSay

This is a recurring dream I've been having for the past year or so. I'm posting this description in order to give some insight into my feelings towards warfare. My next entry will be an argumentative paper supporting war, or at least rationalizing it for the current human condition. Hopefully, I'll avoid giving people misconceptions by posting this as well.

My dream, though somewhat vague when recorded, was of a very dismal, apocalyptic nature. The setting was obviously Orwellian, mostly taking place in an unnamed, foreign city, with architecture resembling old Italy under Mussolini's reign. The streets were narrow cobblestone, bounded by a seemingly endless procession of run-down slums, narrow two or three story brick and stucco, all a dirty, pale yellow or red. The lines of buildings were broken only by rubble piles – as if the area had sustained heavy bombing. Aside from sparse trash and ample grime, they were barren, no civilians, no militants, nothing that seemed to breath. The only feeling I can remember as I sprinted for what seemed an eternity, where silence was only broken by sparse rainfall, can be best described not as sorrow, mourning, or any terror. All I can remember feeling is a profound deadening of emotion as a requiem sounded for the past inhabitants “Praise the Fallen.” The scene faded to black and white, and, in a flash, I was standing in a field, encompassed on all sides by massive, snowcapped mountains. The grass was a thick carpet of green, and the entire scene, I suppose, could be summarized as the zenith of nature's beauty. I fell to my knees, screaming, “What happened to those people?! All of those people!” I promptly heard a clear, booming voice that seemed to come from within my head, echoed in trumpets and war drums, “There are no more battlefields – just the empty streets and rain.” Immediately, I was struck by a flashback, standing in the streets again, or, rather, above them, looking down to see a poor, impoverished mass climbing from the rubble and shanty-houses, expressionless, marching, armed with makeshift weaponry toward the west. As I looked down upon this, the buildings, rubble, streets, everything in sight, seemed to form an infinite procession of nameless grave markers, simple brick and mortar monuments, fields of paper statues, that remained as the only proof of their existence. I seemed to be controlling the events, to be commanding them to do as such, and, to the background noise of falling bombs and phantom machinegun fire, I had no will to cease, to attempt to stop their ultimate, inevitable destruction; I had no sympathy for my earlier emotions. I heard a voice, sounding over masses of loudspeakers, emulating the cry of air-raid sirens, repeating “I only wish there had been...a better way.” The march, the dirge, the struggle, the maelstrom, the fray persists. Still expressionless, the people march into the sea, chanting something in a language unknown, with a meaning akin to “New Hope.” Around this time, I awoke.

Still here. Still dying.
The world is finally turning again, the frigid cold piercing the world like a needle, following the grooves of the roads to make a cacophonous symphony of leaves crunching and cars honking and humanity slowly deteriorating into nothingness so profound that I can do nothing but sit and watch and wait. I'm feeling poetic today. I feel... I feel, first of all, which is something that hasn't happened in a while.
I question these memoirs. If that's what this has become. I question the validity of it, the purpose, the reason behind it all... But I'm not going to stop writing. By no means can I abandon this course of action.
Still here. Still dying.

Just struggling with time.

Why is every breath a struggle? Why is being a struggle? All I want to do is end my struggle. I don't want to be anymore! With every fiber of my being I don't want to exist. It hurts to be, I don't want to hurt anymore. The only thing keeping me from releasing myself is my two kids and I'm afraid I'd never see there faces again. I do have a hodge podge of prescriptions next to me. I should take them, I'm just afraid that I'll wake up really messed up. I don't know. I don't know much of anything. Just that I don't want to live!

Once again, I am both appreciative and tormented by the comprehensive, thoughtful, and clear post experienced here. Yesterday, a friend (revcathian) posted an excellently thought out and prayed out statement as to her beliefs. It takes a lot of courage to take a stand, and I am quite aware of this. I wrestled with her statement(s) all day, and apparently, through much of the night!

What I most appreciate about her thoughts is how it exemplifies the fact that believers in Jesus cannot compartmentalize their beliefs into one section of their life and their world view into another. There is no separation of Church and state within me.  Often we are told to leave the religious “churchy” stuff in church, but this cannot happen, if we are honestly and actively following Jesus. As we receive more and more of the Love of God, it changes us and effects change throughout our personality and belief system ... continually. It is necessary, then, to re-evaluate and re-prioritize periodically to keep “things” in line.

This compartmentalism also applies to the fact that we all tend to lump people together and affix generalized statements to them. When we use the term “Christian”, for example, each of us has a slightly different image in mind, but we apply it to just about anyone who names the name of Jesus. Even here at Mindsay, there is a tremendous assortment and range of beliefs under the banner of Christ. The beauty of Christianity is that Christ meets each of us right where we are and, because he is our Creator, he enables us to develop little by little into the person he created us to be – each unique and wondrously made! While the rest of the world is seemingly striving to make us clones, all liking, doing, thinking the same, Jesus' love can empower us to be real.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel on many of the issues. As you can see from the past few days of questions, I do not have a great deal of faith in our media or in the lopsided information transmitted both overtly and subtly over the internet and the airways. So, from what source(s) can we glean information? How do we process that information?

In respectful response to the world view revcathian laid out, here is where I struggle:

1. There is a parable in Luke 12 that talks about earthly v heavenly treasure. Toward the end of the explanation, Jesus says that to whom much is given, much will be required (v 48). Obviously, the US has been “given” much in the way both of capitol and various resources, none of which is more valuable than the freedom we proclaim. With freedom, comes responsibility. To my mind, it's rather like the world is a neighborhood. Within this neighborhood, there are overt bullies who beat and abuse some or all the other residents. The US, though certainly not omnipotent or perfect, has the ability to protect the weaker neighbors from these bullies, and teach them how to protect themselves. Problem is, power corrupts, and there is within the nature of man a hunger for power. Someplace, what begins with good and honorable intentions, erodes – not because of one man or woman, not because of poor prior planning (although each of these can feed into it), but simply because of the imperfection of man. So, where does that leave us?  When do we love our neighbor or turn the other cheek, and when do we arise in righteous indignation in defense of the defenseless?

2. There is much evidence in scripture to suggest that God sovereignly “raises up and puts down” the rulers of nations (Prov 21:1; Rom 13:1 et al). My allegiance is not so much to the US government as to the God who reigns over this and every other government. My citizenship is first, in Jesus' kingdom, and secondly in the US. I participate in the democratic process and prayerfully support those chosen.  I know that "Christianity" is not synonymous with "American", but has God not established this, and the other nations?  If I witness abuse and do nothing, or just walk away, am I accurately representing the Love of God? 

When 9/11 occurred, we were all shocked - angered - frustrated - ?  The declaration of war on terror was an active response.  Obviously, because of the situation, there wasn't much time for preparation or planning, but nearly everyone supported the concept.  We were told our "resolve" would be tested and it has been.  We were told it would not be easy - unlike our images of Desert Storm, this venture would be costly - still we (most of us) supported it.  But sadly, politics and war management do not mix, as we should have learned in Viet Nam - War should not be used as a political tool in spite of its effectiveness.  So what should be do?  Cut & run?  It is obvious, a new strategy is needed.  Where do we look?  There seems to be no “righteous” choice – at least as I see the candidates lining up, so does this mean we do not have a viable candidate? I don't know ... honestly.

3. Democracy, as I understand it, was conceived under the assumption of a benevolent God. Although many of our forefathers were deists, they still held to a moral code based on biblical standards. I do not believe it is reasonable to assume that democracy is suitable for every nation. I'm not even sure it really works is the US any more, although we enjoy much more freedom than many. I'm reminded of the fish in the 10 gal fish tank permitted to use only a small portion of that tank. Remove the restrictions and they continue to use only the small portion of the tank. It takes time and education for them to realize their increased freedoms and learn how to use and appreciate it. Again, I don't know what this means to Iraq or Afghanistan ... or any of the other numerous places at war.

Do we stick our heads in the proverbial sand and hope everything turns out right?

Do we even have enough information to make sound judgments on these vital issues?

Do we bring all our troops home and use them to guard our borders and coastlines against any and all “foreigners”?

Do we allow the bullies of the world to continue to ravage their neighborhoods unchecked? (What about Darfur? Tehran? Korea? ...? )

As many of you know, both my X husband and I served in the Army (separately), and now my youngest daughter is preparing to leave in September. I am proud to have had the opportunity to serve, and though I hope my baby is not deployed to a danger zone ... I fully understand her need to feel a vital part of her world.

Obviously, I don't have all the answers, but open, respectful discussion is always good. There is much I do not know, and much I do not understand.  What I know is I care ... and I want our nation, my nation to stand for "caring" for the oppressed.  I am an idealist, obviously, but ... while I cannot change anyone else, I can certainly demonstrate "caring" in my own life in any number of avenues. 

 

Where do you stand?

 

~ B