Strife @ MindSay 
There is a famous beach called 'Pebble Beach" at Pescadero, on the California Coast, this lone line of white surf is constantly thrashing on the beach with all the rattles and thunders of constant motion of the waves among the stones and pebbles on this shore line, day end and day out the constant motion of the sea and waves hit mercilously on the beach these stones are tossed, and bounced hit upon other rocks in the sea, rocked and rolled and hit upon the rough jagged cliffs. And what would be the result of such turmoil?
Tourist the world over come to this beach to collect and gather these beautiful round and smooth pebbles, beautiful keep sakes, to put on mantles and cabinets, these beautiful pebbles are sought out because of their rare beauty.
If one would go up further around the cliffs you would come upon a point where the cliff breaks off the face of the sea, and up and around the bend you will come upon a quiet cove, sheltered from the storms, and the tossing of the sea, lying in the sun you will find a great abundance of stones and pebbles that are not chosen by these tourist. Why you ask? Why are they not sought after like the other pebbles on the other beach? For the simple reason that these stones have ecscaped all the turmoil and blast from the waves, and the quiet and the peace of this cove have left them as they are rough, angular and devoid of beauty.Polish comes through turmoil and trouble.
The trials, and stress, and hurts, and upsets that come at us in this world, are there to beautify us into beautiful works of nature, and character, without it we would be worthless ugly rocks good for nothing of worth.
Like the continuous agitation that goes on within an clam, the more the irritation the bigger and more beautiful the pearl!
anything of worth, and beauty only happen through the struggles of life, lets be thankful that a work of art is being fashioned in your life!!
blessed b
Boblings at your apron strings
Surely they think you have wings
For, when they're down, you lift them high
You dry their tears; you tell them why....
....why the turtle won the race
....why they say he "stole" the base
....why the robin's egg is blue
....why all are governed by a few
They'll always know you were a team
And that there always was a dream
To raise them well, to teach them right
And even though she's out of sight...
...their mom and you forever stand
United in the family plan
To love their children more than life
To give them strength throughout the strife....
....strength to flourish in the dance
....strength to always take a chance
....strength to lose themselves in play
....strength to trust again one day
Till suddenly you'll turn 'round twice
And see a sight so very nice...
...a bobling at your daughter's side
...the object of his grandpa's pride.
I am not negating my usual upbeat affirmation promoting self...but sometimes you do just gotta vent and whine.. I seem to whine enough lately about the customer service issues...and I DO know who I am in Christ, and I do know that I am in a spiritual battle... I know, I know I know!
But I am frustrated. And I am going to whine right now and get it over with. I am not going to put my usual affirmations to work at changing my mindset here... we all know them, I know them, and I believe in them, but sometimes its good to just state facts as facts, Ma'am. I pray, all day I talk to and with God.
I live in a box that was intended to be a hotel room, I swear, and I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and if the only way to get thru this is to go back and get on a consistant routine of lortab, that option is getting better and better.
I am currently financially in ruins
I can't (at this current time) work to my full potential physically doing what I love to do.
Everyday I am in physical pain of some degree. Some better than others. Some worse. Obviously.
Make up Sex? One would think so, with all the fighting we have been doing.
Romance? Dead in the water... even after I say or do A.B.C...not hints, but clearly defined, etc. Even when I initiate the romantic, it flops around like a dead fish. Our marriage has become a tedius toiling financially draining toll on both of us, and all we can seem to do is disagree on everything.
Everything I attempt seems to escalate into turmoil. A simple turning on of cable tv and internet has turned into a month saga.
My son, whom I chose to adopt, has chosen time and time again to reject me, violently and physically, is in jail and even at this point in his life, he again is rejecting me by not contacting me since the day he was arrested.
I have a father that I grew up with, whom I have had to forgive often... and I do, and I do love him, but it's a constant walking on egg shells.
I have a birth father, that I spoke with before my wedding, invited and he said yes, to come to my wedding.. and never showed. According to my mother he said he didnt think it was a good time. Apparently there still is not a good time, 20 years later. So why do I tenatively look for him from time to time on the net.. stupid me.. just wanting to open up another avenue of hurt dawn street.
I am writing a book. Self publishing costs money. I think I could do it, once published, I think I could go around and promote the book. Just coming up with the money.
I also need to take my national certification exam which costs 300.00 and blah blah... right now I am limited to only working within the city limits of where I live until I take this stupid test that I dont believe in. What the heck does a written exam and no physical exam proove as a Massage therapist... off that subject quickly.
I have to figure out how to propose changes to my employee. Offer her a good deal that she will be happy with, that if she moves on, she doesnt bad mouth me and the time she spent working for me. Word of mouth means alot in this business. I have provided for her many clients over the last two years, and I am trying to put a offer together for her...but she reacts so violently sometimes to things, that I am putting it off to. But why go look for another place if she really wants out? If I really want out of working with her. I hate feeling responsible for someone elses financial wellbeing when its been such a blazingly hellish year for me.
I dont know what to do about my office, my practice. I love being a massage therapist. I am at a crossroads, and the answers arent coming easy or clearly.
This afternoon I looked at an office, that is less spacious than what I currently have, near the office that I have, so location wont be a big issue for current clients, and I think the utilities will be more than 1/2 less due to the efficiency of the building, its only 8 years old.
However it is 350.00 a month MORE than what I am paying currently. So that doesnt seem like a positive spin. And if my employee doesnt wish to share costs, then that was a whole waste of time... And good lord it was hot in there, the sweat was rolling down parts of me that I didnt know could sweat!
I then spent a 1/2 hour going around and around the stupid one way section, looking for a office to go look at monday, and the dummy gave me the wrong directions. When I got there, it was ok, but not what I want. But maybe something I will have to settle for to get thru.
AND that leads me to the next point. I am tired of settling..tired of getting thru. I am 40 for petes sake! oops..41. WHY am I so unsettled? Why dont we have a savings account? Why when we do, does it get sucked in?
We tithe, we give, I love to look for ways to be generous to others. I give great customer service and am always looking for ways to serve in my business, in my life, etc. So why do I seem to be like a rat going around on a dang gerbil wheel, going no where, spinning my wheel ..even when I change direction, it just seems to roll over the top of me. I thought the whole vibe of the Universe, of God, is you get what you put out... what you give is what you get, etc... right now I feel like I have been walking thru the reincarnation of a very bad person who is now living the life of never ever walking thru and walking victorious!
I hate the word failure... and I dont think really that we fail at anything, other than not attempting it...I just think there must be something terribly wrong in my life and I am not seeing it... I have searched my heart and life to see if there is somethng in me, that I need to bring to God,etc.. and I always thought that I kinda took that as it goes and that God and I were on the same page pretty much on a daily basis... good lord, maybe someone has put a hex on me? LOL... HEX/Curse...
Well, I could go into a whole tongue talking attack on the devil..but I think sometimes we give the devil far to much credit ya know?
I am really not looking for anyone to answer me, I am not looking for a sympathy pat on the head.. I just am FRUSTRATED. And I want to be successful. I want to push through, not give up, but I feel like I am slammed up against a wall, the leather cuffs binding my ankles and wrists and I am being lashed and no one is hearing me call out my safeword! STOP. Slow down, let me off this thing.
See, I am not perfect.. I have feelings of frustration,and I am holding my head out of the window screaming.. God I have too much on my plate right now, I need a personal assistant here! I feel pulled in so many directions...like a arcade game where the ball gets blasted out and then pinged all over the machine...banged here, it flies over to that corner, oh wait, its trapped in a whole... BANG.. gets bumped out, only to go get slammed in the lower left by a paddle out of no where.
I want a plan. I want to know that what I do adds value to the world, others, myself and my husband.
It doesnt have to last longer than I live, but at least while I am alive, I want to be valuable. Valued. I dont mind different ideas, and stuff..I love that.. but would like to see one or two of the plans come to a fruitful path, rather than the path of struggle.
Golly I better end this... lets see..whats a good ending to this horrible post.....
well, in the tradition of overboard (from an earlier convo)
---------------------------------
Burning Down The House * no i am not going to do this, i dont even have renters insurance..LOL, it's just stuck in my head all of a sudden*
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Watch out you might get what you're after
Cool babies strange but not a stranger
I'm an ordinary guy
Burning down the house
Hold tight wait till the party's over
Hold tight We're in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house
Here's your ticket pack your bag: time for jumpin' overboard
The transportation is here
Close enough but not too far, Maybe you know where you are
Fightin' fire with fire
All wet hey you might need a raincoat
Shakedown dreams walking in broad daylight
Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees
Burning down the house
It was once upon a place sometimes I listen to myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work baby what did you except
Gonna burst into flame
My house S'out of the ordinary
That's might Don't want to hurt nobody
Some things sure can sweep me off my feet
Burning down the house
No visible means of support and you have not seen nuthin' yet
Everything's stuck together
I don't know what you expect starring into the TV set
Fighting fire with fire
And yet we talk of this legacy we leave for future generations. What legacy? The legacy of "it's just for now?" Nothing is made to last. We will not be remembered fondly. We may not be remembered at all. We're not producing anything antiquable. What will we leave our kids?
God, I'm depressed.
Rewatched Gettysburg, took Mom out for lunch, tried to go shopping and failed miserably since everything is closed. Cleaned a lot. Did a lot of silver polishing. All in all, a slow day. I think the highlight was doing the crossword in the back of an old New York mag while watching Pirates of the Caribbean and Mary Poppins.
I need to make more pasta so I can dry it and sell it to out-of-towners for massive amounts of money because it's "homespun" or some shit. I love tourists; they're so damn gullible, especially middle-aged New Yorkers. They're so dumb I could sell them a stick for $50 just by saying it has some fucked-up Native American religious value. And the wannabe hippie wicclets that show up to "commune with nature" are just as bad. Play some mystic woo-woo at them and have a few crystals lying around and you're their goddamn messiah. Fucking hell, people need to step back and look at how ridiculous they look to locals. I don't buy anything for any more than I would pay at home, thank you very much. Has the world lost its mind?
Oy vey. I need a drink, methinks.
Happy new year, once again.
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