I'm stressing myself out over things I normally wouldn't stress over or over things that are completely . . . just dumb. Obviously when I don't have anything to stress over, I need to create stress for myself anyway to fill that void.
Like, I have been sorta stressing over my future, which is uncharacteristic of me. Examples: I feel like I have only one skill in life, and am I going to have to be on food stamps forever?
And summer's here now, so what am I going to do when my face starts really breaking out again, should I just go back to my old product even though it'll probably give me cancer or how about I am never going to be able to dedicate myself to an exercise routine ever again
I've lived here for almost a year now (I have surely been steadily moving myself in for over a year now, and, honestly still am moving myself in) and I feel like I should be completely adjusted to my "new" life by now and I'm just not, and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to adjust? I will never find a new comfortable routine or just a new stability. Like, I guess I'm stressing over the fact it's been a year and I still don't feel stable so I'm clearly never going to feel stable again? I know all things take time and with me, sometimes things take even longer but doesn't a whole damn year seem long enough? Why can't I just GET THIS. I don't understand.
I also know that living what I feel is a "double life" (my Hudson life vs my Daytona life) is taking it's toll on me (and my car and my wallet) but I really can't see how I could stop living this way unless I move really far away. Which do I even want to do that? Because all I really want to do is live with my mother again but I can't go back to the way life used to be. Plus I enjoy mostly the life I have now. I just want both lives and I can't have them but I try really hard to merge them into one and I'm just really exhausted. I've never been good at moving on without letting go entirely and so I don't think I had enough practice for this. I just wish my mom could move closer to me. My mom and everyone else who genuinely cares about me, because I miss that shit. A lot. I have Harry and he's great but he's just not enough sometimes, you know? That's not a negative thing-- I am essentially his only friend here but he's been working on trying to find more friends because I am not enough. Understandable, he needs guy time plus I need some alone time (however, not nearly as much as I always thought I would, it must be that lovethang). Well I need to be surrounded by a genuine support system 99% of the time and he is just one person-- a genuine, loving, supporting person, but still just one person and I need a workforce to support me. I am such an effort; it's a big job. He shouldn't have to bear the burden of me entirely on his own either, that's just not fair. But opportunities to live are here and they are not back home. The only thing back home is love and love is just not, not enough. Here I have some love and some life and some opportunity and that's better for me, I know, I just don't really care some days. Self-mutilation exists in all forms and me trying to sabotage my life has always been one, which I know will happen if I give up on life and move back.
Moving back is not ever really a true option for me, because I know that's not where I'm meant to be right now but I just miss my old life so badly sometimes that I just entertain the idea for too long. I do enjoy my new life too. I do. I love Harry-- I always feel like I have to clarify this because I think I appear so down all the time. I just think too much, that's all. Also, I'm just really sardonic. It's a bad combination.
I also know that sometimes when I blog about things they go away (for better or for worse) so here's hoping that my exhaustion and stress can just go. I created all of it, but I don't know how to destroy it.
I've been missing school recently and that's how you know my mind is bad. hahaha Anytime I feel out of options, I want to go back to school because that is the only thing I am good at. I guess I have two skillls-- making coffee and bullshitting essays. Good times.
So I've been having a real problem with motivation lately. I have all these ideas for novels whirling around in my head, and several that are already started, but I've barely put any words down in months. I'm not sure why. I'll get determined--today I'm going to do this--and then just won't. The one time I tried, last weekend, the result was, well, disappointing, to say the least. I got about 1800 words out and they were pretty much garbage. Not remotely provocative or exciting. Could be that I'm out of practice, or it could be that I've just not found the perfect way to start this one yet. Only way to be sure is to soldier on, I guess. Hell, my last one went through four or five different beginnings before I got it right, so...
But anyway, I'm not sure what's going on. The life situation, nominally, has improved. My new job is worlds better than my old one, even if it is a ton of stress. I'm thinking that's part of the issue--this is a different kind of stress than I'm used to, and I need to find some way to manage it. I've never had a job before where I can't take a day off without feeling the need to check my e-mail to make sure there are no emergencies or disasters or fires to put out. It kind of weighs on me at times. It's hard to recharge the old batteries when you have to think about work even when you're not there. But I'm still relatively new to this job--only been here for 8 months and they say it can take up to 2 years or so just to get a handle on the position. So maybe after awhile I'll find a good place of balance. I hope so.
Yesterday I was really down and really emotional for no apparent reason. Not sure what was up with that. I just dealt with it by kind of withdrawing into myself and riding it out. There's still a bit of it lingering today. Hoping it diminishes instead of getting worse.
Tonight after work I need to clean the house--it's gotten almost to the state where I'm afraid I'm going to see us on the evening news as having "deplorable living conditions." Julie's working late as she usually does on Wednesdays, so it'll be a good time to get things done. I am vowing right now that the television will not go on, unless it's to tune to a music channel or put on a music/concert disc for background music while I clean. Then I need to settle down, look through my various writing projects, pick one, and finish it. My publisher is going to open up for new submissions this summer, he thinks, and I need to have at least two books ready to send to him. One is done and waiting. I can finish one more, I think.
I'm losing weight--it's actually starting to be visible. That's a great thing. Mostly I'm just being more aware of my portion sizes, and have been getting more exercise just by virtue of how my commute works, now. I'm getting in at least a good half hour of walking every day, and working in hills and stairs to that. It's helped a lot. I feel a bit lighter, though I haven't yet got to the point where I can run without feeling a bit of..."bounce." That's the goal. That and dropping at least 2 inches off my waist. I think I'm down about an inch, but don't quote me on that. I don't keep a scale in the house because I would obsess about it. I know I'm starting--just starting--to be able to see my jawline in the mirror again, which is great.
Anyway, yeah, I've got a problem with motivation and drive. I have ambition, but my drive has once more gone far south. I'm not sure how to get it back. But one thing is certain--I need to figure it out fast.
Okay, rambling over. Thanks for listening, whoever you may be.
Mannnnn, you guys! I am really messing up right and left lately! I need to glue or duct-tape or Velcro a calendar to myself.
Here's the thing: I CANNOT be in all 5 places on Friday I am supposed to be! However, at the start of it, I only had 2 things that were spaced out. How did all of this happen!??!! And how did I, who always has a schedule in my head, not catch it??!?!
- Subbing at Colrain. I knew about that one. And I ever wrote a note saying I was busy Friday afternoon. So whyyyyy on Monday did I say yes to the parent coming in to view his daughter's binder Friday after school?!?! Because I'm stupid, that's why.
- I'm supposed to exercise with Terry after school. I really, REALLY want to keep that. Maybe she can wait until I get back from Colrain but that also is in the way of parent seeing binder, etc. And she has a life, too. I bet she doesn't want to wait around until close to 4 or after just to work out with me before starting her weekend. So THAT womps.
- I'm supposed to be providing respite care on Friday night around 6:30 until ?? Which was fine before my mom moved her Passover Dinner Party from Wednesday to Friday. At the time I was like 'oh, whatever, dinner's dinner' and then today in the shower I was like oh hot damn, I won't be able to be at the meal I've been cooking and cleaning for! My mom was just SO bummed on the phone a few minutes ago I wanted to cry. But I feel really, really bad canceling on the family since I said yes either Saturday or Sunday last week and they both had plans they were excited for and I know they have a really hard time finding people since their daughter is so tough.
But ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am the worst.
Today, Angela came to school. I wanted to work on LB's Alt assessment. You know, since it's due to the state in ... 8 days? 9 ish? And still hardly ANYTHING is done. And anything that IS done is because of me, not her. I've been super stressed out about this, and she hasn't been.
Do you know why?
Because apparently, she's not working on it anymore. I don't know who made that call, but she isn't. I'm "the special education teacher" so it's now apparently completely my responsibility. NEVERMIND the fact that I JUST got the job. Clearly, I should be expected to do all of it.
I just want to know when she knew she wasn't going to be helping. If it was weeeeeeks ago, I am going to be super pissed. Because had I known I couldn't count on her to help handle things, I would have been attacking this a lot more and getting things done.
I mean the goddamn online profile stuff wasn't even started before this afternoon! I am truly in doubt I will get all of this done in time. WHYYYY does she have to be a 5th grader? 5th graders need 7 goals, where as grades 3, 4, and 6 all only have 4.
Gonna go try some deep breaths and then some data entry. EXACTLY how I wanted to spend my time outside of my half-day job. I've now been working on the portfolio for 8 hours today, and I only 'work' 3 hours a day. And that includes seeing students.
I ended up crying by day's end from the stress of this job, but it is NOT without its seriously cute moments.
A few days a week, I have a 'lunch club' with some third grade girls. I'm really there for my one student to help her navigate social situations better than she usually does, but that works much better if we sit with her peers, don't you think? Anyway, I'd guess it's a table of 8, really nice girls (most of whom I know outside of school).
Now, the point of this is to keep her focused on what's happening RIGHT NOW, because this is a child who harps on things. Like, she wants to talk about her birthday all the time, which isn't until late March. Which would be fine, if she wasn't ALSO doing it when I was working with her at camp IN JULY. And she'll try to switch topics every other thought, which is really not beneficial for a conversation as you might have guessed.
Last week, she told me that she and "Lisa" (obvi I'm gonna change names) had a playdate the day before, and that she'd had fun. However, I've now learned that she tells past events as though they are present. Because this is the actual story, ver batim, I was told while we were eating lunch and talking about how "Brianna" didn't eat meat:
I HAD A PLAY DATE WITH LISA! SHE WAS LOUD, I WAS LOUD, THEN SHE WENT HOME. IT WAS A GOOD PLAY DATE!
Yup, that was the whole story. I wrote it in all caps because...well, she told it to me in all caps. When pressed for what MADE them so loud/excited, you know, to make the story more interesting and detailed, she started talking about Brianna's carrots being two different colors...ALMOST back to the topic we'd been on before she revisited the play date of last week.