Story @ MindSay 
writing
Personal Demons
In a single sight you may see a man, sleeping with his eyes open, but a man nonetheless. You can never see him for all that he is while he is there. He will never even see you for anything. He is a man obsessed. He is no longer a human; he is but a man gone mad.
He is lying alone in the woods of eastern Ontario. The bugs know not to leave him be, but the mammals and birds would rather devour their own offspring than take a step in his direction.
His body has been all but stripped to its bones. All around him the aroma of pus is prevalent. His breath is rapid and rattling. His mouth is dry, and his body is absorbed with open sores. The maggots and worms are already ravaging him. He is a man embracing Death, but Death will not take him.
He is a man who has stuck himself in time.
He lived in a small tight-knit community near the provincial town of Cobalt. He was a man whom some respected for his duties and tasks about the community, but most regarded him as a stranger to them, even though he has lived in the same spot for upwards of twenty years.
He was a reclusive man: he kept to himself. He would never have dreamt of leaving his home if it were not for his job or if food were not a necessity to him.
He worked as a wilderness guide in the Canadian forests; more commonly, a canoeing guide for the few local tourists. Sometimes he would leave with a client, or even all alone, for weeks at a time. He knew he was never at peace with the fresh waters and thus, he had an uncommon dread of his profession.
When he would eventually come back, he would go unseen. He would ride the river all the way to his cottage, and contrary to a welcome after up to a month alone, he would go unnoticed by the townspeople.
On one occasion he returned by the route straight through the village center. Although not many people were out, and when most saw him they did not know who he was, the ones that did were at a loss for words at his sudden appearance. He was a strong sight. He was carrying more than his share of food, but alone still.
It wasn’t a terribly uncommon sight to see him alone. The ones who knew his name figured he simply went out on a solo trip as opposed to business.
Once he was just out of earshot of the town a barely audible mumble was heard to arise from his boat:
“This… This makes no sense...”
With this he promptly disappeared to his home.
When he exited his boat and hung it upon his formal rack, as opposed to flipped next to his cottage. Despite the early time of 4:15 P.M., he hurried into his bed and soon fell asleep.
During the night, he dreamt a nightmare. He saw a body rising into the air. It rose so high the height was beyond recognition. The body began to glow a demonic green, and a river of the same mist flowed from its body. With no warning it burst into an inferno of grey flame.
He woke the next morning to remember nothing of the night before. Contrary to his normal routine, he showed himself at the town’s only diner. It was more of a chip-stand than anything else, but it served coffee. It served its purpose.
He ordered the drink, but never moved even once to so much as smell it. He let it sit until it was as cold as the air around him.
At about noontime, he was still motionless. A fellow townsman who sat down next to him, staring directly at him, greeted him. The townsman, Matthew Fraser, then waited half an hour himself before saying anything:
“Why have you come back?” He asked in a serious tone. “You know as well as I do that the people who know you here want you out.”
His first words in hours were spoken:
“But I have nowhere else to go,” he replied with a grin.
“ We don’t care about those things here, soon you too will realize that.”
“You really are the only one here who cares about me. You really are my only friend.”
With a smile, Matthew was gone.
The waitress, Leona Smith, then came over for an inquiry to what Mr. Fraser wanted. He told her it was just an innocent exchange of words. She asked him if he would be paying for the coffee that was drunk. With a puzzled glance at his now empty coffee mug he said:
“Yes.”
With this he paid the young lady, leaving a generous tip, and left her for his home once more.
A few days passed with no sight of him, but on the third day he was spotted once more at the diner. He once again ordered coffee, and he once again paid and left for his home.
He would never return to the diner, or for that matter, the village.
He laid down for sleep and entered yet another nightmare, from this one he would never wake.
It showed him living in a world not unlike the world in which he actually lived.
There was a small village near which a cottage sprung forth. The area was abundant in wildlife and had a moderate amount of people living in the town. But every living thing that was exposed to him in the dream would begin to decay. Some would bloat and host themselves to hideous parasites, while others would gain sunken features and seemingly wilt.
There was a constant glow of twilight around the town and along the river, it could be evaded nowhere in the dream.
The scene changed: it was now a portrait of the river that ran through the village. The river was not as he remembered it, instead of the crisp, cool blue he was used to, it was a cold and deep shade of black.
He knew what was to happen next.
In an instant the river went a pale white with a line of crimson waters flowing through it. With this he saw a spectral hand flowing through it. He only saw it briefly but he knew exactly what it was.
He cried out in horror. With this he woke the dead.
The body of Zachary Smith, recognizable only to him: the child he took on the prior trip, burst forth.
A completely different entity than the naïve young boy who set out weeks before, the thing that stood before him was a demon. A demon conjured from all the evil thoughts surrounding the boy’s death.
In a single swift motion, the demon brutally maimed him. The demon was to devour him.
It rose up into the sky. With a flash of remembrance he exclaimed:
“ At six miles up you will explode, I have seen it all!”
The demon replied:
“No one listens to the damned.”
But this man was not damned. He was an innocent, never taking more than he needed. It was an accident that the boy died. Leona knew this, Matthew knew this, but he did not.
The demon rose, to a total of what was now six miles, and burst apart in an inferno of grey flame.
With a moments hesitation he exclaimed for joy, for he thought he had defeated the demon.
Little Zachary began to form once again out of the ash. The man wept when he saw the boy again, but he knew it would not last. The boy began to grow wings, horns, black skin, and demonic eyes. He knew it was done.
A moment before the demon pierced his heart, it all ceased. There was a flash of absolute nothingness, followed by an eternal repetition of the agonizing horrors he experienced.
After two months since his last appearance the knowledgeable village people began to grow an uncertain concern. There was a buzz about the town of how he had fled without any reasons, or that the Ontario Provincial Police had found him living off the grid and taken him away.
Mr. Fraser knew that none of these rumors could be true. He set out for the man’s cottage that very evening.
After some ragged rapping upon a locked door, Mr. Fraser battered it down.
He arrived inside the house and immediately smelled the foul stench of rotting flesh. He moved into the bedroom and saw the body of his friend. It showed glassy eyes staring into nothing, it showed a split mouth, with dried blood all over his face. But what it didn’t show would be the question to haunt Matthew. It didn’t show the guilt of a man. It didn’t show the key to immortality to being eternal repentance. It didn't show the insanity of a man who would confine himself to damnation for an innocent crime.
Mr. Fraser simply closed his eyes and turned to leave: he could no longer save this man.
In conjunction with maple story mesos SEA's 3rd anniversary, we are proud to bring to you a huge list of highlights, events, items and much much more!
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Be sure to check out on the various quests only available during this limited time period. Do not miss out on any of it!
Below are the details of happenings in the 0.56 version update:
maple story mesosSEA's 3rd Anniversary Party Events
(14th May 2008 ~ 2nd July 2008)
1. maplestory mesos Item Drops
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5. Fortune Telling Quest: Cassandra
Visit Cassandra and have your fortunes told!
6. Aramia's Fireworks: Aramia, all classes
Missed the fun? Share the joy with your loved ones now! Collect the power kegs and bring them to Aramia to set off the fireworks. Witness the beautiful sight together and indulge yourself once again!
7. Level Up Event, level 2 and above
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Speak to Cassandra to activate a different quest everyday.
Monday:
Quest bonus of Extra 40% EXP will be given every time user complete a particular quest (up to 5 quests for the day) Eg. If the quest reward is 10k Exp, and if this is one of the first 5 quests you are attempting on the day, you will be rewarded with 14k Exp instead of 10k Exp.
Small nuclear reactors can range in power output from less that one up to several hundred megawatts.
More recently, prospects for a so-called nuclear renaissance have revitalized speculation about the design and use of small reactors in Canada. For example, in an interview with CBC News, in February, 2009, Premier Brad Wall said “... he hoped Saskatchewan could play a role developing small reactor technology. He went on to say the provincial government might be able to devote some resources to research and development in that area.”
A report by Saskatchewan’s Uranium Development Partnership, (UDP) included an upbeat statement that “because they require little or no refueling and produce both heat and electricity, small reactors could eventually compete with small-scale diesel, oil and gas generation as a power alternative in remote sites.” The report went on to state that, “Saskatchewan has the opportunity to participate in this market by partnering with a commercial technology developer on a demonstration project.”
Ah, but–the history of small reactors in Canada includes some very expensive “lemons,” something that should give pause to anyone seriously contemplating getting into that kind of business.
As an example, one of those not so successful small reactor efforts was the SLOWPOKE 3, a brainchild of Atomic Energy of Canada, Ltd. (AECL).
The Slowpoke became an issue for me in 1986, when I was a spokesperson for the Concerned Citizens’ of Manitoba (CCM.), Canada, a nuclear waste watchdog group. After years of our lobbying, the Manitoba provincial government was poised to pass a bill which would prohibit the burial or long-term storage of high level nuclear waste in the Province.
AECL officials were quite upset over the upcoming legislation, one of their concerns being that the bill contained a clause which prohibited the storage of high-level nuclear waste originating from outside the Province for more than seven days. This, according to the AECL testimony, would result in its inability to store the waste from its new "Safe Low Power Kritical (sic) Experiment," (a.k.a. SLOWPOKE) at its Whiteshell, Manitoba based nuclear research station.
The SLOWPOKE 3 was to be a small (10 Megawatt) heat and isotope producing nuclear reactor that AECL was actively marketing around the world, even though it was still in the early stages of untested design. AECL maintained that the pending legislation would force it to set up waste storage facilities elsewhere at additional cost, and that Manitoba would lose "commercial benefits" from the SLOWPOKE 3 program.
It appeared that AECL planned to retrieve the waste from all the SLOWPOKE 3 reactors that it expected to sell in Canada, and abroad, and bring it to Manitoba for storage! Nevertheless, the Manitoba legislation was enacted into law.
However, that did not stop AECL from promoting its mini-nuke.
I recalled reading an article in the Lac du Bonnet, Manitoba, Leader of June 15, 1982, headlined "Nuclear Furnaces Could Soon Be Heating Your House." It went on to describe the small, unattended, SLOWPOKE reactor which could heat a building and require refueling only once every five years.
"Safe Low Power Kritical Experiment!" It was fascinating that AECL chose to use the word "Safe," to describe its new "baby" reactor. It left me with more apprehensions than I already had about its large power reactors, with the acronym, "CANDU," which lacked that vital word “Safe.” Would they now change CANDU to "SCANDU"?
Also, I wondered why the use of the word "experiment." After all, who wants to buy a radioactive "experiment" to heat their community centre or other buildings?
A demonstration 2-megawatt version of the SLOWPOKE 3 reactor began very low-power operation at AECL's Pinawa, Manitoba, Whiteshell research station on July 15, 1987. But well before that small demonstration model was up and running, the Crown Corporation was already actively marketing the non-existent 10 mw version in such places as China, Korea, Europe and Canada's own Northwest Territory.
By January, 1988, AECL had signed a memorandum of agreement with Hungary for a potential SLOWPOKE 3 sale.
A May 29, 1986, Winnipeg Free Press article headlined "Radioactive Waste Repository for Manitoba Planned by Agency," really caught our attention. AECL’s idea was to remove spent fuel from each SLOWPOKE 3 reactor every five to eight years. The thirty or forty fuel bundles would be placed in concrete cylinders at its research facilities at Pinawa, Manitoba and Chalk River, Ontario. Eventually, it was reported, the waste would go into the (still non-existent) permanent underground waste repository. CCM took the position that the Province should not permit storage of SLOWPOKE 3 waste and that (it should) ". . . block the buildup of anything which tends to take us closer to a nuclear waste repository in Manitoba."
CCM considered that if AECL started bringing its foreign customers' SLOWPOKE 3 excrement back to Canada, it would be well on the road to the full-scale commercial international radioactive waste dump about which CCM had been warning the public for so many years.
According to the article, Provincial Environment Minister Gerard Lecuyer was surprised by this development and indicated that ". . his initial reaction was one of opposition."
CCM's interest in the SLOWPOKE 3 grew further as a result of another article in the Winnipeg Free Press on July 24, 1987, which reported AECL's Metro Dmytriw as saying that the Corporation had received an initial inquiry about the purchase of one from an interested party in Manitoba.
According to that article, Dmytriw also suggested that a SLOWPOKE 3 nuclear reactor might be a replacement for Winnipeg's aging central steam heating plant. The article pointed out that AECL had held no discussions with the city nor did city officials express any interest in the idea at the time.
Other groups had also been criticizing the SLOWPOKE 3. The Montreal Gazette, May 22, 1986, reported Norm Rubin of Energy Probe in Toronto as saying . . .(the idea is) "crazy." Rubin wondered how, in the event of an accident, a hospital or shopping mall could be evacuated, especially since the SLOWPOKE 3 would operate "unattended" for some periods of time.
The same Gazette article included similar concerns expressed by Gordon Edwards, President of the Montreal-based Canadian Coalition for Nuclear Responsibility. Both Rubin and Edwards pointed to the unsolved nuclear waste problem as a good reason for not proceeding with the development and marketing of the SLOWPOKE 3 nuclear reactor.
Aside from the waste, safety, and economic questions surrounding the SLOWPOKE 3, CCM expressed concern over reactor security. An unattended reactor operating in a small community or a building in a large city could present unparalleled opportunities for anyone who might want to steal high-level nuclear waste. (The design called for spent fuel rods to be stored within each reactor, until removed to some other location.)
Other possible acts might include sabotaging the untended reactors themselves, or pumping out the water (which becomes more radioactive as the reactor operates), into a municipal system. Unforeseen and unanticipated damage and acts of terrorism are a real possibility when one considers the many unstable political situations around the world.
Even large power reactors have their security problems. According to the October 2, 1987 Critical Mass Energy Project's newsletter, Public Citizen, in the US, "Dozens of security breaches occurred at nuclear plant sites in 1986. These include vandalism and sabotage directed at reactor operations; use of firearms on plant sites by unauthorized persons; and increasing drug use among nuclear workers." Also, some workers have been found, literally, asleep at the switch.
My personal involvement with the SLOWPOKE, became even more intense when my wife, Phyl, and I moved from Manitoba to Québec, in 1988.
We had just arrived at the home of friends in the town of Beebe, in the Eastern Townships of Québec. It was March 15, 1988, and we were on a house hunting expedition.
Somewhat tired from the day's journey, which included a six-hour long delayed flight from Winnipeg, and a long drive in a rented car through a heavy snow storm from Montréal, we looked forward to some relaxation and good conversation that evening.
Our friends, however, stood by quietly watching, as we stared incredulously at the March 14 edition of the Sherbrooke, Québec, Record, which was propped up on their dining table.
Plastered across the front page was a story about AECL's plan to construct and operate a ten megawatt SLOWPOKE ("Safe Low Energy Critical Experiment") nuclear reactor at the Centre hospitalier universitaire de Sherbrooke (CHUS), the large University Medical Centre located in Québec’s Eastern Townships.
I quickly scanned the story, which someone had leaked to the newspaper, revealing AECL's plan to build the reactor for the stated purpose of heating the hospital.
AECL was to own and operate it, and the hospital would pay the heating bill. Most importantly, the reactor, the first of its kind, was planned to serve as a demonstration based on the two megawatt version (which we knew was still nowhere near full power)at the Whiteshell Nuclear Research Establishment at Pinawa, Manitoba.
"I don't believe this," and "You've got to be kidding," were but a few (printable!) comments made by the two of us, as we read the lead article.
Our activities in Manitoba were well known to some of the environmental and peace activists in the Townships area. We had made contact with them during the 1985 controversy over a possible U.S. nuclear waste dump in northern Vermont, very close to the Canadian border.
When some of them heard that we were moving into the area, we were asked to join them in dealing with the new-to-Sherbrooke SLOWPOKE 3 issue.
Thus, a short time after our arrival into what we had hoped would surely be a relaxed new start in retirement life, Phyl and I were involved in strategy meetings with peace and ecology groups, a meeting with AECL and hospital officials, news conferences and media interviews.
It was as if we had never left Winnipeg.
Since my concern about the so-called SLOWPOKE 3 reactor had already started to grow over the past several years in Winnipeg, it seemed somehow appropriate to be involved in this new controversy.
The more I learned about the new mini-nuke, the less I liked it: It would use highly-enriched uranium which must be imported from other countries. It would create high-level radioactive waste, which would contain weapons usable plutonium. It would be marketed anywhere in the world. It would operate unattended for periods of time, leaving it vulnerable to those with malicious intent. Also, it would routinely emit radioactive gasses into the environment.
Yet, the plan now was to place such a machine in, of all places, a large teaching hospital, where, as is true of anything else designed by humans, accidents could, and did happen.
When Phyl and I finally moved from Winnipeg, we had put our belongings in storage as we continued to search for a house in the Eastern Townships. As it turned out, we did not find a house we liked before we sold our place in Winnipeg. So, we rented a furnished mobile home in a farming area near the town of Beebe.
We brought the essentials for living with us in our camper van which pulled our old 1960s'tent trailer from Winnipeg to the Townships.
However, I had packed one box of assorted files on nuclear waste issues in the tent trailer. Now, I am not especially a mystic, but it turned out that one of those files was full of papers on the SLOWPOKE reactor! It contained information which later proved to be very useful in shaping future events.
However, it now seemed as if our dream of "peace, quiet and contemplation" in the rolling hills of the Eastern Townships was not to be. [Our histories showed that we were probably never cut out for that kind of a life anyway!] For us, it would be the "Year of the SLOWPOKE."
The minutes of a February 16, 1988 meeting between AECL and the CHUS Hospital Board of Directors include an AECL quote that ". . . an appropriate strategy produces very little public reaction."
This time, however, AECL's "appropriate strategy" obviously did not take into account that someone(s) high up within the hospital's staff itself might have more than a few misgivings about the venture and would leak the information to the media.
The Townships Peace Group asked us to attend a May 2, 1988 meeting at the CHUS with hospital officials, AECL representatives, and persons concerned about the SLOWPOKE project.
We were already seated at the board room conference table when the AECL contingent arrived. Several AECL officials present from the Pinawa, Manitoba, Whiteshell Nuclear Research Establishment (WNRE), were visibly shaken when they saw us there. Of course, they did not know that we had very recently moved from Winnipeg to Québec. "What are you doing here?" asked one of them. "We live here." I retorted. I'll never forget the
astonished look on their faces.
The Robbins, former Concerned Citizens of Manitoba stalwarts, were probably the last two people they wanted to see that morning!
They were no doubt unhappy about the presence of others who also were at the meeting, including Gordon Edwards, well known nuclear critic from Montréal, and Max Krell, a local university professor, (and a very concerned nuclear physicist).
The hospital officials and AECL reminded me of a group of kids who had just got caught with their hands in the cookie jar. I imagine that they all realized at that moment, that their "appropriate strategy" might have just gone down the tube!
Although good manners were observed throughout, it became quite obvious that the citizens' representatives were not going to buy in on the proposal.
It did not take long for a coalition of peace and environmental groups and other concerned individuals to take shape in the Eastern Townships. The group used the same initials used by the hospital, i.e., the "Coalition CHUS" (Continue Hydro, not Uranium for our Safety, or, in French, Continuer l'Hydro non l'Uranium pour notre Sécurité.)
After the initial flurry of organizational and media activity, Phyl and I settled into a relatively benign role of "behind the scenes" support to the mostly French speaking coalition. But I had one more moment in the spotlight, which Phyl provided for me.
She had carefully reviewed the contents of the SLOWPOKE file that we had brought with us from Winnipeg, and had found an amazingly frank, and startling statement by John Hillborn, the inventor of the SLOWPOKE reactor, concerning the possibility of nuclear accidents.
In a June, 1981 paper he co-authored for the Second Annual Meeting of the Canadian Nuclear Society in Ottawa,(AECL document No. 7438), Hillborn said that, "It is now well known that people will accept frequent, small disasters more readily than rare catastrophes."
Airplane crashes were used as an example. The paper continued,
"Although we may have to endure the legacy of Three Mile Island for many years, a decentralized system of small reactors which effectively eliminates the possibility of a single big accident may have a significant advantage in licensing, insuring, and gaining public acceptance. Eventually the public may accept accidents to small reactors to the same extent that they accept fires, explosions, and airplane crashes, as long as the consequences are not obviously worse. It would be unrealistic however, to expect many communities to welcome nuclear reactors within their boundaries until there are severe regional shortages of gas and electricity."
On June 22, 1988, I read this statement, without comment, at the Coalition's first press conference. The media jumped on it. The following day the quote was used in the lead editorial in the Sherbrooke Record . Hilborn's statement became one of the Coalition's, and the media's favorite items. It was an excellent example of the fact that one of our most powerful weapons against AECL was its own prose.
I was not alone in finding Hilborn's statement to be a chilling one, with its assessment of public reaction to "small" nuclear catastrophes. The 1980s witnessed bitter and protracted conflict and public concern over radioactive spills from discarded medical equipment in scrap yards, radioactive soil in housing developments, radioactive materials dropping from space
satellites, and missing quantities of plutonium.
The fact that there is no safe level of radiation was understood by the public. Increasingly, evidence points to negative health effects from the most negligible levels of radiation. And the public has become aware of the consequences from nuclear radiation in whatever forms and amounts. Even the negative side of natural radiation has become more evident. There is nothing to suggest that the public will, in Hilborn's terms, easily accept "small" nuclear disasters.
Coalition CHUS continued to raise questions about the safety of the reactor. An exchange of correspondence between an official of Canada's Atomic Energy Control Board (AECB) and myself, revealed that the so-called "nuclear regulators" had no(!) safety information on the reactor. Their October 5, 1988 letter to me stated that "It is likely that the 10-mw reactor will be significantly different from the (2-mw) SDR." The letter also noted that "At this time the AECB does not have any detailed design information on the proposed 10-mw installation."
Not only was the 10-megawatt SLOWPOKE 3 an "experiment" in the true sense of the word, even its supposed prototype 2-mw version, at the WNRE, was still in its embryonic stages. AECB had reviewed that reactor and requested that AECL take a number of significant steps to improve its safety.
As the SLOWPOKE issue developed and the Coalition CHUS quickly grew during the Summer and Autumn of 1988, Phyl and I continued to provide it with advice, moral support, and assistance in developing letters and fact sheets
I was absolutely astounded at the energy and the effectiveness of the anti-SLOWPOKE coalition. Something was happening all the time. Meetings, mailings, radio and TV coverage, debates, button and t-shirts sales --- just about every legitimate, democratic, non-violent form of protest and expression was taking place.
By October, 1988, the movement had acquired a life of its own. There were so many media events, activities, and speakers' appearances going on that it was difficult just to keep track of them all.
As Coalition CHUS rapidly expanded, Phyl and I continued work in our behind the scenes role to supply information and ideas. For example, in one of her fact sheets Phyl included information about AECL's own stated policy of excluding pregnant women and small children from tours and open houses at the WNRE, which contained the 2 megawatt "prototype" of the SLOWPOKE.
Pregnant women and small children visit the CHUS medical centre every day for medical treatment. Would not a ten megawatt reactor at the hospital provide at least equal, if not greater risk? The point was not lost on the nurses at the hospital. Their union passed a unanimous resolution opposing the reactor, declaring it a public health risk.
By November, 1988, coalition support was estimated at twenty-five thousand, with almost ten organizations a week joining our forces. Much of the opposition came from the hospital staff itself. Politicians were falling over themselves to come onside.
The handwriting on the wall was writ large and clear. On December 20, 1988, we received the best Christmas present of all: the hospital Board of Directors announced its withdrawal from the SLOWPOKE project, a decision taken in spite of AECL's initial offer to absorb the five-to-seven million-dollar capital cost. Coalition CHUS had done its work well.
AECL folded its tents and left Sherbrooke. It had lost another round in its struggle to market its mini-nuke.
AECL's public relations and sales forces had again failed to convince any community that they had invented the perfect nuclear heating machine; one which they promoted as being inherently safe, and which would operate in the midst of a populated area without negative consequences, for at long as 30 years -- - even though the design of the reactor had not yet been finalized or approved!
Undaunted, the federal Crown Corporation continued to seek a location for a full-scale demonstration SLOWPOKE 3 to enhance the reactor's credibility in the eyes of potential foreign customers. But no one was buying. After two more failed attempts (one at a G.E. plant in Peterborough, Ontario, and another lengthy one at the University of Saskatchewan), the marketing project stalled.
A few years later, the two megawatt "prototype" at WNRE (which had never operated at full strength) was shut down. By November 1991, and forty-five million dollars later, the entire SLOWPOKE 3 project was consigned to oblivion.
In a 2007 article on “ Nuclear Smoke and Mirrors,” Jim Harding, a retired University of Regina, professor of environmental and justice studies commented on some of the Canadian reactor designs.
He wrote that “... the list of botched AECL designs is lengthy. There was the Organic Cooled Reactor in Manitoba, which was an expensive dead end. There was the Candu Boiling Light Water Reactor in Québec, which (without even including design costs) was a $126 million disaster. Then there was the Slowpoke Energy System, for which design work cost $45 million, which didn’t work properly. Next came the Candu-3, for which design work cost $75 million, which no one wanted. And the Candu-9, with design costs still secret, which was a no-go in South Korea. More recently AECL built the Maple Reactor at Chalk River, which threatens to become another technological and financial fiasco since the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission (CNSC) is refusing to even license it for operation”.
The moral of this story is that there is no such thing as an inherently safe nuclear reactor. Those who contemplate going down that road should carefully assess the lessons from the past. If they do so, they might very well choose other, more preferable alternatives.
Walt Robbins
The Great Canadian Nuclear Waste Saga
Sitting in the lounge room one night I contemplated on whether to message Max or not. The ex was fading more and more from my mind as days went on. All I have been thinking ever since Max left was whether he was ok and why he haven’t been messaging me like he had told me he would in the weeks leading to his departure. Why am I thinking about him? I felt so mixed up and confused but I blocked it out. I have never seen anything but photos of him and was not about to let anything happen between us. So why was I thinking about him? ‘It must be nothing’ I told myself. I remember promising *Tracey that I would never fall for *Max because she had feelings for him despite already being tied down by marriage.
I soon found out later that he had made a 180 degree turn and is pursuing his primary school crush, the girl that had been in love with him since she was twelve. I wasn’t hurt whatsoever but now have a different view on him and his intentions. Two weeks later I arrived in his and my old hometown, as planned. I mislead him and told him that I’ve changed my mind. He doesn’t seem to care, seeing that he now has a girlfriend, so why would he care to meet me? I remember that when we had begun talking he would tell me how much he wanted to meet me and had announced to all his friends that I was the one that he wants to be with him.
Stepping off the plane that night I was washed over with a shock wave of memories. Memories of the ex that I thought had long gone. As I stood there in the chilling air of my old hometown, my heart started to beat harder in my chest as the world seems to slow down around me. On the ride home back to my brother’s house, more and more thoughts raced through my mind. That night I lay awake and wrote down my feelings:
Random thoughts of a nocturnal, melodramatic, self diagnosed 'insomniac' @_@
Stepping down onto this world of ice from a flight through the dark clouds, the wind blew ever so gently by images that had long gone.
The pain and desire that once vividly accompanied those pictures are no longer there.
But like venom of a serpent, it seeps through my veins and threatens to intoxicate and bring me to my knees. This hollow place somehow thaws the memories that one tried so hard to freeze away, causing my being to shudder at the thought of falling back in.
In this land of broken promises, my heart fears the encounter of the one that enhances that very feeling, the one that broke me, the one that promised to never forget me but now forgot me.
Gone are the days where ones comfort zone guarantees no such sighting or retracing of such memories.
All that this bitter sweet winter land has to offer are the reopening of healing wounds.
---
I sent it to Max that morning to see if he could read between the lines and be known of my whereabouts. He was intrigued but thought nothing of it until I reminded him the next day. He seems to have no more interest whatsoever in keeping me as a friend, I thought. He was clueless of my underlying message so I told him. We ended up meeting that night. I remember the first moment I spotted him out from the crowed. He was facing the other way with the phone to his ear, I walked towards him, he turned around and our eyes met. ‘So this is the guy that helped me, my rock’ I thought to myself as I gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
My friend Paul and I ended up going back with Max to have a drink up at *Tracey’s house. He introduced me to his girlfriend and we hit it off right away. That night I’ve sworn that he still felt something for me, but at the same time unsure. But, I blocked it out because he is now with someone and I am growing to like her more and more as the night progressed. I ended up drinking too much and ended up chucking up and crying in the bathroom. The next thing I know I found myself being held by *Max. The pain I felt for the ex had came rushing back, that overwhelming hit by reality washed over me causing me to sob uncontrollably. Max had heard this and came in whilst others were unsure on what to do, he held me. At that moment I felt as though he could understand exactly what I was going through and came to help hold up the burden that’s within my heart. For that split second I’ve sworn that he had felt something for me as he held me. I will never forget that warm embrace. *Tracey came in and told him to go look after his girlfriend, *Betty, which had K.O’ed in the guest room. *Tracey then took the role of holding me and whispered something in my ear that shocked me “Have you fallen for Max?” I was shocked and quickly replied “NO”. How in the world could she ask me such a question? He is with someone and I’m clearly not over my ex….right? We all ended up crashing at Tracey’s house and that morning before he left he came and rubbed my head. He was sweet. BUT no, he has a girlfriend, so I must not fall for him. I’m not ready for anyone anytime soon at this point.
Days went by and we hung out more and more. I was getting mix signs from him but I would push them aside. He was only caring for me because he liked me as a sister I would tell myself and others. I was successful at blocking out those thoughts. Our ships have sailed and its better this way. It’s better to keep him as a friend…nothing more and nothing less.
A week later, *Ricky came into the picture. He is Max’s colleague and friend. He knew that *Max had previous liked me before *Betty, but because he felt that there was chemistry between us at *Ken’s birthday, so he asked *Max [twice], if it was alright to ask me out/date me. *Max’s answer was ‘yes, it’s ok’, and he started to help Ricky. This really made me believe that *Max felt nothing for me and so therefore I really thought about being with Ricky. He is a gentleman and is someone that will be able to take really good care of me, like when I was fully hammered at the party. He looked after me so much that it really moved me into believing that he and I could really work. But the more we hung out the more I felt that he and I should only be friends. He is undoubtedly a very sweet, caring, loving guy. So it is my lost that I do not pursue anything with him.
Over the course of my vacation, Max and I became closer and would muck around so much that it got Ricky and other people jealous of our closeness. It didn’t faze me because I felt inside that nothing will become of us. *Ricky became more jealous over time and would never ask *Max to come out with us, he’d also ask me to hang out on most of my days left in the hometown. *Max and I spent less time than I did with Ricky but the bond we felt were much stronger. He’d tease me and I’d run and smash the daylight out of him but still it never stopped him from teasing me.
*Betty asked me to stay back a week longer so that I will be able to attend her house warming party...
To be continued…
-Months after the ex moved on with another girl, all the while still telling me he love me-
Pressing the pillow into my face, I wept quietly, trying not to make a sound so that my parents would think that I am already asleep. I’ve been broken for so long and have been unable to control my emotions of late. The phone rang, I picked up and on the other end of the line was *Tracey. It had been years since I’ve spoken to her but it must have been Gods plan to have her call me on this day. I have never opened myself to her because normally her calls are just to vent about her problems. I have always been her rock, but on this forsaken day she was mine.
That night she called me again asking for permission to give my phone number to *Max. She claims that he went through what I did and might be able to help me find brighter days. I was skeptical but gave her permission. To my surprise, he messaged me the next morning (26th April 2009),“Good morning! My name is *Max and *Tracey and I are good friends, she told me abit about you but silly her she didn’t tell me your name? Please don’t feel that it troublesome if you want to talk about anything. I like to listen. Hope you feel abit better today :-)”. He called me that night and I was hesitant to pick up or telling him anything at all. Who would’ve thought over the next month or so he was to be my rock. He came into my life with a mission and accomplished it without fail. We messaged day and night and he would call me every so often when I'd break down to comfort me. He helped me move on from the ex and completely cut him out of my life (last spoken: 8th May 2009). He was there for me every step of the way and was my shoulder no matter the time of day. He made a mark in my life…
My heart was so weak but the more I talked to him the stronger I became. He was my knight in shining armor. As weeks went by I became aware of his feelings towards me. I became afraid, so afraid. There were times that I wanted to tell him to promise me he’d never fall for me. But as time went on he made his feelings known to me. I was not ready to open my heart again.
It was at this time that I had a dream about him and I. In the dream - we were walking along a path and he told me that he really like me and asked me for a chance. I turned to him and said I’m not ready to be with anyone because my heart is still bleeding. We head towards a shop and browsed around. He then walked up towards me and handed me a hello kitty Band-Aid. I told *Max about this dream and told him that I saw him only as a friend. I didn’t know what I really felt at this time because of the mixed emotions I have forthe ex and is more skeptical on if Max really has true feelings for me. I wasn’t ready to go back out on the battlefield.
A week or two flew by and *Max was going overseas. Three days before he left he made it known to me of his feelings once more. Again, I told him I was not ready and saw nothing of our relationship but just friendship, but he said that it doesn’t matter as long as I know how he felt and that it shall be a seed that will flourish over time. I accepted this and acknowledge him.
The next day things took a turn, when his primary school flame called him. That night he messaged me and said that he’s going out with his crush. I thought that he was trying to make me jealous so took no notice of this. The following night, the night before his trip, he went out with her again.
Days later whilst he was overseas – I messaged him but the response was not the same as before. At this point I was ready to move on and take a leap of fate with my soul mate where ever he may be, and made it known in the message. All he said is that he is happy for me and hope that I find someone that will treat me right. He wasn’t the same. I knew that he had moved on after putting all the pieces together.
I was happy for him but felt that I probably missed a bullet and that I was lucky to not have expressed anything towards him because he had moved on so quickly…
To be continued… =p
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