Stop Smoking @ MindSay 
So, here's what's going on with me.
I've been in an inexplicably ever-present, sarcastic cloud lately. I don't like not being my usually manic self. "It don't sit right with me, Lois!" *breathes*
I find myself at the inception of summer, being fiercly annoyed by cat callers and solicitors on the bus stop in the morning as I try to prepare myself mentally for the work day ahead. There is this stalkeresque guy who rides the same bus as I most mornings and stares- but never speaks. Whell, he finally got up the nerve to hand me a note saying, "I think you are very pretty, please call me." I guess in all his gawking he didn't bother to look at my ring finger. YA THINK?
Then there are the Latino men on my block with the libidos from Hell. Really, how many prostitutes you know wait on the bus stop holding a bus pass and a briefcase?!?! NONE!! So why, then, do they pull up, roll down the window and make stupid "ven aqui" faces at me? What, you think I'm gonna be all: "Oh, I was going to go to work so I can feed my kids, but since you pulled up, offered me money to sleep with you and did the eyebrow cha-cha...hey!"
Ev'ry morning the same shiite.
I guess I should stop complaining and be grateful that men find me attractive, huh...
Getthafugouttahea.
Woosah...
So, today is Gwensday (I started writing this on Monday) and I'm in better spirits. Guess I just needed to vent and relax. I haven't been able to quit smoking, somewhat much to my dismay, but I have to do one thing at a time. Besides, I rather enjoy it. I guess that's the point, huh. :(
This past weekend, I went to the salon down the street for a masage and facial ( Foe $50!! A steal!) and the lady gave me a Lipton diet green tea to drink afterwards, so add that to my list of new addictions. I'm really trying to be healthier, but I find a hard time being consistent. In the wake of the deaths of so many of my family members (most of which were not health related), there is a constsnt internal struggle between wanting to enjoy life as it come and wanting to improve...you know, so I can extend it. Da irony!!
Guess I have some more meditating/soul searching to do so I can figure out what the hell it is I really want, yah?
Any suggestions for a mantra?
So its been a while b4 i have posted anything on here.
Sorry, i just have been so busy with things that i couldnt stop my mind to write down anything here.
So for the record this is the 1 week mark where i can say i actually stopped smoking.
Everytime i think about smoking i result to drinking, but thats not really working cause i ended up spending just as much to get drunk .
At least i am trying.
So thanksgiving was good, ate the most i have in months.
I helped make the turkey, gravy, deviled eggs, and my brother taught me how to carve the turkey, IMPRESSIVE for a jerk like him.
So my brother has a friend named drew that he invited over.
Whoa!
Fine piece of ass if i might say.
But the day b4 my parents and i had an argument and mike pissed me off that all started cause i had an interview at toys r us and they said i didnt get the job.
So whatever about that.
So i made an appointment to get a physical to start beauty school on monday which is 1 week from that.
cut it close or what.
So then i got a call a little later from..... JcPennys asking if i can go to an interview on tuesday.
I am totally syked! Finally a job that wasnt hiring, near my school and somewhere i know a lot about!!!!!!!!!
yeah!!!!
So i really hope i get the joba nd i hope there is no problem bout piercings.
anyways i cant wait, which means if i get this job i will finally have my life back on track.
And maybe if i can keep this job then i can work in the hair section of Jcpennys!
You are always arguing with me. Always and only seeing your side of the argument. Why can't you see where I'm coming from? All you have to do is listen to me. Why have I gotten so attached to you? God damn it!!! You of all people should know I like you. You should know that I have feelings for you. If I didn't.... would I be saying this right now? Would I be so worried every single time you say you're smoking, or drinking or losing your money on gambling?
I have known my share of smokers, and I have dealt with them personaly...For crying out loud my sister in law was a smoker, she's only a year older than you actually. You remember how relieved I was when she quit, I told you about it. What did you tell me in return...? that you are lighting a cigarrette right now. And maybe you didnt know but I was trully happy that you got the job at the cancer society, cause you said it meant no more smoking, but that didnt stop you, since you're still doing it. You say "destroy your body now, restore it later" Why? I dont need to destroy my body more than it already has been . I lived in Minsk, you of all people should know its close to Chernobyl. You should know the kind of pollution that is there, in the air, in everything. I lived there for 11 years. I have a chronic condition where I can't eat food that is too spicy. Only after several years of living in America has it gone away, and it doesn't bother me anymore. What's the point of destroying your body if it's not gonna do anybody any good, and you as well.
Maybe I am missing what you are trying to tell me. But maybe I am not. You know that what you are doing is bad for you. Why do you do it then? You know that i care and you still do it... You say you're gonna stop at 29 . What can I say to that. Good for you. I'm glad. I wish you could stop earlier, but I think that it's pointless talking about this now.
You told me that the things I'm telling you are the things that America says... I don't care if they are or if they are not. I dont follow them I follow what my heart and mind tells me. I dont watch MTV, and I don't care what they say is right and what they say is wrong, I am old enough to figure out for myself what I feel is right and wrong. And the things that I'm saying are coming from my heart, not from the general population of America.
You think I'm an 18 year old "kid" who is still too young to understand life. You made a remark not that long ago about feeling like this is 3rd grade. Tell me... What about this situation reminds you of the 3rd grade? The fact that an 18 year old likes someone who is 24? This isn't 3rd grade. These are feelings that I have, and I know they are real, I'm sorry if this is bothering you so much. You don't want to meet me, or are apprehensive about meeting somebody from online. I can't prove that I am who I say I am. And there is nothing I can do to make you believe me. The only proof that I have are my words, and it's up to you to listen to them or not.
When melissa sent you a message that first time. Do you know why? Because I was telling her about you... and how you were saying "someday...". I'm not pressuring you into meeting me it's not that important to me, but I want to and I need to know what you think or feel for me. You asked me if you were hurting me, what did I say? I said "no" But I'm not so sure. If i didn't care I wouldn't be thinking or writing about it right now. If I didn't care i wouldn't be taking the words that you say so personaly... I would just brush them off. But I didn't, I value your opinion. I don't know if you can say the same for me. As far as I have noticed... you dont. You're not listening to me. You didn't change. I'm not even asking you to change, I'm just asking you to respect me, and what I say. This is what hurts the most. The fact that I feel you don't take me seriously. Oh how I wish you did. But I can't make you do anything. I don't think I'm even going to try anymore, what's the point? If I'm just gonna be hurt in the end.
I know i'm saying it now, but i know deep down, that I will still care. I can't stop carrying, I wont... maybe that's the gemini nature huh? Or maybe... Like you told me the one time I overanalyze everything as well? I hope not.
Why did we start arguing about life that time...? I believe I said something about your football. I'm sorry if it offended you, I didn't mean to. But that was not the point of the argument. You started telling me to live outside the box. To do whatever I want whenever I want. I get the feeling that you think I'm somebody who doesnt know how to have fun, or "live outside the box". I try to do as many things as possible, with my friends. And just with people in general. But you have to realize something, at my age I can't be as independent as you, and you say you started at my age, maybe I don't have as much ambition as you. You should know though what would happened if I tried to do like you are telling me. I would end up in tears, after an argument with my parents, and then I would call melissa crying. I have to go everyday hearing remarks from my parents, about the kind of life style that I have. Before I wouldn't tolerate it and I would argue with them and just waste my energy on trying to prove my point, but now I'm ignoring them, I don't pay attention to them. And it hurts me. But I don't want to let them affect me again. What did you say to me yesterday, about the three fun things in life? gambling... drinking... smoking... and then you also asked me if I did any of them... I said I drink, but not excessivly. Drinking is not a necessity for my life, and it doesn't necessarly make me feel happy, or anything, gambling... there is nothing i can say to that. I have nothing against, for all I know it sounds fun, but in moderate amounts, kinda like drinking. And as for smoking u know where I stand, I don't need to say anymore about it.
Anyways... I don't feel like talking about - how should we call it "the fight" haha. That was the first time we argued, and I hope that we wont have to again. I think I have said everything I wanted to though, in this fairly long letter. I really didnt expect it to be that long, but I guess these thoughts have been on my mind for a while, I just hope that you will understand me... Please understand me.
~Love Alisa
I wrote this after that night when we argued but i never had the guts to actually send it to u. But i want to know why u arent talking to me. i honestly dont see any reason for it, i mean u said u've been going out quite a lot... that i understand, but u could at least reply to my messages, and act like i exist, and not just ignore me. in any case i just want to know the truth. i know its not cause u've been going out so much. and i noticed that one of my friends added u... shes the girl in the green dress in one of her pictures, im just wondering if she said something to u... she has a tendency to mess with my life and ruin what "relationships" i have with people,
anyways, i hope that u will answer me, that is all i ask, just a response thats all.
hope to hear form u soon
~Love Alisa
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Chuckie Boy
Date: Sep 29, 2005 10:55 AM
WOW.. Relax lady.. I do like you, but keep in mind we have never met. This has nothing to do with drinking, smoking, etc... U live in Palatine, I live in Chicago. My first few months here I lived on the computer. I am hanging out with old friends a lot more and not on the computer as much. I have been going to Cubs, bears, and this weekend a Michigan State game. I am not mad at you at all, but can't give the same amount of attention that was there before. Its nothing you have said or done! Get that through your head. I am just not around as much. We will talk soon, stay in school!! Talk to you soon
Charlie
"WOW" ok,
i knew it, i fucking overreacted, haha.
although im not sure what the distance has to do with anything.
and i understand that u've been going out a lot, but the thing that bugs me is not the fact that ure not talking to me even, it just seemed like u were ignoring me. idk.
just forget this whole thing.
and yeah... im staying in school... lol, although its really boooring, and my math class got cancelled for today.
hmmm
well.
have fun at the game this weekend.
~Love Alisa
so he effing responded finally.
except that now although melissa will kill me when she reads this i feel like a retard, yep.
like i said i knew i overreacted, and i shouldnt have sent him the damn letter. but at least i gpt my feelings out. i just dont know if i'll be able to talk to him the same. seeing as the letter really had nothing to do with what was going on. wow
i really screwed up.
melissa says i shouldnt talk to him, but... i mean if u think about it, its sorta my fault, and was the one that overreacted and started this whole thing. so now he prolly thinks im a total weirdo.
oh well.
im glad i didnt call him that would have been mucho embarassing, lol
i frankly though dont care, w/e happened happened, i cant go back and change it, but all we can do is go forward and forget it and put it behind us.
which is what i hope he will do, and hopefully i can do the same.
beijo ciao ;)
Love Alisa