Stigma @ MindSay

It's a funny thing that happened, one day I was as healthy as a horse, so to speak. The next I was in bed for several weeks awaiting surgery. It all started with a pain in my side I assumed was a simple gall bladder attack. For the most part so did the ER Doc's until an untrasound revealed a "cyst" on my ovary. I was sent home with some mighty potent drugs to let the cyst break as they usually do. Several days later I was back with worsening pain, this time ther was a "mass" that was large and twisting around my ovary. Again I am sent home awaiting test results and with some mightier pain killers.

Eventually I ended up in surgery, no cancer, but some twisted tubes and a few organs removed. It was definitely an experience; from the uncertainty of what was wrong, to the fear of cancer, to the anxiety of surgery and more results, the frustration of hospitalization, and the recovery.

For me the worst part is always the hospitalization.Being a nurse makes it difficult, knowing how things can and should flow, versus the way they do. In this case I had a problem with only one nurse who was one of the least comapassionate people I have met. All of the others had a good understanding of my high level of pain (it took 2 days to get my pain meds right), and how I needed to co-ordinate my movement to chairs, showers etc. with my meds. However this one individual must have had her own unbreakable schedule and I she was assigned to me on the second day, when I was also thrown into menopause. I wasn't exactly in my normal free-wheeling place and when I am so sick I am not the usual assertive person I am in real life.Strange how when one is ill so much of who one is changes. It is difficult to be so dependent. She was tough to cope with for 12 hours, but it was over and she was gone.

I have thought a lot about her since. How sad it is to work on a women's surgery floor, and be a woman, yet not be able to either have empathy for a patients pain, or be so entrenched in one's own way/schedule that allowance can't be made for comfort and care of one's patient. I have not yet done anything about the event but I will write the unit with my concerns soon. Hopefully it will affect some slight change for the better.

Thankfully I have been meditating for a long time now. I was able to help myself with the pain by using it and my breathing to help me deal with what felt so overwhelming. As I now return to health I have used my contemplative meditation to look at the lesson in all of my experience.

I have looked very hard at myself and my own compassion. I have changed jobs and am now working in the Emergency Department doing Psychiatric Assessments of people in crisis, having psychotic episodes, or other such serious mental health issues. Now more than ever I am in a place where full compassion is needed, and where only a cool head, quiet voice, and deep understanding will prevail. My experience as patient is first in my mind as I deal with the helplessness felt by most everyone that has to walk through these doors.

I accepted the new job when it was actually offered to me while I was in the ER. Maybe without a body full of morphine I may have thought better of the whole deal. However I do believe my path was placed in front of me just at a time I needed it most, all I had to do was follow it, so here I am.

I am enjoying the job a great deal, and while the pace is faster, the stress is actually less. I don't have to carry a caseload, therefore do not hold onto the pain and suffering of long term addictions/mental health clients. For now this is a good place to be as I complete my own process of healing. I also see major opportunities to teach colleagues about the stigma of mental health. There seems to be more here in the ER than in any other place I have been in a long time. SO yes, I'm probably exactly where I need to be.

Namaste'

Heather

Alright, here we go. I felt really weird this weekend cause I was at Justin's apartment and he didn't have any internet. I went one whole day without logging on mindsay or aim or msn.... and I have concluded that I am indeed sick for caring this much about the internet.

Anyways, Saturday night I put my hair in braided pig tails, which Justin apparently enjoyed very much for some reason. Then he put a pair of oversized pink sunglasses on me and decided that it would be cool to take a billion pictures of me with them on. Basically I had my very first photo shoot, and it was every bit as weird as I had imagined it would be. Towards the end of the session Justin decided it would be neat if he took some tasteful, yet topless pictures of me.

Note: I am so sorry if you now have a weird visual of me without a shirt on. I'm soooooo sorry, seriously. If you people ever see me in person, you have the right to hit me. I give you permission.

But this brings me to the point of my entry. Why is it wrong for women to walk around without a shirt on, yet guys can do it all the time? I have often pondered this question, but until just now I never really cared enough about it. I always thought, "Well... that's just the way it is here in America. There is a social stigma against boobies."

I actually read a fellow (male) bloggers network profile, and it said that he has started taking pics of himself without his shirt on. I thought to myself, "big deal," but then I realized, when Justin wanted to take a picture of me without a shirt on I felt really dirty. It seemed wrong. But really.... its the same thing as if I saw Justin or this other blogger took a picture of himself without his shirt on. It's not weird for men!

Here are a few possible reasons as to why it is wrong for women to show their breasts: (these are just possible reasons why I view it as wrong. Eventually I am going to disprove every single question I come up with. If anyone else can come up with a reason why showing boobs is wrong please let me know, I'll try to refute your reason as well) (Oh, the reasons and responses will be labeled Q and A. I realize that I am not actually asking questions or giving answers, but putting R and R makes no sense)

-Q: Women have boobs, men don't have boobs, and therefore, women should not show their boobs. *grunt*

-A: I have seen many men with boobs walk around in public. It may be a little gross, but there is nothing wrong with it.

-Q: Men view boobs as a sex symbol. If women walked around with their shirts off all day then men would get no work done. They would be too distracted by boobies and boners.

-A: I'm sorry; a guy with a nice chest gets my attention too. Just because men are weak and simple minded does not mean women should have to be restricted for it. If anything, now that I think about this, I am surprised that the feminists haven't lobbied for more boobies everywhere. The result would be that men would become so distracted that they would perform poorly at their jobs and women would automatically rise up and rule the world.

-Q: Babies suck on women's breasts. This makes them pure. They should not be flaunted.

-A: Idk... this is just a dumb example. It kinda ties into a whole religious thing for me surrounding breasts....however; I don't think God ever said, "Thou shalt not show your titties." Enough said.

-Q: Women should not walk in public without shirts on because then their boobs will sag from lack of proper support.

-A: This is the only reason I can possibly find valid. That is, as long as a woman doesn't want her boobs to look like an Ethiopian woman on discovery channel.

Alright, I think I'm done for now. I have two different chemistry exams on Wednesday and I haven't studied nearly enough for them. So, I think I might die. I'll be back on mindsay, uh... around next week.

And yes, I do get my lovin' on the run.  Or, just not at all.  Gods damn it.  Okay, I often enjoy myself a nice long toke, and by gods, I should be able to enjoy a nice long toke whenever and wherever I want.  Ya know why they government won't legalize it?  It'd put a fuckload of drug companies out of business.  When I was so sick a couple of weeks ago, the only thing I could do to aleviate the pain was smoke some pot.  It's a long-known medical truth.  Montel tokes up every day.  He's a real burnout.  Definitely looks like all of his brain cells are gone.  Yes, smoking pot kills brain cells, but so does smoking cigarettes, holding your breath, breathing too slowly, running a marathon...etc.  Have you ever had some really killer menstrual cramps?  My gods, I have.  See, I have these ovarian cysts that make my life a living hell once a month.  That shit hurts.  Eight hundred-milligram ibuprofen won't touch this shit.  I'm talkin' the big ones, too.  I smoke some pot when I physically hurt.  It helps.  I'd tried everything else.  Everything over the counter.  Nothing helped, until I indulged in some illegal weed.  Maybe you've never smoked pot, or maybe you have, but it's not like an alcohol buzz.  My reflexes don't dull, my judgement doesn't disappear, none of these fucking bullshit rumors the government and the media feed us are true.  The only thing bad about smoking pot is that it's illegal.

Did you ever see that commercial when you were a kid?  It's been years and years ago, but it was a public service announcement-type thing and it had different people telling what they wanted to be when they grew up.  It probably had like, a dancer, an accountant, and something else, and then at the end, you see this scraggly-looking dude on the street in a beanie and he says "I want to be a junkie when I grow up."  Well, if that asshole wants to spend his hard begged money on crack or coke or heroin or whatever, then I don't give a shit.  As long as he doesn't bother me with it, and most "junkies" aren't gonna come around.  They don't bother people.  They're just like you and me, only they do drugs.  If you wouldn't even know that they use drugs, why do you care?  I can promise you, too, that way more people will die this year getting hit by drunk drivers than from smoking pot, or whatever the drug of choice is.  Junkies don't always look like a scraggly homeless dude, either.  They're the fucking people that you meet each day.  Honest.  They're your preachers, doctors, lawyers, judges, attorneys, garbage men, hotel maids, waitresses, cops, prostitutes...etc.  They're not the dredges of society like you picture them.  Sure, as many as most of them are the dredges of society, but I'm not impressed by the majority of the members of this society anyway.

Check out some other entries I wrote before I discovered the beauty of mindsay:  http://ophoria.myblogsite.com/blog