Steelers @ MindSay

I hate it when things in my life are just mediocre.  What is the point in the events at all if they aren't going to mean anything of any great significance to me?  Why just go through the motions of living without any real meaning and purpose behind all of it?

This week has been interesting… kind of bad, but I've learned, at least, and it ended well.

School was pretty rough.  That's what you get, I supposed, when you have a week off and then you come back.  I had to actually do work in Calculus before our test on Wednesday, which I was definitely freaking out about (but I felt much better after taking it), and then there was the problem set in Chemistry that nearly beat me up (over three hours from three good brains were put into it Thursday night).

Then there was my personal life.  Not such a great week, I guess.  Things were going very, very well (in my opinion, anyway) before the break.  Then it was rough when I went back to school.  Nothing felt right, it was all weird, and I felt helpless because I wanted to fix it but didn't know how.  Luckily, that's all over now… thanks to a very nice phone call I received Friday afternoon =D.

But I was definitely bummed most of the week.  Everything just felt out of sync.  Like the Elizabethans believed... top down.. the universe was just out of order, causing massive catastrophe every where.  And then there was the Machiavellian deal… The Prince.  Hell yes.  Oh yeah, we're studying King Lear in English.  Shakespeare is absolutely a genius.  I have enjoyed it so far, which is unusual for me because it's meant that I've done homework. 

Psychology class has been spent discussing sex for the majority of the week.  That's been, um… interesting.

Then I had all-county, and the Veteran's Day parade.  The parade, I believe, violated my 8^th amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment.  My ankle was killing me.  I supposed that's what happens when you aggravate previously torn tendons and sprained ligaments… one downfall to gymnastics. 

I got a lesson in humility this weekend, too… yup, I had to stand at the door of Reynolds Auditorium with a basket, asking people to donate money to the band program to make up for the debt from the Dallas Brass clinic/concert.  At least I was able to get a 20 from my dad, and another one from Mr. Green as well.  I just realized the irony of his last name and the fact that I was just talking about him contributing money (think greenbacks… maybe I was the only one to make that connection).

Anyway, I was kind of restless last night… was a bit worried about something.  This morning, I went to church, then I've spent the majority of the afternoon cleaning and doing homework, my two favorite things to do.  Oh yeah, and I made brownies, for the antioxidants, of course.

I'm pretty tired, but I've still got lots to do this evening.  I wonder how much of it I will actually get around to.  Whoever thought that a two day school week could possibly be productive was obviously an old person who was so senile he'd forgotten what it was like to be a high school. 

The Steelers, I am proud to announce, won their game today!  Sure, it was only against Cleveland, but a win's a win, and it was a come-from-behind win, too.  Ben played the second half almost like he hadn't driven that motorcycle into a truck.

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Anyway, I guess I'm not sure where I want to go in my life.  I'm kind of just feeling out my options right now, in a good way, I think.  I realized a lot this week.  I realized that some things are more important to me than I was previously willing to admit.  I realized where my priorities lie.  I realized that there are some things I know I want to keep around in my life.

I wish could still feel that first "I love you"…. "forever, for all of eternity… our souls are intertwined"… is it still true?  If I could ask you now, would you still mean it?  'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is a load of bullshit.  I learned that this year in psychology, and I learned it again this week.  It's been a long time since we've spoken.  Pilot Mountain.  Yeah, that was the last fucking time I heard your live voice.  I just couldn't stop the tears that day.  What got me the most was hearing that your fleece pullover had been lost in the fire… and you had wanted to give it to me.  God, I could be so stupid back then.  I feel like my literal heart went up in flames when I learned the fate of "The World of Courtney."  I knew long before you ever said it, but when you told me, it started a fresh wave of tears.  Intuition guided me, I guess.  I don't give myself enough credit sometimes, I believe, because I don't want to believe what I already know.

Is it good that I still miss you?  In some ways, I am furious with you.  I have such an intense anger inside of me that it's nearly turned to hatred.  Yet I think my emotions are only so strong because of just how much I believed in you.  I believed in you, and you were my entire world.  I'd have done anything for you.  Did you let me down?  Or did it all fall apart?  Or was it all simply fate and beyond either of our controls?  I don't know that the answer matters, but trying to find some type of closure tears me apart every time such thoughts surface.

I don't want what we once had.  That's over for me.  It has to be over for me.  It was beautiful to me, and I love you.  I still love you.  And I think I want to see you again.  But not like you may wish for.  Too much has transpired.  I will never stopping caring for all that you are, but I'm never going back to what we once had.  You can't change my mind anymore.  At one time, you probably could have, but not lately.  Not since I watched a classic movie or spent a freezing evening wondering what made a building glow red.  That is what we lacked, that fundamental, indescribably element of compatibility that so many people would kill for.  I felt at home with you, but maybe not really at home. 

I'm not slighting what we shared.  I'm simply saying that I'm going to leave it in the past.

You know, it's ironic to me now how much you dreamed of space… the moon, stars, planets, other galaxies… space shuttles could captivate your attention for weeks.  Yet it was a dream you could never achieve.  Always elusive for you.  I dreamed, too.  Yet it was real for me, and I think that scared you.  Maybe my ways have changed now, but the funny thing is that I know someone it could be real for.  And I care about him a lot.  I felt like giving up on my dream because it was so connected to everything we'd shared.  But it's real for me again.  It's not instilled in my brain and heart the same way it once was.  I think the fire and the passion are pretty dim.  But it's lingering, and that's what matters.

I think I want to major in philosophy… and possibly religion.  They fascinate me.

But I'd love to be a lawyer.

"Sweet dreams and flyin' machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain."

James Taylor is fabulous.

My family went to Bank of America Stadium yesterday and got to see the Steelers take down the Panthers.  It was a fantastic game.  I was a little sad that my family got mad at me for cheering for the Steelers, and I wish Troy wasn't injured, but other than that, the experience was wonderful and I had a fantastic time.  I took a bunch of pictures so I'll have to post some of them sometime.

Today in school I nearly went crazy.  It was such a Monday.  Oh well, what can you do?  I recorded an oboe piece with Dr. Ellis after school.  Now I'm just glad all that's over.  And tomorrow I'm missing my first 5 classes to play Christmas carols (on mellophone).  It just sucks that I have to make up two tests and a quiz... all before the break.  Wednesday's not going to be so pleasant but I'll get it done.

I think I might go study for psychology because there's a test in there tomorrow, too... or else I'll get distracted on my way up there.  Peace!

Just wanted to add my Pittsburghese attitude after taking velvetdreams 'How Pittsburgh Are You' Quiz.  Of course I scored 100%; I am from Picksburg! 

Spent my childhood, teenage years and young adult life in Mt. Whooshngton and Sahside. My playground was Dahntahn. I was one of the few Sahsiders who swam in the Mon whenever we couldn't get the firehydratrants turned on. Sahsider train jumper and barge climber. Always dressed in blk-n-gold for Stiller Games; Penz and Pirates too. Even remember riding the trollys and taking the Incline was a way to work and not a tourist attraction. You can still get chipped ham & Sarris Candy at Jine Igl's. The Pittsburghese dialect is all in fun and Pittsburgher's are cashing in on it.

It is a reformed city without the stillmills pallutting the air. Pittsburgh is the City of Champions/Most Liveable City & City of Bridges with Three Rivers (Mon., Alleg., Ohio & let'snot forget that 4th River underneigh Dahntahn); all this comes together at 'The Point' - Dahntahn; where you can catch freezbie and swim in the fountan or hitch rides for boating and water-skiing and catch concerts in the park and let's not forget the way to 'Three Rivers' (Heinz Field).

It was nothing for me to walk from Mt. Whooshngton to Dahntahn then to Sahside and back to Mt.Whooshngton in one day! If you were low on money for the incline and trolly (now the "T"- subway) you hiked it as a kid/young adult working Dahntahn. Pittsburgh always will remain in my heart; even though I live 20 mins. south of Pittsburgh (paying 1% real estate tax instead of 6%) and I stopped talking Pittsburghese a long time ago.  It's all in fun now.

Check out these great views of the City: www.pittsburghskyline.com/content/2007/06/05/pittsburgh-may-2007 and see the 'Front Door' to Pittsburgh thru Fort Pitt Tunnel  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JsFbaD0rQ (copy & paste if you need to)

I can resist no longer ... this is a football town and we do love our stillers!

hmmm ... but can we take out Brady & boyz?

~ B