fuzzycookie1 (10:11:47 PM): hello
j (10:11:51 PM): heya
Auto Response from fuzzycookie1 (10:11:50 PM): It's not the way you smile that touched my heart.
It's not the way you kiss that tears me apart.
Many, many, many nights go by
I sit alone at home and cry over you.
What can I do?
Don't want nobody, nobody
Cuz baby it's you
Baby it's you
fuzzycookie1 (10:11:59 PM): w00t! the sound is working on the computer!
fuzzycookie1 (10:12:00 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:12:15 PM): how're u?
j (10:12:41 PM): i'm doin' all right
j (10:12:44 PM): kinda bored, urself?
fuzzycookie1 (10:12:54 PM): same i guess
fuzzycookie1 (10:13:13 PM): are most of ur friends still not back yet?
j (10:13:31 PM): ya
j (10:13:36 PM): 2 weeks from now
j (10:13:37 PM): oi!
fuzzycookie1 (10:13:42 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:13:52 PM): well i repeat, at least some of ur friends are around
fuzzycookie1 (10:13:59 PM): its better than having none at all like me
fuzzycookie1 (10:14:09 PM): all i have is harry potter, n being 20 i think that's kinda sad
fuzzycookie1 (10:14:10 PM): lol
j (10:14:18 PM): meh, not so bad
j (10:14:28 PM): potter is quite good if u haven't read it b4
fuzzycookie1 (10:14:34 PM): n i haven't, lol
j (10:14:37 PM): i should go to the bloody library
j (10:14:40 PM): oi
j (10:14:49 PM): i keep kinda thinking about doing it
j (10:14:57 PM): and gah! i was right next to it today
j (10:14:58 PM): bleg
fuzzycookie1 (10:15:07 PM): but i'm more than half way thro book 6 n after that i'm gonna take a break from reading, watch some movies, n then get back to it
fuzzycookie1 (10:15:30 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:15:35 PM): what do u wanna check out?
j (10:15:39 PM): i dunno
fuzzycookie1 (10:16:30 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:16:46 PM): i think u should look into the Sin City graphic novels, but i think everyone should, hehe
j (10:17:15 PM): lol
j (10:17:29 PM): well i was thinking more sci-fi novel or soemthing
fuzzycookie1 (10:17:51 PM): that's cool
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:09 PM): i used to be really into sci-fi books, but i kinda stopped reading in hs
j (10:18:17 PM): well i need a book book
j (10:18:22 PM): not a graphic novel
j (10:18:31 PM): err dare i say comic book
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:31 PM): i did used to read book books :P
j (10:18:32 PM): heh
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:37 PM): its not a comic book!
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:38 PM): lol
j (10:18:41 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:42 PM): there's a difference!
j (10:18:43 PM): of course not!
fuzzycookie1 (10:18:52 PM): JTHM, those are comic books
fuzzycookie1 (10:19:20 PM): Sin City and those Vampire ones i'm blanking on the name of right now are graphic novels
fuzzycookie1 (10:19:21 PM): hehe
fuzzycookie1 (10:20:28 PM): 30 Days of Night, that's what they're called!
fuzzycookie1 (10:20:29 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:21:46 PM): how was ur weekend?
j (10:23:44 PM): meh, ok
j (10:23:58 PM): urs/
j (10:23:59 PM): ?
fuzzycookie1 (10:24:16 PM): same i guess
fuzzycookie1 (10:24:27 PM): friday was really disappointing but not surprising
j (10:24:36 PM): ?
fuzzycookie1 (10:24:41 PM): lol
j (10:24:45 PM): what was dissapointing aboot it?
fuzzycookie1 (10:24:52 PM): reanna flaked on me
j (10:24:58 PM): o hum ic
j (10:25:07 PM): wait, was she to come down, or r u back in humboldt?
fuzzycookie1 (10:25:09 PM): n as soon as i called her n she said our friend Zach was in town i knew she would
fuzzycookie1 (10:25:20 PM): she drove here, picked me up, n we went back to berekely
fuzzycookie1 (10:25:21 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (10:25:52 PM): she's actually living w/ her best friend on Ashby a couple blocks down from where carly lives
j (10:26:00 PM): ahh ic cool
fuzzycookie1 (10:26:20 PM): yeah, but she flaked n i was pissed n i was having a shitty day to begin w/ n e way so that just made things worse
fuzzycookie1 (10:26:54 PM): but then zach called me at 2:30am cuz he left berekely cuz of drama n blah blah blah, but it was kinda nice cuz i got to vent out some frustration
fuzzycookie1 (10:27:07 PM): u seem to be the type of person who's always had friends
fuzzycookie1 (10:27:16 PM): is it normal to get uber pissed at them from time to time?
fuzzycookie1 (10:28:16 PM): i'm not kidding, i really don't know the answer to this question
j (10:29:16 PM): well ya, i dunno
j (10:29:24 PM): flakes generally aren't my friends for long
fuzzycookie1 (10:29:30 PM): me either
j (10:29:32 PM): some peeps are just like that
fuzzycookie1 (10:29:36 PM): hence why i don't have n e friends
j (10:29:40 PM): so that is totally valid to get pissed at them for
fuzzycookie1 (10:29:53 PM): but is it normal to get pissed at them for other things, too?
j (10:29:55 PM): but i think friends are friends, ur not in a relationship with the,
j (10:30:09 PM): they aren't peeps i get pissed at generally
fuzzycookie1 (10:30:42 PM): hun, u have to remember that i've never really had friends in 20 years, i have no idea what i'm doing
fuzzycookie1 (10:30:53 PM): hmm, ok, i guess that makes sense
fuzzycookie1 (10:32:21 PM): but i mean, do u sometimes just wanna strangle ur closest friends? because they don't wanna admit where they're wrong or have a problem or something like that?
fuzzycookie1 (10:32:35 PM): or cuz they make really shitty choices no matter what u do?
fuzzycookie1 (10:32:44 PM): or am i just damned to have those kind of ppl in my life forever?
j (10:32:53 PM): meh, not rly, heh, i dunno, i dun get mad at peeps easy
j (10:33:04 PM): i think it's all what u make of it, not who the other peeps are
fuzzycookie1 (10:33:17 PM): what do u mean?
j (10:33:55 PM): regardless of who the peeps are, they are going to want to hang with u, or not, depending on who u r
j (10:33:57 PM): not who they are
j (10:34:19 PM): sure there are those flakes
j (10:34:22 PM): and those assholes
j (10:34:45 PM): but avoid them, and u'll come upon some firends, and plz, rianna and u are friends, dun give me the, I haven't had n e friends my whole life shit
j (10:34:55 PM): and u have had plenty of other friends
fuzzycookie1 (10:35:19 PM): ok, i mean except ppl in this past year
fuzzycookie1 (10:35:25 PM): i really don't know what i'm doing
fuzzycookie1 (10:35:42 PM): n for a while me n reanna weren't speaking to each other, but then again for a while she wasn't speaking to n e body that wasn't ryan
fuzzycookie1 (10:36:16 PM): how do u know that i've had plenty of other friends excluding ppl from this past year?
fuzzycookie1 (10:37:49 PM): there is a big difference between "friends" and "friendly aquantances" too
j (10:41:11 PM): w/e
fuzzycookie1 (10:41:25 PM): what do u mean by that?
j (10:41:44 PM): i mean ur being a drama queen, I have no friends life sucks
j (10:41:46 PM): bleg
fuzzycookie1 (10:42:01 PM): excuse me?
fuzzycookie1 (10:42:07 PM): u asked what was dissapointing, didn't u?
j (10:42:53 PM): yasry
fuzzycookie1 (10:43:04 PM): n i tried to ask u for advice cuz i feel like shit everytime i get pissed off at the friends i do have now cuz i've always figured friendship isn't supposed to be like this, didn't i?
fuzzycookie1 (10:43:21 PM): n u've always had friends, haven't u? so u have no idea what its like to be this lonely
fuzzycookie1 (10:45:24 PM): so don't tell me i'm being a drama queen and don't complain that me elaborating on my disappointing weekend, which YOU asked about, is being a drama queen either when YOU obviously have no idea where i'm coming from
fuzzycookie1 (10:45:31 PM): i've already told u that i'm suicidal when i'm here
fuzzycookie1 (10:45:54 PM): if u don't wish to hear more about it and only want to lecture me about how i shouldn't be complaining then u shouldn't be asking
fuzzycookie1 (10:46:16 PM): why did u ask me why i'm suicidal n e way? were u just curious?
j (10:47:39 PM): i have a good idea what it is to be lonely
fuzzycookie1 (10:47:41 PM): look, i'm sorry, i just think its rather rude of u to ask me questions and then complain about my answers
fuzzycookie1 (10:47:46 PM): i'm sure u do
fuzzycookie1 (10:47:53 PM): everyone knows what its like to be lonely
fuzzycookie1 (10:48:09 PM): but do u really know what its like to have no one?
fuzzycookie1 (10:48:53 PM): i told u, i don't see the point in bullshitting u n pretending i'm happy n e more
fuzzycookie1 (10:49:02 PM): n a week ago u were like, "that's good to admit"
fuzzycookie1 (10:49:07 PM): now you're calling me a drama queen
j (10:49:08 PM): it is
fuzzycookie1 (10:49:40 PM): so its good to admit, but in admitting what makes me depressed i'm a drama queen
fuzzycookie1 (10:50:22 PM): is that what ur saying, or am i over analyzing things again? cuz if i am i want u to explain things more clearly to me so i understand what u are saying
fuzzycookie1 (10:50:52 PM): n u didn't answer why u even asked me why i'm suicidal here in the first place
j (10:52:04 PM): because it is a nice thing to do, it is nice to ask u what is on ur mind
j (10:52:20 PM): and i apologize for the words i used a second ago
j (10:52:41 PM): i am not a someone trained to deal with suicidal talks, and i apologize
fuzzycookie1 (10:52:47 PM): u shouldn't do things like that just because they're nice to do, u should do it because u care
fuzzycookie1 (10:52:51 PM): i know ur not
fuzzycookie1 (10:53:09 PM): that was clear to me when i started answering u
fuzzycookie1 (10:53:37 PM): but i didn't want to chastize u for it because u were trying n that's a hell of a lot more than most other ppl do
j (10:54:16 PM): ya
fuzzycookie1 (10:54:21 PM): and i thank u for that
j (10:54:56 PM): welcome
fuzzycookie1 (10:55:28 PM): but please know that many ppl who are suicidal are so because they feel like no one cares about them and i'm one of those ppl. I know, logically in my head, that that's not true. Unfortunately, tho, i have a mental disorder that doesn't like to listen to logic so my feelings don't always match my knowledge
fuzzycookie1 (10:55:52 PM): and u shouldn't delve into such a serious subject because its a polite thing to do. u should do it because u care
fuzzycookie1 (10:56:25 PM): because it hurts me much more getting my hopes up n thinking that one more person gives a fuck about me rather than no one more person doesn't out of the vast majority that shares that feeling
j (10:56:32 PM): well i care, to a point
fuzzycookie1 (10:56:38 PM): heh
fuzzycookie1 (10:56:56 PM): that's good. we all care to a point
fuzzycookie1 (10:58:20 PM): i think too many ppl put too much on the word "care" as if its synonymous w/ "love" and i've never believed that to be true. i'm a very caring person, i care about ppl until they give me a reason not to, hence why i've been given reasons not to be too trusting of ppl (n yet another reason for my mental diagnosis)
fuzzycookie1 (11:00:31 PM): but i think u should know that while i appreciate u trying, u need to know that asking me why i consider giving up on life n then telling me that they're not good reasons at all doesn't help. it only makes me feel worse and it makes me very angry with u and i don't want to be
j (11:01:17 PM): jennifer
fuzzycookie1 (11:01:21 PM): and having PTSD, my experience tells me that whenever i try to explain these feelings to ppl that don't seem to understand them, like u, it always turns into an arguement and i like to avoid those as much as possible
j (11:01:24 PM): i at no time told u they are bad reasons
fuzzycookie1 (11:01:41 PM): that's how i interpreted them
j (11:01:42 PM): and right now, this very second
j (11:01:43 PM): u
j (11:01:45 PM): are
j (11:01:55 PM): being a drama queen, i mention *one thing*
j (11:01:57 PM): and u take it
j (11:02:03 PM): and blow it was the fuck out of proportion
j (11:02:26 PM): i did not insult u as a person
fuzzycookie1 (11:02:34 PM): i felt insulted as a person
j (11:02:36 PM): i did not tell u u had bad reasons for living
j (11:02:42 PM): or for ur want to do n e thing
j (11:02:51 PM): i just described the mother fucking situation
j (11:02:51 PM): ok
fuzzycookie1 (11:02:57 PM): i felt like u were insulting me
j (11:03:06 PM): well it was not my intent
j (11:03:09 PM): and i apologize
fuzzycookie1 (11:03:27 PM): everytime someone has called me that, an attention whore, etc it has been an insult to me
j (11:03:44 PM): because it is an insult
j (11:03:50 PM): but kindly scroll up
j (11:03:55 PM): look at how much u just ranted
fuzzycookie1 (11:03:58 PM): i saw what u said
j (11:04:01 PM): ok, yes, it may be important
j (11:04:07 PM): yes it may matter a whole lot to u
fuzzycookie1 (11:04:11 PM): n i'm telling u why i blew things "way the fuck out of proportion"
j (11:04:17 PM): and it is quite the important issue
j (11:04:45 PM): however, it is definetly in the spirit of creaitng drama
fuzzycookie1 (11:04:53 PM): what is?
j (11:04:56 PM): but at this point
fuzzycookie1 (11:05:01 PM): me getting mad that u insulted me?
fuzzycookie1 (11:05:06 PM): or that i felt insulted by u?
j (11:06:05 PM): nm
fuzzycookie1 (11:06:12 PM): no please
j (11:06:15 PM): change the subject
j (11:06:18 PM): i'm over it
fuzzycookie1 (11:06:27 PM): no, i feel the need to try to explain myself
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:08 PM): u ppl don't understand. some ppl deal w/ their problems by bottling them up inside. some ppl create art, some care for creatures, some ride roller costers or beat ppl up
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:24 PM): i deal w/ mine by talking about them, by getting them out
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:29 PM): it makes me feel better to vent
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:32 PM): i don't like drama
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:39 PM): i don't like having it around
fuzzycookie1 (11:07:47 PM): i don't like instigating it
fuzzycookie1 (11:08:14 PM): hence why i still haven't confronted gabby on talking about us when u have no idea how pissed and betrayed and violated i feel by her
fuzzycookie1 (11:09:17 PM): n i felt even more insulted that u could call me that when u were the one asking n no matter how irritated i've been w/ u over whatever stupid shit i've never called u names
fuzzycookie1 (11:09:54 PM): n that hurt a lot especially since u'd seem to atleast slightly care
fuzzycookie1 (11:10:15 PM): ur not just ignoring all this, are u?
j (11:10:50 PM): i am doin' other things
j (11:10:58 PM): and coming back to the conversation at passing
j (11:11:08 PM): keep talking, w/e makes u feel better
fuzzycookie1 (11:11:39 PM): no i'm done
fuzzycookie1 (11:11:42 PM): i know u don't mean that
j (11:12:07 PM): i just said it, why the hell would i not mean it?
fuzzycookie1 (11:12:46 PM): i dunno
fuzzycookie1 (11:12:49 PM): just to make me happy
j (11:13:40 PM): and that would accomplish what if i didn't care at least an inkling?
fuzzycookie1 (11:14:00 PM): i dunno
j (11:14:03 PM): y do peeps do things like listen but for other people
fuzzycookie1 (11:14:04 PM): i'm sorry
j (11:14:25 PM): meh, nm to be sorry for, just keep shit in mind, when u r blowing up
j (11:14:32 PM): about ur personal problems
j (11:14:43 PM): keep in mind, if u make it seem so horribly shitty, for such a long time
j (11:14:46 PM): people stop caring
fuzzycookie1 (11:14:47 PM): please don't put it that way
j (11:14:59 PM): and it isn't that way, so don't drag it out like it is
fuzzycookie1 (11:15:22 PM): u haven't researched PTSD further, have u?
j (11:15:46 PM): u got food, a place to live, u got nice boobs, a decent body, ur pretty smart
j (11:15:57 PM): ur white, things could be a lot worse
j (11:16:00 PM): no i haven't
j (11:16:28 PM): ps: it's annoying when people through around their disabilities for justification
j (11:16:34 PM): no matter how right
j (11:16:37 PM): it is
j (11:16:48 PM): or how much it is accountable for actions/words
fuzzycookie1 (11:16:48 PM): ug, i knew u'd accuse me of that
j (11:17:07 PM): once again, look over the convo, u said it like 8 times
j (11:17:13 PM): i kno u have it
j (11:17:17 PM): it's too bad, i'm sorry
j (11:17:41 PM): it is not a reason for stuff, just cuz someone named something people seem to exhibit
j (11:17:51 PM): dun mean n e thing
fuzzycookie1 (11:18:07 PM): in a way i'm sorry u haven't known me longer, cuz i used to be a lot worse
fuzzycookie1 (11:18:28 PM): n its a lot harder to take that attitude when the label is put upon u
fuzzycookie1 (11:18:47 PM): u start to think in a whole other way n suddenly all the weird little things u do start to make sense
j (11:19:05 PM): well good, glad it is making sense of the world
fuzzycookie1 (11:19:16 PM): i've gotten a lot better and made a lot of progress, and i know u don't see that n a part of me wishes that u did
j (11:19:29 PM): congrats
fuzzycookie1 (11:20:21 PM): part of me wishes everyone one did. no one in my life now realizes what a big deal it is that i made it to 20. i know i still can't believe i did. i guess thats why it feels so different for me
fuzzycookie1 (11:20:36 PM): but even tho i'm often times aware of when my symptoms come to light and have much better control of them than i used to
fuzzycookie1 (11:20:55 PM): i apparently still say and do things that i'm not aware of that are also symptoms
fuzzycookie1 (11:21:51 PM): so its not that i'm trying to use my disability as an excuse because i know its not. if i wanted to try and use it as such i would not be in therapy and i would not have spent the many agonizing trips to the Emma Center and such
j (11:22:15 PM): mhmm
j (11:22:42 PM): that sounded cynical excuse me, ic would be a better word choice
fuzzycookie1 (11:23:45 PM): but it is an explanation of some of the strange things i do, say, or ways that i act around ppl, especially guys and many ppl who have further researched ptsd after i have told them i have it if not why say that it helps them understand why i sometimes say the things i do and act the way that i do
fuzzycookie1 (11:24:21 PM): and i know that not trusting someone because of their gender isn't right, i know that my life isn't as bad off as it could be, i know all of that
fuzzycookie1 (11:25:17 PM): but i still hear those voices in the back of my head that say, "remember what happened last time, remember what happened last time," and since "last time" happened a lot, its hard to ignore them
fuzzycookie1 (11:25:40 PM): and its no excuse, but apparently it does help ppl understand why i act inexcusably at times
fuzzycookie1 (11:26:11 PM): n thanx for complementing my body. i think that's the first time u've ever done it
j (11:26:22 PM): welcome
j (11:27:11 PM): second time
fuzzycookie1 (11:27:28 PM): when was the first?