Starting Over @ MindSay

I'm trying to catch up with everyone's entries from this weekend.  I was internet-less from Friday morning through yesterday afternoon.  I moved into my apartment on Friday.  So, other than a few odds and ends that I still need to move over, I'm done with the house.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, but I think it's the best move I could have made.  I talked to six24  Friday evening after the moving was done and he said I sounded more excited than I have since this all started.  My dad said the same thing when I talked to him Saturday night.  He thought I sounded really good.  Personally, I don't notice the difference when I'm talking to people, but I know I feel better.  It's nice to know that there aren't any pictures of her sitting around, and there are no memories that include her in this place.  I think there were times this weekend when I forgot all about her, and it's a great feeling when I realize I've been able to do that for awhile.

This situation sucks, but I am a lucky man.  I have one of the greatest groups of friends anyone could ever hope for.  Eight people came to help me move, another one or two would have if they didn't have to work.  Most of these are people who are also friends with my wife, and the amount of support they're showing for me is really overwhelming. 

The separation agreement has been completed.  I reviewed it again on Sunday and gave my attorney the OK to send it out to my wife yesterday.  She should be getting it this week.  In my last meeting with the attorney, we decided to put a statement in the agreement attempting to get half of the down payment on the house back.  It will be interesting to see what my wife has to say about that.  I think it's more than fair, but we'll see.

So, other than that stuff, my weekend was mainly spent organizing the apartment, unpacking boxes.  Played some pool and drank some beers at my friends' place Friday night, tried Indian food for the first time on Saturday.  A good weekend, really.  A starting point.

 i guess it's weird having a new blog to write in. it feels like i'm starting over, which is what i desparately need to do.

Wow. Alot has happened since my last entry. I'm single, I'm happy. I wish you wouldn't be confused though. Where should I start. Griffin made me start smoking. My parents found out and I didn't live at my house for two days. In all seriousness I was scared to death.

My nephew is due in about two weeks. I hope I'll be a good influence. I know I will be, I'll make myself be.

Maybe one day you will grow up and realize...or maybe you won't. Either way it won't matter to me.

I really wish you would trust me...I really wish I wouldn't have screwed up....forgive me....please

If there is anyone who is in the sun will you help me to understand.

I'm just caught between what you wish for and all you need.............I really want you.

I think I've made up my mind on what I want to do in my life. I'm gonna go to Montevallo....For once I'm actually doing what I want and whats best for me and not considering someones feelings which never should have mattered in the first place.

I'm not alone..i'm just on my own.

I can handle it.

I gotta get a new job and I get a new car. Saturn Sky is on my mind.

Until next year.......

I must start looking at myself. I have avoided myself for decades. I am caught in a vicious circle of inertia--and I have put myself here.

I am overweight.

I am out of shape.

I am sad.

I don't feel worthy of feeling well.

Some of this is conditioning, most of this is choice. I have chosen to be conditioned. I have copped out on myself. Until now.... or what passes for now.

I need to change. I need to be more healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. No brainers, right? They're no-brainers if you're already there. They are giant obstacles if you're standing in my shoes. Those three things are my Mount Everests. I am at war with myself and I am losing miserably.

I can't stand to look at myself in any mirror and avoid them at all costs. I won't have my picture taken. I avoid social situations because I am chock-full of self-loathing. This has GOT to change! This is not ME! I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent, have a fairly good sense of humor, and am not butt-ugly (underneath all this... this... me).

What's stopping me, you ask? Fear.

I fear what I'd be like were I smaller. I fear how people will react to me being smaller. I know how I feel now. I know I am miserable, but what am I going to be like in that proverbial "after" picture? Will I lose myself- my internal self? It's about the only piece of me I like!

I am stuck in the "better the devil you know" state of inertia.

Today I begin my Grand Metamorphosis.

Today I will exercise.

Today I will begin eating better.

Today I will begin the journey of ten thousand calories.

Today I weigh 270#

Today I am 5'6" tall

Today I am in my mid-forties.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Dear God . . . the drama . . .

Still, just a "Guy" . . . still in love . . . faithful . . .

Most likey a fool? Yes, absolutely. But truthful. But it's the love of my heart . . . love of my life . . . Yes, absolutely a fool. But one who says his prayers each day, and works to have "something to offer" [her]. Damn me for that.

G.

P.S. Dear God . . . the drama . . .