Sr @ MindSay 
Dixie currently feels:
Alone
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I haven't blogged much this week.
I've been so exhausted with all of the exams and revision sessions I've been doing.
I've been coming in and falling asleep most of the time.
With everybody now leaving me, all I do now is download music and sort it out - then put it on iTunes.
So far, I only have 850 songs and 57 videos.
But tomorrow I'm going to add loads more.
The Media Studies exam on Tuesday was piss.
The two 20 mark designing questions were exactly the same as the ones we had in the mock - design a music TV programme, and design a comic front cover.
I did the same two designs.
Typically, it was the best drawing of #1263 I've ever done, and I won't get to keep it.
Those Welsh bastards at the WJEC better appriciate it.
Today I had a Geography exam.
It wasn't so easy, but it wasn't overly difficult.
I have Friday and Monday off - FOUR DAY WEEKEND - and I'm gonna chill like fuck.
I might even end up eating all the ice cubes in the freezer.
It's been so hot recently, but today, I'm wearing a hoody in the house. Mam's wearing a jacket, dad's wearing a jumper - it's so cold.
Mam upset me earlier, so I used BSR again.
I only did 5 cuts, just above my elbow, but they were quite deep.
I downloaded 'That's Not My Name' by The Ting Tings earlier.
It's a really bright and happy indie-pop song, and it cheered me up a bit.
I've tried completing The Impossible Quiz four times in the past 10 minutes.
Every single time, I died on question 107.
107! THERE'S ONLY 110!!!
I watched a video of someone complete it, and I KNOW I can do questions 108, 109 and 110.
It's just 107!
...Alright, "wearing a tie" is a suggested tag today.
I haven't worn a tie in ages.
All through the Geography revision sessions, I've sat at the back with Miraan and done nothing but draw freehand sketches of #1263.
They've all turned out quite good.
I've drawn her in her school uniform from the end of the novel, wearing #1264's huge polo shirt from Rivalry, in her favourite outfit of a white and red shirt and green shorts, and then I drew her bedraggled and distraught after Imprisonment.
I've began to write Decampment - the chapter that comes after Imprisonment.
I need to finish Perseverance, then I'll be able to post it up.
I've gone over chapter 1 of Fire of Glory, and that's ready to be re-posted.
Either today or tomorrow, or even Saturday, maybe Sunday, maybe Monday - I'll go over chapter 2 and I'll post that up as well.
Dixie currently feels:
Neutral
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Well, today wasn't really a great day to blog about.
We had a "life skills" day - and all we did was go over interview techniques and started putting together a curriculum vitae.
It's basically just made me realise how pointless my life really is.
How unorganised I seem to be.
For the next 5-6 years, at any rate, I have plans...
College and university - but after that I'll be thrown out into the big scary world with a bag full of GCSEs, a handful of A-levels and a pocketful of degrees - and frig all to do with them.
After school I sat down my aisle with Claire - and we laughed over every little thing we seemed to be talking about.
I can't even remember what we WERE talking about.
We got our school photo order forms today.
There's a big picture of all the year 11s on the noticeboard outside Science block - and we all had a look at it today.
I want one - despite hating 99% of my year group, I'd still like to have one - you know?
It's summat to look back on, at any rate.
I'm stood right at the back, because I'm short - and Sarah behind me was making me laugh as the camera went off, so I look proper cheesy.
Here's the sample I got with the order form, I hope it scanned well enough. It's very wonky:
Even so.
I came home, and played a good solid hour and a half of GH3 - online with Stephen.
It's odd, he was more impressed with me getting 100% on a Medium song than he was with me getting 98% on an Expert song...
Oh, and in another note, on the community my groupies were:
It shan't be long until I have Satan + 6000. :)
Tee hee, I LOVE matching numbers.
Then we talked over MSN, discussing possible ideas for my Guitar Hero fan fiction - Stephen's great at puns, so we were thinking up witty chapter names by making jokes on band names and album titles.
I have no idea why "waiting for winter" has come up as a suggested tag - I was so hot on the way home.
I came home and took all my uniform off, and sat in the bathroom in my underwear - with my back to the cold tiles, trying to cool down.
It's freezing now though - no idea why.
Sigh, tomorrow I have textiles, and I have to face the stupid cow.
And after what happened on Monday, I really don't want to...
I was at a snapping point earlier - thinking about Emily.
I almost went and got SR.
...I can't remember how I stopped myself, but.
Mam came in, bearing good news.
On Friday - we're going to Essex!
Wooooooot!!!
We're off on a 7-hour drive down south, with my mam, my dad, and my nana - off to see my great aunties.
We're apparently going somewhere along the Southend coasts as well.
I love my great aunty Betty and her husband, great uncle Roy - they're both really sweet and funny.
Roy never talks, it's Betty who does all the speaking.
She's really over the top about everything - and she speaks her mind - PROPER time.
She told some gadge who came to the front door to straighten his tie.
But she's sweet, and she makes me laugh.
Roy's really kind too - and I just love going down to see them.
I think I've only been to see them three times - but every time, they're always really suprised, because we never give them any warning.
The only thing that annoys me about the people in Essex is the way they say Middlesbrough.
Us, actually from Middlesbrough say it as: 'Middles-bra', which is what it is.
But they say it as: 'Middles bar-agh' - which is a bit irritating.
Mam's lent me her mp3 player, seeing as how mine is broken, and it's ages till I'll get an iPod.
I'm gonna take it with me - cram it full of my top rated music, and some of Emily's recordings, so when I'm trying to go to sleep in the Holiday Inn Express hotel bed, I can listen to her.
The beds in those hotels are SO soft.
The breakfast is always fresh, and the milk is always nice too.
Oh, and they have POWER SHOWERS!
You can control the pressure - so either have a dribble, or blast your skin off.
It's so much fun, and it's so much quicker.
I call them turbo-showers. :)
I have to share a room with nana, but I don't think it'll be all that bad.
She can have the big double bed, and I'll have the fold out camp double bed, like I always do.
Even if it is only a fold-out, it's softer than my own.
Eee, I'm so excited. :)
It'll help take my mind off things, at least.
I've already decided what I'm wearing too.
On the Friday going down, I'll wear my dark jeans and my Pink Floyd shirt, with blue Converse.
On Saturday, I'll wear my Every Great Idea shirt, dark jeans, Anarchy jacket and green Converse.
I'll wear my Sonic shirt and blue Converse to come back in.
I'll take my DS, and mam's mp3 player, with the new playlist, once I've got it sorted out.
I'll take my fic planning book too.
I found an old excersise book that used to be a Geography book, so I ripped out a few pages and coloured in the box on the front in permanent marker, and wrote "PLANNING ENTIRE" on the front.
I plan SO much better on paper, so I'll show you the scans of what's in it so far - character plans for GRODT:
And those are my very first drawings of Sprocket and Axel from GRODT. :)
After getting more ideas as I was planning - perhaps GRODT may be re-thought, re-written, and re-posted.
Huzzah huzzah. :D
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Today's song lyrics:
Emily - From First To Last
Smiles and her laughter,
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for, a time.
Regardless of our distance, and our hope, grows greater.
Swept by pretty eyes and laughter for, a time.
The only thing that I've been waiting for.
I hope it's something worth the waiting,
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real.
Thunderstorms could never stop me,
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily.
She's simple yet confusing,
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble.
Days seem like years in this month of December.
The winter, coldens me for I have yet to sleep.
And never, will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me.
I hope it's something worth the waiting,
It’s the only time that I ever feel real.
Thunderstorms could never stop me,
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily.
There's no one in the world like Emily.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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Right, let's be chronological.
The last time I blogged, it was a day or two before I went down to Southend.
And I was worried about going because of the cuts on my arms.
So when I was there - first day, I wore my green striped hoody, second day I had an arm-warmer on, and the third day, I wore the hoody again. And I slept in long sleeved pyjamas.
That aside - I only had one battery for the mp3 player I borrowed from my mam, and it lasted up until the morning of the last day. Not bad.
I shared a room with nana, and we got free sachets of coffee, tea and hot chocolate with a kettle and stuff - so I had hot chocolate each night before bed.
I took the extra one home with me, and I drank that a few days ago, because it was really nice.
Nana brought ham sarnies and chicken drumsticks and Jaffa Cake bars for on the journey down - and we stopped at a Little Chef to eat on the way back.
And it was there that I had my most expensive crisps ever.
They were 99p - and I've had better ones for 10p.
When we were in Southend, we went to see the family down there.
My great Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy, we went to see for about five hours on Saturday, and for another three on Sunday morning.
As they do every single time, they made us ham sandwiches on Saturday, and cheese on toast on Sunday morning.
They're both really nice - never stop talking, never run out of things to say.
But I do feel sorry for them, they're both in their early 80s. Betty doesn't get out much because she has dodgy hips and knees.
She likes me though.
I like her too.
She seems to have high aspirations for me... I can't understand why.
Then we went to see Alice and Charlie - who are in their mid-80s.
They scare me, they scare me a lot.
Then there was Robert, my mother's cousin - who I hate with a passion.
I sat there in silence for the entrie time.
Of course, mother said I was ignorant, but she can piss off at the moment, which I'll explain why further down...
...So, the week at school.
This week.
Hmm.
The only good things are that I've got myself a B for my Science coursework, and today I managed to round off all of my IT coursework.
Parry has signed me up for counselling - and despite how much I protested, I was forced.
I was downright fucking forced.
I do not like the idea one bit - I know I'm being unfair, as everyone says, I'm not taking their advice, I'm throwing it back at them, whatever.
I know I'm being unreasonable, I'm well aware of that.
But the worst - oh, I was betrayed.
When I first started talking to her in year 10, I was told my parents would never need to be told about my self harm issue.
Yes.
So mother was called in on Thursday afternoon, and told everything.
Somehow, I don't think that's quite keeping it fucking quiet.
So my mam told me what she thinks of me.
She hates me - she says my only good quality is my intelligence, and that she'd rather have a thick kid who was nice.
Apparently I'm the most horrible person in the world, I'm ignorant, anti-social, lazy and ungrateful.
Yep, that's me.
And today I've had two of my friends leave me, because they're cunts.
Though, Emily loves me, she's always there for me.
Adam loves me, he's not going to leave me after 10 years.
My new friend Reiss loves me, he's there to listen.
Sammie loves me, she said she'll never let me go.
And my daddy loves me.
He's being so nice to me.
He bought me a squishy puffer-fish toy and made me pancakes for breakfast.
He keeps tickling me and babying me.
I poured my heart out to him yesterday, told him about my self harm and how I want to end life.
He said even if it doesn't help, I'm always welcome to talk to him.
I love my daddy, and my daddy loves me.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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Today was Saturday.
Adam came round, as he normally does - and we played Guitar Hero III co-op, messed about with random stuff, and ate pizza - like we normally do.
I got all of my WWE wrestling action figures out from under my bed, and we posed them into a 10-man orgy.
It was quite funny, in its own little immature way.
After Adam had gone, and I'd went offline, I took SR out of his tin and cut my arms again.
The strain of holding it back from Tuesday was taking its toll on me.
I don't know.
Today's just been generally uneventful.
I got my first 100% on Expert today on Guitar Hero III.
This marks the first 100% score on Expert, and the first song to have 100% on every single difficulty level.
Closer, by Lacuna Coil.
It's a bonus song, but unlike many of them, it's decent enough to earn a 4 star rating in my media library.
There's new stuff on my DeviantArt, if anybody's interested.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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I don't know how I manage to - but today, I managed to avert my self harming urges once more.
Perhaps it is Emily lingering on my mind.
...No, Emily does not linger.
Emily weighs heavily upon my mind - even though she's so light.
After thinking about her - thinking about her in the wrong way; remembering her tear-stricken face and her sorrow-smeared words, I felt very sad inside.
So I went to my stationery drawer, opened it, and stared in.
SR was there - resting on the top of my gel pens and felt tips.
I stared at him for a long time.
The last thing he was used for, was actually, to remove a staple.
I felt I'd use him for his true cause, and take out some staples.
So I destroyed my old RE book from year 9.
I drew pentagrams and anarchy signs in the name box.
Not very religious, I know - but I'm not.
I'm sick of not being able to write anything.
I'm so angry at staring at the same shitty divider, watching the cursor flashing underneath it.
The cursor is taunting me.
The flashing means that... Well, it's thinking "Har, I'm gonna stay here and flash at you because you can't think of anything to write."
Fucking cursor.
Adam was round today.
We spent some of the day playing co-op Guitar Hero III.
As usual, he was the one to get bored first, so he got his DS out and started playing Ace Attourney.
We did quite a few songs though - but the 5 star rating for Helicopter will be damn near impossible if he keeps shoving me on rhythm guitar and not lead.
The lead is EASIER, damn it!
I played some wi-fi co-op with Emily later.
At around 9, till about quarter past 10.
We did 7 songs with her on lead, then 5 with me on lead.
To take the piss dramatically, I chose One as my last song.
I barely scraped through it with a 4-star on Hard, nevermind sodding Expert.
So we failed, and I laughed - a lot.
When Adam and I were laid on my bed, being bored - I was scrolling through the setlist of GH3.
Being bored, we started making up parody names for the songs - replacing one word with "shit".
Slow Shit
Hit Me With Your Best Shit
Bulls On Shit
Miss Shit
When You Were Shit
Take This Shit
Hier Kommt Shit
Generation Shit
Radio Shit
Through The Fire And Shit
Holiday In Shit
Raining Shit
In Shit
Shit It Black
Same Old Song & Shit
Talk Shitty To Me
Story Of My Shit
School's Shit
Sunshine Of Your Shit
Shit In The UK
Even Shit
Kool Shit
Black Magic Shit
Cherub Shit
Shit Of Personality
Before I Shit
And my personal favourite:
She Bangs The Shit
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Today's song lyrics:
Vermillion Part 2 - Slipknot
She is everything to me...
The unrequited dream...
A song that no one sings...
The unattainable ...
She's a myth that I have to believe in...
All I need to make it real is one more reason...
And I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
When she makes me sad...
But I won't let this build up inside of me...
I won't let this build up inside of me...
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