Sorrow @ MindSay

Left alone with only reflections of the memory to face the ugly girl that's smothering me.

And we kiss each other one more time, and sing this lie that's halfway mine.
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by his angel light.

2nd year = very high stress/maintenance.  My 8 kids carry across FIVE different grade levels (we skip 4th grade, but then make up for it by being Kindergarten through 5th), and some of them need a lot more attention than me and oh yeah, my untrained staff, can always handle.

Just sat in a meeting with the guidance counselor and got the sad news that one of my tougher cookies, D(M) will be hospitalized as soon as a spot in the program opens up.  I still have a meeting tomorrow with all the team and his mom, but ... he just needs so much, and this wide, crazy, spread-thin program isn't going to help him.  I am going to miss him greatly, and now have to savor what could be my last few days with him.  In secret.  Because we both agreed I shouldn't tell my staff, because I want them to work with him like he was ours forever.  And also because he doesn't yet know he's being re-admitted, and the less people that know, the less likely he'll find out in a wrong way.

I figured it was okay to type here, though.

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After my mood slightly rose last night with the parmo and Resident Evil combination - I suspected that I may feel slightly reasonable today. But no.
Today I've felt worse.

I would have allowed myself to cut my arms - but after mam told me that I might be going to get new shirts tomorrow - and she'd be there, naturally she'd want to see how they look on me - thus, making my arms a dangerous place to cut if I wanted to conceal them.
So I've had to opt for my legs instead, which sucks - because they don't hurt half as much.

Nobody is really helping.
Shelly certainly didn't help by ringing me up this afternoon hyper off her head.
Everyone else is always hyper as fuck or jolly and happy when I feel like slitting my throat.

She's coming to see me - but I can see it being a repeat of Wednesday.
Could even be worse if mam's not at work and insisting on taking me out. :(

I tried to continue DATWBSVOH last night and I only got a sentence out.
Sigh, it looks like I'll be fucking stuck on chapter one forever.

But, one positive I suppose:
Resident Evil: Code Veronica X - Nosterafu is dead, finally. And he didn't manage to poison me.
I'm onto Chris' scenario, but I might save that for when I have an audience.

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Alright, I've been feeling shit for over a week now.
I got so upset earlier, I laid on my bed and thought about what I've been doing the last week that I don't normally do. I've compiled a list:

1. I either eat shitloads or nothing at all
2. I can't be bothered showering, brushing my teeth/hair or general hygiene tasks
3. I can't sleep on a nighttime - at least not before 4AM
4. I randomly fall asleep during the day
5. I'm cutting myself every day
6. I can't force myself to cry
7. I don't seem to think very often
8. I can't be bothered talking 
9. I'm not being difficult when mam asks me to do things
10. In effect, I'm actually being nicer to her
11. I'm not turning my light on when it gets dark
12. I'm feeling the need to masturbate a lot - especially at around 12AM-2AM
13. I'm randomly gagging when I put food in my mouth
14. I'm always thirsty
15. I'm getting a lot of headaches
16. I'm getting a lot of random stomach cramps
17. My stomach often feels harder than usual
18. I'm not going to the toilet very often
19. I'm always warmer than usual
20. I can't concentrate on something for very long
21. My excema is going mental
22. My chest always feels tight
23. But I feel less and less bothered to actually take my tablets/inhalers
24. I'm more proned to shouting at Shelly for being stupid, and have done several times
25. I find myself sitting somewhere for an hour and not actually accomplishing or even doing anything
26. I can't keep my head straight for very long - it seems to flop to my right a lot
27. My arms feel very weak
28. As do my fingers and my wrists
29. My eyes sting randomly and my vision fucks up

And I don't even know what the fuck could have triggered it off.
I got depressed earlier over watching this shitty programme with mam - and I don't even know why.

I managed to force myself to cry, and because I can't cut myself at the moment (mam would see, it's far too warm to wear long sleeves to hide them) - I punched myself in the face and smashed my head against my headboard and my wardrobe. I gave myself a massive headache, made my nose bleed a little bit and triggered off my asthma.
Shelly rang me in the midst of all this - then I ended up arguing with her.

I went on MSN to talk to Adam - then I went to lay on my bed again mid-conversation.
He's changed his personal message to angry stuff and his Facebook status is all like "Hmph, some fucking friends" - I don't understand, is he angry at me because I stopped talking?
He just went straight offline too, so maybe he's angry at me as well.

Shelly was angry at me for ages - she used something against me that she shouldn't have and I hung up on her and turned my phone off - then got around to calming down, letting her ring me again - made an effort to sort things out, but it didn't seem to fucking get anywhere.
She even suggested we split up, for if we couldn't go back to being friends - it would affect Ash, and all this.

Sigh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I was considering jumping out of my window earlier.
It's only about 12 feet from the ground, I wouldn't have died - maybe just broken an arm.
I was actually quite close to sitting on the windowsill - I was knelt on my entertainment stand, with my elbows on the frame - looking down out of it...

For fuck's sake - why can't I just die.
Every time I try to trigger an asthma attack - something MAKES me take my bastard salbutamol and then all my efforts are wasted.
What's the fucking point.

If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd make an effort to sort it.
But I just don't know.

“Don’t get attached”

That is easier to say then do.

I was told that this job would have its’ ups and downs and I am at that down part that everyone has been talking, gabbing, and chatting over coffee about.

One of my favorite dogs is going to be euthanized today.

I didn’t find it hard with many of the other ones….

But today I teared up.

Today I cried.

 

I am sensitive -Even more so now that I am off my antidepressants. The slightest change can set me off; the smallest worry will make me feel like the world is ending.

 

We all come into this life to die. So what happens when we do?? No one knows. I think it’s different for everyone.

 

I think people get the decision to be forgiven for their sins or not. I feel like if everyone is supposedly forgiven for all their sins by God then maybe we will all go to heaven…

 

Whatever.

 

I believe all the animals I have encountered and haven’t, go to a better place. I would like to believe that when you die it doesn’t just STOP. I may even have a slight belief that some animals that are in our lives are reflections of our loved ones or a piece of ourselves that happened for a reason.

 

I think that is what makes it so hard to look at an animal that is headed for certain death later in the day. It hurts to look into dogs’ eyes that have been around so long and say “I’m Sorry, There Is Nothing I Can Do”. Comfort…meh…it works a little to know I was able to be a friend…. I know I came into this job with prior warning that I will feel my lows…

I just don’t think I want to know when he gets put down…I really don’t want to see the necropsy… I’m reconsidering working as a Technician in Research….we will see what happens.

 

I think I am in need of major Humane Society visiting.

The cats and dogs that have a chance to go to homes and live their lives until they die of natural causes….

I’m taking my dog around Lake Calhoun.

I know that will make me feel better.

 

There will in time be survivors of heart failure…. That is all I can really tell myself.

 

Rest In Peace Ace 7/30/09