So Called Friends @ MindSay 
bad friends
even dr. sommerman could tell something was wrong with me when i went in her office today w/ my partner for her class. she asked if i was ok n i just said i had a bad day n i started crying right there in front of both of them. how fucking EMBARASSING! i just don't kno how i can mentally n emotionally get back into school or focus on finding new roomies now when all i want to do is sleep n cry.
he won't tell me what's wrong, but i know that something is. i asked cyn if she'd tell me cuz she hung out outside even tho that fucking bitch said she wouldn't if i was there because it stresses me out. "do you really want to hear it from me? i think he should tell you himself." she even said, "just tell her what you've wanted to say," n still he wouldn't. i thought we were cool when i saw him on thrusday.
n i just keep asking myself: why am i still chasing somebody who treats me the way my first boyfriend did?
when i saw him today i asked if we could talk n he said he didn't feel like it.
when can we talk?
when he feels like it.
when will he feel like it?
he doesn't kno.
you know how much i hate being ignorned and you know you're not the first guy to do this to me.
he just looked me in the eyes n said, "and?"
are you kidding?
don't do this, what's going on, albert please don't, please talk to me, what the fuck, why won't u talk to me.
the whole time i was following him down those stairs, grabbing his arm, trying to pull him back n saying all those things over n over, seeing all those ppl passing by us n looking at me like i'm crazy, every time i closed my eyes i was in high school again. it wasn't me n this boy, it was me 5 years ago on the street behind that little catholic school, asking some other jackass all the same questions and getting the same response. not just from him, but from the passer-bys, too, who i guess are lucky enough not to kno how this feels based on the way they're looking at me. i was 14, 15, 16, 17 years old again. just a little girl, helpless to another situation brought on by loving a man.
its that false hope that keeps me coming back. usually he's totally willing to talk to me, even if its not about something pleasant. he's even complained about how cyn will do this shit to him, n then he just turns around n does it to me. i'm shocked, i'm lost, i'm confused and i'm pissed of, not just at him for doing this, but at myself for reacting this way.
when i think about it, it makes sense why this all hurts so bad, but i wonder if subconsiously its easier for me to get mad at myself because i have more control over that than the black heart of another human being, even if i feel like i don't at times. or maybe i really don't n i just think i do. who fucking knows? i'm just trying so hard to get my mind off of this, but i can't, not when everything- places, objects, stuff we talk about in class- makes me think of him n what a good friend he used to be n how more than anything i just want my friend back. i was hoping that because its been a few months, that once finals were over maybe we could work something out, but i guess its not going to fucking happen.
i hate how in movies, u see those girls that have a giant group of friends that are willing to mobilize for her whenever she needs them. i wish life worked like that for me, but it never has. i've always had to fight all of my battles pretty much all on my own. supposedly i'm stronger for that, but i don't feel that way, not now at all.
i have someone coming over in 10 minutes (maybe) to look at the place, so i need to get my shit together. i'll be damned to have some potential room mate stranger come here n be able to tell that i've been crying off n on since 11:00am.
n if hell freezes over n someone actually reads this, please don't tell me that, "plenty of fish in the sea, he's an ass get over it" shit, cuz i've heard it all before n it doesn't help.
when i was waiting for the shuttle, i got a call from someone at student affairs saying randy, the judicial officer, wanted to meet with me that afternoon, n honestly, i was thinking, "thank god!" i'd been considering talking to her about this whole situation because i didn't know who else to talk to so i could clear all this crazy shit up.
i went n tabled n i didn't see albert just like i'd figured. maybe he exited out the door on the other side of the building that i couldn't see, maybe he just didn't go to class, but i didn't see him at all. n amazingly, i didn't freak out, either. no huge anxiety attack or anything. maybe its because i'm so aggitated with the whole situation that its helping me keep my distance from him, or maybe its because spending last week in ohio with anna really did help me let go of a lot of the things i was feeling. still, i figured his absense meant he knows whats been going on.
i was nervous before meeting randy n figured it would be a circus. here's part of a message i just sent to anna:
i thought it would be hella worse than it actually was, altho while i was waiting for her to get back from a meeting i saw a cop n as soon as i did i knew he was there for me. when she got there we went in her office n apparently a guy who goes by "greg latimor" or "greg sanders" and this chik named "jessica dorsi" e-mailed the school/called the counseling center n said that i'd written on my mindsay about shooting up the school n myself. how fucking rediculous is that? they read me this e-mail n i was just like, "i have no idea who these fucking ppl are" n i really don't. the cop also said that both of the phone numbers that called in talking about me started with some area code in florida. i told them that the only ppl i could possibly think would do this would be cyn/albert, or that random person that comes on my blog n leaves messages about how i'm a fat ugly whore that should just kill myself n shit. (i'm leaning more towards that because the e-mail also said shit about me cutting myself n showing it off to ppl on the web n in real life. how many cuts did u see when i was out there?) they'd even e-mailed the link to my mindsay to them n i said, "if u wanna check it, you have the link," n they were like, "we did, n ur right, there's nothing there." it was weird tho cuz then they started asking me about cyn n albert n what albert is like. i dunno if they talked to them after i left or what, but they did make a point in saying, "we don't know who these people are, either. we don't know that its is them and we don't know that its not them." n the only time i really started crying was when i mentioned that the 15th was when my grandma died. i was thinking, "great, now they're gonna tell me this is suspicious," but they didn't. u'd have been so proud of me :)that's the abreviated version of what happened, n that's pretty much it. it reminded me a lot of when i had to do basically that same shit in middle school, but this time it wasn't quite as bad. i was really scared that they'd try to make me disarm a gun or something crazy like that like albert had to do in hs cuz i could seriously accidentally hurt myself or someone else doing that cuz i really have no fucking clue how. i'm sure its not that hard to learn, but i've never been taught that. n it sux that now the school has the link to this site so they can scope it out if they ever feel like it, but if that's the only way to show i'm not a gun-toting looney then i guess that's all there is to it.
today has been full of ups n downs n i'm sure that there will be more. my test this morning wasn't too bad n neither was the rest of class, really. before my stats lab, tho, jackie told me that there's this guy who's a friend of hers n he wants her to hook him up with someone...n she told him about me n she was wondering if i'd be interested, hehe. i didn't have the chance to ask her about him before i had to go to class, but i was really excited. as much as i still want to be with albert, who still hasn't been on here, i really need to move on n i know that. i also really WANT to move on. i know that lingering on him does me no good n besides that, after all the pain he's caused me i'm still asking myself why part of me still loves him. i know i said i didn't want another boyfriend again, but i guess i'm starting to get desperate. i'm tired of hurting over someone i'm not important to.
then i found out that a class that i really wanted to take next semester overlaps w/ sexual diversity, a class i not only want to take but is required for my minor n only offered in the fall so i need to take it next semester if i want to graduate next year. n i was getting so excited for next semester, nothing overlapped or anything...grr, school!
then i went to go prosect n accidentally cut off part of a muscle n some viens i probably wasn't supposed to. it was deffinately not my day for prosecting, n tomorrow i was gonna tell my professor about the scalpel...haha...
in other news, apparently sean is walking over here now, which means I'M GETTING LAID! fuck yea! i know sean's a douche, but i'm glad to be getting sex. i started thinking about albert n really missing him again today. i hope he's ok, he still hasn't been by n apparently cyn's got some crazy rash n she's been semi-quarentined. (ha!)
i got home a little while ago, back to arcata. mike told me that within the week, cops have been to the apartment multiple times asking for me- UPD, APD (arcata police department), EPD (eureka police department), n even the sharifs. when i deleted that entry for the santa clara police department, weren't they supposed to call UPD n tell them that everything is ok? well apparently mike was also told that several of my "friends" said that i was planning on shooting myself or someone else. the cops i talked to in santa clara had said something about me shooting myself or driving a car off a cliff, n honestly whoever gave them this idea is blatantly lying or a fucking retard. everyone knows i don't have a driver's lisence, let alone a car- who's am i supposedly driving? n all of cyn n albert's friends kno this, as well as cyn n albert, cuz that's why those two were originally going to teach me how to drive. not only that, but the only time i have EVER held a gun was in january because ALBERT took out HIS pistol his grandpa gave him n was showing it to me. it had no bullets, no gun powder, no gun oil or whatever the fuck is required to make a gun shoot. not only that, but that was only the SECOND time i've ever even SEEN a gun other than the guns i've seen on cops carrying. why the fuck would he ever give me a gun, especially since i don't know how to use it? i don't even kno how to load the damn thing! seeing as how "friends" told them this, there is no way albert could not kno about this n i'm sure that explains why he didn't come by here this whole week. n i know that when i'm tabling tomorrow, he won't come n say hi after his class.
its sad because before i left for spring break, that thursday after i got all of the pictures from cyn, i was actually FEELING OK with the whole thing. i've been trying hard lately not to live with regrets, which is one of the reasons i got together w/ cyn n albert n stuck it out for the first week even tho i had doubts n kept thinking about ending things before they got too serious. n why should i regret what we had? the three of us had a lot of fun n had a lot of great times hanging out or having sex or whatever it was that we did. i mean, i'd always wanted to go down on a guy with another girl n we did that, i'd even just wanted to fool around with a girl n me n cyn did that. i had FUN n i enjoyed the relationship while it lasted. why should i regret something i enjoyed, even if i'm sad its gone? just looking at all the pictures i got from her of when the three of us were still together, it filled me with a sense of nostalgia. its over n that sux, but it was all good then.
then this shit with the cops started happening again. n my boss called me to make sure i was ok. n i'm sure that tomorrow all kinds of professors are gonna want to talk to me n make sure that i'm ok. n i'm sure that police officers will approach me while i'm on campus n want to talk to me. anna put it best when i called her n told her all of this a little bit ago: Be ready for anything. and its even more sad, because again today on the car ride up here with reanna i was feeling ok with things ok. so albert and i can't be romantically involved anymore. if i hold on for a few months i might be able to have him as a friend again. i might be able to trust him n talk to him n maybe we could hang out on the beach over the summer together when we need a moment to get away from bullshit like he used to offer to do, but i'd turn him down because i was nervous because i knew he liked me. it seems like just when i start feeling alright with this whole break up thing again, something else happens. n it sux, because i'm not lying when i say i'm ok. Anna told me that she thinx i'm handling the situation pretty well, which made me feel good. i'm not feeling suicidal or homicidal, but apparently the cops are hearing otherwise.
part of the reason why this hurts so bad is because i'm also wondering where were the cops when I needed them? where were they when i told them about daniel repeatedly raping me? weren't they supposed to go out n catch the bad guy? but oh yeah, that's right, he was under 18 so he couldn't have possibly understood the consequences of his actions against me, n even tho i told him no n even tho we'd sit n talk on AN HONEST TO GOD REGULAR BASIS about how much it hurt me n how i felt when he wouldn't stop, since he was under 18 he couldn't have possibly understood the emotional depth that i was talking about. THEY TOLD ME THIS! but some crazy bitch who's scared her husband is gonna leave her for me n some of their friends get together n say i'm gonna shoot someone n all of a sudden its time to do their fucking jobs. isn't part of ur job investigating how i'd get access to a gun if that was really an issue? do u not realize albert n some cousin who is a cop FOR THE SANTA CLARA POLICE DEPARTMENT that i haven't seen in YEARS (i think his name is carlos, i don't kno) are the only ppl i know who even own guns? n honestly, why the fuck would either of them give them to me seeing as how i don't know how to load, fire, or use them in anyway? but here i go getting upset again. the cops in santa clara wanted to take me to a sanitarium because i was getting upset when they were talking to me. no shit dumbfucks, don't u think this kind of thing would be upsetting to deal w/, too?
well cyn can try to fuck up my life all she wants, but after talking to anna n thinking a bit, i realize that i've lived thro worse. for example, the two years of being raped n lied to n treated like a piece of meat, and then the two years of lies, half truths, n information that was conveniently not told to me until the last minute by the santa clara police department, detectives, n even lawyers n parole officers. i talked about all of that shit w/ the law on here while it was happening my senior year of hs n my freshman year of college here at HSU. and i know deep down inside that i am stronger than this. i mean really, they don't feel like they've fucked up my life enough? get me into this relationship, get me to fall in love, dump me, lie to me, n lie to all of the ppl i once called friends to make me look like the bad guy? i seriously became a scapegoat for cyn n albert's relationship- suddently all of their problems were my fault because albert loved me n albert wouldn't stop talking to me, even tho if he really wanted to leave her, he would have done it already n him playing along w/ this shit shows that he doesn't love me. i even told him when i saw him a couple thursdays ago before i left for spring break that it really does not make logical sense for me to say that he doesn't care about me at all. obviously he cares a little or else he would not have seen me, even if it was just because he was only doing it to make me happy. but i don't care how scared he is to lose cyn, i don't kno how u could put anyone u say u love thro this kind of shit. n i know that when cyn or mara or morgan or whoever she's got spying on me reads this, they won't feel empathy, they'll just think i'm dumb n use it to fuel their fire. But i'm stronger than this ladies, n the fact that u feel the need to keep this shit up tells me that u haven't moved on either n ur not half as mature as u think u are. i still hope the rest of ur life is full of long n incredbly painful flare-ups, n i still hope that someday albert realizes he's better than some crazy bitch like u n he moves on to something better, just like he deserves.
so there was something else that happened on monday that i wanted to mention n i figure i'll do it now before i have to get dressed, take puma to the vet, (i'm boarding him for the next week again. poor kitty :(), n go to campus to work on my stats homework that's due later today. as i said before breifly, psychology club had an event on monday. one of the local pizza shops in town was dedicating 20% of all of their profits from the whole day to our club n at 7:00 the officers were supposed to meet there to help raise more money. there was also supposed to be an open mic, but we ended up not having all the parts to the equitment that we needed so it didn't happen. i decided to take the bus to campus n then walk there, (the place is called big pete's), because its not very far n since i knew i'd be early, the walk would kill some time n of course give me a bit of exercise.
well when i was walking up the street big pete's is on, i saw Matt. (outside hey juan's if u know arcata at all) cyn n albert's n used to be my friend matt. i had my ipod on n figured he wouldn't want to talk so i was just going to say hi n walk past him, but when he saw me he was like, "Holy shit," n he opened his arm to give me a hug, so i hugged him back. He asked me how i was doing n after a moment i said, "i'm alive." "just that?" i thought for a moment how i should answer this n i paused my ipod n took it off. i was down the street from where i needed to be anyway. i basically told him that i was stressed from school but that it had been keeping my mind off of a lot of other bullshit, and that i was excited because next week i was going to ohio to see my best friend that i haven't seen in a little over two n a half years. (that's how long ago i last visited anna :() he looked impressed almost n said, "that's huge." "yeah, so right now i'm just trying to hold onto that because i am getting the fuck out of here n taking a vacation from all the bullshit that's been going on here!" he asked what i was up to n i told him i was in town for an event for psych club n explained it to him, n he told me that he'd been planning a trip to burning man w/ the ppl that were with him n that the restaurant where him n albert work is going to be closed that whole week so everyone could go. (i will be pissed/jealous if albert goes.) i've always wanted to, but its the first week of school here at HSU n i know some ppl bend over backwards to get in contact w/ their professors so that they don't get dropped from their classes, n i think its such a hassle that i'd rather just wait until i graduate. i told matt that n he said that this year might be the last one, not surprisingly.
at some point around here, matt said that he was buzzed, which, knowing matt, probably means he was actually a little drunk. then he said something that i didn't really expect to hear: "i miss hanging out with you, jen." i hate it when ppl call me jen, but i just smiled and said, "I miss hanging out, too. more than you know." matt looked at me n was like, "really? i was always under the impression that you thought i was..." now there's a lot of things i've always thought matt was, and i knew that if he said one of them i'd have to confess the truth. what he did say, tho, is was never one of them "...some sort of asshole." i couldn't help but laugh, because i mean i guess in a way he is. he's never really been an asshole to me, but yea, i guess he is an asshole what with our fucked up senses of humor n all. i was like, "well..." n i went on to explain the different breeds of assholes.
1) guys who are assholes all the time. cocky, arrogant douch bags. they're just plain assholes.
2) then there's assholes like raver jimmy. they're good to u half the time so when they start acting like a prick, it almost makes it worse because you're just kinda like, "wtf?"
3) then there's the assholes like matt n albert, (which i told him, even tho after some of the shit albert's pulled since we broke up, i think he belongs more in the 2nd category now), which are guys that are assholes, but not really.
that last group didn't need any further explanation, matt just laughed n said, "yeah. i'm not really an asshole, but yeah." lol. before i'd explained the three groups to him he'd been arguing his case n everything, saying, "i mean, i've always thought that i'm a pretty good guy," and really he is, just like albert was. but at the same time, they both can still be fuckheads. i'm sure that there are some ladies out there, if not other men, that understand what i'm trying to say here, n no, its not that all men fit into these three categories, only the ones that are assholes do.
anyway, after that i think is when he said he'd let me go off to my event n he was gonna go back into hey juan's n drink some more. (i didn't know they served beer there!) it was a little after 7:00 now so i did need to get going, but he told me how much he missed hanging out with me, said he might go visit me up the street at big pete's later, (he never did, n albert never did either, tho i wasn't really expecting him to), hugged me some more, n then we went on with whatever we'd been doing before we saw each other. it made me feel SO GOOD to hear everything matt said. i had been surprised enough that he actually wanted to have a conversation with me, but i sure as shit didn't expect him to say any of the things about me that he said. it was just kind of like, "wow, everyone doesn't hate me." of course as i started walking up the street i realized he was drunk, n matt does tend to talk out of his ass when he's been drinking, (as all of the ppl i used to call friends, myself included, do), and since he does tend to be a nice person he probably just said all of that shit just to make me feel good n didn't really mean any of it, especially considering the fact that he's one of the ppl that told albert to walk away from me n have nothing to do w/ me anymore n when we were at the bar on my birthday apparently he told albert that n that he shouldn't have come one of the times that they went outside...but there's still that part of me that wants to believe it, that wants to believe that he does actually miss me n that he really did mean anything nice he had to say about me. i also know that part of me is an idiot, tho.
that's everything for now. now i seriously need to get dressed, take puma to the vet, n hopefully i'll have enough time to catch the bus at 10:30 so i can finish my homework before class, n then after that i'm supposed to see albert for a bit. *crosses fingers he won't chicken shit out!* i really wish i could just lay around naked today; i'm still in my bathrobe, towel on my head n everything from when i got out of the shower. it was finally warm enough for me to sleep topless last night, too! i always love sleeping nude so much more than w/ clothes.
I spend much of my time this weekend thinking about everything. Saturday night shit really began to get to me because I started thinking about the fact that cyn n albert still have all their friends. They still have something now even tho everything is over, they still have friends to go to. I have nothing. I don’t even have albert anymore. Twice now I’ve gotten messages from morgan on myspace harassing me. Well actually, I haven’t read the second one yet. Part of that is because I didn’t want to deal w/ it when I saw it on Saturday, and the other reason is because the internet has been down at my place since yesterday. (yes, my dumbass is doing all this updating on campus) the first one, however, was about how I need to stop trying to split them up, which I wasn’t aware I was even doing in the first place, and all this shit about how obnoxious she always thought that I was. (which is why she’d call me n ask to hang out w/ me, right? Its kinda funny cuz originally when I met her I thought the same thing about her…) its to the point that everyone has heard so many lies about me that I don’t know if those relationships can ever be remedied. And what are cyn and albert doing to change that? Nothing probably. I’m sure that they both have too much pride to be like, “look y’all, apparently albert has been lying to the both of us about what the other has been doing, so some of the things I’ve told u aren’t true” or some shit like that. To be honest, the only reason why I really want to bother is because I feel the need to have friends. If I’m going to survive and make it another year here, then I need them. Then again, maybe I don’t. I suppose I could just play the sims all day in my room. Even if cyn and albert have proven to be shitty friends, its better than nothing, which is exactly what I have now. In a way its almost like the shit with gabby is happening again, too- I can’t trust them, just like how I couldn’t trust her. I’ve come to realize that the only reason I’m still holding on is because of a false hope, too. They’ll both come to their senses and things will work out and they’ll start treating me decently again and get my trust back and they’ll tell everyone that what they’d said about me before were lies and they’d work to remedy those relationships w/ me as much as they could seeing as how they’re the ones that fucked them up. I’m holding onto this false hope that the man I loved will come back to me, not even in terms of getting back together with me, but that I’ll see him again.
In a way this is another thing that’s reminding me of my ex. One of the things that kept me with him for so long was the fact that I’d see how nice and sweet and generous he was to other ppl, and he used to be that way with me when our relationship started. I held onto this false hope that he’d start treating me that way again someday, start treating me the way that I saw him treat everybody else, too, that he really did love me as much as he said he did and that he really did want to marry me and that that would motivate him to change back one day. Now, albert never said he wanted to marry me. It wasn’t something we ever talked about seriously. We’d say things like, “too bad that’s not legal, hahaha…” but it was always kind of a joke when we would. Its not like a real plan that we had. When cyn told us we had to break up, he told me and I’d always figured that we’d make it to graduation since we were all such good friends and then after that the relationship would probably have to end for some reason or another. Albert did, however, tell me many times that he loved me. Not only that, but one of the things we would talk about and one of the things I brought up when I saw him n cyn on Friday was how we both knew we loved each other, we knew that what he felt for the other person was love, but it was different from anything else we’d ever felt for anyone else. I loved albert and naturally my dumb ass still does for some stupid reason, but it was different than the love I had for Nam, and I loved him with all my heart, too. It was just something about our friendship, and he said that he felt the same way.
Saturday I also had to go into town to go to the bank and I needed to go to campus to work on homework. I had to do this on Saturday because there is no bus service on Sundays and because of my knee being fucked up, I didn’t really feel like walking. (oh yeah, that was another thing that fucked with me on Friday that I’ll expand a bit more on later, but I had a doctor’s appointment for my knee on Friday n I’d mentioned that to cyn and albert when I was talking to them. Part of me wanted to try to call albert and leave him a message telling him what happened, but I figured that if he really cared to know, he’d call. Of course I haven’t heard from him yet.)
On my way from the bank to campus, I had to walk past the Laundromat where cyn works. Not only that, but I knew that she was working there when I walked by. There’s a grocery store across the street from it on the same side of the street as the bank, and I ended up going in there to buy something, too, which I also hoped would lessen the chances of her seeing me. It hurt so bad not stopping by to say hi. It used to be that if I was in town and I was going thro there I would. I knew she was working when I went by there. Because of the bus schedule, I didn’t have much of a choice otherwise, not to mention the fact that my backpack was really heavy and that in combination w/ my knee made me really reluctant to try to take a more lengthy route. I don’t even know if she saw me, but I didn’t look across the street to find out. I didn’t want to know. I wondered if she saw me if she’d think I was there to try to see albert at work, but I had no interest in that. It was also slightly out of the way, and god knows what the fuck all of his coworkers have already heard about me n this whole fucked up situation. I wonder what cyn’s coworkers have all heard, too, cuz they used to see me there all the time. Sometimes I would just hang out there, even if I didn’t have laundry to do myself. I’m sure that they’ve asked about it, or someone has. It honestly in a way makes me scared to walk around town or campus cuz what if one of them sees me? I know I should care what others think, especially since its based on lies, but I’m so sick of this shit!
I spent Saturday night drinking more and playing more sims. I thought about calling rob, then I thought about only texting him, (reanna was out of town this weekend and I don’t know who else I might possibly be able to hang out w/), and ultimately decided I felt too shitty to really do anything that night.
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]