Sleepless @ MindSay 
night
How do you describe that feeling of missing someone so hard it hurts?
When You just saw them naught but two hours prior?
On the drive home, I felt myself breaking in the seat next to him, knowing I wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow morning, like I'd gotten used to over the past year. And it'd be like that next year.
Sometimes you feel so.... helpless? Hopeless? I had to start singing along to the cd to keep from slowly crying.
Sometimes one has to wonder why the big guy upstairs gave us hearts and minds to feel with. Because sometimes, it hurts....
I look like this--> O__O
I'm thinking about taking the dog out for an early morning poo and smoke. No, I'm not going to smoke the poo, I'm going to have a cig while my dog decides if he's going to poo or not. The only reason I'm so damn awake is because I never ever drink coffee, which means my tolerance for caffeine is incredibly low. The bottle of the strawberry shit, says it contains the caffeine equivalent of 1 cup of coffee per bottle of crystal light. I drank 3 bottles. Earlier I was literally bouncing off the walls. I actually put in my headphones and raved out to techno music in my room....good thing no one was watching. :D
It is 2:45 AM. I am tired. I have had two hours of sleep. At this point I see no relief in sight for either myself or my husband. I had hoped to send him to his family in Atlanta for three weeks, three weeks where I could get some rest. But his health is so bad, and the photopheresis treatments are spaced such that that is no longer an option. My house is a wreck, I haven't felt motivated enough to clean in weeks. I go from home directly to work and from work directly to home. I have no room to even breath. On weekends I just sit here, watching TV or movies with him, jumping up and down for everything he needs or wants. I sleep when he sleeps, except during the day when I have to work and he sleeps.
This week he has two doctors appointments and day surgery to put in a central line so we can continue the photopheresis.I have to check to see if I can get a handicapped parking license plate and I have to start work on trying to get him some kind of scooter or something. I hate having to deal with the insurance company but at least I am thankful we have health insurance.
I am taking the antidepressant but it doesn't seem to be working. Every time someone asks me abou my husband I can rattle off everything that is going on, what drugs he is taking, what the prognosis is for him, but if anyone asks me how I am doing, I am immediately in tears. Even now just typing that sentence starts me crying again. I am loosing my mind, or at least myself.
I am tired.
As you can probably tell from the time on this post, I am not sleeping very well. I have been dozing off and on for some time, but I am getting so stressed that I now feel like my skin is trying to crawl off of me. I even took one of those little purple pills I have from the doctor when it gets really bad and I still am clawing at my skin. Oh well, hopefully it will kick in soon.
I thought that when the lastest release of the software went out the door that would help, but already tech support has complained about the documentation even though having it for a week did not generate any comments from them before we released the sofware. Of course once it is out the door, then they have all these comments. I spent most of yesterday testing the software for something that happens on occasion with this last release but I can't get it to happen consistently, so of course QA thinks it is user error. I guess if enough customers hit it, then they will have to look at it.
My supervisor of course then throws us all for a loop, wanting to release one of the other software applications we have THIS month. I told him previously that the documentation was so out of date and the new release has so many new items in it that it would be a major overhaul of all of the documentation. Plus I know from past experience with the programmer assigned to the application and the QA person assigned that there will be major issues with the application.My supervisor wrote the use cases for the application which means things were forgotten in updating the code, he thinks what we do is so easy. So he wants the documentation for a beta release of the software by the middle of the month and the final release of the software to everyone at teh end of the month.
I asked my friend to help with this process even though it is really not part of his job. I feel bad about that. He does so much outside of his "job" responsibilities in order to help me, but I know that there will be issues and he is the only one who will be able to identify problems and get them to acknowledge there is an issue with software instead of blowing us off. He is my best friend and I hate feeling like he is being taken advantage of at the office becasue they know he will help us out.
I don't know whether this is helping or hurting tonight, in the past, the blog has helped. Maybe that little pill is starting to kick in....I hope so. There is more I want and need to write, but not right now.
In our house people sleep in shifts, I don't think any of us ever really sleep more than a couple hours. Around 2 a.m.on Friday morning, I got up and went to the living room to watch TV. In a few minutes my husband comes down the stairs and sits on the sofa across from me. He starts saying he is feeling weird, and getting that wild look in his eyes which I know means his blood sugar is low. I bring his testing kit and it is 90. I head upstairs to get some bottles of orange juice. After quickly drinking two and waiting a few minutes he is acting more wild. He is rolling on the couch, yelling, and pounding his fists on the sofa. At some point we both end up on the floor as I test his blood sugar again, 64, even worse. I give him two more bottles of juice but he continues to roll around on the floor, pounding the chairs and floor with his fists, pushing the sofas, chair, and rug around with his feet, and then throwing himself backwards, yelling the entire time. I have to keep moving around on the floor to stop him from slamming his head on the floor. Usually 2 bottles of orange juice will get him straight, but not tonight. After 5 or 10 minutes he is not getting any better so I end up calling the paramedics.
The guy on the other end of the line could hear him yelling and kept me on the phone more I think to keep me calm instead of getting any more information. In what seemed like an hour but really was only a couple of minutes, 6 paramedics are in my living room working on him. By that point he had gotten quiet and wedged himself between a chair and the wall, using one of the sofa cushions as a pillow. We all assumed that the orange juice had kicked in finally as I went over his list of meds with one of the paramedics and he was talking with the paramedics. They checked his blood sugar, 49, that is not good at all. So they start an IV and push glucose as fast as they can. This isn't the watery stuff you think of from a hospital but in a tube with a big thick syringe. It looks more like syrup or is as close as they can get to syrup to get it into his system fast. Sooff we go to the ER.
Once we get to the ER I find out that his doctor had given him a different sliding scale to use for his insulin to see if that provided better control of his blood sugars. Well that didn't work out as they planned. So I sit in the corner of the room as he sleeps as we wait to see how fast his blood sugars come up. this ER doctor I have not met before. We are such regulars at the ER that tehre are a couple that recognize my husband as soon as he comes through the door. After almost 4 hours, they release him and we come home. He goes to bed and I straighten the furniture in the living room before I head upstairs to take a nap. Everything looks normal.
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