Sleeping @ MindSay 
sleep
I drown.
I drown in an ocean of questions. I kick my way through doubts and memories. I struggle for air, only to realize the air is your scent, and I am confused.
I wake up, suddenly, realizing it was no more than a dream, and the ocean was an ocean of tears. My tears.
Afraid to fall asleep, I lie in my bed, staring in to darkness, and I remember how the thought of you always colored the shadows. I take a few breaths, cautiously, as I expect to find your scent as my air. I reach a false state of calm - a gray zone that I have been walking through since you've been gone.
I organize my thoughts. I line them up in my mind - my army of questions, ready for inspection. I shudder as I feel each one pierce me like a dagger. But then I realize that it is only one question in my mind, one weight pulling at my heart:
Why are you in such a hurry to forget?
It is the same question over and over, circling me as I lie in my bed. It taunts me, and tortures me with each possible answer.
I do not understand. I find no logic. Logic ran away when pain settled in. But I do not miss it; I know that logic will not feel like a moment in your arms.
And these questions only eliminate the remains of your voice and what's left of your scent. In the war inside my soul, the questions kill off the memories.
But then again, why remember?
Memories keep us bound to the past, blinding us to what happens in the present. But if the present isn't exactly what we had hoped for in the past, is it such a crime to wish to keep living something we liked?.. Is it such a crime to wish to keep something we loved? Love is so rare and precious, it's worth fighting for. Can you not see that?
And as tears once again run down my face, each one falling and whispering "why", I am startled as I hear a familiar sound.
My cellphone. As the ringtone grows louder, I am amazed to hear my heartbeat drown it out. I look at the screen, and there you are, summoned from the depths of my desires.
I answer, and your voice once again colors the shadows. You tell me you love me, and my heart believes you. You assure me that I am the one, and I can detect no lie as I see your voice in my mind.
I do not want to think. I am just grateful that my tears have stopped. As I hang up, I can breathe your scent once again, and your voice still sings to me. There is no pain. There is no logic. There's only the feeling of your arms wrapped around me as I am finally able to go to sleep. I embrace my dreams fearlessly, for I know that whenever I reach out, I will find your hands this time, if only in my dream. I am content for what's left of the night, even though I know that tomorrow, I will greet the day soaked in an ocean of doubts and memories once again.
We decided to go shopping before the zoo, my sister and I! What a great day we had planned. And it was going so well! Out of the six major Thrift World Stores in the Metro area of Omaha, we hit two. The two nicest ones with the Brand Name clothes! One on the Northwest side of Omaha and one on the Southeast side of Omaha near the Zoo.
What a great way to end our mini camping trip that just turned in to being a mini stay at my sister's house due to the varying weather that kept popping up! Instead of staying at the really nice free camp grounds we stayed at my sister's house for a few days, I wasn't going to chance being caught near a big man made lake that had extermly high levels near the banks of the camp ground!
Anyway, after a GREAT haul of a summer woredrobe for both kids from two different thrift shops and then treating the kids to lunch, we headed to Henery Dooley (sp?) Zoo for a nice afternoon. It started out great! We hit the Jungle, the Sea Lions, the Garden of Senses, the Cat House, part of the Avaiary, the Gorrila House, the Cat Complex, the feeding time for the smaller tropical birds, the Desert Dome, and the Giaraff House. With smaller enclousers along the way of course! Of course pictures are on here! Enjoy!
While we were just ouside of the New Butterfly House and the Aquareme deciding which one we were going to go in first before we started heading to the town were my van was sitting so the kids and I could head home and my sister and her kids could head home, we heard the tornado sirins go off! Now I know why so many ppl get killed in public places during storms! The tornado sirns go off and the majority of the Zoo visitors head for the Goddess Dayum parking lots! I kid you not! Well being country girls, my sister and I herd the kids to the aquarememe (sp?) house under the canapoy and bust out our cell phones. Each of us respectively calling our hubby's, asking them why the hell neither one of them called to tell us there was a storm system heading straight at Omaha! We informed both of them that we were heading for the storm shelters in the Fish house and we would call once the storm passed. Then we hearded the kids towards one of the Zoo Workers holding a door open to the basement of the complex leading to the exective offices and we were one of the first groups down.
There were a few other ppl down there already but what we found the most funny out of this was that everyone single person down there including us, were NOT from Omaha persay but from the surrounding communities and areas! We are NOT fools! While the main secruity guy was telling us and the few zoo workers what the plan was, he was getting reports from the weather radio and the few of us that stopped and made calls. Then he asked us to sit tight, while he and his other crew went outside to go round up the rest of the Zoo visitors and get them inside various zoo complexes till the storm passed.
We had a couple of upset kids of course, my daughter being one of them, and a lot of upset ppl, including ball players that stuck around after the College World Series before they went home. Those of us from the midwest were laughing and joking and calming the kids down. We kept telling everyone that we are in one of the safest buildings and don't worry about the animals they know what to do and the zoo workers were making sure they were safe also. Once all the zoo workers got in the main secruity guy came back in to our basement and said it was pitch black out and winds up to 90-100 miles per hour and they would not know if a tornado hit till after it was clear out. The lights did go out and thankfull the generator kicked on right away.
After we got the okay to clear out and leave the zoo, we got some pictures of the damage done in side the zoo. Down trees and one of the heavy glass safety entrance doors to the Wild Kingdom Palliviallion was completely blown off and laid gently down in front of the Pavillion! I missed that picture! There was hail everywhere! We had to make our way out of the Eastern Side of Omaha back towards the I-10 exit so we could head to Freemont NE which is an hour Northeast of Omaha, where my van was sitting! Damage everywhere! While driving the news said, the Art Festival got hit hard downtown Omaha, there was a boat taken off of a dock in the Missiouri and was dropped on the roof of a house, trees blocking roads, and down electrical poles all over Omaha downtown/metro area! We stopped on the outskirts of town to feed the kids and the Taco Johns we hit had running TVS. The area heading to Fremont NE was hit hard also and a semi rig was entangled in electrical wires! Cars of the road, rigs off the road, and major damage. This system worked its way into IA and massive damage and two killed on the IA side.
We got detoured outside of a town between Omaha and Fremont due to massive damage and accidents. Where I got a phone call from Randy when he got home. My dog Spud died during the day yesterday! Randy was upset and of course the kids and I were very upset also, but we also knew the dog was going to end up dying on us. Spud was the dog with the unknown seizures. At first Randy thought he somehow choked while he was outside on the chain but when he went up to examine Spud, there was plenty of slack in the chain and the collar would have slipped right off of his neck (we made sure that it could slip off if he was caught up when running or on the chain if something would have happened). The way Spud was laying and his facial features, you could tell he had a massive siezure. So trying to find our way on back country roads and county paved hiways we didn't know to get back into Fremont, we had upset kids and nobody was out directing the traffic. My sister and I again being country girls said fuck it and got on a country road and started heading towards the sun because Northwest was where we wanted to head. We picked up a truck in front of us from our home area just a different county and he had the same idea. We got rerouted via the roads with no help from anyone due to big trees, silos, fencing, and other debries in the mushy gravel roads! A normal 1 hour drive from Omaha to Fremont took 2 hours!
Once we got to a lil town Southeast of Fremont which would have been the quickest route we got denied by a State Trooper directing traffic. Nobody was allowed into town where a small lake was surrounded wiht houses and such due to the damage! They weren't letting anyone through not even family members of the town or land owners with no houses. Ambulances and Fire trucks were all over the town and two of the rural fire trucks were making their way towards the other road leading to Fremont. We just turned around and followed the fire trucks into Fremont. Finally! Fremont NE had no major damage. Some trees down and some windows broken but no major damage. Then we pull up into the truck stop where we left my van. I got a lovely suprise! My rear windsheild was blown out or a rock got kicked up in the storm! I have no rear windshield now! Nothing was stolen. But everything was glass covered clear up to the front seat and everything was water logged! Thank GODS I had what ever paperwork I did have in there in sacks and covered up! My Leadership Manual alone would have cost me 100 some dollars to replace if it got water logged or damaged somehow!
So I called Randy yet again and told him we FINALLY made it into Fremont but I would be still a lot later because we had to clean up the glass and find places for the kdis to sit with out getting cut up! Thankfull we were able to pull a couple of the pillows from underneith my tent that dind't have glass on it and give those to the kids to sit on. My sister handed over one of her towels so I could sit on it while driving. And then we rearrange the back so none of my Thrift shop finds, my tents, sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, or other camping gear would go flying out for my hour drive home! I ended up pulling over twice on the way home to rearrange my back but FINALLY my normal two hour drive ended up being a 4 hour and 45 minute drive and we made it home at 8:45pm. where we promptly unloaded the van and shop vaccued it out so I could get some plastic on the windshield due to more storms coming this weekend.
After we got that done, we gave Spud my Fat Man Dog a burial worthy of a King. See we couldn't bury him. The ground is too wet and his smell would draw the local wild dog pack and the local coyote pack. Not to mention all the other wild critters int he area. So we took my lovely burn pile Randy made up for me this weekend and gave Spud a Funeral Pry. We didn't want any other anmals digging him up and eating on him. Randy loaded him on the bonfire and I threw some sage, cedar chips, and sweet grass all over Spud and we said a lil blessing for him and said our goodbyes.
Now today, I get to call his old family and inform them that he is gone. I am doing laundry from the back of my van and going to take the kids down to my girl's house because they are still stressed from last night. A lil fun down at Aunties house and coming home about the time Daddy gets home from work will do them good.
Now I am off to throw another sleeping bag into the wash! Pictures to come after this post!
I find it strange that on Saturday, the day I'm supposed to have all to myself, I still wake up in time to make it into the office at the appropriate week day time. Apparently I am well rested and have a good sleep schedule. Although I think I would prefer the decadence of sleeping a few hours later.
I am getting a cold. I blame my husband, he had it first.
So, embarassing confession. I have recently discovered a television show called "Prison Break" and I am now, spending my early Saturday morning obsessively prowling the internet to try and find full episodes that I can watch. I foolishly netflixed the show rather than purchasing the entire DVD package, so I was left at a loss last night when the episodes on the DVD ran out and I was desperate to find out what else happens.
I get like this with TV shows. I know its a totally lame medium, but there is something about the serialized delivery of plot that really works for me, that makes it easy to come back. I begin to care about the people in the show, intrigued with what is going to happen next and really want to see what happens for their own good. It's bizarre, they become real to me.
Prison Break is the new obsession. I am pretty hooked on the story. The show focuses on two brothers, one of which is on death row for a murder he didn't commit. So the other brother, in a dramatic show of filial loyalty, gets himself thrown into the same prison (which, consequently, he helped design because he is a structural engineer) with the plan to break them out and disappear into South America, never to be heard from again. Michael is kind of a strange mix of a total bad ass, my grandpa, and Macgyver. He is able to do things mechanically that are quite impressive, he can handle himself in a prison riot (even managing to save the day) and is a total bad ass. I would've totally fallen for him in college, mostly because he wouldn't be interested at all in anyone falling for him. Or falling for anyone himself, is probably a better way to put it.
This of course, involves a complicated back story which I won't get into here, and, of course, things get complicated once actually in the prison. The circle of escapees widen as life happens, and then a nice little twist gets thrown in when Michael and the prison Doctor, Sarah, begin to have feelings for each other.
Beyond Macgyver comparisons, Michael is an interesting character. He seems cold and distant, but then he comes up with these lines that just hit you in the stomache and make you realize that he has a lot happening emotionally that he just chooses not to share. Which is completely appealing and how I want to be. For example, with Michael and Sarah, the Doctor. He is seeing her fairly regularly because he needs insulin, because he is diabetic (he isn't, actually, but regular access to the infirmary is crucial to the plan) and flirtation develops to the point where they actually talk about their attraction to each other. And then Michael needs the key to the infirmary to finish their escape plan, the key that Sarah has in her pocket when he goes for his shot. After taking about half an hour to roll his shirt up, Michael leans in and kisses her, and you think, "Oh, he is kissing her to distract her while he lifts the keys from her," but the camera quickly deflects that allusion as it does an insert shot of her pocket with the keys still in it. He doesn't take the key, instead he asks her to wait for him, and says "there will be a time when there won't be these walls, when we won't be in this place,"in a way that makes you understand Wentworth Miller's plan in playing him so cold.
I feel fairly confident that they are going to get out of the prison, but I don't know how they are going to get out of the prison, and I doubt very much that it will go smoothly. I am pretty excited to see how it happens, but I am proud to say that I am going to wait until the DVD arrives from Netflix, rather than rush out and purchase the episodes on itunes.
Because I have more important things in my life than TV.
Right?
I am really really pathetic, such a living waste of space, just another useless human being that has outlived it's usefulness...Every day I wake up and think to myself, have I unexpectedly passed my expiration date? What am I living for? I don't see myself as having a future in anything other than wallowing in my own self-hate and misery, becoming homeless or getting institutionalized in a mental ward. And mind you this is as soon as I wake up in the morning. I always sound so pathetic and whiney, like my problems outweigh everyone elses...as if everyone elses problems in the world don't mean shit when compared to mine. Then again I do find refuge in the fact that someone else out there might actually have it worse than I do.
I've lived such a fucked up existence. I can't help but feel that maybe I just wasn't meant to be and as a result of living beyond my death date everything I'm experiencing now is just a glimpse of what my personal hell will be like. Because I can honestly tell you right now, that if there is a hell it would be repeating my life over and over again, without any recollection of me knowing so. It truly would be a living hell.
I've been doing a lot of drugs this week. Pretty much baked myself silly the past few days... getting drunk then popping sleeping pills. Basically sleeping entire days away. It's so hard not to show these things when I'm around other people, but then again I wonder if they know I'm actually depressed, but choose not to acknowledge it, just like everything else wrong with me. I think people push it aside for some reason and still choose to be around me. Perhaps it's because I can put on one hell of a mask. I've always been good at lying.
I want to see a psychiatrist, but monetary-wise I wouldn't be able to afford it any time soon, nor would I be able to conceal it from my parents...so it's basically out of the question for the next two years of my life, assuming I live that much longer. Once I graduate from college and start working for a living/move away I will immediately seek out psychiatric help....I just hope I can make it that long without cracking again.
I'm also crying right now. Don't now why, but I always get a little emotional when I type up this blog. It's rather annoying. Going to sleep now and not wake up until two or three p.m....that's my life.
So, my brother had this video emailed to him by our aunt and I just now found it on MySpace. Totally hilarious! The pics are of my parents' three cats: Nipper is the Siamese/Hymilan, Jinx is the Bengal, and Pinkie is Persian and something mixed. Anyways, Mum, my brother, and I have laughed so hard about this and I hope you enjoy it too.
Bad Pussy
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