I  went on Wednesday to a funeral. It's the first one I've been to.

I wore my blazer for the first time that day.  I was planning on wearing it for a school open-house, but I dislocated my knee-cap two days before, so that didn't pan out.

The reason I went was the reason a majority of my senior class went: the mother of one of our classmates (we call him Beast sometimes) died.  She died on March 27, 2008, a few days after her birthday on Easter.

Our school talks a lot about how much brotherhood the school has. We all thought it was just a joke when we started going here, but there we were, overfilling the pews. 

There were only 6 guys out of the two hundred and thirty-something that didn't go.  Those of us didn't know Beast's mom or Beast himself went anyway to show him that he wasn't alone and that his class supported him.

We got to leave from school a bit after 10, and we were supposed to come back before 1:45, just in time for one more class.  Many of the guys were planning on skipping because it was pointless. 

Even I, Mr. Follow the rules, was considering skipping, but I couldn't decide, so I borrowed a coin, a Sacajawea coin, with the mother and the baby pictured on it, before the ceremony started.  I was gonna flip it after: Heads, I go back to school; tails, skip.

It was a Catholic funeral, so there was the whole mass bit.  There were 3 priests there, one was from our school.  The other two used to serve at the church; one had this really deep monotone voice.  He sounded like some robotronic martian.  I was fighting back a smirk and trying not to laugh when I first heard him talk;  I was so glad that he wasn't the main speaker.

When we went up for communion, I let the priest know that I wasn't Catholic, so he gave me a blessing instead:"May we all be united one day in the kingdom of Tracy [Beast's mother]."

It wasn't very emotional until the end.  Beast's family came up one by one to say a few words.  There wasn't that much crying until that point, I guess it's because it just hit them that they were finally saying good-bye.  I found myself fighting back a few tears as well.

When it was Beast's turn to speak, he started off by saying,"I promised myself that if my mom could fight off cancer for two years, that I could fight off tears for two minutes."  That broke a lot of the tension in the church.  He did pretty well for most of it, but you could tell there was a lot of emotion in his voice, and he paused sometimes to recompose himself.  I'm not used to seeing a classmate cry; it was...weird.

After everyone said their good-byes to Beast's mother, we went outside to release three doves.  I watched them fly off.  The third one flew off a bit late, but caught up with the other two pretty quickly.

The seniors then started talking amongst themselves on where they were going for lunch, and whether or not they were going back to school. 

I realized at that point that I would have nothing to do for an hour if I did.  My mom would probably yell at me if I did, and that's never a good thing.  So I just returned Sacajawea -- I didn't even flip the coin.  I was going back to school, along with half the class.

For the rest of the day we asked, "why did I come back?"

If you have another chance, whether it be the second or the millionth... why not take it?

You'll live in misery and bitterness for something gone wrong.

It's not that hard to start over.

People do it everyday.

So instead of giving up and leaving the crows to pick.

Give it a c h a n c e .

The Spirits

Grandmother's voice

leaves a sound in the empty house

years after her death

her wisdom lives on

the deserted house

is my refuge

a safe harbor from the world

walking around

looking at the home

she created

and what it is now

a place for spirits

to come and rest

their tired souls

tired from walking

"Son, grab a chair

and sit at this table, boy

I got some stories to tell"

drinking green tea, inhaling deeply

and remembering, reminiscing

"... this world is a different place now,

you've got to move ahead,

you've got to move faster than

the rest"

silence is golden

in front of the fireplace

saying nothing, but again

words don't speak

whispering soft words of comfort

but don't let anger be brought in here

for hell will break loose

for they are spirits,

and spirits don't play

Weeping Willow

don't got nothing on

Mary Ann;

the tragic mulatto story

who had dreams

but no guidance,

but now here to guide those

who seek the advice

of the spirits

hearing my grandfather's troubled spirit

creak through the house

wondering where the family went

"did not they loved us in life,

why depart us in death"

but still pleased by the thought

that a blood son still returns

often

to seek advice

the spirits

have stories

have secrets

have wisdom

to tell

about baby Jo,

who died 4 days old

an embarrassment

to Aunt JoAnn

who killed herself in

anguish

her room is still haunted

the spirits are my second

family

my relief place

get away from the world

a refresher

a breather

'"come, sit,

have a drink"

the spirits...

are waiting.

today is a weird day for me, but one thing was clear: friends are phony as fuck and you should watch your back when you are dealing with them, because they say a lot of shit about you to your back and to your face act all lovey dovey and shit.

not that this happened to me, but it happened to someone that i love very much

i still haven't told nilly nile how i felt about her, i've been called almost every name in the book and still i won't tell her

my feet are hurting from playing basketball and ballroom dancing

i went to every class today, but i fell asleep in biology and i didn't dress up in gym

but i hope you like my poem, it's an old one i wrote about 4 months ago.

happy reading, spread the word

justin

aka

DiStAnT vOyAgEr

Hello...This weekend was pretty fun, I just went a chilled at Tylers, which was pretty fun..i cant put all the details on here cuz its not a "secure line" if you know what i mean,lol...Hah, but anyways, I just got back from school a little while ago, its so damn nice out, i just came home cuz i think im in trouble...lol, seriously, im a disgrace to every rebel that ever lived,...

alright, so I didnt want to go to 5th period, so me and a friend were just gonna leave school and chill in the sun or something, but my friend decided that she would call the school and act like my mom and say that i had an appointment or something, so she did....and just to my luck the school called my mom to "verify" that i had an appointment, cuz lots of people have been skipping lately...so my mom was just all confused by this, and she called me at lunch so I just played stupid and acted like I had no idea what was going on..haha, such a damn rebel! But seriously...its getting bad, everytime i try to skip i always get caught!..i guess its some kind of 'sign', lol...oh well...

Well tonite is my sisters 5th grade band concert...WOOT..haha sadly i kinda want to go...theres lots of good memories from those concerts,lol...I'll probably get ellen to come with me cuz she has no life an all, hah. Hm, i think im gonna go sit on the roof and try to tan!