Skinny @ MindSay

I haven't told anyone, but I have really felt lousy the past couple of weeks.  I kept having terrible pain in my belly, but I thought maybe it was a virus.  It's not....  Tuesday night, I woke up in such excrutiating pain, that I kept fainting every time I tried to stand up.  My daughter took me to the hospital and I was admitted.  A bunch of tests later, no diagnosis except for, I have "angry" intestines.  Some type of intestinal bacteria/infection that is kicking my ass.  No wonder I felt so lousy.  But, on the total upside, I haven't been able to wear a regular size hospital gown for years because I was too fat.  They gave me a normal person hospital gown!!  I wasn't even asked if I need a bigger size!  It fit, it tied, and was a little too big!  They even used a regular size blood pressure cuff!  So, yeah, I feel like shit, but the hospital gown fit!  I'm getting to be a skinny bitch!

Well, right now I'm 16 and have had anorexia in and off for about 3 years. It started when I was 13, and needed to lose weight. I lost it, and then couldn't stop losing more. I would have lost a lot more, my thinking was that if I looked thin at 89 lbs, I would look a whole lot thinner( and better) at 80 lbs, but my weight loss plans were put to a stop by my mom deviating with the doctor. It ended with me fainting on the doctors floor..
And then I went through a terrible year where I gained everything back. I couldn't lose it, and I couldn't stop eating. I felt completely out of control. But that ended last year, with me losing it all again. But then I just recetly gained it back..I feel terrible about myself. I just want my fat to go away. My friends say I look fine..but I don't believe them.
So here is my blog of my new life. I'm starting it over again. Excercising; counting calories; going to bed with that familiar hungry feeling; hiding the fact that I don't eat; bring it on.
I know I have a eating disorder; I tried to make myself throw up today, but then caught myself by saying I just wouldn't eat anything else today. But I don't care.
" Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
That is so true..I'm not eating anything else today..

soooo I think tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself for the first time in a very long time...I'm scared.
Today has been a good day so far. I've only eaten 245 calories, but I don't know what dad is going to make me eat for dinner. Hopefully I won't go over the 600 calorie a day range. I hate it when my mom makes a delicious looking desert. She made strawberry chiffon pie, but I didn't eat any. So I think I'm doing pretty good for first day.
I ran today for 20 minutes, or 4 times around the track at school. I also ran up and down our staircase like 10 times, and did crunches, push ups, and stretching. I just wish I was super skinny right now..

I think I want to ask for help. I don't really want to talk to my parents because I have a feeling they will just sufficate me and no one wants that. But I do want to get over somethings and move on with my life. I really feel like my problems with how a see myself and how I deal with it are hindering all the opportunities that I have. I constantly feel like I won't ever acheive at anything, so why bother? I think thats where the binging comes in.."I won't ver look good, so why not eat whatever the hell I want?" and then I feel guilty about it.

I was a awful compulsive-eater until I was probably 16. I've really managed to control it now and I believe that's why I'm not 183 lbs anymore. Although I never kicked the mentality of eating = bad, thus purge. I'm sitting here, right now, eating some whole grain rice and I'm already anticipating when its going into my toilet. I've only thrown up one meal today. Yeasterday I threw up three different times and proceded to consume an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Not that getting drunk had anything to do with it other than hard liquer just makes me feel good about myself.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't want to feel the way I've been feeling for the past decade. After sitting and thinking about it yeasterday (gotta love days off of work. plenty of time to wallow) I went through some of my old journals just to get an idea of what I was like. The first entry I ever wrote about purging was on January 2nd, 2001. I was 11 years old and I wrote that my parents found out a few months before that I was bulimic and were sending my to a psychologist. I wrote about how my parents just don't understand how I felt.

I came across another entry where I called myself a fat ass. And pages of food logs and calorie counts. Countless journal entries about how I hated myself and needed to lose weight to feel good. I realized that I have not changed my mindset at all. I'm a nineteen year old woman and I still despise myself like the little eleven year old me did.

If I haven't fixed this myself in the last 8 years, then I might need help. But am I ready? I need to makes myself ready and I just need to do it before my teeth start rotting away and my heart becomes weak. I'm just so terrified of gaining weight. I am absolutely horrified of it. I really feel like I've come a long way and I'm proud of myself to an extent. Do I want to lose more weight? absolutely.

Lately I've just been obsessing over it. I've been reading nutrition material, working out 3-4 times a week, trying to eat healthy..I'm trying so hard to do it the honest, healthy way but its so difficult when I think "well, I can eat that and just get rid of it." I don't purge to lose weight, I do it to not gain weight. i know I won't lose weight by doing that. I never have.

A guy friend of mine with whom I've recently shared the tip of the iceberg that is my issue-filled life tries to be so sweet and make me feel better. I'll say a girl is pretty and he'll come back with "no. way too thin." He's making an attempt to make me feel better about myself and he really tries but thats not going to change me. I don't know what will, but I want to find out. I've actually been crying about it lately. I fucking HATE crying, but I just feel so lost.

Dear Diary,

Another day. Yes, it was pretty much the same. Breakfast? Wow. I wouldn't dare! I took about 5 pills today, you know, the ones that are supposed to make you skinny. Worse was when Mum forced me to eat lunch. I had to vomit it out in the bathroom when she was in teh living room. I mean, what do you excpect me to do?? I'm 163 cm tall and i way 45 KG!!! 45!! 45!...

i don't believe teh stupid friends and family that tell em I'm skinny enough. They just want me to stay fat so that no guys like me - worse, so that NOBODY likes me! And what the hell?! I'm not sick! I'll stop right away when I get a bit skinnier. When I get that flab off my legs and my arms and ugh. I'm so fat.

 

All the models, singers, actresses... God! They are so friggin pretty! You know why? Cuz they're skinny! They have nice hip bones and you can see their shoulder bones.. If I was liek them, life would've been beautiful! Sometimes, I cannot look in teh colourful magazines anymore, comparing them to myself... But one day, I'll have those beautiful sticking-out-bones too and then it will al be perfect. Someday.

 

This was made up. But girls, trust me, it really is like that. Don't let anorexia suck you in and spit your life out.