Sketchbook @ MindSay

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Before I went to sleep last night, I laid awake in bed for a few hours and for the first time in several weeks, possibly even months - I cut myself again.
That's not to say I've gone all this time without actually self-harming, for I've hit my head on things, punched myself, burned myself - hurt myself in ways that didn't involve a blade and a cut.
I cut both of my arms, starting with the left and going up from the wrist to the shoulder - then on the right from the shoulder down to the wrist.

I had to tell Shelly, and I couldn't tell her until I'd dragged her up to the 4th floor to sit on the stairs. We ended up getting worked up over it, sort of bordering-on arguing, but not quite. Even Shelly could see I'd hurt myself a lot more than usual.

So I'm back to the paranoia that follows - the constant long sleeves, the hiding yourself with the towel after a shower and the having to hold onto sleeve cuffs incase they ride up.
Sigh.

I keep thinking about Sarah's one-to-one yesterday.
She suggested I go back to see Dianne. But I was Dianne's longest client. We're only supposed to go for 8 weeks, I was there for 20. I don't want to go back because I'll feel selfish, like a liability who's abusing the system... Sigh.

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Photography was a waste of time.
Paul made us all go out into the college grounds and the areas around it and take photos.
The area is bland and uninspiring - I got a few reasonable photos, but most are pretty shit - and none of them will even fit into any of my chosen categories. They're just misc. crap.

Although I am feeling a little better about my sketchbook - the amount of work I did over the holidays will indeed account towards filling the pages.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #65

Blood, Bloody & Bloodier!

 

 

Today has been the most meaningful session I've spent with Dianne yet.

I brought along a copy of Regenbogen Streifen and let her read it.

 

Together, I've discovered even more ambiguity and double-meanings to a lot of the sections.

 

For instance - the part I wrote about crossing the road mindlessly and being saved by a stranger before I was ran over - this actually refers to February 2008 where I attempted suicide by walking out into main road.

Though, the day I wrote Regenbogen Streifen, I was walking to the bus station - there was a disabled boy walking in front of me. I've seen him in college, I think he has Down's Syndrome, or something similar.

Either way, we got to a crossing, and I looked at him as if to say: "Hey, wait until I go over, then it'll be safe."- and he did; because I knew he'd have just went straight over otherwise.

I continued on, he still walking in front of me - until we came to a second crossing. He went to cross as traffic was still going by and the red man was still displayed - a woman behind us grabbed him by the arm and stopped him.

 

Also - the sections about sex - I refer to my hands as "useless appendages" - although the narrator is not gendered, the people they desire are clearly gendered as female. Obviously, it's written as myself, so it's from the perspective of a lesbian - but it could be viewed as a male desiring these females, and the "useless appendage" could refer to his penis.

 

We both agree that I'm far better in writing than I am verbally.

I know this myself, I communicate myself and my feelings across far better in writing than I do speaking.

This is why I'll only ever use text speak shorthand for comedic effect. Everything I write is written in continual prose - even on MSN and online forums I write in fully punctuated sentences.

 

I know my punctuation has a spazzy fit on my blog though - I use dashes in proper random places.

 

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After my session, I went and sat on the square tables - took out my sketchbook, plugged in Lisa and the "NEW PLAYLIST" (which I've recently updated), and wrote 3 pages of analysis to stick into my sketchbook.

When they're stuck in, I'll have completed around 10 pages.

 

My "NEW PLAYLIST" now has 170 songs, instead of the previous 150.

I deleted it totally and started again - this time adding some overlooked favourites.

 

Ashleigh and Shelly came into college not long before their A block lesson - sat with me for a while and talked.

One of the chairs was taken up by my tuppaware box - containing my 3 litres of fake blood.

Today was the day of my Photography exam, and I was absolutley shitting it.

 

While those two were in A block, I resorted to Solitaire.

I'd been distracted from my sketchbook work - and once that happens, it's difficult for me to get back into the right mindset to continue with it.

 

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After they'd came back - we all walked into town, first stopping off at the Dundas Arcade so I could buy an ox heart.

£1.70 - which isn't bad. Pig's hearts are about 35-45p, and ox hearts are considerably bigger.

And considerably HEAVIER. They must weigh about 2 stones.

Thankfully, Ashleigh said I could hang it on her handles as I was pushing her. This took a bit of strain off my arms.

 

We stopped off at Home Bargains and Greggs - then went and sat in a different place yet again.

We sat by the text tower in the centre, on the black stone bricks.

THEY'RE FUCKING FREEZING.

I sat on it and squealed as the cold penetrated my arse cheeks. Shelly did the same, rofl.

 

I did vow to myself that I wasn't going to eat a lot of chocolate, incase nerves and squeamishness got to me during my exam shoot and I ended up vomiting - but I changed my mind and ate a Terry's Chocolate Orange bar and a chocolate bunny with praline in the middle.

I bought two of those, but I did save one for later on.

 

I'd bought Sprite today - a variation on my usual Pepsi.

Sprite makes me feel funny inside.

 

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Walking back to college, I was pretty close to "bottling it", as Shelly puts it.

I had bus fare in my pocket, I could have skipped off the exam and just got the Leven Valley bus back to nana's.

 

Shelly tried reverse psychology on me. She knows I'm almost as childish as she is - so she was like: "Alright, you just go... Come on Ashleigh, we'll leave her..."

 

So eventually I did end up following them with my tail between my legs.

I hadn't actually gone anywhere - they'd just started walking faster in front of me.

 

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Arriving back at college, we had around 20 minutes before E block - so we sat on the benches in front of Hair & Beauty.

I didn't say much, I was drowning in my own fears.

 

When the time came, Ashleigh practically took me by the arm and pulled me to the lift.

Once inside, I pressed ALL the buttons - and when it got to first floor, I mashed the ONE button, so that the doors kept on opening.

 

I did the same on 2nd floor, until Ashleigh grabbed me by the arms and pulled me away from the panel.

 

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I will say that in Photography - thanks to me - Shelly, Danny and Ashleigh all did NO work.

 

Shelly helped me tape the tarpaulin to the wall below the projector while Paul was setting up a tripod.

Danny was proper facinated by the heart. He was only too happy when I asked if he'd help me get it out of the bag, as I couldn't at the time - my hands were covered in blood.

 

One mint thing though - Amara wasn't in lesson, and Danni-slagface was too squeamish to stay in the room, so she went and hid in the art rooms next door.

Even Jonathan and those two emo slags seemed interested - those who I thought didn't have a high opinion of me. I still think they don't, but at least they weren't arseholes.

 

The first few photos, I'd just tipped blood over my shirt as I held up the heart or a meat cleaver I'd brought along.

Then of course, Shelly tipped the blood over my head - as much as she didn't want to.

(She later admitted to me that she'd felt so guilty about it, she'd gone and cried in the 4th floor toilets.)

 

Ashleigh wasn't as remorseful - she was manning the tripod, taking all the photos. I could see she was secretley enjoying watching me writhe.

 

GOLDEN SYRUP FUCKING HURTS WHEN IT GETS IN YOUR EYES.

 

That happened TWICE - it started dripping down my fringe and running into my eyes. We had to stop twice so I could wipe my eyes down with a baby wipe.

I don't really like the taste of it either, but yeah...

 

Tanya and her friend from Art came in.

They said the printer was broken - they take a chair - they both sit on it, directly behind the tripod and stare at me.

 

"We're coming in to watch."

"Am I honestly that interesting?"

"No, but the printer's broke and we're bored."

"That's nice."

 

Here be some photos:

 

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Rofl, then came the task of cleaning myself up.

It's a good thing that the toilets all have locks to the actual outside door.

 

Ashleigh rinsed out my shirt and my trousers while Shelly mopped my face down and rinsed off some of my hair.

I put on my clean clothes and wiped down my feet and my chest. My hair wasn't totally clean, so I'd thought ahead and brought a baseball cap to wear to the bus stop.

 

I trust them both enough. They've seen me practically naked before - and I them, so what be the problem?

 

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I nearly broke my back walking to the bus stop though.

The heart and the remaining blood was BEYOND heavy.

I had to carry it slung over one shoulder, but even then, it was breaking my back. I sort of alternated between shoulder and arm.

Very thankful when I got to the bus stop and I could put it down.

 

There was this ginger chav sat next to me in the shelter - he kept giving me dodgy looks. Probably because I smelt of golden syrup. Lmao. :)

 

The bus was proper late as well.

I killed time with Lisa and texting Adam.

They were all like: "LOL GINGER CHAV SNIFFING ME." and "OMG PROPER NEED A SHOWER MATE."

 

When I got back to nana's - she'd made me chicken dippers and spaghetti, but I'd proper lost my appetite earlier. I scraped some of the spaghetti, so she put the chicken in the fridge for me.

 

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I was so fucking thankful to get in the shower like.

My hair still felt a bit strange afterwards, but at least it wasn't sticky - and it hadn't gained a pink tinge from the food colouring like I'd expected.

 

I bought a Wii Points card yesterday - I bought two songs on World Tour (Gimme All Your Lovin' and In The Shadows), Streets Of Rage and Super Mario RPG on Virtual Console.

 

I keep missing ONE note on In The Shadows - on both Hard and Expert... Annoyed.

 

Gimme All Your Lovin' is a cover - HOW DARE THEY GIVE AWAY COVER SONGS AS DLC.

It's not an amazing cover either - it's by Wavegroup - and Line 6 do FAR better ZZ Top covers than them.

But I bought it becuase it's a mint song. I'm practically a lifetime ZZ Top fan. :)

 

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I spent the rest of my night playing Streets Of Rage.

I got to the 7th level - the stupid level with the lift, and I got killed.

GAH.

 

I'm going to play the 2-player mode with Shelly on Saturday. She loves this game too. :)

 

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And so continues the upmost shit of Stepping Up.
(And I hate the fact that whenever I write that, I'll write a double E, instead of a double P. It enrages me so...)


Wednesdays continue to be one of the shitter days of the week.
I continue to kick absolute arse - I smashed my Key Skills exam.
I actually did what I did in the practice one in the real one.
It took me the same amount of time, near enough - and I got the same mark: 35/40. :)

An easy pass, so it seems.

I actually spent a lot of time in college with Shelly today.
We felt our privacy was being invaded by having that homphobic blonde cunt wandering around, so we went and sat on the fourth floor stairs.

I watched Shelly play Sonic The Hedgehog on her DS.
I had a go - managed to clear one of the acts on the level that Shelly claims is the hardest on the game.

In Photography, I continued planning out my ideas from yesterday.
I've managed to find a few contextual examples and noted down a lot of possible ideas.

I wanted to buy a sketchbook today, but Paul's told me to wait until Friday.
I'm NOT doing what I did at AS-level - leaving the entire thing till the last second.
I'm not having another mad-panic-dash to get my sketchbook completed.

I'm not ending up DAFT BEHIND.
This time, I'm going to be DAFT AHEAD. :)

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Today has been rather strange.
Considering today was my last full day at college with Ashleigh and Shelly - it didn't really feel like it.

I didn't see Ashleigh until after Photography - but Shelly and I could see her through the window in the Mac room. She looks so cute when she's concentrating. I was sat watching her paint for a few minutes. She really frowns and sucks her cheeks. :)

I asked Shelly not to sit with me during the Photography lesson though - I wanted to get an hour's worth of solid sketchbook completed.
So I listened to Spieluhr on repeat and I got around 9 pages completed during the lesson.
Shelly kept stroking my hair every time she walked past me to go to the printer. :)

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My memory stick is broken. :(
My PC said it needed to be formatted - so I thought fuck it - as I had everything that was saved on it backed up on Mr. Maxtor anyway.
But it then said it couldn't complete the format - and now every time I put it in my PC - all I have to do is click on it once, highlight it, right click - or interact with it in some way - MY WHOLE PC FREEZES.

And the Macs didn't even recognise it today.
I guess I'm going to have to buy a memory stick for next year.
Oh broken Logitech mp3 player - you have served me well.

If Mr. Maxtor broke - I would seriously cry.
EVERYTHING I've ever made/written/accomplished is saved on him.

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Today was the last day that the three of us walked into town together.
I even said as I was pushing Ashleigh through the car park: "Ash, this'll be the last time I push you to town..."
It felt really weird saying that to her. :(

We first stopped off at Boots.
I'd asked Shelly if she'd pay for my cherry flavour lubricant. I was too embarrased to pay for it myself.
Ashleigh actually considered doing it, for the crack of it - but then she bottled it.

The fact she was sat infront of me watching me squirm about it made me blush more.
"I'm not going red..." - I mumbled - which made her laugh more.
Sadistic cow. :)

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I wanted to taste it afterwards - but there was a blockage in the pump.
After a while, Shelly managed to clear it - but that left her with a big handful of excess that had just exploded out once she'd fixed the pump.

She smeared it across my face - a little bit even going in my hair.
This was infront of Ashleigh as well - consider.
Embarrassing... Yet, slightly arousing. :P

Even Ashleigh wanted to taste it.
It's like Cherry Drops - but twice as strong. It smells like them too.
The flavour is REALLY strong - it blows your head off. But it's really sweet.
And sugar free, too! :)

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We went back up to the art rooms once we'd eaten.
Ashleigh showed me her paintings.
They were pretty mint indeed. But of course, I expect nothing less from Ashleigh. :)

After Ash had gone to B block - Shelly and I stayed in the art rooms, working on our sketchooks.
I managed to get mine finished off about 10 minutes before B block started.
We didn't talk much - but we did discuss a few of our photos together.

It was odd - even though we weren't touching or barely speaking - I felt special just having Shelly sat beside me. :)

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I'm sad to admit that yesterday's amazing mood came to an end around 9PM - and it didn't return this morning.
Today is the second day in a row I've gone to college minus my jacket.
Today I wore the Cannibal Corpse hoodie that mam's friend Paul bought me for my birthday.
I always thought I looked immense in it - yes, I still look fat - but I don't look as fat as I imagined. It actually makes me feel thinner though. Odd...

I'm sick of it raining.
It's meant to proper piss down all the time in April - not in May!
The weather's gone fucked this year anyway. We got the usual February snow - but a few weeks ago, I was wandering around in SHORTS; it was that warm.
It pissed down on me when I was walking up Normanby Road for the college bus. I expected my hair to semi-explode, but it stayed reasonably tame.

In Media Studies, we got the practice exam papers back that we did on Monday.
I got just over half marks - but Sarah told me my points were high grade standard, I just hadn't extended them enough.
We looked over the paper and looked at some model answers. I re-wrote a few of my bits of analysis and Sarah said they were great improvements.
Fuck yeah. :P

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I met up with Shelly and we ate sausage sarnies from the Refectory.
There's this proper random chav who keeps walking by the two of us and shouting: "I'm gay!".
Well good for him. I doubt he is. I reckon he's just insulting our sexuality.

Some random chavs asked us if we eat pussy - and for the first time ever, I retorted at them.
Shelly was surprised. It's very rare that I'll say something back to someone.

We went up to the Photography room at half 11.
We didn't leave it until 4:45.
It didn't even feel like we were in there that long.
I finished off a few half-completed pages in my unit 1 sketchbook and did some half-arsed contextual research.
At least I have SOMETHING though.

I didn't get as much done as I should have done though - I got hyper and started rubbing glue all over Shelly's face. At one point, I'd smeared it all along her lips, her nose and her cheeks.
I then exclaimed, as I pissed myself laughing: "HURRRRLOL, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S SPUNKED ALL OVER YOU."

She got her revenge on me by getting me in a headlock, rubbing Pritt Stick all over my face and glueing paper to my nose.
I kept writing SHELLY EATS POO in bubble writing on the pieces of scrap paper I'd cut off my anaylsis I stuck in my book. I even drew a picture of Tails and gave him a speech bubble saying it.

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I literally saw Ashleigh for five minutes today.
She was going down to her B block lesson - I ran after her and caught her at the lift.
We cuddled her before she went down. She said she hasn't finished her art work yet... We're wondering if she'll have any time with us tomorrow.

I'm wondering if I can even see them on Saturday.
Mam's being a cunt - she's not letting them come here, but I can go to Ash's.
But knowing my luck, I won't be able to get there because of dad's dodgy hours.
GAH...