Situation @ MindSay 
It was Ann, the woman who lives in one of the rooms upstairs. Ann and I have been the 2 complaining most about being cold; the boys have mentioned it infrequently, but Carman especially seems the most apathetic to our plight. To be fair, I'm ALWAYS cold, so even I don't hold my complaints of being chilly with a lot of merit, because I say it when it's 89 degrees out and I'm running around.
So Ann comes in, and I turn on the light to make sure she's okay, like not sick and needing me to drive her to the hospital or anything. No, no: she's coming in because she's complaining about the heat situation. She's up in her room 'curled up in a little ball' and it's too cold, she's really upset, etc. And I'M really upset it says '68' on the wall thing but it's probably only 50 because it's clearly not working, but it's also... 2am. She admitted she knew it wasn't my fault, and she knows I'm not mechanical and don't know how to fix it myself, and she 'doesn't want to fly off the roof' (which I guess is her version of 'get really pissed and overreact'), but it still seemed weird to come into my room at 2am to tell me this.
Meanwhile, I just bought a blanket/comforter that is still in its bag (wanted to save it for extra layer in winter months), so I get out of bed and get it out for her, thinking she could use an extra blanket to help her sleep for tonight when I can't fix it. "Oh, no, I'm okay under the covers, it's just... I need to be able to spend time in my room". Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Am I wrong for thinking that this exchange, while not the worst thing in my life (She left at about 2:10 and I was back asleep by 2:40), was incredibly weird? And maybe...not the way to handle it? I think it's great that Ann, who is pretty shy/reserved, feels close enough to me to come to me with her problems, but at the same time... tomorrow night when I'm home from teaching is a great time. Hell, get up an hour early this morning when I'm already up. But this...just seemed excessive.
I have been patiently waiting, for the taste of this.
You seem to want more than the passionate sex.
Caressing me down, and you still have no regret.
Only time will tell what's with this first and last kiss.
Hiding underneath the sheets of other people's beds.
All I really intended to do is to cuddle with you.
More and more I tend to crave the thought of what we could do.
Sometimes I feel like I have no one.
But I related to him last night. The things
we wanted to do. The things we talked about. The
things we wanted that night.
I wish I would have gave in but
you know some say you are dating Karter.
But honestly, she's a skank slut whore bitch fuck.
and i just don't really give a fuck. You can hate me
alll you want Karter. I just want to be happy. And he
obviously said you weren't together. :(
sorry babe. But I just can't help myself.
I am a boyfriend(or the guy you claim) stealer.
Process!
Life is
a building project,
day in -- day out.
Each choice is a stone
to become part of the home.
Each issue requires its own unique response.
Today is built on what was learned yesterday.
Tomorrow's success will depend on what is learned today.
And so it goes. The process of everyday increasing Life
depends on the kind of structure desired and planned.
We create the nature of that building everyday
in the choices we make, our decisions.
I'm responsible for all my choices,
as you are for yours.
What kind of home
do you desire?
I'm trying ...
Love. 
~ B
I had a great reflection today that brought gladness to my heart for the experiences I've had. The reflection was evoked by a conversation with a dear friend who happens to be in one of those difficult transition periods that life throws at us occassionally. Dealing with difficulty often isn't our biggest challenge, it's the wait and the inability to control the outcome and timing. For whatever reason, we're in the midst of sudden upheaval that will challenge and requires attention. Knowing myself, I suspect most of us would like it solved NOW.
Transitions and these upheavals come in many different shapes and sizes. There is no magic formula beyond showing up and being with the situation and sticking to the process as it also shows up. Each situation will come with its' own best practices to create change and forward movement, and yet ultimately each situation will require us to listen to our heart for guidance. Even as the various pathways reveal themselves, and a path chosen, we can see that this will take some time and quite probably courage. I know there have been times on my journey I have faltered and felt faint. If only I could get there NOW, and then someone would acknowledge and remind me of the process. "I know, I know." I'd say, "still...."
Still.... always that word - and I know. You who are privy to my journey have watched me with my ups and downs for how long now? And slowly but surely, sticking with it, falling on my face, getting up again, and I'm getting there. I've grown in many ways, and yes, some areas of my life have remained neglected. I see why the building of a house is often used as an analogy for our own lives too. First, a new foundation - we're rebuilding here - and then level by level, living this life to perfection through each experience towards wholeness.
So still:
- you have so many amazing years in front of you.
- you have so many discoveries yet to be enjoyed.
- you have so many beautiful people to meet.
And still:
- you will cry.
- you will long for something better.
- you will learn from some hurtful people.
Each will shine the diamond within. So yes, still: Be still.
PS - Separating my shoulder could have been the worst thing that happened to me had I chosen that path. Instead, I saw so many glorious opportunities given, and an unusual experience of injury and healing that has given me more intimacy with the physical body. This perspective has enriched my daily experiences and relationships that yield more wonderful opportunities, and created joy and gratitude for my life.
The model was a bit late, but after about 15 to 20 minutes she walked in the door, and went to go get undressed. I looked up to begin drawing- and it was my friends mom! Mrs. Daniels! I was in such shock I cried out "Mrs. Daniels! You're NAKED!!" She turned and looked at me, surprised. It was then I realized the whole class's attention had been turned on me.
"Andrew!" Said Mrs. Daniels "I didn't know you were taking this class!" She seemed pleased to see me. It was almost like she was unaware that she lacked a single article of clothing.
So I sat, and tried to draw Mrs. Daniels. I found it's harder to draw something you avoid looking at. It just wasn't right. I KNEW that woman. I would prefer the person who I knew ONLY as a nude model; but that was my friends MOM goddammit!
Just in the middle of this, the fire alarm went off, and the class started to pile out quickly. Mrs. Daniels qiuckly threw a large shirt on, and headed out the door. The school piled outside, and that's when I noticed James. He said hello and was about to talk, but then he noticed his mother standing outside in only a T-shirt, rubbing her arms for warmth. People were giving her weird looks.
"Mom?" he said.
"James!"
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I'm modeling!"
And I can't even continue. It's just not pretty. Poor, poor James. There are some things a man should not have to deal with. Finding out your mom poses nude in front of your friends is one of them.
Plus when we got back inside, her position was slightly off, so I was NOT HAPPY.
I joined a class that was going out for a walk to a park. On this walk, I met an odd fellow. He wore a camoflauge vest, and insisted that everyone sang out military type songs. and what not. He tells me he's assembling a paintball team to go out after winter, so I tell him I'm interested. Then the guy starts asking me about what kind of paintball gun I have and stuff. "We'll be training throughout the winter." he says. "Training? Like how?" I ask. "We'll be in this park near my house, working on tactics. No gun stuff." Immediatly I have a vision of a bunch of guys 17- 20 years old, hiding behind trees in a park, and crawling across the grass. Doing rolls through playground equipment and so on. It's so rediculas, I HAVE to do this thing!
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