Sin @ MindSay

I started school again last week. It felt like forever since I had been in a classroom, so it was actually nice to be back. I decided yesterday that I am going to enter a contest to have a piece of my writing published in a magazine. Cool, huh?

 

Anyways, health failing all around me. Literally. Good thing the government doesn't yet run our health care or the ones I love would be waiting for the critical care they need to stay alive.

 

My grandfather on my mom's side has pnuemonia again...her mom is sick with bronchitis, her brother has terminal cancer and is dying.

 

My dad's dad has more fluid around his brain and has been taken off of his blood thinners again that are necessary for the health of his 86 yr old heart.

 

My husband's grandfather in Chicago is having diabetes complications and might have to have a leg amputated. He is on oxygen, can't really breathe without it and is having open heart surgery tomorrow.

 

Whew...Got it off my chest.

 

My good friend is still struggling with a narcotics addiction, my marriage is pretty rocky... And that just about sums it all up for me right now.

 

We are supposed to go to St Louis this month for our anniversary and we are genuinly BROKE...I mean, literally no money.

 

If we have to fly to Chicago to see hubby's grandfather, I am not sure what we are going to do.

 

Life is hard. I have been filled with tears every morning for the past several days. I have to hold on to the only source of hope that I have, Jesus. He says not to give up, to put all my worries and cares upon him. Pray, Pray pray and keep on believing. It is all I have.

 

I have my son, he is amazing and a true gift from God. I worry about the future. Pray, pray pray is all I can do.

 

Cocktails anyone?

The play is finally done. No more going to church during the evenings and performing in front of people.

Tonight, the last night, everything was really brutal (in a good way) and we were all top notch. Especially Jesus. During the crucifixion scene, I had to plug my ears because his groaning as we was hung on the cross was that bad... And then I started crying as we followed his body (it was a dummy, again) out the doors. I know I wasn't the only one.

There's not much to say right now. I'm sort of sad it's over. I met a lot of new people I never really got to talk with before. So many people have passed on the word that they really liked getting to know me and perform with me. Some even complimented me on how good of an actress I am.

So, I'll leave you with another video. Another testimony about a pastor, Nate Larkin, who was hooked to pornography. Again, shows how strong the power of God really is.

February 15th, 2009: 2:35 A.M ~ Top Blogs: 5th Place. 1 Vote.
February 15th, 2009: 8:49 A.M ~ Top Blogs: 2nd Place. 3 Votes.
February 15th, 2009: 9:24 A.M ~ Top Blogs: 1ST PLACE!!: 4 Votes.
OHMIGAWSH PPL I REACHED FIRST. :D
...Pete's Sake, people! 0.o Who on earth keeps voting for my blogs? This is like, the third time now! XD Anywho, it's greatly appreciated, so thank you very much! ^^

This is in no way mocking beliefs, views, opinions, or anything else. I’m not that sort of person. I’d just like to have some questions answered, since I’m afraid to go to my parents about it because I think that they’ll think I’m an ‘atheist’…

My family are Christians, and really strong and firm believers in God. My mother is even the children’s pastor at our church. Good, right? I’ve been a Christian all my life, up until about a year and a half ago… That was when things just started ‘not making sense’.

Don’t think I don’t know absolutely anything. I know most major stories in the bible, and most of the miracles that Jesus performed while he was on earth. I know about Jonah and the Whale (was it a whale, or a big fishy?), David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion’s Den, Noah and his Ark, Adam and Eve and how sin came to our world today… I also know that Jesus took my life upon the cross he carried, replaced my back with his to be whipped, and replaced my hands with his to be nailed to the wooden cross. I know he died for my sins. I know that. I’m not totally blind about information or anything.

I don’t know. Lately, it just seems that the stories, and most of the bible, just seems… Fantasized. It seems ‘impossible’. I can’t really say that I do believe in miracles. I’d like to say for sure that I do, but for now, that isn’t possible. You could say I do and I don’t. And, apparently so my mom says due to my premature birth, “Emily, whether you like it or not, you’re proof that miracles exist.”

I accepted the Lord into my heart when I was four years old. At that age, you KNOW children will believe anything they hear. I loved the Lord with every beat of my heart then. I cried in happiness. I was ecstatic that he was in my life.

…Now I’m not so sure if he’s still there. I’ve denied his existence, and I haven’t been the best ‘follower’ lately. I’ve been told that Satan has his hands tightly wrapped around me and he’s not going to let me go easily. There’s been times where I used to think that I was possessed by demons, or the presence of demons were near me. Sometimes I still think I am.

There’s also been times where I’ve sat alone in a room, and actually prayed to God for what seemed like I haven’t talked to him in ages. I recall once, or twice, where I’ve bowed my head, spent about fifteen minutes with him pleading and literally crying out for help – to be saved from the rotting and living darkness that still remains within me today. There has also been times, where I thought my belief in God was restored – and then I would post on my Facebook: “The Lord is my Shepherd. Praise God for your life, peeps!” - But that would fade within a day or two.

I can tell you that I’m definitely not the same person as I was two years ago. I’ve committed so many sins in the past two years, and I’ve asked for forgiveness every now and then, but I don’t feel ‘cleansed’. I don’t feel ‘pure’ or even forgiven. I’ve come to think that God just doesn’t love me anymore.

I’ve had dreams or daydreams, rarely, where God and Satan are battling over me. Mother always liked to say that it’s an immense battle, and God doesn’t give up on people. But she never mentioned that He gives up on those who ‘turn against him’.

I’d like to say that I believe in him, as there are times where I do. But at the same time I just don’t believe. I do and I don’t at the same time. I know, it’s confusing.

I’ve also been blinded by anger, because over the past year or so, I kept asking God why on earth he would give a follower Cerebral Palsy. He hasn’t really provided me any answers, and God knows why he made me the way I am… I sometimes wonder why he didn't make me a certain way... For example, I sometimes wonder why he didn't make me smarter. Or I wonder why he didn't make me look like the attractive girl sitting across from me.

Thank you for hearing me out. I have some questions, you don’t have to answer them, though… I just so badly want to restore my relationship with Him, and every time I get inspired to do so, the darkness within me keeps me bound by its chains.

1) Why did God allow sin to enter our world?
I know, it’s a really old question. I know that God made man to love him, and apparently misfortunes are supposed to ‘grab our attention’ and get us to ‘turn towards him’. But I just don’t understand. God could have made the world perfect, and he could still have had His way, couldn’t he…? I know Him sending down his Son, Jesus; down to earth was also part of his plan… But I just still don’t understand.

2) How can you tell if somebody is possessed?
I recall in a few accounts in the Bible that there were some possessions, and Jesus drove the demons away and everything. I just have this sincere feeling that I am possessed… Please, don’t think I’m crazy or anything.

3) Does God still love those who ‘turn against him’ or ‘deny his existence’?
I know, you’re probably gonna say “God loves everybody”. I just keep wondering why such a loving God would send people to Hell. I mean, if God does exist, humans ARE his own creation… I know the story of the Prodigal Son, but that doesn’t make things much clearer for me.

4) Is there any actual PROOF that God exists, or anything similar? I’m just having the most DIFFICULT time believing everything and almost anything in relation to the topic of God.
 
5) Does God remain in your heart once you`ve accepted him? Does he leave once you make the decision not to believe anymore? And does he love you any less if you turn against him...?

I have some more. But I have currently forgotten them. I hope this doesn’t change anyone’s views about who I am. I know I may sound selfish, but I don’t intend to be… I’m just confused, seeking, and looking for some answers. I wouldn't directly say that I'm an "atheist" or anything... But, who knows, I guess.

On humanity, Love, Christians and Epic Fail.

When all is said and done, at the end of the day, Humans are human.
They makes us angry, happy, annoyed, scared, and all sorts of emotions.
Some brag, some insult, some act arrogant, all signs of either insecurity and/or various psychological complexes. This is human too.

Now to address my fellow Christians:
There is NO REASON to get pissed off at people for being human.
Our ... orders, if you will, are simple.

1) Love Unconditionally
God loves EVERY-FREAKEN-BODY. Quit complaining about other people when you see/hear them sinning. Leave that to God to deal with. He DID NOT give us the right to condemn others. We are only to correct other brothers and sisters in Christ when they are sinning. Not the rest of the world. Leave that to GOD. Just leave it.
This doesn't mean we can't get mad at them or be upset - That is a normal human feeling. HOWEVER, discussing, gossiping (which is a sin) or blogging about people and their sin it crosses a line. How would you like to have your faults broadcast all over the web, the work place, etc.?
You may be thinking its not the same thing. Bull freaken shit. You pretend to be the perfect person with no faults when you point out others, but you create for all other Christians an even bigger fault and paint us a color that we are not. To the outside you become no better, if not worse, than they are.
You can say, "Oh I'm not perfect" or "I know I'm not perfect". Could have fooled me when you start talking about other people's shit. Honestly, I am sick of my fellow Christians not even attempting to curb one of the most widely spread issues of talking about others.

2) Worship God
 Self explanatory.

3) Obey God.
Sometimes we need to take a step or two back from our lovely academia of theology.
It seems to me that most theology has screwed us over and made more than half the problems we have with each other today.
Tying back in to number one - love unconditionally. This means love EVERYBODY (in case you missed that the first part) as the disclaimer of most things have to be: Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, hair color, eye color, personality type, hygiene, political affiliation etc...
You need to realize we undermine the message of Christ's whole purpose of being here by judging and ridiculing and condemning other people because of what they do or say. If they choose to follow God, then GOD will tell them what to do and if they love God as we say we do they'll obey what he tells them.
Remember the vision Peter had about the unclean animals being lowered and told to eat?
Do you remember what that was supposed to mean?
Well it sure as hell ain't something you people preach about very often. Maybe you should go back and take a look.
Seems to me that after Peter had that vision he went to visit the unclean Gentile Roman to deliver God's words to him and his family.
We Christians are acting like Jews vs Gentiles instead the gentiles are people we treat as unclean because they act, do, say something different.
I'm not just referring to sexuality issues.
I've been misjudged by other Christians because of my personal style. Quite frankly this judging people based on what you see is crap and we aren't supposed to be like that. How many times are we gonna forget that and how many times are punk upstarts like me are gonna have to yell at the rest of y'all?
Honestly people. EPIC FAIL!!!!!
Simple command: Love one another and love the Lord your God. This is the simplest and only two things God really asks of us. It is NOT THAT COMPLICATED! Condemning and judging are not in line with these commands. If you all got the stick out of your butts, the wax out of your ears and the blindfold of jargon and dogma off your eyes you'd see that and REMEMBER.
But no!
Even pastors are making the Epic in Epic Fail in obeying God's laws. You are in a position of leadership. Quit screwing up and make an attempt to love without condemning.
"I'm not condemning anyone" You may be saying. Well guess what? Any time you poke fingers at people's wrong doings you are condemning. People know whether or not something is wrong. You're not supposed to be the ones who rub the puppy's nose in their poo. People aren't dogs. You don't need to do that. Resist the urge. Quit it.
We're only supposed to love them. I know going above and beyond is normally good in the work force...but go about and beyond in your loving others. Do not try to do God's job for God. Not your place. God's. Not yours. Get it?

Now, that being said...I will stop for today. Ciao.