Simpler Life @ MindSay 
Life is OK
I figure that this is as good of a day as any to start a blog.
For now, I'm biding my time... trying to enjoy myself as much as possible while dealing with the stresses of living at home and being in high school. None of it's really that bad, I just am yearning for something different.
Anger has a tendency to hold me hostage, sometimes. Sadness too. I'm trying to uproot anger, trying to be more compassionate, trying to live simpler, trying to not hold my surroundings up to any unachievable ideals. I think it's going okay. When you're living your life in a place where you have so little control over what's going on around you, you find it so much harder to control what's going on inside your mind and body.
I'm sober; remarkably so.
I greatly miss my daily rituals of Cannabis consumption, as I haven't been partaking in the last two months or so. That's alright though, as I'm high on life.
I'm starting to see firsthand that life is a trip and I'm in for a great one.
I'm tired. Really tired.
This week has been ridiculous my Caffeine intake has been through the roof.
I just need to be alert, awake and paying attention to everything that's going on throughout my entire day... It's hard to NOT use Caffeine as much as I do. Been trying to ween myself off of it over the last two days... Went from a consistent 500mg+ per day to a half a cup of coffee yesterday and nothing today. I've certainly had worse headaches, but this one is so persistent.
The world is beautiful.
I love our Earth, I love every season and I love spending time in the midst of it all.
We're all connected to each other and every speck of matter that makes up this world and this universe. The universe is everything that exists or has the potential to exist, the symbiotic relationship between space and time. Ideas are as real to me as anything I can hold.
Our environment is deprecating... fast.
As the cause of many of our environmental issues and supposedly the most rational beings inhabiting this planet, we Humans absolutely MUST conserve and be true stewards to this beautiful rock we were lucky enough to gain control of.
People amaze me.
Human nature never ceases to blow my mind. So predictable and yet... so spontaneous. I often zone out when watching people going about their lives, amazed at the complexity of our mind and body.
As much as I'm a fan of the winter, I'm about ready for it to get warmer.
The Sun is really, really nice.
Anyway... this was sort of a big ramble. I'll get more specific once I gather my thoughts.
For now, I'm biding my time... trying to enjoy myself as much as possible while dealing with the stresses of living at home and being in high school. None of it's really that bad, I just am yearning for something different.
Anger has a tendency to hold me hostage, sometimes. Sadness too. I'm trying to uproot anger, trying to be more compassionate, trying to live simpler, trying to not hold my surroundings up to any unachievable ideals. I think it's going okay. When you're living your life in a place where you have so little control over what's going on around you, you find it so much harder to control what's going on inside your mind and body.
I'm sober; remarkably so.
I greatly miss my daily rituals of Cannabis consumption, as I haven't been partaking in the last two months or so. That's alright though, as I'm high on life.
I'm starting to see firsthand that life is a trip and I'm in for a great one.
I'm tired. Really tired.
This week has been ridiculous my Caffeine intake has been through the roof.
I just need to be alert, awake and paying attention to everything that's going on throughout my entire day... It's hard to NOT use Caffeine as much as I do. Been trying to ween myself off of it over the last two days... Went from a consistent 500mg+ per day to a half a cup of coffee yesterday and nothing today. I've certainly had worse headaches, but this one is so persistent.
The world is beautiful.
I love our Earth, I love every season and I love spending time in the midst of it all.
We're all connected to each other and every speck of matter that makes up this world and this universe. The universe is everything that exists or has the potential to exist, the symbiotic relationship between space and time. Ideas are as real to me as anything I can hold.
Our environment is deprecating... fast.
As the cause of many of our environmental issues and supposedly the most rational beings inhabiting this planet, we Humans absolutely MUST conserve and be true stewards to this beautiful rock we were lucky enough to gain control of.
People amaze me.
Human nature never ceases to blow my mind. So predictable and yet... so spontaneous. I often zone out when watching people going about their lives, amazed at the complexity of our mind and body.
As much as I'm a fan of the winter, I'm about ready for it to get warmer.
The Sun is really, really nice.
Anyway... this was sort of a big ramble. I'll get more specific once I gather my thoughts.
He wears his heart safety-pinned to his backpack...
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers whose glances can cripple
The heart and devour the soul...
And then there is the dream...
I feel like my brain is obsessing on it. Having Matthew telling me pointblank that it is up to me to save the people. Me? That's what the man in the vision said...
This is proving to be my private Israel. And struggling with this lifetime and all there is and all there was and all that will ever be - a struggle. In the midst of the place within my soul that I rarely allow to see the light of day, a war rage between what is and what should be. It is a battle that has be fought over all these years that are numbered as my time upon this planet, and I fear will continue until the years are no longer numbered in human terms. And when I do go, who will remain to fight the fight of this physical world?
I suppose that if life was meant to easy far fewer would take an early exist from it. If the spirit life that I lead was meant to be a cakewalk, I wouldn't have been born as a Child of Israel, I would have been born as something far different, something that would allow me to blindly follow whatever it was I was meant to follow. But none of this happened during this lifetime, and I am that which I have become...
I know that this dream of dreams is at the very least my subconscious pointing the way that I should heading - my internal weather vane. But what if it was more, far more than most have to experience in this life? What if it was more? And where do I go from here if it was more?
There are so many mysteries to all that surrounds me and the answers that I seek seem to be somewhere even farther off in this distance, somewhere beyond the comprehension of a mere mortal such as myself. And the more I reach out and try to grasp of the Truth, the more that I find it beyond my reach. The nearer I am to the answers, the more questions arise to divert me from finding that which I seek...
There are time when I wish that a big Hand would just reach down and shake me about, and a Voice that sounds like thunder would say, "This is want you to do, now go do it!" Life would be so much simpler, but alas this is not the case...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
Shot down by strangers whose glances can cripple
The heart and devour the soul...
And then there is the dream...
I feel like my brain is obsessing on it. Having Matthew telling me pointblank that it is up to me to save the people. Me? That's what the man in the vision said...
This is proving to be my private Israel. And struggling with this lifetime and all there is and all there was and all that will ever be - a struggle. In the midst of the place within my soul that I rarely allow to see the light of day, a war rage between what is and what should be. It is a battle that has be fought over all these years that are numbered as my time upon this planet, and I fear will continue until the years are no longer numbered in human terms. And when I do go, who will remain to fight the fight of this physical world?
I suppose that if life was meant to easy far fewer would take an early exist from it. If the spirit life that I lead was meant to be a cakewalk, I wouldn't have been born as a Child of Israel, I would have been born as something far different, something that would allow me to blindly follow whatever it was I was meant to follow. But none of this happened during this lifetime, and I am that which I have become...
I know that this dream of dreams is at the very least my subconscious pointing the way that I should heading - my internal weather vane. But what if it was more, far more than most have to experience in this life? What if it was more? And where do I go from here if it was more?
There are so many mysteries to all that surrounds me and the answers that I seek seem to be somewhere even farther off in this distance, somewhere beyond the comprehension of a mere mortal such as myself. And the more I reach out and try to grasp of the Truth, the more that I find it beyond my reach. The nearer I am to the answers, the more questions arise to divert me from finding that which I seek...
There are time when I wish that a big Hand would just reach down and shake me about, and a Voice that sounds like thunder would say, "This is want you to do, now go do it!" Life would be so much simpler, but alas this is not the case...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
pontifications
taken good stock of my life. for once, i don't come out at rock bottom. it's after 9 and i can't sleep anymore. but it's a comfort to know that this glowing warmth beside me isn't just Inspector Gadget. it's so wonderful to wake up and hear the whispering breaths of another warm body beside me without whiskers and a tail. Sure, he's asleep curled in the hollow between our bodies, but the main focus is not him.
for once in my life, i know that i have made a correct decision. no more waiting for validation of my choices, no more staying out late by myself, hoping that someone needs a ride home for positive human interaction. i don't run and hide anymore. and most importantly of all, i'm the happiest i've been in the past long years. we all know the mistakes i made were almost larger than life, but just how much larger they were is made apparent to me every morning when i wake up.
the birds are chirping, the sun is shining. money is tight and i'm broke, but i'm happy. my parents have never been more proud or pleased with me. my family is overjoyed. and they love her. they welcome her with open arms and i love that feeling. i love the way that they don't feel they have to tell me about their hatred in secret, ask me countless times if i'm sure. no, they've accepted us as we are, and that's all i could ever ask for.
i was once begged not to do what i've done...and stupidly, i answered in a promise that i wouldn't. but the truth is, i was set free. and maybe that was the only bit of mercy i was ever afforded.
maybe begginghim to stay was not the best choice i could have made, but when the world is being torn away from beneath your feet, i'm willing to bet that you'd cling to the nearest little root for a chance to save yourself. but i replay the conversation in my head over and over. i tell myself what i should have said. i should have nodded, took a breath, and said "okay, goodbye." i should have remained cold, end of story. but i know in my heart of hearts that this would not have been possible for me. i'm too damned sensitive for that.
those wounds cut deep, but she has patched them up nicely for me. i can still see the scars, whitish and shimmering slightly against my flesh. but these wounds will heal.
time will heal all things.
september's ember
for once in my life, i know that i have made a correct decision. no more waiting for validation of my choices, no more staying out late by myself, hoping that someone needs a ride home for positive human interaction. i don't run and hide anymore. and most importantly of all, i'm the happiest i've been in the past long years. we all know the mistakes i made were almost larger than life, but just how much larger they were is made apparent to me every morning when i wake up.
the birds are chirping, the sun is shining. money is tight and i'm broke, but i'm happy. my parents have never been more proud or pleased with me. my family is overjoyed. and they love her. they welcome her with open arms and i love that feeling. i love the way that they don't feel they have to tell me about their hatred in secret, ask me countless times if i'm sure. no, they've accepted us as we are, and that's all i could ever ask for.
i was once begged not to do what i've done...and stupidly, i answered in a promise that i wouldn't. but the truth is, i was set free. and maybe that was the only bit of mercy i was ever afforded.
maybe begging
those wounds cut deep, but she has patched them up nicely for me. i can still see the scars, whitish and shimmering slightly against my flesh. but these wounds will heal.
time will heal all things.
september's ember
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