Sigh @ MindSay

Well since it is raining here, there is no track tryouts, so I have to wait till Monday to find out if I got cut or not. I really don't want to get cut. I have to find somewhere to run I think I am going to go and run the three mile course at school Sunday , but I don't know. Sigh, oh well at least I got to get out early.

>Gothcat

.Friday, I asked a man I know from the area what it was like dating in a city in which there are more people with HIV than in all of Nigeria? He said, "Well, I have HIV." Awkward.

 

.If you must know, I'm really not very happy here. I have one friend. And we're kind of dating, so he doesn't count. It's just a constant cycle... paying for the metro to work, riding it to work, not getting paid at work, eating with the little money I have, and going home on the metro. Sometimes I spend a somewhat large chunk of my already dwindling money on a movie. Sometimes I get to hang out with the guy I'm sort-of-dating. Really, there is nothing to live for. And now I know why people kill themselves. Luckily, I'll be back at school in just a few weeks. I'm actually honestly looking forward to going back to school. And then... what? A different cycle? Sigh. Life.

 

.Maybe money would make me happy. Maybe I should sell drugs. Yeah.

Tomorrow we take our daugther to Santa Barbara to meet up with her boyfriend.  They are going to drive to Seattle and start a life together.  He loves her and they want to make things work.....but  cannot get rid of this achey feeling in my heart.  I look to time to help heal the tears I try to hold back.

Damn.............it hurts.

Is your life worth it?

 

I often think that if I had it all to do again, I would do everything different. ALL of it. It’s not that you want to be ungrateful for what you’ve been given; it’s that you’re still waiting for that one moment or that one thing. You know, that moment where you get ‘there’ and you can look back and say ‘I would do it all over again just to get here.’ That one thing that makes it all worth it. I’m still waiting on it.

 

When you’re traveling through hell, you really have no choice but to hope and believe that there is some divine purpose for the bullshit you’re going through. Karma or fate or destiny or whatever crap ass life lesson you’re supposed to be learning in this reincarnated period of your life. I’ve learned a lot of lessons. I’ve been through this and I’ve been through that. I’m a veteran. Racism, sexism, various levels and types of abuse. I even first seriously considered suicide at age 11. I can say that everything I have been through has made me harder, smarter, sillier, sadder, stronger, wiser, calmer, more diligent, even more paranoid and absolutely apathetic. I’ve been through the school of hard knocks so many times, I’m the first student ever given tenure, as they say. On the other hand, this life has beaten the fear out of me and made me less willing to sit around and list the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t have something. When I want to do something, I just go out and do it. (I mean, eff it- what's life going to do to me if I do or don't do something? I've been twisted into a pretzel so many times getting shot in the ass feels like foreplay....)

 

I’m glad for what I know- but I wouldn’t do this life again. Because I have yet to see what, if anything, has made my life ‘worth it’.

 

“But… what about your kids? Don’t you love your kids?” you may ask, aghast at my obvious oversight.

 

Of course I love my kids. I worship them. They’re one of the few things that have gone right in my life. But having to do it all again, I would do them the favor of not having me as a mother. Let’s face reality, folks- they deserve way better. I’m not good enough for them. I’m honored God chose me to be their mom and I have worked hard to honor what He has loaned me. But I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t marry the same people, I wouldn’t make the same friends, I wouldn’t do anything the same. Nothing. What would I do? I don’t know. I think I would leave home at the first opportunity and just disappear.  I wish I had done that. I don’t know where I would have gone but I would have just… gone. I don’t know what I would have done. All I know is, if this is ‘it’, if this is as far as it goes, I would not do it this way again. This life has not been worth it.

 

I’m not sad. I’m not regretting. I’m not anything. I just call it as I see it. And I’m not saying it can’t be ‘worth it’ some day. I’m not saying my life will never get to that place. I’m not saying tomorrow, the ‘it’ I’ve been looking for won’t emerge and make my life ‘worth living’. But at this point, if the past is indicative of the future, it’s hard for me to get excited. That’s why I’ve changed everything in my life; moved away, kicked old habits and relatives out of my life, done away with the things that were really of no benefit to me. I even completely threw out my clothes. (I got some new ones- don’t worry.) All these things I had in my life did not seem to benefit my position at all, but rather tainted it. They made me feel toxic and downright miserable. I got rid of them. Am I replacing them with more of the same thing? I’m keeping to myself right now. And that’s all I really want to do.

 

Now, I am where I want to live (by the ocean) and I am writing for a living and as soon as I get my ex to shut his mouth and leave me alone, things will be okay for now. I might even get a new car. Well, not a new car- just a car that is new to me. (…one that will pass a Texas state inspection…) Maybe some furniture, too.

 

But as far as what makes my life ‘worth it’, what makes me jump out of my bed each day, (beyond obligation) it’s not there. And I don’t know if it ever will be. Who can say? Not me. Not you either.

One thing I am grateful for in all this is not living under the illusion that someONE is going to make it all better. Now that I'm happily alone just like I've always wanted, there's no undue stress to 'find that person'. I don't want 'that person' and I don't have to feel like some sort of reprobate because I do not have a need to be attached to others; I am not made to feel like a naughty girl for realizing I am enough, all on my own.

 

As soon as my boys get raised up and out of the house, I do not know what I will do with myself. I think strongly about getting myself a pilot’s license. That’s probably one of the last items on my list of things to do. That and joining a volunteer group and heading to Africa. Maybe I can disappear into the bush and spend my life living in the dirt helping others until the time comes I’m too old to move- or a civil war breaks out and they lop off my head 15 minutes after I get there. Either way, I’m just trying to figure out something to do until death claims me. I still have a couple more countries I need to hit but I’m sure I will make them at some point.  I don’t have any real interest in killing myself working 90 hours a week just to have a home to retire in- and then be too old and beat up to take care of it. I suppose I will visit my sons in their lives from time to time. But other than that, I always feel like I only do what I have to to get through the day.       It’s a sin.

...but if you're crying, you're probably in MY storyline.

Why is it that I cannot seem to write lighthearted fiction?????

Sigh.  Tried to write a little smidge of something fanciful and wound up enmeshed in pathos and lost dreams.

Weyrds me... um, I mean, weirds me out.