Sickness @ MindSay

So, my birthday was yesterday. I started out feeling groggy, figuring it would get better when I got to practice. My knee had been hurting for the last two weeks, and has started to hurt more and more recently. The day before my stomach started in on not wanting to function entirely properly. I figured it was PMS related. So, at practice, my coach decided to *lovingly* have me row in a single with my other friend who is about the same pace, against two coxed fours, and a double. We began to panic hysterically, as the coach told us that we would be doing two 30 minute long pieces, one upstream, one down, and that my friend and I were starting behind a 1/2 mile, and were expected to not only catch the bigger boats, but get ahead, and stay ahead. 30 minutes later finds us at the 9 mile marker, extremely tired, and over heating in spandex shorts and sports bras. On the way downstream, knee hurt bad, did not catch double until halfway through piece. never caught the fours because bigger boats move faster downstream, and they got too big of a head start. way too big. I tried to stay with my friend, so we could encourage and push each other- a good system. but we were so dead coming into dock. so, so dead. the first person, outside my family, to say happy birthday to me was my doubles partner. I got home, had to go out on my bike up hill to the grocery store for bisquik because my younger brother demanded pancakes, had to MAKE pancakes, and after eating two, felt like I was going to be sick on top of horrible cramps. the time being 11, i sat in front of a fan for 15 minutes trying to cool off, as I could feel the heat radiating off me. ended up falling asleep by 11:30, slept through lunch, and did not wake up until four, were upon I spent the next 2 hours before dinner in a daze, and still with stomach pain. I had been drinking ridiculous amounts of water all day. and I still had a huge headache. yesterday was pain overload day, seriously. after dinner and cake, I once again felt the strong urge to puke, but did not.

then my friends called, singing happy birthday into the phone. I was so happy for like, 3 minutes. the best 3 minutes all day. and then they began demanding that I get over to their side of the river, saying that they were too tired from walking around all day, and that they had no way of getting over to my house. after trying to explain that I had to ride over, which would be 20-25 minute drive, they tried to get me to take transit. this would involve a lot of painful, limping-filled walking. and a fourty-five minute bus ride just to get there. having tried to explain that I had not felt well all day, and that walking would hurt, they began to tease, and slightly plead. then I started getting yelled at. I tried my best to hold my voice over the phone, and, after hearing them say they'd call back later, we hung up.

and then I began to cry.
because I was angry at them for not listening.

Because they said they called multiple times, but their calls were not on the caller ID, which would have showed up if they had.

because my cruddy day was getting worse.

because For the first time in ten years, I was home on my birthday, and I might as well have not been, since no one called until it was too late. because my friends decided to do something without calling me and asking if I wanted to do something. because they sounded like they were having so much fun without me,

and I felt so alone, and like an outsider with my own best friends.

and I still felt sick. and my knee still hurt. and I still had a massive headache. and felt like I had a fever.

and then when i finally fell asleep, I kept waking up. In pain. I was awake more often than I was asleep. and today, my knee was even worse, to the point that a light touch hurt like someone had just broken something.

and when I tried to express my feelings about the aforementioned day to one of my friend, she just emailed back saying that she did not want to deal with my sudden "mood and behavior", without even saying why she was so upset.

I mean, friends tell each other when they hurt, and things go wrong, right? Now I feel guilty about sending her an email, but I mean, its not like they ever called back.

and the friend just... flew off the handle.

And I sincerely meant that I hoped she had had fun at a con, and that I had hoped that the three of them had fun yesterday earlier in the day.

I am so hurt, lost, and confused.

thankfully, my stomach functioned mildly better today, although holding down breakfast was a battle. and I go into the doctor tomorrow. :(

I just wish that I knew what was wrong.

would it be okay for someone to tell me for once what is going on so that I am not always the last one to know? I mean, how am I supposed to help my friends if they won't tell me what's wrong??

As you, my friends well know, I have not blogged very much about my everyday goings on, as I guess that I felt the need to just blog when I had something significant to say, such as my poetry, song or story of some kind.

But as it has been pointed out, by several of you, you would love to know how things are in my world, and would not be bored to read about my life, so I will make an effort to write more.  And, come to think of it, I am never bored hearing about your lives, so turn about is fair play, hey?

Joseph, my dear friend, crushgroove blogged today about what the Lord did for him, after he just whispered a prayer, and about the goodness of God, and it triggered in my mind what has been going on with me.

I am prone to coughing that comes and goes, usually triggered by bouts of acid reflux.  When it happens, it tends to hang on until it has gone down into my chest and caused bronchitis, and this past few weeks has been no different.  When I cough I make such a racket, my husband says he is sure it would raise the dead, and the whole town can hear it. but it is because the coughing is not productive and almost kills me before I am done.  My sides ache, my chest burns and I am as weak as a kitten before it is all over, because I spend the whole night coughing.  I have to take cough syrup at night, just to try to make me drowsy enough to not cough for a bit and get a little sleep (and my husband a bit of peace).

So, to make a long story shorter, Joseph mentioned that he said a tiny prayer for God to help him in his situation, then kept on through his symptoms until God came through for him.  But what I had done during the past few weeks was to pray but then mope around and stay in bed and away from church because I did not feel well.  And of course, along with my illness came bouts of depression because I had not been out in ages and I felt so weak.

Therefore, on Saturday, I was at my wits' end, and I was trying to prepare songs for the Sunday service, as I am supposed to play the piano for praise and worship.  I had missed the previous Sunday, and I knew that it put them in a bind for me to miss, and I was just trying to get up and about, although I still felt bad and was coughing the whole time I tried to practice the songs.  I finally just left the piano and said "this is it" in my mind. 

I was alone in the apartment, and I finally just fell to my knees in prayer.  I spoke a few words to the Lord in English and then the Holy Spirit took over, as I was at my wits' end and did not have the words to express my spiritual and physical condition to the Lord. I don't know how long I spent on my knees, but toward the end, the Lord lifted my spirits so much that I stood and started dancing before him, and He restored the joy of my salvation to me.  I felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulder....what a relief...but I was still coughing on and off.

But I struggle through the practice, through the night, and was determined not to miss service....and do you know, I coughed up until service time, and I coughed a bit afterward, but I did not give one cough DURING THE SERVICE! It lasted an hour and a half, and I sang through five songs, which lasted over thirty minutes and I did not utter one cough.

What do you think? Do you think that the Lord wanted me to step out in faith and allow him to do the work, instead of wasting one more service lying around in bed?  Do you think that the Lord sometimes tries our faith? 

I would welcome your comments and replies about when and how your faith has been tested.

Bless you all; thank you for being faithful friends and my Mindsay family.

Bonnie

  for the past few days, i have been going on a diet so that i can lose all my fat in my thighs, stomach, and a little bit on my chin, maybe a little possibility, i can lose a little bit of fat on my chest....girls you know what i mean....  But other than that, i have been gaining some pounds since i was sick for a month with a sore throat i couldn't talk for a week, and i ended up going to see a doctor for a bump in my neck that turned out to be an infection in my limp note(at first i was worried that it was a cyst....but my mom thought secondly that it was the mumps), so i have been on antibiotics for 10 days.  A week later i developed a rash on my right hand that bounced to my left, and i have been itchy and the rash was spread up to my elbows.  So it's back to the doctor, and it turned out to be a allergy reaction, or a viral infection, so i was yet again put on medication, this time: Steroids. Anyways back to my diet foods, For breakfast i had a apple, and a yogurt to help me get some energy, and i have been drinking water, and doing at least 50 sit ups, lunch i had wheat thins with cottage cheese, and for dinner, i had some of my mom's and my cousin's girlfriend's cooking when i went walking to their house.  And, i had another apple and yogurt and 50 more sit ups.  Maybe this coming week, i might go to the high school and walk around the track, go to the park, or ride my bike until i'm at least pretty tired, etc.  In two months, i'll be doing my first gig at a 4th of July cookout at my grandfather's house, and afterwords, i'm gonna see what happens next, i might never know.  If it works out for me, then i'll move to Full Time, and i'll be quitting my job watching kids, to pursuing into a DJ, and maybe going out of town for gigs or staying in town for some gigs, etc.  Anyways i got lots of stuff to do before the 4th of July, and i needed to see Juan about this, learning how to control the equipment, and once it's done i can get set up for the cookout on the 4th of July, and i can't wait for it!!  i g2g so until then peace

Saturday April 19, 20008 Me my mom and my lil' sis came down to Connecticut to visit some family. Then all of a sudden because of my stupid allergies. my nose got all clogged and my eyes were itching like there was poison ivy on my eye. But I think the reason is because yesterday I went to my little cousins B-day party and my other cousin got mad at me so she decided to through sand at me and it got in the eye that's bothering me. But w/e i am gonna put some more eye drops in when i get to my grandma's house cause i am @ my aunt and uncle's house in Bristol and my grandma's house is in Watertown or Waterbury i cant remember which one so hopefully i can have a good-night sleep tonight. Well I suppose i should go and relax and drink my tea, so i will write more tomorrow. TTYL L8TER!!