Shrink @ MindSay

Okay, so my bullshit shrink says that I have to blog and
she asked me to tell you where I was on my "vacation" as
she calls it. Before I start I just want to say right now that
I do not want any sympathy, this is just because I have t
because apperently she is going to come to my page and read
what I post.

So so here goes.

The past few days I was taking a "vacation" to the wonderful
land of Brentwood. Sounds nice huh??
Anyways Brentwood is in Shreveport La.
Look it up, but Brentwood is a Mental Facility.

And I am sure you are saying to yourselves now
what does this little rich kid have to worry about,
but I have lots of problems, and I think that they
might all be related to having money.

Anyways, I was admitted because I failed my Psych test at
the ER, where I was taken there because I ingested a little
over a cup of bleach, and was all prepared to drink more.

So there you have it Mindsay, and Shrink, are you happy?

I'm slipping away into madness. I can feel it. I always knew this day would come. I knew it way back then and I know it today.

I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:

"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.

I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.

So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.

Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.

I never created this blog for people to pity me. I created it as a last chance to redeem myself for everything I've ever done or will do in the future. I am a drug addict, among many other problems.

I failed to meet with the psychiatrist due to various reasons, some of which I am not to blame and some because I am to blame. I told my parents I had a haircut at 9am and that I would be back around 12pm because I was going to buy some clothes for the wedding later that day. All the while I was planning on meeting with the psychiatrist at 10am right after my haircut. Well that's not what happened. My mother wanted to come along and spend some time with me, because as she puts it: "I hardly get to see you, when you are away at school" so she was along for the ride. So basically I had to skip the appointment. I email the psychiatrist that night and explained what happened, and she agreed to meet with me the next day.

On sunday I was up and ready to go to the psychiatrist (telling my parents I was going to visit some people at my work) but they had to use both cars that day for church or something, while our other car was currently in the shop. So I had no way of getting there....once again I failed.

I emailed her again and explained that there is no way I will ever be able to meet with here, not now at least. I also felt a little sigh of relief though...subconsciously I knew I didn't want to go.

I have also been smoking a lot of Salvia the past few weeks. It's simply amazing. It's cheaper than pot and legal. My bank account has also been getting rather low and I will have to work everyday of Thanksgiving break if I want to keep buying this stuff. I'm buying 1 gram of Salvia 60x and then maybe also an oz or so of weed. The only reason I'm saying all of this is because I will infact be buying it and wasting my life a little more.

I'm such a failure. This week has been a little strenuous. Just today there was another incident that made my heart stop. Me and a friend were coming outside to smoke and another guy we just met this year was outside. My friend was like "Hey guess what (My name) just did?" and the other guy says "Come out of the closet? hahah" and then I (after just 30mins after smoking salvia) kinda stood there and said "Ha, very funny" and then instantly died in my stance.

I can't take this shit anymore. I really can't do it. I've had to put up with this shit for 20 fucking years! I'm seriously on the verge of having another breakdown. I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times that if I have another mental breakdown it will be the end of my life as I know it. EVERYTHING will come crashing down and there will be no recovery. I'll end up in a mental ward like I've always feared. I'm dying on the inside, while my outside just grows more weary. I'm a psychiatrists christmas gift of fruitcake (no pun intended). Once they open me up they'll just send me on to the next recipient (shrink).....

I also didn't wake up on sunday until 7:30pm....after going to bed at 12:00am....that's 19.5 hours of sleep! That's practically and entire day of sleep. Not that it was bad sleep, but people might definitely notice that I'm sleeping more often than I should. I took four tylenol pms that night, not trying to OD or anything, but it was just a bad night that needed to be dealt with.

I feel like my life is slipping away. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Everything is just passing me by and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh wait that's called depression, like I haven't had that one before. I'm just tired. I can't find anyone to talk to in person without having to pay for it or have it go through insurance....am I asking too much to find one goddamn shrink that will offer to sit down and listen to me release my pandora's box of memories? Thanks Ahzur, I know you are trying to help me and I really do appreciate it.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

At the flip of a switch my moods change. Up and down round and round inside out left and right. All the bleedin' time. The good news is, I'm feeling a lot better today than I was yesterday. Alas, how long it will last is unbeknownst to me. Could be a few hours; could be a few days. Nobody knows! Bipolar cycling + pregnancy hormones = a psychologist's wet dream ( asin the words of Frank Gallagher - c.o. 'Shameless'; the greatest British TV series of the latter years). You can just call me Captain Cyclismo... or, more aptly, CycloGirl! de-de-dah!

 

As your rapid cycling superhero, I am at your service to fight crime and solve your problems... all I need is a cape and some y-front underpants to wear over my trousers.

 

My superpowers? Extremely heightened emotions and the ability to change from one extreme mood to the other with the click of your fingers!

 

I love my shrink. He cheered me up quite a bit today. Got me to realise what is and isn't important, so for the time being at least I'm not worrying about the stupid things that usually plague my mind. I need to stop focusing on the retrospective as I can't change anything from the past. Some things I still need to deal with, but in my own time.

 

We just chatted about random things for a while, and he made me feel better without really doing much. He's just a nice guy. Not like the other one I had. Ah, Tricky Vicky, the arch nemesis of CycloGirl! How I despise you so. I could have quite happily hacked her pretty little head into tiny pieces, pleading innocence whtn the police arrived.

 

Killing your psychiatrist is the perfect crime, when you think about it. You're obviously disturbed or you wouldn't be there. They can't lock you up if you're mad, so they'll cart you into a mental hospital instead, which, depending how far down the deranged line you are, is where you were heading anyway. So, technically, your comeuppence is what you were aiming for anyway, AND your evil shrink is dead! muahahah...

 

(ok, no, I'm joking. Don't try this out. Please. Unless you really want to. But don't blame me if it backfires...)

 

But yes. All is fine on the home front. Nicky and I sorted out whatever fight we were amidst yesterday. I managed to get some sleep last night.. only a few hours but it helped. And I have eaten today... alright, not much, a flapjack and a chocolate bar (the perfect dinner if you ask me) but I am starving so I will eat something proper very soon.

 

Well, no, scratch everything I've just written. I WOULD be feeling ok if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't seen my best friend since saturday night and I'm really worried about her... ok so she's not been online for a day, it doesn't sound much but argh.. she's always there and if she wasn't going to be she'd let me know. And I feel bad because I didn't even say bye on saturday night because I left on a 'brb' to go fight with Nicky. I just hope she's okay... I'm trying to persuade myself that it's something stupid like a computer fault, but I have a bad feeling. I REALLY hope I hear from her tonight...

 

Ok. CycloGirl needs to eat food to replenish her super powers, and get the SuperChildren to bed.

 

uh, to infinity and beyond!!!