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- tonight in class, I got to use a soldering iron, and let me tell you something, it was enjoyable (and scary!) and I would probably like to do that again.
- in NO WAY can I believe this story: http://www.newsday.com/news/local/ny-liburg0329,0,5231200.story
no way. Not Anthony. I've worked with several other people in my years who I can actually envision doing that, but not Anthony. So if it's false, the damage it's doing to his reputation is irrepairable. And if it's true, my soul is absolutely crushed.
There's no win in this situation.
((happy opening day, all! too bad the Yanks didn't get to play))
- in NO WAY can I believe this story: http://www.newsday.com/news/local/ny-liburg0329,0,5231200.story
no way. Not Anthony. I've worked with several other people in my years who I can actually envision doing that, but not Anthony. So if it's false, the damage it's doing to his reputation is irrepairable. And if it's true, my soul is absolutely crushed.
There's no win in this situation.
((happy opening day, all! too bad the Yanks didn't get to play))
Someone in the universe knew what I desperately needed...
Things like this make me happy....
Do you know what else makes me happy? Getting closure, resolving issues, and feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart.
I ran into Ryan today. It was quite unexpected, as I had just been standing there talking to Amy when he randomly walked up and was like "Hey Mea." I was so surprised that I actually jumped. No, I'm not exaggerating. And then, after I'd returned the greeting...I just stood there. I hadn't seen him in months or even talked to him since that fateful day back in November, right before he stood me up. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I fumbled and bumbled until he asked how I was and I was able to reply and inquire the same question. After a few moments of awkwardness, Amy (who knows everything in relation to the whole Ryan issue) was like "Well, I've got to go." and just left like that. Well, after that he asked about my classes, what I'm taking, etc., then if I had any plans/anything I needed to do right then. I didn't. Neither did he. He said he'd come on campus to check his P.O. box and to go to the bookstore and return/pick up some stuff. He asked if I wanted to go around with him. I said okay.
We walked and talked, occasionally joking, occasionally letting moments of awkward silence pass. He acted like everything was normal....like nothing had ever happened. He made a point to try to include me, though. Finishing with different errands and inviting me to go with him to do the next thing, asking me what paint brush to buy, and telling me that I had made his Ryan outing successful. He seemed to be trying to show my by his actions that I'm, for lack of better word, valued or appreciated. However, when we were getting ready to go our separate ways and he was saying it'd been good to see me, etc., I had to get some clarity and resolve this issue once and for all. And so, I swallowed my fear and simply said something along the lines of "Okay, I have to ask...if for no other reason than to just make things awkward....what is this, exactly? I know it's kind of mean to put you on the spot like this, but I need to know. I mean...do you want to be my friend?..I thought you did but I don't know. I don't want something like before to happen again. I don't want to be thinking one thing when the other person is thinking something else."
I was really surprised that I got enough nerve together to say that. But you know, if I want to be friends with him then I should feel comfortable being upfront and honest with him about that type of thing. And so, anyway, he responded, saying that yes, he does want to be my friend, what happened before was all on him, and that he knows he needs to pull his weight this time.
:)
So, we're good. And maybe in some ways even better than before. Because I had always kind of wondered in the back of my mind, "Are we friends? Are we classmates? Are we classmates on friendly terms? What the hell, man?" and now, I know. We're friends, both wanting the other's friendship. So I can act like we're friends. I don't have to feel like I need a reason to call him and see how he's doing, etc.
I feel so much better. I mean, I'm still stressed about stuff (school-related, of course), but it's unbelievable how much lighter my heart feels after talking to him about all of this. It's incredible.
Do you know what else makes me happy? Getting closure, resolving issues, and feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart.
I ran into Ryan today. It was quite unexpected, as I had just been standing there talking to Amy when he randomly walked up and was like "Hey Mea." I was so surprised that I actually jumped. No, I'm not exaggerating. And then, after I'd returned the greeting...I just stood there. I hadn't seen him in months or even talked to him since that fateful day back in November, right before he stood me up. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I fumbled and bumbled until he asked how I was and I was able to reply and inquire the same question. After a few moments of awkwardness, Amy (who knows everything in relation to the whole Ryan issue) was like "Well, I've got to go." and just left like that. Well, after that he asked about my classes, what I'm taking, etc., then if I had any plans/anything I needed to do right then. I didn't. Neither did he. He said he'd come on campus to check his P.O. box and to go to the bookstore and return/pick up some stuff. He asked if I wanted to go around with him. I said okay.
We walked and talked, occasionally joking, occasionally letting moments of awkward silence pass. He acted like everything was normal....like nothing had ever happened. He made a point to try to include me, though. Finishing with different errands and inviting me to go with him to do the next thing, asking me what paint brush to buy, and telling me that I had made his Ryan outing successful. He seemed to be trying to show my by his actions that I'm, for lack of better word, valued or appreciated. However, when we were getting ready to go our separate ways and he was saying it'd been good to see me, etc., I had to get some clarity and resolve this issue once and for all. And so, I swallowed my fear and simply said something along the lines of "Okay, I have to ask...if for no other reason than to just make things awkward....what is this, exactly? I know it's kind of mean to put you on the spot like this, but I need to know. I mean...do you want to be my friend?..I thought you did but I don't know. I don't want something like before to happen again. I don't want to be thinking one thing when the other person is thinking something else."
I was really surprised that I got enough nerve together to say that. But you know, if I want to be friends with him then I should feel comfortable being upfront and honest with him about that type of thing. And so, anyway, he responded, saying that yes, he does want to be my friend, what happened before was all on him, and that he knows he needs to pull his weight this time.
:)
So, we're good. And maybe in some ways even better than before. Because I had always kind of wondered in the back of my mind, "Are we friends? Are we classmates? Are we classmates on friendly terms? What the hell, man?" and now, I know. We're friends, both wanting the other's friendship. So I can act like we're friends. I don't have to feel like I need a reason to call him and see how he's doing, etc.
I feel so much better. I mean, I'm still stressed about stuff (school-related, of course), but it's unbelievable how much lighter my heart feels after talking to him about all of this. It's incredible.
SURVIVING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
SHRAPNEL
By Lily DeVilliers
One of the real problems that I have with the current societal view of abuse survivors is the heavy emphasis on self-help-centered 'healing' and 'recovery' from the abuse.
Domestic violence falls under the category of 'traumatic shock' - any event that destroys the internalized set of assumptions, patterns and understandings that we all use to operate in the world every day. Along with combat veterans, earthquake victims, hostages and prisoners of war, survivors of spousal abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to incorporate the new information that the people closest to you can actually be the most dangerous.
The problem with self-help overall in this context - the 12-step programs, soul-soothing books, meditation and general emphasis on moving on, moving forward and leaving behind - is that it may be working directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Self-help seems to assume what the name already implies: that the source of the problem is in the victim's perception of her own self, not of the external world, and can be fixed or addressed by applying personal change. For a survivor who has already had her world-view profoundly altered by domestic abuse, forcing a re-assessment of the self before the world-view is reintegrated may appear to produce good results, but in many cases it may be working against permanent long-term recovery.
Self-help urges several things that make sense individually, but which add up to a tangle of contradictions when taken together. The survivor is variously urged to 'move on at once' but also not to 'repeat patterns'; to 'learn from the experience' but not to 'blame others'; to 'empower herself' so as to avoid further abuse and at the same time to 'accept responsibility' for her part in it. She's to 'examine what happened' but not to 'brood' or to 'dwell'. None of these directives makes sense.
Traumatic shock and the genuine need to rebuild a new world view make these conflicting instructions seem reasonable, but overall they add up to greater confusion and psychic splitting rather than less. If a survivor is to figure out what was missing from her reality before the abuse, but she's not allowed to be 'overly negative' or 'play the victim' by blaming anyone else, then the only person she can end up finding responsible is herself. And yet being 'empowered' is supposedly the key to avoiding further abuse.
So does that mean a survivor who takes responsibility for being abused the first time is sending a firm message to future abusers? And if it happens again, is it her fault again for not being 'empowered' enough to avoid it?
It makes a great deal more sense to just allow the survivor to speak clearly about the abuser: what he appeared to be, what she sees him as now, and what actions, issues and behaviours from him might account for the difference, rather than turning her eyes in towards her own self.
It makes more sense to allow her to compare that difference to what she's previously believed to be true about men, and then to expand that knowledge to include pathologies like battering, rather than insisting that she just change the view of herself. It would make more sense to allow her to develop anger and force and clarity, rather than urging transcendence and imposed serenities.
The trouble with the self-help approach for spousal abuse is that in this context, responsibility does belong elsewhere than the victim. And learning from the experience does inevitably involve increased negativity about human nature. These are the real tools that will allow survivors to rise again with increased strength, not hamper them.
ORIGINAL SOURCE
Domestic violence falls under the category of 'traumatic shock' - any event that destroys the internalized set of assumptions, patterns and understandings that we all use to operate in the world every day. Along with combat veterans, earthquake victims, hostages and prisoners of war, survivors of spousal abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to incorporate the new information that the people closest to you can actually be the most dangerous.
The problem with self-help overall in this context - the 12-step programs, soul-soothing books, meditation and general emphasis on moving on, moving forward and leaving behind - is that it may be working directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Self-help seems to assume what the name already implies: that the source of the problem is in the victim's perception of her own self, not of the external world, and can be fixed or addressed by applying personal change. For a survivor who has already had her world-view profoundly altered by domestic abuse, forcing a re-assessment of the self before the world-view is reintegrated may appear to produce good results, but in many cases it may be working against permanent long-term recovery.
Self-help urges several things that make sense individually, but which add up to a tangle of contradictions when taken together. The survivor is variously urged to 'move on at once' but also not to 'repeat patterns'; to 'learn from the experience' but not to 'blame others'; to 'empower herself' so as to avoid further abuse and at the same time to 'accept responsibility' for her part in it. She's to 'examine what happened' but not to 'brood' or to 'dwell'. None of these directives makes sense.
Traumatic shock and the genuine need to rebuild a new world view make these conflicting instructions seem reasonable, but overall they add up to greater confusion and psychic splitting rather than less. If a survivor is to figure out what was missing from her reality before the abuse, but she's not allowed to be 'overly negative' or 'play the victim' by blaming anyone else, then the only person she can end up finding responsible is herself. And yet being 'empowered' is supposedly the key to avoiding further abuse.
So does that mean a survivor who takes responsibility for being abused the first time is sending a firm message to future abusers? And if it happens again, is it her fault again for not being 'empowered' enough to avoid it? It makes a great deal more sense to just allow the survivor to speak clearly about the abuser: what he appeared to be, what she sees him as now, and what actions, issues and behaviours from him might account for the difference, rather than turning her eyes in towards her own self.
It makes more sense to allow her to compare that difference to what she's previously believed to be true about men, and then to expand that knowledge to include pathologies like battering, rather than insisting that she just change the view of herself. It would make more sense to allow her to develop anger and force and clarity, rather than urging transcendence and imposed serenities.
The trouble with the self-help approach for spousal abuse is that in this context, responsibility does belong elsewhere than the victim. And learning from the experience does inevitably involve increased negativity about human nature. These are the real tools that will allow survivors to rise again with increased strength, not hamper them.
ORIGINAL SOURCE
you fucks are ignorant :D
Tony's care blew up today. He has first and second degree burns.
And no one could even say, "Wow, what a shame."
But you could all stop in and gawk at the pictures.
I'm disappointed in you.
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Re: One year ago today... - Give Sadie a hug . Remember she is seven now and can read to you.
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