Shit That Happened @ MindSay 
happened
anywayzzzz, before all of that happened, my dad and i got in a fight (i guess you could call it that) it totally sucked, he just totally broke me down and made me feel worse than dirt, like i was nothing. when i did absolutely nothing wrong. he said i was treating him like a punk, and that i was ungrateful. he was also saying shit like i didnt respect him and shit like that, when i have more respect for that guy than anyone i know, even though he has put me through hell my whole fucking life. it sucks to hear him say that to me because i feel that i do everything in my power to impress him, make him proud of me, let him know i respect him and all that jazz. he even said to me, i bet you wouldent want to hang out eith me if we didnt do anything, that was a total low blow. he thinks i just associate with him because he has money and he buys me shit, if anything i would think it is the complete opposite. i would think he is trying to buy me. anway, after that whole fiasco, jaclyn came over to get my mind off shit, which worked, we went to jamba juice and then to the park before she had to go to work, it put me in a fantastic mood. as i have said before, she like has a talent or somthing in getting me to feel better. i really appreciate her.
anyway, i should go to bed now. ttyl.
And an interesting thing happened. While I was kneeling down to say my prayers before mass I think I kind of went into some kind of meditative state of mind or something. I'm not much for praying. I don't do it very often and the only place I really ever do it is in church. And just so you know I'm not one of those over pious bible thumping Jesus Freaks who is always "feeling the presence of the Lord". I have had a few spiritual moments but sometimes I think that I might have subconsciously forced them on myself because they all happened while I was at Catholic Teen retreats where almost everyone around me was speaking in tongues or some shit.
But, anyways, this afternoon I had just finished a Hail Mary when my prayer just kind of wondered. I just started praying about the possibility of children in my future. I prayed that my son would not be like me. Not make the same mistakes I have made. Not be the fuck up I am. I prayed that he would be smarter then me and take school serious because I never did and regret it.
I don't know if I want kids. I mean I've thought about it before and back when Coral and I had a good some-what serious relationship we broached the subject a few times. But at the stage of my life I'm at kids don't seem to play into the picture. That doesn't mean I'm gonna go off and have a vasectomy to never ever have kids it's just that I don't really think I'm "father material".
Of course, every man has these thoughts and has probably said similar prayers. But I haven't really ever prayed about fatherhood. And I didn't plan to do so today. My subconscious or soul or whatever just seemed to take over and do all the talking after that first Hail Mary. And then when it was done praying for me I just kind of snapped out of it. I felt a little puzzled but felt really relaxed when earlier I had been feeling very tired and stressed out. I was very aware of what had happened. So, I just kept on praying for a few more minutes. Just a few Our Fathers, Glory Be's and Hail Marys.
And the combined feelings of relaxation and puzzlement have been with me since.
Mark
that happened a bunch today!
holy shit!!
oh and by the way:
i know that you're talking shit about me right in front of my face.
do you think i'm just stupid or something?
damn.
Well tha majority of my day was good. I went to the gym and then to work. But I got to work and realized I had missed that cashier's meeting which was at 8. I had completely forgotten about it. I called one of my manager's and groveled my face off and he said it was fine, just dont let it happen again. Then Curtis (different one, this guy is awesome!) asked me to put some more Smart Water in the fridge up front. I put some in from a box and then when I went to pick it up, the extra waters fell all over the place. No biggie, still annoying. The one nice/cute thing that happened is this adorable 4 year old girl with light brown hair and big blue eyes came in with her dad. I asked her if she wanted a balloon and she looked sad and then whispered to her dad. She then looked at me and said "I dont want a balloon cuz they're bad for the sea turtles." SO FRIGGING CUTE AND THOUGHTFUL! but yeah so everything was dandy but then this asshole comes in griping about how supposedly the vitamin water is cheaper at another store. The main manager said he could have 10% off the vitamin water. That was fine, but I had to do all the flavors seperately. Even with the 10% off, the man was still bitching about how even with the discount Publix is cheaper. whatever. but I was feeling pressured. Then I ring up one bottle and it's original price was 20 cents higher than the others. Ed , the main manager, comes over and asks what the problem is. because I got frantic and scared being pressured by two people, I did a not so perfect, but would have worked way of ringing up and discounting the incorrectly priced vitamin water. Ed, who never works with registers,HATED what i did. His personality completely changed. he yelled at me in front of the customer, said if I'm doing things that way he has no reason for me to be working there, and then said some other shit but I was so far upset at that point all I heard were mean blah blah blahs. If ed was normally like that, I wouldnt have cared, but the fact was I was already on my toes since I missed the meeting, I was being pressured, and there's that shit with my dad, and ed most of the time is almost scarily nice! Well Ed, angry and frustrated, walked away. The customer kept bitching at me and I lost it. I broke down crying at the register. Then the man got really angry, and said he'd never come back and that Ed shouldnt have yelled at me. He said he didnt want anything and left. Erin returned the stuff while I ran to the back of the store and cried my face off. Curtis felt horrible and hugged me and said not to worry because Ed loses his temper sometimes and that I should just sit in the bathroom till I felt well enough to come out. So I cried for awhile. Then I came out and Ed said he wanted to talk to me. So he pulled me in the office and pretty much treated me like an idiot despite me explaining why I didnt do the transaction as I should have (even though it would have been fine either way) but he said he was sorry and that he should have handled it differently, but I could tell no matter what he felt like he was right inside and it pissed me off but I just cried instead since I was still overwhelmed and hurt. Fortunately this happened at pretty much closing time. Ed says he's going to talk to another manager about it. It's not neccessary, but fuck it. I wont lose my job, I know that. It's just annoying, especially since it'll have to be dragged out AGAIN. But yeah that kinda fucked up my day.
so I left NS and drove to Brandy's for her going away party since she's leaving NS and going on active duty in the Army on the 1st. By the time I got there everyone was gone, but she had saved me some food. We talked about what had happened, and she said she felt awful about what happened and that I handled it well and yeah Ed can do a 180 and be really mean sometimes. We ate and talked for a bit, and then I left. I hugged her and said I'd miss her. She's so cool. I think if she didnt have to go, we could have been really good friends.
well now I'm home. leave me some love, please. I feel uber shitty and your replies always make my day brighter!
~love, Angel
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