Shit @ MindSay

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Today was a weird Sunday - not like my usual routine.
Nana and grandad are on holiday somewhere at a camp down south - so I didn't get my Sunday roast today.
Instead, I got a greasy English breakfast. Mam was shouting me at about 12 to come down - she'd made me a fried egg, sausages, a bit of bacon and a slice of toast. It was a nice change, I suppose.

Afterwards, we watched some Come Dine With Me and a DVD's worth of Desparate Housewives.
And unlike most Sundays, I didn't spend all day playing video games - I actually don't think I played any. :(

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I was meant to go to Teesside University today for the open day.
I didn't go.
I was too nervous.
It sounds pathetic, I know.
I spent a lot of the day beating myself up over it.
I went into town with Lewis and Shelly.
We looked in all the charity shops for music boxes for the Spieluhr video.
We couldn't find any.
But I did get this retro bowl to use as a shaving bowl for our film sequence.
I ate a Greedy Joe's sandwich.
Then bought a shitload of crisps and a Snack bar when I went back to college.
We did more work with the pinhole cameras.
But I proper couldn't be arsed.
Shelly and I were at each others' throats a lot.
We punched each other and she pulled my hair, so I kicked her in the legs.
I was sad.
Today wasn't a good day for Dixie.

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This depression lapse is really starting to piss me off.
Whatever I feel though, it's doubled, perhaps even tripled when I'm at college. Because when I'm at home, I don't stand the risk of being bullied or being judged - even the comments mam makes aren't as bad as the ones I'd get at college. Yes, my mam does have the power to make me want to instantly want to cut myself, but when I'm at college - I don't have my chance to slink off and do so. Even if I do carry around my staple remover or a blade with me, it's only a comfort - it's never really safe to use it in college. It's there for emergencies though, if I ever do need it that badly.

Media Studies kicked off the day by depressing me. Mondays are coursework "planning" and "researching" lessons. I've already researched my chosen topic. I know so much about Rammstein, having been a die-hard fan for 5 years and completing 3 educational projects on them beforehand. I've already planned my production. 3/4 of the script is written and all the location, camera and costume notes are saved. I still haven't discussed it fully with Ash... I am really scared of her response. I never like to share ideas with Ash. Even if she doesn't reject them - I always think she's resenting her agreement, either that or she's biting her tongue. Fair enough, Ash is virtually perfect - in every area that I'm not, anyway...

In my break, I ate a bag of cheddar and onion McCoys, a sausage bun and drank 3/4 of a bottle of water. I'd forgotten to bring my bottle out of the fridge, so I ended up buying them. Finally though, water is economically priced in college. Bottled water should be no more than 50p.

English was cancelled - and we were supposed to find slagface Sue to give us our work - but we couldn't find her. So after hanging about for a pointless 20 minutes and resenting talking to the rest of the arseholes who were waiting with me - except Sefeena of course, she's sound - I went back downstairs. I couldn't be arsed going in the LRC, so I ended up listening to Lisa and playing the odd few games of Solitaire.

I'd wanted to do something today, but I didn't end up doing it.
I wanted to write a letter, sort of - basically a confessional letter adressed to mainly Shelly, but would have areas relevent to maybe Ash and Adam. Basically outlining how I feel right now.
This depression lapse is the worst one I've had yet - but what's pissing me off the most is the fact I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT...

When Shelly came, we weren't excactly close. She was holding my hand and trying to console me, but I refused to kiss her or cuddle up to her. She thought it was because it was her - but it wasn't. I wasn't in the mood to show affection full stop. I didn't care that we were in college - I'm starting to get over my sexuality. Well, I was never uncomfortable with it anyway. I wouldn't care if I groped Shelly's boobs and snogged her face off infront of a crowd of 50,000 - I just can't understand why people use the word "lesbian" as an insult.
I can understand them calling me "fat" as an insult, because being fat isn't exactly a good thing. It's a danger to your health - but being a lesbian isn't.

I ended up shouting at her in Photography because she fucked me off. She did her usual trick of treating me like I'm stupid. Reality check for her - I have three A* grades, she doesn't have any.
And what annoyed me the most was that it was over the most trivial of things - she didn't think I knew that the fact I was mashing the F5 button caused the page to reset.
WELL FUCKING NOR. I'D REALLY SIT THERE AND MASH A RANDOM BUTTON HOPING SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

So she went to the other side of the room. Didn't bother me none, I had Lisa.
Paul came over - but I was deliberatley rude to him. When he started talking about my ideas, my responses were the usual, but my tone said differently.
I hate getting ideas now. The problem is - they're all fucking mint - but they're all going to be either wasted, or not used to their full potential - and the results will turn out shit.

I bought a new sketchbook - fucking beasty A3 one - and that was a cunt to carry back to the bus station.
I did about 3/4 of the first page - writing an epic introductory wankery paragraph.
(I seem to do a lot of things 3/4 today.)

Although now I'm home, I still feel depressed - but nowhere near as bad as I was all day.
The bruise from Tuesday has proper come up. It's huge. It's like 5 inches wide - and it's bright yellow. Mam made the comment: "well you have big calves, so it must be a big bruise" - well nor, I'd look a bit stupid being a size 18, 13-14 stone and having SMALL CALVES to compare to a rounded body. Stupid cow.

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I was in a terrible mood all day. I only really cheered up when I got home.
I was tired when I woke up, and I couldn't be arsed walking to Eston for the bus - but I had to, because neither mam or dad would take me to college. Twats.
Media Studies was meh, as was English - though in English, all we really did was organise our folders then make more notes on the theorists. It wasn't exactly a strenuous lesson. In Media Studies, we sort of wasted our time "researching" for our coursework - but at last, I actually have a reasonable idea.
 
I met up with Shelly during the lunch break and we instantly moved - as we were sat on the tables by construction and were surrounded by chavs on all sides. We went to the LRC and I started working on this new coursework idea.
For my essay, I'll write about how Rammstein use controversial issues to attract their audience - and I'll either analyse the Mein Teil video or the lyrics. That's the best song I could possibly choose. And I also analysed it 3 years ago for GCSE Media Studies - so I know exactly what I'd write. :P
 
For the production, I wanted to go down the music route with the essay and make a music video to go with it. It's taken me weeks to decide on what band - but the second I did - I instantly chose the song.
 
I needed something that:
a) didn't already have a music video
b) was slightly controversial
c) but wasn't so controversial, the music video would consist of me raping my friends for 3 minutes
 
I cycled through Lisa for a while, going through all the Rammstein songs - and the only ones that stuck out were Spieluhr, Spiel Mit Mir and Stein Um Stein.
 
Stein Um Stein would be semi-impossible to make a video from, and Spiel Mit Mir - well, how would you make a video about insest between two siblings? Pray tell?
So I've settled on Spieluhr. A depressed child who decides to die is fairly controversial, isn't it?
 
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Photography is where I got super-pissed off though.
I'm so sick of Paul treating Shelly like shit. He's looking for any excuse to throw her off the course. He even sunk as low as to ask her if she had a GCSE in Art - which she owned him with, because she actually has - and most of the new AS students, even Lewis - don't have one.
 
When he started moaning at her about not going out and taking photos - opting to do research - which by the way, I was doing myself - I snapped and ended up shouting at him. I said he couldn't moan at her for doing something I was doing also. And Shelly actually has some photos from the weekend - I don't.
 
He's such a fucking prick. Seriously.
 
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The highlight of tonight had to be attacking the freezer with mam.
It's had the door left open, so the ice has started to PROPER build up inside to the point where the door won't shut properly.
So we got buckets - mam used a meat cleaver and I used a wooden spatula - and we mashed most of the ice up out of there. It was oddly fun. :D
 
The sink is currently full of the stuff, there's a proper mountain of ice shavings and chunks about half a metre high. It was fun, even though I got my socks wet.
 
We finished the night with the last episode of Desparate Housewives that Paul had burned for us - we're now waiting for the next DVDs. Then I talked on the phone with Shelly for a while before I got to sleep - offering her my moral support and coaching as to how to be an epic We Love Katamari player. :P

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College was pretty shit today. Neither Lewis, Shelly or Michaella were in, so I had a day all alone.
Both lessons were reasonable, if not just a little tedious. I spent my beasty break in the middle of the day in the LRC. I was updating old blogs and mooching around on Wikipedia to find something to amuse myself.

When I came home, I ate some cheesy hotdogs and opened the 3 packages that arrived today:
- Resident Evil: Outbreak
- Freak Out
- Galerians: Ash

Galerians was really dirty so I tried to clean it under the tap. It's got like a layer of greasy dirt on it that just doesn't seem to want to go away. I just hope it plays alright.

Saying that, today was a day I wasted away really. I didn't even turn my PS2 on.
For most of the night, I was just laid in bed talking to Shelly on the phone for several hours.
I hate days like this, I don't have bloody anything to talk about - and by the end of the week, I've forgotten anything. On top of that, I usually waste 5-8 hours doing absolute shite all. :(