Sexuality @ MindSay 
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My only class on Tuesday/Thursday this semester is a little gem called Sexualities and Society- Soc 269 (Yes, the 69 is on purpose, which I still find hilarious). I really cannot even explain to you what this course is like. It's definitely unlike I have taken or will ever take. The first day of class, my professor, who is a sex sociologist by profession, showed increasingly erotic pictures over the projecter throughout the hour long class. The first image was of a couple holding hands, then a scantly clad couple cuddling on the beach. As the hour went on, more and more skin was shown, and the images got more and more shocking. By the end of it, we were viewing some very X-rated pictures- a woman using a huge dildo on herself, one man giving another head, and so on. I was somewhat shocked, but very intrigued. We all had to make a pledge saying that we'd been exposed to what the content of the class would be like and that we had been warned that it contained explicit material.
Throughout the semester, all kinds of topics have been covered, sparking conversations I will never again see in a classroom setting. Most notably, we watched a 45 minute montage of hardcore pornography, projected on the huge screen. It was definitely different to watch porn in a classroom with 100 or so other students. We watched it with a very critical eye- where is the camera focusing? why is this hot or not hot?- but it was still all very surreal.
Though the shock value of this class has worn off some, and some lectures are more mundane than others, this class has been an eye opener for me. Today was no exception. We have a big assignment coming up called our "creative project" (which I need to get started on...ugh). One of the students in my class, a curvy 30-something mother of five, put on a passion party for our class today. For those of you who are unaware (I was!), this is a akin to a Tupperware party, or a Mary Kay/Avon sample session, except the items being sold are sex items. That's right, lubricants, massage oils, edible everything, dildos, and vibrators. Tiffany, the presenter, came dressed in a sexy cop costume and proceeded to market her products, handing out samples and giving first hand accounts about many of the products. She even passed around several vibrators! I really enjoyed myself and am thinking of purchasing a couple of things for myself :P
Sexaulities and Society is a ballsy class that never would have existed even just a couple of decades ago. I think it's fantastic that we as students can discuss and learn about sexuality in more than a biological or psychological way. It's something we all experience- everyone has a sexuality whether it be hetero, homo, bi, or a. The main point of this class that my foul mouthed professor continues to drive home is sex positivity. That means viewing sex as normal, healthy, and good. It means not being afraid to discuss sex.
My professor defines sex positivity in five key points:
1. Use appropriate of terms and labels. This means calling a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina. From a young age, it's important to teach kids these words, instead of using things like"pee-pee" or "private spot". It also means that although there are many slang terms for penis, vagina, and sex (you know them- dick, cock, shlong, pussy, cunt, hoo-ha, fucking, doing the nasty, gettin' it on...I could go on for days), it's healthy to use their real names on many occasions.
2. Recognize boundaries and limitations. This one is more obvious. Everyone has boundaries and no one finds it pleasant for those boundaries to be crossed. The goal is to be open, but don't say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Let your limitations be known.
3. Use humor when applicable. That's right, it's okay to laugh. Sometimes having sex or talking about sex can be uncomfortable or awkward, and it's more than okay to break the tension with a little bit of humor and laughter.
4. Understand and apply sexual variation. Put simply, everyone has sex in different ways and finds different things sexy. Your ultimate fantasy may not be someone else's, and that's okay. Maybe you're a man that like to wear women's underwear and is in to BDSM. That's okay too. Everyone is different, and difference is a-okay. Refrain from judging others and in turn know that your sexuality is normal too.
5. Create a dialogue about sexuality. Yup, talk about sex! The more people who feel comfortable discussing sex with one another, the better. Although America is crazy sexual, it is also surprisingly very sex negative. It's okay to talk about sex with your partner. (This may sound obvious, but many couples do not in fact ever discuss sex- they simply have it). It's okay to talk about sex with your friends. It's okay to talk about sex with your kids and yes, it's okay to talk about sex with your parents. Everyone has sex, it's natural and wonderful and not something to be ashamed of. Share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings with others. I really feel that America would be a better place if we started teaching our kids about sex while they're young, and continue to foster their sexual growth. Why is sex still so taboo?! We all have had it, are having it, or will have it. So what's to hide?
I didn't mean to get up on my soap box, but there you go. Now get out there and have sex! Err, I mean, be sex positive!
I’ve been on vacation and have had the opportunity to catch up on my Oprah. Recently she had a show regarding supposedly straight women “turning gay”. It was actually a follow up on a previous show about a long time married woman who left her husband for a woman, who actually looked a lot like her husband, and was at the time happily ensconced in her first official lesbian relationship. Now a few years later the relationship has ended and the straight, then lesbian is now straight again. Though pining for her past lover. Woman, not man.
That story was very interesting but what really hooked me was the expert. I guess she was an expert in sexuality? I’m not sure, I didn’t catch that part. The expert has a book out and her claim to fame is that sexuality is on a continuum. It ranges from 0 which would be 100% homosexual to 5 which are 100% heterosexual. She claims that we are all on this scale at some point between 0 and 5. That not many people, certainly female people, are truly 100% either way.
Theoretically I can buy this theory 100%. It makes complete sense to me that sexuality would be a range scale. But in reality, I’m not sure that I buy it. And I bring up Oprah’s own heartbroken guest as evidence. This woman married to a man for year’s states she had “messed around” sexually with girls in college. That she was not surprised when she found herself attracted to the woman formerly in her life. She is currently in a relationship again with a man but admits that she would much rather be with this woman. She states that her hetero relationships are nowhere near the intensity of her lesbian relationship and that she felt much more like herself when she was in her lesbian relationship vs. hetero. I think she’s a lesbian. Perhaps not willing to commit, but a lesbian all the same.
The expert states that most women are in the middle of the range. That young women today are more of the attitude that they are open to either and that gender doesn’t determine their partner. I don’t know that I buy this theory. Our media driven culture certainly indulges girl on girl relationships. I believe this current trend is related more to revenue streams than social conscience. Men certainly aren’t socially open to experiment. Are we repressing men? If it were socially acceptable for men to experiment sexually would they? If they were on a continuum, wouldn’t they? I can’t see that happening. But maybe it’s just my Midwestern roots coming back to bite me again.
Is sexuality like many of the gray areas in life? Aren't we programmed one way or the other? We can adapt to the in-between but fundamentally don't we have a preference?
I'd rather my boyfriend watch porn that fuck random women from bars or something. Porn also allows for fantasies not easily or even possibly carried out in reality. I am not personally into X type of sexual activity and if my boyfriend were I would prefer her pursue that interest outside of our sexual contact. In turn I feel I deserve the sexual freedom to have interests in visual stimuli outside the boundaries of my time with him as well. Is that so wrong? Should that be off limits for people who have found a connection with some one? Honestly does pornography and sexuality in general only apply to singles? I like to think that I am not only part of a relationship but also a person on my own... and well... that applies to my sexuality as well as my personality.
Sorry world.
At first glance, same-sex marriage appears to be a textbook example of such an argument. However, on closer inspection, I find it difficult to even positively assess one side's viewpoint, let alone incorporate aspects of it within my own opinion.
Perhaps I should explain exactly what my view is.
My firm belief is that, in a utilitarian society (which, in most aspects, Western nations clearly resemble), the concept of enforcing a system that limits human rights, despite there being no evidence of the alternative causing significant personal harm or societal damage in any way, is absurd. And yet, this is the current situation in Australia - there is no universal legal recognition of same-sex couples, certainly not on equal par with that granted to heterosexual couples, should they choose to formally commit to each other.
I would like to address some of the major arguments opposing my view, to show just how weak the current governmental and societal paradigm is.
One such argument claims that, as marriage is primarily the domain of monogamous couples, and (most likely reflecting a lack of awareness about homosexuality on the arguer's part) that monogamy is not really an aspect of the 'gay' lifestyle. This assumption, even if it were true, is completely irrelevant - for, even if the majority of homosexuals did indeed prefer promiscuity, that is no reason to bar the remainder from exercising their desire to commit to the (theoretically) unconventional lifestyle. Indeed, if there was only one couple who desired to be legally united, I do not see why their rights should be denied because of the preferences of others.
Another argument states that marriage entails the right to parent children, and is thus inappropriate for homosexuals, as the ideal environment for a child to be raised is with two parents representing each sex. This proposition is seriously flawed, as it ignores the fact that single-parent families are far from uncommon in this day and age. One might counter that such a situation is far from ideal, but the fact remains that the law grants the single mother the right to be parent to her child - how then can it be logically argued that it would be less desirable if the single mother was replaced by two mothers, or two fathers?
Indeed, there is little logical basis to even suggest that heterosexual parents are in any way more adept at raising children than their homosexual counterparts. While it is true that heterosexual parenthood is the natural order, the fact is that advanced technology, changes in gender roles and highly available information give homosexual parents as much chance as heterosexual parents of raising children in a healthy, positive environment.
The last major argument appeals to religion, but I choose to discard this completely - after all, the tenet of the separation of church and state is one that predates this debate by centuries, and thus, religious opposition should have no impact on the making of laws.
In conclusion, there seems to be little, if any credence to arguments against same-sex marriage, and neither does there seem to be a reason why it is not yet a wholly accepted part of society. This is a situation that must change - and soon.
I'm not sure why I like sharing these, but I do. I remember that I posted the paper that I wrote for Choices and Changes in Sexuality when I took that class, too. (Yes, the ex-gf in this paper is cyn) I hope y'all enjoy!
Going through the attitude questionnaire in the book actually gave me a lot more to think about in terms of what my attitudes towards sexuality were/are. Not only that, but it made me think about what exactly are my parents’ views on a lot of the issues in the questionnaire. When it came down to it, there were quite a bit that I honestly just had no clue. For example, question number five asks, “In a loving relationship, having sex with others outside the primary relationship is all right if both partners agree.” As much as I’d love to take a guess, which I did with some of the other questions based on things my parents have told me or what they’ve said about issues in the news such as gay marriage, I really have no idea what my parents think about this topic.
Question five was also one of the few questions that I differed on from the “4-6 years ago” column. Before I would have said I “somewhat disagree” just because I simply find it hard to believe that a couple would be ok with that. However, as the years have gone by I’ve read some articles, talked to some people, and within the last couple months had my own experience with this kind of a situation in which a married couple asked me to be their girlfriend. Of course jealousy eventually overcame the wife and she made us break up even though me nor her husband were ready to, (and I say “of course” because I feel like an idiot for having any sort of faith that the relationship would work), but even with that said, I would now say that I “strongly agree.”
Another thing that made it difficult for me to rate what I think my parents’ answers would have been is the fact that my mom and dad’s opinions are different on some of these issues, or they might feel the same way but the reason is different. For example, I know this wasn’t a question on there, but when I was two years old my mom got pregnant with my brother. (He was born when I was three, my birthday being in February and his is in March.) My mom just kind of decided that she might as well come clean with me about the facts of life: How babies are made, where they come from, the process of bringing them into the world and so on. She even gave me a little brochure to look at about the cervix dilating and going into labor and light exercises that were good for pregnant mothers that wouldn’t hurt their unborn babies. It made sense to her- she was visibly pregnant and she knew that her daughter was very curious and would be asking about what was going on. My dad, on the other hand, even after my mom explained everything to me and gave me the brochure, still told me that babies were brought by the stork. I remember coming up with some kind of weird, two year old reasoning for this, like some parents preferred to have their baby brought by a stork so it was another option, but I was very confused at first.
I also noticed that even though I feel the same way about some of these issues, the reason why I feel that way is different or that my opinions on it differ slightly. An example of this is that 4-6 years ago I believed that abortion was a great option available for unplanned pregnancies. I still believe this; however, back then I would have been totally willing to have an abortion if I got pregnant. Now, because of various life experiences again, I’m not sure I could go through with that. I’m sure that as my life goes on, more experiences will change or alter some more of my opinions on sexual issues.
Self-Evaluation
For the self evaluation, these are a lot of questions that I’ve answered myself or in talking to friends in the past or in the Choices and Changes in Sexuality class, and I think its interesting how some of these answers differ from my own. It amazes me that even when I was younger, I figured that a lot of people had similar experiences with sex to the ones that I had. I’m not sure why I thought this, it doesn’t really make logical sense, but for some reason I did. I have always been fairly open about my sexuality and curious about the sexuality of others though, so I quickly learned that this was not the case.
Nudity
I know that when I was very young, my dad was comfortable with being nude around me. I remember seeing him walk around the house and being fascinated with how his parts differed from my mom’s. I’m not sure when this stopped, though. I’d guess that it was probably around when I was three or four, and I’m not sure why this was either. Maybe it had to do with the new baby in the house, or maybe he thought his daughter was getting too old to see penis all the time. I’ve never asked. My mom on the other hand has been very open about her body and being nude around both me and my brother for pretty much my whole life. I think it was when I was home for a break last year that I was watching TV in their bedroom and she walked in and kicked me out because she needed to change. I was shocked! I hadn’t seen her vulva since I was about 10 or so, but I was 19 before she decided she wasn’t comfortable with me seeing hear breasts anymore. Again, I’m not sure why this change occurred. I almost wonder if it’s because I’ve never been as open about my body with her. My dad could understand my modesty, but she couldn’t. I still remember how angry she was when I told her I was modest even around her.
I’m not sure how comfortable I’m going to be with my children, if I ever have them, in terms of being nude in front of them. More likely than not I’ll probably be like my mom, but I also have a lot of issues with my body. I remember being a kid and my dad calling my mom fat and then he’d get me and my brother to do it, too. We didn’t know any better then, we were both very young, but I also know that still doesn’t make it right, and I guess one of my fears is that my children will say things about my body, too.
Masturbation
When I was very young again, probably when I was in second grade, I somehow discovered that if I sat just right on the corner of the desks, it felt really good. Now that I know about my anatomy, I realize that I was rubbing my clitoris on the corners of the desks. I almost wonder if this early activity is one of the reasons it’s so sensitive now. At 9 years old I started puberty, and shortly after my 10th birthday I found myself curious one day as to why sex feels good. I piled some blankets together on my bed because it was the closest to something that could actually penetrate me as I could get, (the idea of a finger hadn’t even occurred to me at all), and I humped them. This didn’t really answer why sex felt good, but it in my mind it definitely answered that it did, and really, that was all that mattered. I’ve been masturbating ever since and I’m turning 21 next week.
I never told anyone what I did when I was younger, because I thought of it like sex and I thought my parents would get mad at me if they knew. (I have no shame now.) At the time I also thought that I was the only person doing this, even though I remember wondering about how boys would do what I was doing. Would they have sex with a cup or something? Even though my mom had told me what I needed to know about puberty, I didn’t learn about masturbation until Sex Ed in school a couple years later.
Sex-Slang—“Dirty Words”
I feel comfortable using every dirty word that I can think of. I think the only ones I ever hesitate with are “taint,” or “poon” or any variation of that, just because it sounds so much more objectifying of my anatomy than words like, “pussy” or “cunt.” I’m not sure why, but they do. I’m honestly not sure which of these words my parents feel comfortable using- I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad likes using all the female ones and my mom likes using all the male ones. For me, though, it comes down to why or how someone says it. Like if a friend called me a cunt, I’d probably be ok with it. If someone else did, I don’t know. It also depends on why they’re calling me that. If someone calls me a cunt because they mean I’m a bitch, it wouldn’t hurt me as much as if they did it because they were objectifying me, especially if a man called me that.
First Sexual Experience
My first sexual experience was with a man that was a lot older than me. We didn’t have sex, but he felt me up, sucked my nipples a bit, and I gave him a blow job. I remember feeling really excited that here I was, 14 and feeling like someone wanted everyone around me except for me, a fat little girl that no one had any sort of interest in, and now I was getting attention from a boy and if I kept seeing him then maybe eventually I’d have him to satisfy me sexually so I wouldn’t have to masturbate, at least not as much. I’m really not sure how much it affected me.
Male-Female Intercourse
I know that I first learned about this when I was very young, when my mom was pregnant with my brother because she explained all of that to me. I don’t remember my reactions to it at all, though. My first personal experience with vaginal intercourse was…well, I don’t want to say unusual because I know that many people have had similar ones, but it’s not something that I’m comfortable sharing right now. I will say, though, that my attitudes are different. The best way I can explain it is like this: I should have waited until I was married, but since I’ve already lost my virginity and I like sex, why should I stop having it as long as both me and my partner are consenting?
Same-Gender Activities and Transgender Attitudes
I honestly have no idea how I learned about same sex attractions. I remember having a crush on a girl when I was in 4th grade and thinking that these feelings were abnormal and that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t even know that was possible. I know I picked it up somewhere between there and 7th grade, because I was in 8th grade when I myself began to identify as bisexual. Since then I have had some sexual experiences with women- I’ve made out, grinded on, played/sucked on each other’s nipples, I fingered a girl, and she also had vaginal sex with me using a strap on.
I think that gender roles are stupid. End of story. Because of this, I have a really hard time understanding what it even means to be transgender. I feel like an idiot because it seems like everyone at HSU gets it but me. I know that this isn’t true, but it makes me feel embarrassed and I don’t just want to walk up to someone who is transgender and start asking questions because I feel like it’s ignorant and rude. I’m sure the get it enough.
Sexual Behavior
I consider “hooking up” to be any sort of fooling around, including mutual masturbation. “Having sex” I consider to be vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman, anal intercourse between two men, and I’m not sure what I consider it for two women now. I used to think of it as two women fingering each other, (I don’t like saying “mutual masturbation” there because not all women finger themselves when they masturbate, including me and my now ex-girlfriend who I did that with), except I fingered my ex, but she never fingered me. Then again, she did use a strap on with me once, so I guess we had sex? But I still feel like we didn’t at the same time.
As far as the list of things that may or may not be exciting to me with a partner, they all are. However, when it comes to using painful stimulation or acting out a sexual fantasy, it depends on who my partner is because this effects how much I trust them and such, as well as whether or not I’m just in the mood for it. Also, when it comes to “painful stimulation,” I tend to be a sadist. Sometimes I like having my nipples pinched a little or something, but I’m usually the one who is causing the pain. I have NEVER done something to someone if they didn’t consent and I always stop if I hear the safety word.
I’m just going to skip letter c on this question simply because I could easily right another seven pages on that and this paper is already long enough. The same can be said for letter d, but there are some very basic things, such as whether or not I can trust this person. If I’m just looking for fun I can also be pretty shallow in finding a partner, but when it comes to a sexual partner in a relationship what matters is if I love them. I realized that I didn’t think that any of my boyfriends were attractive until I started getting crushes on them. I also prefer partners that are open about their sexuality like mine and are willing to explore. A sex drive as big as mine helps, too.
Your Cultural Heritage
My primary cultural heritage is American. I almost want to say that I don’t know how this has affected me, but it when I really think about it, I know that’s a lie. It’s definitely contributed to my self-esteem problems, because I really don’t think it’s possible for me to ever naturally look the way women are told they’re supposed to in this society. I think I have self esteem issues for a lot of other reasons, too, though. I think though, that this is where some things start to differ. I’ve always been a rebel in my own right, and I find a lot of my beliefs contradicting what society says they should be, and I don’t care. I LOVE ANAL SEX!! (gasp!) Big deal? Why should I be ashamed of that? I almost wonder if some of my views on sex are different simply because they are different. For example, I’ve always thought about posing nude because even though I don’t like my body, I still see the human body as a work of art and on good days I don’t think I’m a exception to that. (I have lots of weird, contradicting feelings about my body like that.) The reason why I haven’t, though, is because I’m afraid that it will come back and ruin any future career I have. At the same time, though, I almost want it to just so I can stand in front of this great country and say, “So what? If I’m good at my job, what does it matter what I did for fun or to help pay for schooling to get to where I am?” I’m sure that no matter how good my arguments were that no one would really listen, but part of me likes to think that maybe, just maybe, I’d inspire at least one other woman to follow in my footsteps and challenge society’s double standards like that.
I honestly wouldn’t say that my American culture has ever made me react to my own sexuality in a surprising or uncomfortable way, but it is a little strange being around people whose sexual beliefs are different from me because they are part of a different culture. In many ways it’s frustrating. In high school, I had a Persian friend who had an older brother that could go out and party all he wanted whenever he wanted, but she had a strict curfew, they always had to know where she was, and they wouldn’t even put her on birth control even though her period cramps were so bad she couldn’t walk.
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