I don't know how my life finds itself in the places and positions it does, but what can I say, it's what I do..
So my first High School girlfriend, High School Sweetheart status, Jennifer, has a younger sister.. I've brought up Jennifer in blogs years ago, we dated for almost a year and half, between 10th and 12th grade. Anyway, she has a younger sister, graduated a little while ago, 18, into anime, cosplay, videogames and coffee... And well she's into me. Can't say the feeling isn't mutual, though 18 not really within dating age for me, I prefer the girls I date to be able to go to the bar, but I digress. It's strange to me that this wheel just rolls on and I go from older sister to younger sister, because honestly, I'm probably going to go for it, she's pretty attractive and I wouldn't mind getting to know her better. I don't know if I see anything good coming of this, but that's what life's about, just going for it sometimes.
In other news, Katie, the mutual friend whom I share with my roommate Ria, has invited me over tonight and I can't really bail on her again, so I get ready today with that in mind. Katie is fun, great cook, loves tasty wine, reads and can carry a conversation really well, so I enjoy time around her. She just really wants to end the night in bed and have me stay over, something I'm not so keen on.. It's really because I broke that cardinal rule during the one night stand we had. Honestly, I try not to make it a habit to sleep with woman so openly out of relationships, but it doesn't seem to be the case these days..
In addition to these events, I'm also taking a bigger step in the future of Zeni Kinetic, I've gotten the ok on my promo material I've been working on and have been asked to be a bigger part of the company, working more hours and having more responsibility. When first approached about this, I said I'd try but did a lousy job of it, but after the whole thing with Ria and confirming she's carrying my demon seed, I enjoy the opportunity to absorb myself into my work.
Work aside, when it comes to Ria and what we should do about our little situation, well, neither of us is really ready to be a parent, I'm still having trouble taking care of myself and making sure my meds are refilled every month... so we'll probably go the route of terminating the pregnancy, but we need to have a long talk before that happens, it's not something to take lightly.. I still can't believe that even happened, since High school I've lived with the belief that having kids would be nearly impossible, or rather it would take a lot of coordination or planning and tries.. Nonetheless, I'm surprised by this revelation and it's one I'll definitely keep in mind from now on.
Anyway, it's about 8am, I should finish the preliminary drafts for the price guides for work, I'm really enjoying this late night/early morning lifestyle.
PS, finally finished Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I understand why that movie is such a cult classic. "And there he goes, one of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even meant for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." - Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
These are various little things that I am wanting to remember, as well as share for future reference.
Excerpts from my life, though they are randomly places on here, they carry a thread of ever present themes. The reoccurring theme in these is, when looked at fundamentally, Love, or rather the desire and belief in it.
As my dear friend Maddie said upon my unloading of these things on her, "Le sigh. Oh the tangled web we weave...," which I believe puts into perspective perfectly how life is, and our place in it. I told her of Anna, this past weekend, as well as the Cardinal Rules I laid out for myself, which lay broken many times over, in no order; Don't sleep with a friend, don't sleep with an ex's friend, don't make a one-night stand cum, don't make a one-night stand cum multiple times in a single event, don't spend extended time around a female whom you find attractive and her SO, don't develop feelings for a female with a SO, and don't get to know a female interest's SO. Someday, soon, I feel I'll make a better recollection of the rules which I govern myself by... Anyway, the story goes on.
This past weekend I helped Anna move. Kelly, her boyfriend, was there to help as well, though it was honestly just Anna's stuff I helped move, as his was elsewhere and nowhere near as numerous as her possessions. This event was to start 10am Saturday, though didn't really start till later in the afternoon, finishing Sunday evening. It involved going to various places to gather her belongings, Logan in particular having most of her things. Over the course of the weekend I got to know Anna better, as well as Kelly. I also had the opportunity to meet her family and spend time with them, whom reflected the lacking in my own family I long for. They were a real family, they were happy to be around each other, they joked around and laughed and it was really nice, not like the venom dripping words exchanged in my family or the uneasy nature being around them. All in all, I would love to be around them again, though it is hardly my place to be around them at all, let alone Anna. Kelly mostly complained the whole time, which was rather irritating to myself in particular considering this was all for their benefit, his included, considering he now has a place to go home to, a caring person there, a place that is their own, whereas I am still staying at an ex's place, things are still tense at times and sleep never comes easy, nor do I ever feel welcomed completely, just another piece of furniture. Anyway, all in all, it's probably this weekend that has made things somewhat hard to be around Anna now, having realizing I do indeed have feelings for her and admire her.
Excerpt from Evernote, written during the drive to Salt Lake from Logan, titled : The Impossibilities of Trying to be Friends with a Girl you're Attracted to.
If there's one thing you'd think I'd have learned in my life about women and myself, it's this lesson.. It's never a good idea to be interested in a girl that has a bf, and it's even worst to try to be her friend. I have an inevitably impossibility of doing this when it comes to trying to be friends with a girl in this situation, because she doesn't feel that way for me, yet I'll put myself into situations that will cause myself pain in order to be closer. It's stupid, it's a selfish and it's childish. Even worst, it's to meet the bf, no matter what they're like, it's a mistake to do.
It's how you got yourself into this situation, having a glimpse of life, outside looking in. The only thing you can do is avoid her eyes and get this job over quickly..
I cannot allow myself to become silently ill-willed toward Anna because of how I feel, she has a right to know how I feel, just as I don't have a right to hide behind it and allow it to be a problem never voiced. I will say this, however, being at work with her is hard now.
In other news, I had dinner with Katie last night, she made a delicious veggie pasta type concoction along with chicken. After we just talked a bit, though she wanted things to end in the bedroom, I wasn't feeling wholly up to it, so when we did end up in the bedroom, I opted for just relaxing together before taking my leave around 10pm. It was nothing against her, I just wasn't feeling up to having sex, I was exhausted from the weekend and achy all over, not to mention getting back on my medication from the previous drought over the holiday, so ill side-effects are in effect. I feel she's hoping for more, something I am sorry to admit, I am not, not with her.
Things at work are progressing rapidly, as ever, especially for this "Electromechanical Technician." I say that in quotations, because I've done hardly anything in relation to what I was hired for. I doubt I covered this in any other entry, but I do Shipping, Spooling, 3D Modeling, Graphic Designing and Parts Expediting and Contract Negotiating with suppliers.. All I can say is my resume, and LinkedIn is going to look pretty damn good... Lol. Zach, one of my coworkers at Zeni, convinced me to make a LinkedIn, which I did, however I haven't done much with it. I am happy to say things are going along swimmingly for our team, all <10 of us haha.. I think our team is really 9, but I never know who's just helping and who actually works there sometimes.
Anyway, time to get back to work on, well, work.
PS, I need to figure out a way to export my blog, I don't want to see it missing again..
Unofficially over with boyfriend. He "had better things to do than drag my ass accross town" and help me move when I had no one else.
Tried stripping. Made 80 dollars. Not an overly successful night. Might try again although it disgusts me looking back.
I feel numb. Life doesn't feel real. So does anything I do really matter?
Fucking my roommate. Fucked another guy I'm dating. Dating a guy from work. Amazing what happens when you open up to possibilities and stop giving a shit. I like fucking, so why not fuck?
If the boyfriend asked me to marry him I would say yes, but that's all theoretical. Hypothetical. Imagination. It would be silly for him to ask that now, but that would be the "Iwannabewithyou" notion I NEED from him. But... not getting it So. Yeah.
Keep on fuckin'! Not sure how long to wait til I decide to talk to him and tell him it's over. He has always come to me eventually, but we'll see.
It's been a long while since I've written any soft porn . . . anything visually erotic . . . I enjoy tickling the libido and, I know for a fact, there are at least four readers who enjoy being pushed to the brink of not being able to hold back a moan. Mmmmmmmm . . .
I prefer writing from my own experiences and I believe that most of the turn-on for you comes from knowing these events actually did, in fact, take place and I actually was the leading lady . . . it's my breasts and my soft thighs, my lips and my long legs that are being held and kissed and rubbed and squeezed . . . it's my eyes that are smoldering, my hair that's entangled in your fingers, my body that the heat is rising from. It's my smile that starts the fire burning . . . it's my whiskey voice that stokes it . . .
Warning: I decided to be ballsy and publish this openly for all of Mindsay to read. Be forewarned that sex and sexuality are the topic of this post and mature words and concepts are used and discussed. Don't read any further if any of these things make you uncomfortable.
My only class on Tuesday/Thursday this semester is a little gem called Sexualities and Society- Soc 269 (Yes, the 69 is on purpose, which I still find hilarious). I really cannot even explain to you what this course is like. It's definitely unlike I have taken or will ever take. The first day of class, my professor, who is a sex sociologist by profession, showed increasingly erotic pictures over the projecter throughout the hour long class. The first image was of a couple holding hands, then a scantly clad couple cuddling on the beach. As the hour went on, more and more skin was shown, and the images got more and more shocking. By the end of it, we were viewing some very X-rated pictures- a woman using a huge dildo on herself, one man giving another head, and so on. I was somewhat shocked, but very intrigued. We all had to make a pledge saying that we'd been exposed to what the content of the class would be like and that we had been warned that it contained explicit material.
Throughout the semester, all kinds of topics have been covered, sparking conversations I will never again see in a classroom setting. Most notably, we watched a 45 minute montage of hardcore pornography, projected on the huge screen. It was definitely different to watch porn in a classroom with 100 or so other students. We watched it with a very critical eye- where is the camera focusing? why is this hot or not hot?- but it was still all very surreal.
Though the shock value of this class has worn off some, and some lectures are more mundane than others, this class has been an eye opener for me. Today was no exception. We have a big assignment coming up called our "creative project" (which I need to get started on...ugh). One of the students in my class, a curvy 30-something mother of five, put on a passion party for our class today. For those of you who are unaware (I was!), this is a akin to a Tupperware party, or a Mary Kay/Avon sample session, except the items being sold are sex items. That's right, lubricants, massage oils, edible everything, dildos, and vibrators. Tiffany, the presenter, came dressed in a sexy cop costume and proceeded to market her products, handing out samples and giving first hand accounts about many of the products. She even passed around several vibrators! I really enjoyed myself and am thinking of purchasing a couple of things for myself :P
Sexaulities and Society is a ballsy class that never would have existed even just a couple of decades ago. I think it's fantastic that we as students can discuss and learn about sexuality in more than a biological or psychological way. It's something we all experience- everyone has a sexuality whether it be hetero, homo, bi, or a. The main point of this class that my foul mouthed professor continues to drive home is sex positivity. That means viewing sex as normal, healthy, and good. It means not being afraid to discuss sex.
My professor defines sex positivity in five key points: 1. Use appropriate of terms and labels. This means calling a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina. From a young age, it's important to teach kids these words, instead of using things like"pee-pee" or "private spot". It also means that although there are many slang terms for penis, vagina, and sex (you know them- dick, cock, shlong, pussy, cunt, hoo-ha, fucking, doing the nasty, gettin' it on...I could go on for days), it's healthy to use their real names on many occasions. 2. Recognize boundaries and limitations. This one is more obvious. Everyone has boundaries and no one finds it pleasant for those boundaries to be crossed. The goal is to be open, but don't say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Let your limitations be known. 3. Use humor when applicable. That's right, it's okay to laugh. Sometimes having sex or talking about sex can be uncomfortable or awkward, and it's more than okay to break the tension with a little bit of humor and laughter. 4. Understand and apply sexual variation. Put simply, everyone has sex in different ways and finds different things sexy. Your ultimate fantasy may not be someone else's, and that's okay. Maybe you're a man that like to wear women's underwear and is in to BDSM. That's okay too. Everyone is different, and difference is a-okay. Refrain from judging others and in turn know that your sexuality is normal too. 5. Create a dialogue about sexuality. Yup, talk about sex! The more people who feel comfortable discussing sex with one another, the better. Although America is crazy sexual, it is also surprisingly very sex negative. It's okay to talk about sex with your partner. (This may sound obvious, but many couples do not in fact ever discuss sex- they simply have it). It's okay to talk about sex with your friends. It's okay to talk about sex with your kids and yes, it's okay to talk about sex with your parents. Everyone has sex, it's natural and wonderful and not something to be ashamed of. Share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings with others. I really feel that America would be a better place if we started teaching our kids about sex while they're young, and continue to foster their sexual growth. Why is sex still so taboo?! We all have had it, are having it, or will have it. So what's to hide?
I didn't mean to get up on my soap box, but there you go. Now get out there and have sex! Err, I mean, be sex positive!