Sentiment @ MindSay

Well ... I knew this day would come, and frankly, I thought it would come faster than it has, but that doesn't make it any easier.  You know how some possessions take on special meaning because of the circumstances one might attach to them?  It's true.  Silly, maybe, but true. 

 

I know lots of people have gone through the emotional and psychological process of divorce both online here and in my circle of friends.  Each of us deals in our own way, of course.  Perhaps the hardest thing for me through that time was the feeling that such a big part of my life had been "wasted."  Fortunately, I have 3 incredible kids to prove that is not an accurate assessment!  :)  Nevertheless, those thoughts swarmed me for about a year after our separation.  It was during this time, after losing my teaching position, my marriage, and our family van within a few months, that God blessed me with the Mustang convertible!  I received it as a "love gift" from Him.  I have thoroughly enjoyed it, but ... it now has 140+ thousand miles on it (63k when I got it 4 yrs ago), and ... well ... it's time.  Time to move on ...

 

My son is laughing at me, but ... I'm saying goodbye to a "friend."  Some of you will understand ... maybe!  :)

 

Thanks for your indulgence ...

 

~ B

Tomorrow will be a busy day for me so I won't have much time until Tuesday, in advance I leave you this e-mail forward which I just recieved....

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true~

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

So...........If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

Good friends are like stars........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

Since my favorite quote of all time is “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” by Alexander Graham Bell, this quote really struck me as funny....

Yesterday evening I had the distinct privelige of being part of an audience to one of the best movies I have ever seen. A movie that makes the industry's motto of "Art for Art's sake" a bigone. A movie that is not only thoughtful and intelligent but provokes one to the point of decision. And to top it all off, is well acted and well-written. Never in all my years of movie-going, and being a genereation X-er I'm a movie-going pro, have I ever been so impressed by a movie.

V For Vandetta is truly a wake-up call to the American Society and the western societal apathy in general. The best question ever asked was in a scene between the police inspector and his assistant. "If you knew it was your own government doing this, would you want to know?" And that cuts to the heart of today's life. With all the questions surrounding the Bush administration, Iraq, and 9/11 do the American people truly want to know? And if we knew, would we have the moral integrity to act against a government that is so wildly out of control in so many aspects.

V, the main character, is a victim of the government that goes on his own vandetta against those who victimized him. And while his actions do the country good as a whole, it is not until he meets his love interest that he realizes how he too is part of the problem. One man is not enough to make a difference, it is the idea, the principle for which the man stands that is important. The willingness to die for one's beliefs, to go the distance when so many are being sheep. To know that you are in the right, when those too afraid to act are spouting pontifications on how you are wrong.

In point, the movie is about character and a true understanding of what freedom is really all about. To know when fear is guiding your well-thought out decisions and when fear needs to be put aside in an effort to save one's liberties. To realize when your government is using fear to rule the people instead of fearing the people themselves.

Another good point was made during the showdown between the government backed by it's military, and the enraged people of the nation who had finally awakened. The police inspector was asked what he thought was going to happen. His reply is very telling: "What happens when anyone with a gun faces someone without..."
The 2nd amendment is not to satisfy a nation's need for a standing military force, for what will the people use against the military if the government takes their only means of weaponry away from them?

To all those who not only like a good movie but want an intellectual treat...I recommend V for Vandetta. My only sorrow was the response of my fellow movie-goers. The teens were completely apathetic and the adults were only upset that the lovers never really kissed....

If this is the understanding of today's american...than maybe we deserve to end as the leper colony the movie depicts us to be.


Remember, remember, the fifth of November, The gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

81648-060604-733620-52


© 2006 All Rights Reserved.

My family is... unconventional, I guess you could call it.

The thing my gramma pointed out a few months ago is that it has been four generations of all girls. Only girls. I grew up in a house full of females. I don't even think we had any male pets until a few years ago...

I know a lot of families are different behind closed doors. They act a certain way in public or around other people, then it is different when they are within the comfort of their own home. Maybe worse, maybe better.

A lot of people might hear that we're all females and suspect some kind of steriotype of us being really bitchy towards eachother and not getting along and maybe some kind of insane obsession with cleanliness and looks, but that's not the case. We each have TOTALLY different things going on and are so different in so many ways, but we get along well. My sisters and I didnt' fight a huge deal when we were young. We get along exceptionally well even now. All I remember is my older sister tourmenting us with the vacuum when we were children... and I was a difficult child, because I would do things that I knew upset people and got me attention, but yeah. It wasn't so bad that we hated eachother.

But what is it that ties us together despite our very differences? Our weird, offensive, vulgar and outlandish humour and behaviour. That's how we are. We call eachother mean names and make fun of eachother, but it's all in love. That's how we show effection to eachother. And we laugh about the most discusting, sometimes things even I find frightening, stuff. But the weird thing is... it goes back even to my gramma. My gramma comes to visit and she's the worst of us all!! hahahah. But I love it.

Sometimes when I'm spending time with my family - myself, my mom, my older sister and my younger sister, all of us hanging out in the kitchen or dinning room or living room... well, we live in a small apartment so it's kinda all the same - I think to myself, "I love them. This is amasing. I love them so much. What would I do without them?" When I realised my older sister starting to really branch out on her own and make her own life, it was scary. Hurtful, even. But she says all the time, "my family is so important to me. I love my family so much and nothing comes before them. (Well, now except her own daughter, of course... heh.)" I love to hear her say that. I wish I could say it, but I'm not a sentimental kinda person, so I just observe, feel, and think it.

I really wish I was able to show people how much I appreciate them more. I honestly don't know how to, though. I hate it, too. Augh! I can't even think about it I hate it so much. I really don't know what to do? And when I'm told what to do, I CAN'T! I can't bring myself to do it. I have to cover it up with some sort of joke or something because effection makes me so uncomfortable. I wish I was able to just let go and say what I want to say. People around me have NO IDEA how much I put into them. I might not do it directly, but if they could possibly peek behind the scenes... I dunno. The amount of personal energy I put into people I care about and appreciate, if they could only know...   I want them to know. But how? How do I do that?

I mean, seriously. I'm not even kidding here. I don't even like to get nice, sentimental gifts from people because I don't know how to thank them. Or have people do nice things for me. Some people get all nice and are like, "Hey, thank you so much for doing that, I appreciate it. You're a great friend/person/I love you." I can't do it though! It's like... not in me. I know I'm going on about this, but yeah. It really bothers me more than anything else, because no matter what else I believe or feel about the rest of my life and the world, the one thing I know that matters is right now and what you experience right now. And all I have right now is the people around me - and myself. That's literally all I have. I take good care of myself, but I wish I was able to show others how much I appreciate them.

I digressed a bit from my topic. OH well.

I always paint myself as being very detatched and unemotional, but I realised that isn't the case. Well, not all the time, at least. It is true that some things really just don't effect me. I'm selfish too, and some things I honestly don't care about. My mom told me the other day that someone she know's sister died. This is horrible, I know... but I tried to care, I really did, but I just didn't. I had no clue who the hell she was talking about, I didn't know her sister, so it just didn't matter to me. People die every day. Death is a part of life. People lose people, and they keep on living (usually). I mean, I do feel for her loss and understand that it's difficult for anyone that loses someone. My mom got mad at me because of this, though. I wasn't going to PRETEND like it effected me and be like, "Oooh no! Oh my goodness!!! :("

But the things I DO care about, I care about very deeply. When I do give things sentiment, it is maybe too much. I read into them and try do discover hidden meanings and lessons and learn things and discover and find something that I can hold close to me.

No one around me, especially my mom, would probably believe this because my actions don't display it one bit, but I am a very sentimental person when it comes to certain things in my life. It's like... I think that's where my observing and anylsing things come into play, because I take time to learn about and get to know people close to me, and that helps me to develop an appreciation that for them that is special to just them and them only. Like right now. I'm not given specifics about anything because they are too important and special to me to share with anyone. I see each of my relationships (I'm talking about family, friends... ya know) individually and anything that happens between me and that person as being only between me and them. No matter what it is. Even if we go somewhere and have an awesome day and have fun and everything - that is something just we shared and that is special to me. A bit of an example: My younger sister and I spent a day out together a few weeks back. It was an awesome day and I got to spend time with just my sister and I and it was really, really nice. I wouldn't share specifics with anyone though, because that was just she and I and no one needs to know anything that happen. Why? Why should anyone know? There is no reason. And if someone asked me about it, I'd just say, "Yeah. I spent a nice day with my sister." And that's all. There is nothing more that needs to be said. It was important to me and had a lot of meaning for me, and that's mine.

So, that said, it REALLY upsets me when people I let get close to me go about telling others things not only about me, but about us, too. I don't care as much if someone tells someone else about things concerning me exclusively (not to say I don't care at all, though). But it bothers me a lot when people tell others what happened between just us. My mom does this a lot. We will have a really lovely time together and she'll go telling EVERYONE. People I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I don't like that. That's why it's so hard for me to get close to her, because I give her a part of myself, just her, and she had to go whoring it around. I understand that when we spend time together it is probably special to her too and she has a different way of appreciating it and that might include sharing it with others. Maybe that's a trait of the extrovert. But I'm an introvert and I keep things very close to me.

I can't really be mad at the individual, though, because like I said, most people probably would never guess this of me because of my outward personality. I'm extremely nonchelant and chill about things and go with the flow, but that doesn't mean none of it effects me. For this reason, it may even effect me more because I let it take time to sink in slow and deep. I dunno... I just know that things in my life that I consider special are very special. I don't just consider anything and everything special and worthy of love and appreciation just because it IS. I realise that could be a bad thing - but whatever.

I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed now.

So but yeah - I really love my family. :) And my blog. :D And my friends. And sharpies. (Not in that order. heh.)

Respect.
-Liv-

i was thinking about this the other day.  depression is a mind block.  it is a wall.  a wall you can throw and throw yourself against, but can't see past.  a heavy, singular view. one eyed.  one overwhelming focus.  it blocks everything you have loved and even small bits of rationale from your power.

the thing is, there is so much pain that you can focus on nothing else. even when you temporarily shift your focus on something else, there it is, buzzing underneath.  just waiting to surface again.  you can feel it.  you can feel it all along, and as soon as people leave your presence, or a certain thing triggers some sort of memory--a song on the radio, passing a place--you break down again.

there is so much pain that you simply cannot cope with its force.   it is always coming.

you can reason with yourself. it's not so bad.  it's not your fault. those are some good ones.  or, think about something else.   you shouldn't be thinking about this.  in all essence, your logical sense may know these things to be right.  but reason is flimsy in the path of the battering ram.  you can tell yourself not to think about something, but it is buzzing in your skull all the same.  you can tell yourself it's not your fault, but when your mind is built to force that feeling on you, it will, no matter what.  

in the deep pain of depression, the same delirium and madness of a wounded man sets in.  there are things that cannot get through to you. the mind is frantic.

under this wall i have reasoned that people who have loved me have not, and that everything they have ever told me was a lie, and that i was nothing.  and that i have never meant anything to anyone. there is nothing but the fog of pain and how it doesn't cease.  you cannot see beyond it.  in fact, you become familiar with its confines.  so much so, that you may not even want to see beyond it anymore.  there is nothing you can do.

i realize even in that pall of darkness, there are little, even stupid things i still love.  and to love is to live.  there is no separating it. even these gritty little loves i have between my fingertips.  a pen. a book, with words i love.  dirt.  your hair, or mine. and other things that keep me here.  that child that loves the little things. she is the one. she loves the smallest weed flowers, those little lavender ones, with yellow middles, like sleep-winked eyes.  she loves things that drop from trees--acorns and leaves.  she loves the thistle and she loves the rocks at the edge of the creek.  she was sad when they killed the ivy choking the tree.  it springs beautiful purple flowers.  do not kill that child.  she is weak, she is small, she is foolish, but she is here.  she is the one who curled against him in the field. she is the one who peeked at him shyly.

and i say i love without moving my lips. and there so many silly things to love like a child--just because.  i love banjos!  i love holding hands. i love exotic names.  Sitala.  Pottawamie. Devereaux. Lucrezia.  Ballycullen. Zhurakovskaya.  Django.  Okala.  i would like to meet someone with a name given to an island in the Aegean.  i love dogs. i want to have another dog someday.  i can't have that if i go.  i love to sing.  there is someone who will hear me out. i want to memorize dozens. i love wading in water.  i would like to find a little blue crab with you.  i love going barefoot.  i love catching snowflakes on your tongue.  i would love to see the snowflakes in your hair.   i love discovering the minutia.  street signs, houses with names, allusions, people with secrets that brand them, give them their own color.  i love climbing magnolia trees.  i love playing board games.  i love cows.  i love wide fields.  i love the idea of going to Nebraska, or Wyoming. i love capturing things--photos. words. drawings...fuck, fireflies.  i haven't caught fireflies in years. 

and there are things i am not yet.
i want to reach my goal weight.  as i will be the person i envisioned, and i believe, unafraid.  i will maybe for once be able to look in the mirror and not worry, because i will have tried and done.

i want to learn to play an instrument. guitar. or fucking banjo. or both. there is time in this life.  i don't mean become an expert.  just simple.  so i can play for myself.  i want to learn to play folk and blues songs.

i want to make illuminated poetry.  words with color and flowering from the page, trace the forms of my mind, so that the senses will be gripped not by darkness, but by their color, even if for an instant, it will be worth it.  the newness of it, everytime you flip back to a page, will come back again.  even if it is only for myself.  i do these things not for others, or for money.  there is no hope for monetary compensation or even recognition, really.  i realize what i do is not expansive.  it will not affect all who see it.  it is not even revolutionary.  it is simple effulgence.  in my mind, when i see it, i will feel.

and i know i am young, and this may seem out of place, but one thing, that really, really makes me want to stay here, and not go out, is that i want to have a baby.  with someone i love.  i really do.  i do not mean soon.  i just mean someday.  i want to go through all of that.  i want to have that swollen stomach and fucking feel that pain only to know another face that is partially my own.  that will be the greatest creation i have.

there are many things i could say.  if i stop, i will not say them.

and someday, someone will love me back and i will not doubt it for a moment.