Selfishness @ MindSay

Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).

However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.

 

When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.

 

What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.

However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.

 

But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.

 

High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.

 

I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.

 

I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.

 

-Kristal St. Jean     

I have no right to complain about anything.

 

I have it so good. I'm a North American teenage girl who has so many opprotunities and should use them.

 

But no: I must be selfish and not do any of my shit. I'm a week or more behind in all my classes even though it's only the 3rd week of school. I really do think that they should put some less fortunate kid in my place at Westgate, because at least then the recources will be used and won't be wasted on a selfish punk like me.

 

I guess it's good that I at least realize how spoiled I am. I think about it all the time lately: For example, today Ian Tyson (the comedian, not the singer) came to our school and in his comedy/motivational speech he said "High school's hard..." and I immediately thought "No it's not. Poverty is hard. High school is just a place where spoiled brats like me come to mainly chat and maybe learn something if they can get off their lazy ass and use the opprotunity effectively."

 

However, just thinking about how lucky I am all the time doesn't justify my selfishness. I really should get up off my ass and do some work..however I know very well as soon as I'm done writing this I'm off to sleep and I will get up 20 minutes before the first bell rings at school and end up late/just about late for class.

 

Writing this all down doesn't justify my selfishness either. It just gives me a writen summary of myself (written by myself) to look back on, and maybe hit me hard a day I forget how spoiled I am.

 

*sigh*

 

-Kristal 

I've been doing some soul searching and I've discovered one aspect of my life that I'm not very proud of...and that is my selfishness. I never thought I was a selfish person and in most aspects I'm not but in one area I have been and that area is my time with my love.

She's given me time to look within myself, to help myself heal, time to grow. She's given me the freedom to have as much time as I need and yet when she's needed that same time, I've been selfish. I've pouted, I've resisted, I've whined, I've taken it personally and not given her the space she needs, the time she needs, the freedom she needs to grow.

It hurts to know that I've done this to the one person I treasure and love more than any other. I want her to be the best she can be. I want to support her and yet during the time she needs for herself, I've tried to take that away. To be honest, I never realized I was doing it or acting this way and now that I've realized how I've reacted, it hurts inside.

For someone who claims she doesn't have a lot of patience, she has shown more patience with me than what I deserve. When she says she loves me more, she has shown and proven it with her willingness to step back and give me the space to be me, she has shown and proven it with her actions, not just her words. Whereas I've said I'll support her and give her the time, yet I have failed to follow up my words with my actions.

Whom do you serve?

Throughout the ages, there have been those who associated religious ferver with ignorance, a reflection of either low intelligence or limited education. Does that apply to morality or values, also? Is it really a matter of education?

Stripped to the root, if one doubts their worth, their abilities, and their innate value, how motivated will they be to seek education and meaningful employment? How healthy will their relationships be with others. How will they select those relationships?

Where do we find our value? Is it in simply being alive? Is our value a reflection of our relationships, or are our relationships a reflection of how we value ourselves? How do we live our own value? How do victims of abuse hope to recover? How do we demonstrate how we value others? Is value really dependent on appearance and accomplishment like our culture seems to say?

My perspective comes through faith, but the bottom line is that we are all made of flesh and blood. Our innate needs are the same whether they are satisfied or not. We are all created by the same hand. Why then, do we spit on the dignity of one another and demonstrate such base tendencies? Why are we satisfied to live by "jungle" rules: kill or be killed; rule or be ruled? Why are we inclined to ... settle?

You see, regardless of our perspective, the bottom line is that human nature pulls us toward self-gratification, even at the cost of others. We are self-serving in our thoughts, words, and deeds by nature, even though the potential for selflessness is born into us also.  As toddlers progress cognitively into school age children, the ability to see another's perspective begins to develop ... if exercised!  It must be worked at and developed like all virtue because it means esteeming others at least as highly as ourself. Goodness, for example, doesn't come naturally, and for us to pursue virtue, we must desire it. Do we desire to be morally upright? Do we want to be faithful to our life partners, or are we content to just do the best we can? Do we want to be women and men of integrity in our business lives AND our private lives, or are we satisfied to just go with the flow, keeping our transgressions to a minimum (no murders, no major thefts, only cheating a little)?

I happen to think that even our best efforts fall short. and so God, in his boundless mercy, made a way. After all, if humankind was able to be moral without divine help, wouldn't we already be there by now? Are we even moving in that direction? Or is our own self-serving taking us deeper and deeper into pain, war, hate, murder, anger? It's not a poltical issue. It's not an educational issue. It's a spiritual issue.

Whom do you serve?

 

~ B

Jesus Christos & Medio! (yes, I said Jesus Christ and a half =P) Why can't I ever recognize toxic forces in my life sooner? I always try to sugar-coat everything because I don't like drama, tension, etc. But by masking the negativity instead of eliminating it, I'm just keeping it around longer and letting it grow and fester.

 

I am not here to fullfill someone's lustfull desires. If you really care about someone, you don't try to control and manipulate them, you respect who they are as a person. You give your opinion & advice, but ultimately you let them make their own decisions. You accept them for who they are and you don't try to change them. If you don't do these things, you don't love or care about a person. And I'm talking in general: friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. If you do the opposite, you are using that person to acheive something for your own desires. And that's wrong, especially when you call that person a friend. My mother & grandmother are always right. My grandmother told me that if she didn't stop the advances then she was not a real friend. And it proved true. But I didn't listen to her, I just let it go, accepted it. Because I am an accepting person, and I don't like to judge people, no matter what disgusting or shameful things they do or have done. But she was right: She was never my real friend. A real friend would not try to control my life and turn me into something I'm not and will never be. A real friend would consider my feelings and my happiness, not just their own.

 

I was a dupe, a fool, a pawn. But now I am liberated. I didn't recognize what she's been trying to do from the start--destroy my precious relationship with someone who REALLY loves me. Out of jealousy. Out of pure lust, infatuation, maybe even obsession. I knew it was the end when she uttered that gross, selfish, question, "Who's more important?". I could see if he was some guy I had met recently and just started dating. I could see if the only thing we had was intimate relations. Then, that statement may be justified. I replied with, "That's like choosing between your mother and your father, your sister and your brother." And she just laughed, and said her mom. She LAUGHED! Given, I know some people don't have great relationships with certain family members, but it's just the concept of choosing one person you care about over another, it's sick. You don't do that. By saying that she was suggesting that I am choosing "a guy" over a best friend. The "dick" over my "chick" if you will. But what she must understand is, I've known her for 2 years, I've known him for nearly 5. We dated for over a year. I only shared a fraction of what I shared with him than her. He knows me inside out. We adopted characteristics of eachother and learned from eachother to make ourselves better, more mature individuals. She was just a female friend of mine. Comparing the two of them is like comparing a piece of jewelry passed down in your family for generations with one your "best friend" gave you, and asking you which one you would grab in a fire if you could only take one. Which one do you THINK I'm gonna pick?

 

Who's more important? I think that speaks for itself.

 

When you met us we were a team, and as you leave us, we are a team. You failed, your efforts were wasted. All you did was give us more life experience and bring us closer then ever.