Selfishness @ MindSay

I've been doing some soul searching and I've discovered one aspect of my life that I'm not very proud of...and that is my selfishness. I never thought I was a selfish person and in most aspects I'm not but in one area I have been and that area is my time with my love.

She's given me time to look within myself, to help myself heal, time to grow. She's given me the freedom to have as much time as I need and yet when she's needed that same time, I've been selfish. I've pouted, I've resisted, I've whined, I've taken it personally and not given her the space she needs, the time she needs, the freedom she needs to grow.

It hurts to know that I've done this to the one person I treasure and love more than any other. I want her to be the best she can be. I want to support her and yet during the time she needs for herself, I've tried to take that away. To be honest, I never realized I was doing it or acting this way and now that I've realized how I've reacted, it hurts inside.

For someone who claims she doesn't have a lot of patience, she has shown more patience with me than what I deserve. When she says she loves me more, she has shown and proven it with her willingness to step back and give me the space to be me, she has shown and proven it with her actions, not just her words. Whereas I've said I'll support her and give her the time, yet I have failed to follow up my words with my actions.

Whom do you serve?

Throughout the ages, there have been those who associated religious ferver with ignorance, a reflection of either low intelligence or limited education. Does that apply to morality or values, also? Is it really a matter of education?

Stripped to the root, if one doubts their worth, their abilities, and their innate value, how motivated will they be to seek education and meaningful employment? How healthy will their relationships be with others. How will they select those relationships?

Where do we find our value? Is it in simply being alive? Is our value a reflection of our relationships, or are our relationships a reflection of how we value ourselves? How do we live our own value? How do victims of abuse hope to recover? How do we demonstrate how we value others? Is value really dependent on appearance and accomplishment like our culture seems to say?

My perspective comes through faith, but the bottom line is that we are all made of flesh and blood. Our innate needs are the same whether they are satisfied or not. We are all created by the same hand. Why then, do we spit on the dignity of one another and demonstrate such base tendencies? Why are we satisfied to live by "jungle" rules: kill or be killed; rule or be ruled? Why are we inclined to ... settle?

You see, regardless of our perspective, the bottom line is that human nature pulls us toward self-gratification, even at the cost of others. We are self-serving in our thoughts, words, and deeds by nature, even though the potential for selflessness is born into us also.  As toddlers progress cognitively into school age children, the ability to see another's perspective begins to develop ... if exercised!  It must be worked at and developed like all virtue because it means esteeming others at least as highly as ourself. Goodness, for example, doesn't come naturally, and for us to pursue virtue, we must desire it. Do we desire to be morally upright? Do we want to be faithful to our life partners, or are we content to just do the best we can? Do we want to be women and men of integrity in our business lives AND our private lives, or are we satisfied to just go with the flow, keeping our transgressions to a minimum (no murders, no major thefts, only cheating a little)?

I happen to think that even our best efforts fall short. and so God, in his boundless mercy, made a way. After all, if humankind was able to be moral without divine help, wouldn't we already be there by now? Are we even moving in that direction? Or is our own self-serving taking us deeper and deeper into pain, war, hate, murder, anger? It's not a poltical issue. It's not an educational issue. It's a spiritual issue.

Whom do you serve?

 

~ B

Jesus Christos & Medio! (yes, I said Jesus Christ and a half =P) Why can't I ever recognize toxic forces in my life sooner? I always try to sugar-coat everything because I don't like drama, tension, etc. But by masking the negativity instead of eliminating it, I'm just keeping it around longer and letting it grow and fester.

 

I am not here to fullfill someone's lustfull desires. If you really care about someone, you don't try to control and manipulate them, you respect who they are as a person. You give your opinion & advice, but ultimately you let them make their own decisions. You accept them for who they are and you don't try to change them. If you don't do these things, you don't love or care about a person. And I'm talking in general: friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. If you do the opposite, you are using that person to acheive something for your own desires. And that's wrong, especially when you call that person a friend. My mother & grandmother are always right. My grandmother told me that if she didn't stop the advances then she was not a real friend. And it proved true. But I didn't listen to her, I just let it go, accepted it. Because I am an accepting person, and I don't like to judge people, no matter what disgusting or shameful things they do or have done. But she was right: She was never my real friend. A real friend would not try to control my life and turn me into something I'm not and will never be. A real friend would consider my feelings and my happiness, not just their own.

 

I was a dupe, a fool, a pawn. But now I am liberated. I didn't recognize what she's been trying to do from the start--destroy my precious relationship with someone who REALLY loves me. Out of jealousy. Out of pure lust, infatuation, maybe even obsession. I knew it was the end when she uttered that gross, selfish, question, "Who's more important?". I could see if he was some guy I had met recently and just started dating. I could see if the only thing we had was intimate relations. Then, that statement may be justified. I replied with, "That's like choosing between your mother and your father, your sister and your brother." And she just laughed, and said her mom. She LAUGHED! Given, I know some people don't have great relationships with certain family members, but it's just the concept of choosing one person you care about over another, it's sick. You don't do that. By saying that she was suggesting that I am choosing "a guy" over a best friend. The "dick" over my "chick" if you will. But what she must understand is, I've known her for 2 years, I've known him for nearly 5. We dated for over a year. I only shared a fraction of what I shared with him than her. He knows me inside out. We adopted characteristics of eachother and learned from eachother to make ourselves better, more mature individuals. She was just a female friend of mine. Comparing the two of them is like comparing a piece of jewelry passed down in your family for generations with one your "best friend" gave you, and asking you which one you would grab in a fire if you could only take one. Which one do you THINK I'm gonna pick?

 

Who's more important? I think that speaks for itself.

 

When you met us we were a team, and as you leave us, we are a team. You failed, your efforts were wasted. All you did was give us more life experience and bring us closer then ever.

The Crystal Gazer


I shall gather myself into my self again,
I shall take my scattered selves and make them one.
I shall fuse them into a polished crystal ball
Where I can see the moon and the flashing sun.
I Shall sit like a sibyl, hour after hour intent.
Watching the future come and the present go -
And the little shifting pictures of people rushing
In tiny self-importance to and fro.


- Sarah Teasdale

I feel like crying whenever I hear about her cutting herself.

 

At one point she tried to burn her arm with a cigarette lighter. Whenever I saw someone lighting a cigarette over the next few days, I felt like vomitting.

 

I've said this before: When it comes to love, I'm going to need a girl who has a more positive outlook than me on life... loving someone who's depressed can really bring you down if you already have negative tendencies yourself.

 

Not that my feelings for her are going to go away any time soon.  For perhaps six months after I met her, she was just another girl I had an infatuation for (and many of those feelings still remain), but since that time I have begun to genuinely like her as a person. And, actually contribute something to friendship, instead of being constantly caught up in my own selfish world.

 

Of course, I cannot completely divorce myself from my own issues these days. My feelings for her ensure that, even though I want her to fall in love with someone and have a positive, longlasting relationship, I would be incredibly jealous of the other person. Also, I subconciously live in this partial fantasy world when I'm around her... wanting something to happen between us, even though I fully realise that it won't, and that if it did it could have disastrous consequences for our friendship.

 

I don't think this is what love is. I don't even know if that is an emotion I am capable of. It even transcends physical attraction. Maybe I want to possess her in some way. I really don't know.

 

I know full well that, if Nikki and I did go out, we would not be suited to one another. We just don't share many similar interests, we have rather different world views, and I just don't think that we are what each other need in a partner. Why, if I've accepted that, can I not accept that we will never be anything more than friends?

 

Perhaps, upon reading this, the impression might be gained that I can only be making a negative impact on her life with the sort of mindset I possess. The irony is, I'm her only friend, and she actually needs me in that capacity. Perhaps its my mindet that does serve a purpose in the end... I'm always there when she wants me to be; because I don't have a girlfriend, she knows that she is number one; I may be a dork and a loser, but she realises that a 'cool', attractive, popular guy (and she has been friends with a few in the past) might not have nearly as much time for her as I do.

 

It actually makes me feel really good, though, that I have a positive impact on someone's life. Especially hers.

 

I really hope things work out for her. She is the only person in the world whose personal happiness can directly affect my own.... is that love?