Selfish @ MindSay

It feels like all you can really do nowadays is sit and wait.

     Wait for people to stop thinking of themselves before they finally realize what they are doing to

their body is killing them.

             I quit smoking cigarettes last November 25thish and now it's just like.... I don't even know.

My "in" is drinking.

                             I think one of my shortcomings is I judge a lot.

If I don't believe in something I voice my opinion to the person it involves.

     That is one thing that has broken a relationship.

                                                  I can't stand the thought that this person is having premiscuous sex with anyone and everyone even though she has had an abortion already.

                       You can't stop someone from doing what they want, but if they are constantly

complaining about getting hurt and fucking around with multiple people

and then getting pregnant and running away from your problems.... you just

kinda want to shoot them.

                                                   I can't make this person happy at all ever.

Awkward.... I have to go on this trip with her because she paid for it... so now it's going to be her pissy all day at everyone and everything because she won't be able to smoke pot.

                  Well tell me what I can do because I give up trying to explain my

portion of the story,

 I give up trying to help,

                                    I give up trying to make you happy.

I give up on you.

You think that the way you act will have no effect on the way your friends treat and handle you but I have lost all patience.

         I literally am "Dealing" with you now....it's no longer comforting...it's fucking dealing.

 

                

So according to dad, one third of the human population are selfish a**holes and they know it and don't care. Another third of the population are so self-absorbed that they don't even realise how selfish and unreasonable they are. And one third of the population are actually normal, decent, reasonable people.

Although he also says that when he mentions this theory to other people, they say, "A whole third of people are reasonable? Wow, you're optimistic!"

"Blargh!" I cheerfully greeted the morning.

Actually, it was indeed relatively cheerful. Having a room and a bathroom entirely to myself is going to start messing with me, soon. At the moment, we're just at the stage where my laundry is everywhere (okay, that's because only half of it fits in my hamper, and I do a lot more personal randomness because it entertains me. But you just wait.

I imagine that there might be people who are designed to lead a solo lifestyle. I am not one of them. I live in a space without having to share it with anyone, and I become very self-interested, self-centered, and an internet-addicted hermit. As much as I fantasize about having my own place, kitty, and hours, I'm not designed to live that way. As a person, I require community to keep things balanced. I recognize this, and boot myself out of my room on a regular basis.

Lizzie has a cat, a rat, and a guitar in her room. I'll go hang out there. :P

It's not that I don't get annoyed with the people I live with sometimes. But that's kind of a good thing - it reminds you that this world was not in fact made for just you. The fact that I have to share a bathroom, come in at a reasonable hour, take turns on piano vs. tv time, for some reason make me a better person. I don't know why, it just happens that way.

It's even more fun at camp, because then I'm sharing a room with another seven girls, and there are fourteen of us to a bathroom. You will learn to get along with people, even people who would in other circumstances drive you crazy.

I know this for a fact - one of the other girls is someone I know from school.

If you ever read Blue Like Jazz, Miller's got some cool thoughts on this that stem from his deep resentment when he moved in with a couple of other guys who were suddenly interrupting the tv show that was all about him. Rather entertaining to read. He's got cool thoughts on a bunch of other topics - if you're a Christian or at all spiritual, you should definitely read it sometime.

So today is just another lovely day.

School. Power outage. Stuck in the same classroom for over two hours. Finally let out, and I go home alone as other "friends" go home together. I did call a few of them, but it just ended with a "Have fun, goodbye." No invitations or sign of even wanting me.

It feels wonderful. I really love people, quite honestly I do. I love how little they care, or even notice when you're left out. I suppose I can't blame them, it is the nature of people to be such selfish assholes! : )

And every time, I see more reason to just give up. Say, you know what people? Fuck you. You're not worth knowing. And that includes myself, because I can't speak of people and say that I'm not included.

No, I don't want to go out and have fun with you guys, I'd rather stay home and mope around on my blog, imaginary people online. I'll just complain to them and that'll make everything alright.

I again thought about killing myself today, and how it would be the PERFECT opportunity! I am home alone, all my "friends" are with each other, my mother is at work. Beautiful!

I rememberd the pain pills I got for my neck, but I suppose it might not kill me, and could do worse things. So I agreed still that cutting my wrists deeply and dying of bloodloss would be the best way to go.

Alas, no I'm not going to do that. I will stay and suffer. I will continue to complain on my blog and try to reach out to people who don't have the answers. I won't blame them because neither do I. I've given up, but maybe someone hasn't.

Thoughtless... is definately a word I would use to describe how I used my day. I don't believe I actually processed one sense of knowledge or any point of worth, for that matter. One thing was on my mind constantly, the only thing that seemed stick to my liquified brain: I have to get out of here... I didn't care where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing. It was like suddenly I wanted nothing more than that silence that you hear once everyone has gone to bed and you are the only one awake. The silence is golden, useful. Osh. Gosh. Rigosh. The only real time I actually chose to think instead of just going on ...what's the word?... oh yes, auto-pilot. Life is easy. Everything's practically the same for me, everyday, in and out. I seemed to have to deal with the same people who don't make good decisions, or are idiots who think they know everything, people who come to me for some sense of justice or a source to gossip to or whatever. I just want to go one day where I don't have to care, worry, think, live... just one day where I can be me, without worrying who I'll upset or insult; or what I look like; or what I was expected to be or do. ME! I want to be ME! I can think of countless hours of caring, countless words of comfort, countless thoughts of anger I could not express because of who I have willed myself into becoming.... I know one day it will be my ultimate ruin... it doesn't matter.

Maybe, one day someone will POP! out of no where and will tell me .... "Don't care. Don't worry. I got it all handled." .... Maybe one day, I'll have all to myself.

 

My random thoughts of today.

 

 

Loving thought to all,

 

Aria