Self-respect @ MindSay

"Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life - is the source from which self respect springs."

~   Joan Didion (1934 - ) ,
Slouching Towards Bethlehem"

Most of you know I am a single mom, and have been for several years.  Some of you might even remember my "fling" as seeresvelvet , although that blog disappeared a while back.  On this New Year's Day, I'd like to open a discussion on sex.  For some, it may be an old and tired topic, but for me, as a single mom of teens/young adults, it is an ever-present issue. 

 

I have 2 girls, ages 23 & 17, and one boy who is 20.  They have been raised on the foundational belief that sex is a wonderful & beautiful gift to give your spouse within a committed marriage.  Outside of that, problems arise.  As small children, they were taught that dating, by definition, is the search for a mate, and therefore, they would not be permitted to "date" until they were at least 18.  Prior to that, group ventures are encouraged.

 

Now I see your head shaking in disbelief, but it has actually worked!  To my mind, it's not that sex is dirty or bad, just the opposite, in fact.  It is too special to just throw around at any Tom or Henrietta that comes along and shows some interest.   What goes on in the bedrooms of committe, consenting adults, for the most part, is their business.  I know some beautifully Christian people who practice a form of BDSM.  I have believing friends who teach a course in healthy sexuality from a Biblical perspective.  The fact that sex is not discussed, in my opinion, allows distortions and abuses to continue unchecked.

 

Since my divorce in 2001, my kids have had ample opportunity to witness this practice in my own life.  When I was first seperated, I wanted to date anything that moved, to validate my femininity.  I was afraid of being alone ... of growing old alone.  THANK GOD, that is no longer the case.  I still date on occasion and there remains a small glimmer of hope that perhaps one day I still may find a male companion with whom to spend my remaining years.  If that does not happen, it will NOT break my heart. 

 

Our society puts tremendous pressure on us to couple.  I think this is even more true to females than males, but it applies to all of us.  There is an unwritten, undefined stigma attached to singleness like we are somehow less than whole.  Just look at how young our children now become aware of those that attract them.  Elementary age children are "going steady"!  To which I reply, for what purpose????????  It makes no sense to me AND puts an unhealthy strain on our young people to be more concerned with their attractiveness to the opposite sex than with their studies.

 

My point?  hmmm ... well, I love sex ... in the proper arrangement, and hope to have that opportunity again before my time passes.  I am thrilled that my kids took my words and instruction to heart, and value themselves enough to exercise self-control until they are ready to marry.  I wish believers were not so stuffy about sex and sexual issues.  Open discussions, in themselves, help to answer questions and keep things in perspective.

 

So, I'm opening this up ... What about Christians and sex? 

 

~ B

 

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Honourable Lady Velvet the Liminal of Fishkill St Wednesday Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

 

Watching the news tonight I'm amazed at the level of conflict in a part of the world that supposes itself to be a holy land, steeped in a history of being called God's people. It is amazing to think that intelligent human beings believe that peace, a truce, or surrender will ever come about through retaliation. Conflict, as we can plainly witness, continues to lead to further conflict; tit for tat and then some.

 

Born in a violent environment, raised in a violent environment, belief in violence; this is the vicious cycle, generation to generation that is being played out and will continue to play out. Until someone finally understands the concept of the high road, who understands the power of love, compassion, forgiveness, and patience, this battle will continue - and at what cost?

 

Lately, I've found myself responding differently to conflict myself. People react and take affront to the most bizarre, trivial, and strange things. It's like they walk around waiting for someone to hurt them, to offend them, and to prove their world-view right. Riding my bicycle this morning, a couple crossing the street were startled when I whizzed past and turned right at the intersection. I got yelled at for not stopping at a stop sign. Now, I'm sorry, but how many of us actually come to a full stop in our residential neighborhood streets while driving our cars, let alone a bicycle, particularly when turning right. As tempted as I was, I maintained my civility and said thank-you to as I rode on.

 

This afternoon as I came into my apartment building, a mother and her son were hauling his lemonade stand supplies out for some brisk, sunny afternoon Sunday business. I commented politely, encouraged the boy with some banter and wished him good luck with sales. As I walked into the elevator, the mother suddenly turned around and told me to never talk to her children again. I hadn't heard her intially as I had entered the elevator, so I stepped half out saying 'beg your pardon' and she repeated herself and stated that I heard her. What's a guy to say? I wished her a good day. There's history here.

 

This past winter, that same woman's boyfriend made a social call; we'd met previously in the tech networking circles. We didn't really know each other beyond the odd hello. Living in the same building and remembering each other's face, it was natural to suggest grabbing a drink sometime. Over a year after the initial suggestion, he came calling. Turned out he wasn't working anymore, was collecting unemployment insurance, and exploring his options while enjoying the break. It's possible he may have more than that going on.

 

When he came over, he kept disappearing into the bathroom. I'm not a complete idiot and neither am I one to make assumptions without asking for clarity. I brought up the conversation of drug use and before long, he started snorting lines on my coffee table. I'd tried the stuff before and never really clicked with it on any level so I wasn't even slightly concerned about going along with the charade. He claimed it was just a one-time thing so I let it go - particularly since I don't really know him well enough to reach any firm conclusion. At the same time, I wasn't planning on going out of my way to reconnect.

 

It was a month or more later when I got another call. Again, it was just a chance to get out for a beer - I was going to a party anyway - so I let him tag along. We weren't there for more than 30 minutes when he called someone and within minutes disappeared into a sweet ride out in the parking lot. Fifteen minutes later he comes back, continues with his charade, naturally disappears into the washroom a couple of times, and within twenty minutes begs off because it wasn't his kind of crowd. Yeah, sure.

 

Many times during both visits this guy disrespected his girlfriend with degrading comments and insults. I was appalled and wondered if he was just trying to be cool. You don't know what motivates someone to do things that run contrary to what you would do. Now, with the math adding up to greater heights against his character, I was finding him difficult to believe about anything. The way I heard it, this woman was just a convenient piece of meat, her children a pain in the ass, women in general are trash, and on and on. This disturbed me and having concern for children's welfare generally speaking, I was somewhat concerned about the environment and risks for this woman's kids.

 

Well, situations like this can be somewhat perplexing. Do I keep out of it or do I say something? I opted to have a conversation with the building manager with whom I have good relations. He expressed concern about the same guy too - just something about it him didn't sit right. He ended up telling the woman about our conversation. I didn't mind, we had discussed it, and the welfare of her kids, as well as her. Well, it didn't go over so well. This is the state of the current relationship, and naturally the coke-head is pissed at me too. Why is the truth so hard for so many to face?

 

Oh well, I do wish them all the best. I regret that they cannot see what is happening right in front of them. I've watched my own destruction in my life. It's healthy to be observant and curious about what is failing and why. I've been observant most of the time, curious all of the time, and craving the new and improved Lee the whole time. I had an anchor to the true nature of my character, my values, and life journey that gave me access to something bigger than just the pain that I was stumbling through at any given time.

 

Strange world, strange people, that's about all I can think of to say about all of this shit. It is a strange world, blindly following the blind, repeating history - that's what the blind following the blind really means - and getting lost in a wilderness of violent negativity. There are so many strange people, lost in the crossfire of social beliefs, religious beliefs, political beliefs, and their own conflicted life experiences, leading them through the dark forest of fear. They're so comfortable with their fear, the insulated world of insecurities, that they cannot even face the truth and their own power found in that truth. Sad, isn't it?

 

 

TOPIC #1

As you can see, I have returned to my more descriptive profile pic, now that you all know what I look like. Perhaps, from time to time, I will go back to it, but this one is also me, figuratively! ;) I work waaaaaaaaay too much, but what time I have, I dance through life. I seek always the abundance of what life offers, and though sometimes I get hurt or disappointed in the process, I cannot and will not be anything other than who I am. That said ... let's move to the next topic. :)

TOPIC #2

We started a discussion yesterday about dress and the responses that our dress elicit. Are we responsible for the reactions and responses of others? Are we respnsible for our own motives for our dress?

LADIES:
• Are we dressing to be comfortable?
  
• Are we dressing for success in the business world?
  
• Are you dressing to appear as attractive as possible to those you meet?
  
• Are you dressing to arouse the opposite sex?
  

MEN:
• Are you dressing to be comfortable?
  
• Are you dressing for success in the business world?
  
• Are you dressing to appear as attractive as possible to those you meet?
  
• Are you dressing to arouse the opposite sex?

Same questions on both sides ... Sooooo ... Let's talk! What is lewd or provocative dress? What is sensual dress?