Self-confidence @ MindSay 
My hair needs to go.
It’s just awful. It's fried due to all my dying and straightening and not taking care of it. It's also a really gross shade of blonde (the brown I got done last month has faded out). I don't see any more reason to keep it, especially since I have bald spots due to trich. And it'll take months before I can comfortably leave my hair down without being self-conscious about my bald spots. But who says that I won't pull a new bald spot by then? I figure that shaving my head (or cutting it less than a cm, same difference in my mind, really) will be a new beginning for me, and the hair that grows in will be my natural colour, and healthy. My hair right now is like straw...the same colour and everything. I can't stand to even look at it never mind touch it. In fact, I've been pushing it all back into a ponytail, and using a headband for my bangs because I can't stand to even touch my face. I hate it.
Of course when I do this (which will be within a month) I will be wearing a wig all the time, because no matter what I'm still self-concious and won't have the guts to show my bare head in public. But I still take this as a way to improve my self-confidence and have a new beginning.
Unfortunately, my parents don't see it that way. About an hour ago I brought out the phone book and my parents asked me why.
"Because I'm calling a place,” I told them
"What place?"
"A wig store."
"Ohhh stop it!" they said.
And from there was an argument. Not much of one really. The main thing they kept saying was "It's foolish!" But whenever I asked why they never gave a reason. Why is it foolish for me not to have security-blanket hair?
Why is it foolish for me to want to have a new beginning and help my trichotillomania?
Why is it foolish for me not to waste money on hair dye and products to try and “fix” my hair when I could just cut it off and have natural healthy hair?
Ok, granted, wigs are 250 dollars or more, but I'll be using it all the time once I buy it, and seeing it as “dollars per use”, it's not that bad. And this will probably be a one-time deal: I've learned my lesson about excessive hair dying. And once I shave/cut my hair really short, I won't have any to pull. I see it as an advantage for me to not have hair at this point. I don't see why my parents think having a shaved head as a bad thing. It's hair, not an arm or a heart. I can live without it.
The funniest thing in that argument was when my mom said "You're going to need your hair for the winter!"
Jeeze...I know we have really cold winters, but this is my first time hearing about deaths among people with shaved heads, lmao.
Regardless of their opinions, I will be doing this once I can get a wig. It'll boost my self-confidence and get rid of my vain “ways”. After all, I am not my hair. I don’t understand why they think I am. Are they going to be ashamed of having a daughter with a shaved head? If so, that’s really pathetic. I’m already half way there with my bald spots, why not just “finish the job”? Or am I supposed to wait till I pull it all out? Sure, I haven’t pulled in 9 days, but that doesn’t mean I won’t again. I’d like to think that I won’t pull, but this is an “addiction” and relapse is very much possible.
-Kristal St. Jean
when it comes to the internet and people, i don't ever show a pic of myself...
but up until recently i've been feeling good about myself...
so there you have it, i have finally put up a pic of myself on my profile...
i think i look decent...oh yeah, i played with andrew's comp for a bit and sharpened up the pic really a lot...
when i have it at regular size it looks like a puzzle...awesome-ness
Today, I went out to lunch with my mentor and one of my bosses. It was
REALLY nice to hear them tell me how well I've done and that they are
going to miss me. It makes all the crap I feel like I was put through
worthwhile. I know that I make a favorable impression on most adults,
but it is completely different when someone who is 30 or 40 years old
accepts you as a co-worker and respects you in that way. Besides, who doesn't like being told that they're smart, hard-working, a wonderful employee, and that they will definitely be successful at whatever they put their mind to?
Another co-worker that I did a little bit of work for told me basically the same thing. It was also nice to hear it from him because he was telling me that primarily based on what others had told him about my work. He also gave me some advice, which i thought was really good so I'm going to pass it on.
1. Keep that smile on your face. It makes everyone like you and it makes your day go by so much easier. Yes, you are going to get irritated and etc, but if you can do that it makes you a stronger person.
2. Keep your good sense of humor. If you can't laugh shit off then you're going to be miserable. That's all there is to it. It has made a HUGE difference in my life. I am still mortified by some of the stupid stuff I do and there will always be soft spots (i.e. things I can't laugh about doing), but I try my hardest to get over it and just laugh because its so much easier to deal with it from that point of view. I never used to be able to do that. I would always think that people would judge me for it and always remember that thing... but eventually I came to realize that I was my toughest judge and that no one else remembered beyond a couple days.
So yeah... chin up and smile... I promise, everything will be better :D
Why do we always put faith in things other than ourselves? Why do we put our faith in things we have no control over? Why do we put our faith in other people?
I don't know why, but I always seem to rely on others to make myself happy. I rely on friendships, my family, and just blind optimism that things will eventually go well or work out. I constantly try to remind myself that I shouldn't rely on anyone other than myself, but I find myself falling into the same traps. The largest one being that I care about others. I would give someone I loved and cared about almost anything I had, if I thought it would make them happy. Yes, after I do it I start having second thoughts. Then I think that perhaps I shouldn't have done whatever it was because it makes something else awkward for me or it leaves me lacking in something. The biggest thing that is difficult for me to understand is that all it takes is someone asking for something in an indirect manner for me to forget all of that and give again. Now that doesn't bother me, the sacrifice or the doing things for others, its the expectation that I will be "the rock." I am the one that everyone turns to when they need something and I feed off of that. Making others happy makes me happy. Having friends and people who love me makes me happy. When I am alone I am a wreck. Not always, but around 80% of the time my self-confidence goes down because I'm lonely because I have no one to lean on. I get depressed and I think of all the examples of situations where someone could be using me. I think of all of the things that no one seems to appreciate and the personality traits that people use against me.
People expect me to act a certain way. If I am not what they expect I am ridiculed, questioned, and probed at constantly. "What's wrong?" "Why do you act this way?" "Why are you a cold hearted bitch?" "Why are you so selfish?" Those are all common questions that I face. Why am I expected to be perfect and no one else is? Why do I make myself available for everyone else, yet am unable to help myself? How am I qualified to be there for anyone else when I question myself at every step of the way? Why can't I feel whole without the people around me to support and love me? Why did my parents shelter me and make me so dependent upon them and others?
I don't know. I didn't intend for this journal to turn out this way.
