Self Centered @ MindSay

Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).

However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.

When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.

What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.

However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.

But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.

High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.

I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.

I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.

Freakin weirdos out there. To you emo goth crybabies, you need to quit shooting up our schools. You people get on myspace and cry about how everyone ignores you or write your little poems and think about how cool you are because you think death is cool. Get a freakin life. Wah fuckin wah. I slash my wrists and nobody cares wah! wah! pay attention to me! the world revolves around me! wah! I'm sick of hearing whenever one of you dumbshits kills an innocent student who has control of their life. Call the waaaaaambulance! bitch bitch bitch thats alll you do. Instead of killing yourself after you shoot a bunch of people, just do it before and rid us of your poor genes. Actually i take that back. rid us of your horrid parenting habits you would pass on to your kids who would also be ignorant little shitheads who don't respect or listen to anyone, and think the whole world is centered around them and if something doesnt go perfect in their lives  then their lives are automatically a million times worse than anyone elses in history. You make up these harry potter names for yourself and think youre the shit and walk around pretending you like blood because everyone else does.

If you have such a big problem then go talk to somebody about it you can get help. If you think that writing on myspace or mindsay is a great outlet to your feelings, or what you call feelings youre wrong. Oh and guess what you think youre so cool that you love death. Be so quick to embrace something that is your end. Fools. I like guns so I'm cool! I like death so I'm cool!! I wear black so I'm cool! you claim to be rebels but youre conforming to others! you morons! Youre doing what other people do so you can be "popular!" How does that make you popular?! That doesn't you cool, that makes you a dumbass who isnt unique or original. And its not cool to have knowledge (ie guns, "death" vampires) unless you have a discipline to youre knowledge. I love guns woo Im so cool i know how to shoot. So what? You shoot kids you fuck! Theres nothing cool about that! you live in the city and look at your guns and think youre soooo special. well whatever you can think whatever you want. Im prepared to end your terror if you come trying to kill my friends.

Well now that youre dead you can be happy. happy that your existence is over. your afterlife awaits. and you go with the vampires the the damned reaches of Hell. This is what happens when there is no discipline in morals or life. you grow up doing whatever you want and youre a shithead. the world revolves around you. Well for your sake I hope you change. I accept everlasting life rather than your vaunted vampire life of living in a shell which will never be what its potential is. sitting around playing vampire video games and doing nothing with this amazing life you have been given. wanting death so soon. its a pity you think this way. but I dont pity you. you dont deserve it, at least not as of yet. you love your life of gluttony and nothingness. well have a wonderful time with that. My life is eccentuated by the Truth. You want this to end, discipline your kids and teach them how to live right. allowing them to do whatever they want doesnt teach them anything. They dont know how to grow up and live in this world; you do. Thats why youre their parents! so you can guide them and help them grow. not let them grow a stunted life without wisdom or guidance. Now that Ive written my essay for the night, I am finished. Leave something good. This is right. I know it.

Matt

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