Second Chances @ MindSay

The second time 4-27-04

I'm left knowing Love.

I'm left with the taste of love in my soul

I'm left with an aching head and salt in my tears

I'm bless to have felt another that held my heart

I'm left amazed that it happened to me.

Last Tuesday night I ended up drinking with the two female friends  M from Atlanta and S from Oregon.  I had known both of these friends for more than 20 years.  They also share another thing in common, they know about my relationship  (past and present) with my best friend  at work. My best friend and my twin from work were also invited to this outing. My best friend  had a late night date with his girlfriend and my twin was sick so neither made it to the bar. It started out like a normal girls' night out.   Since neither of my friends from the office could make it, I guess that was why everyone felt freer to speak about my relationship with my best friend.

M understands when I say that I can't leave my husband.  She stayed married until her children were grown to a man who professed to being indifferent to their marriage. So now she is divorced and has someone who treats her like she should have been for a long time. She knows and worries that I am not doing anything to make myself happy. She had asked me that question at the conference in Seattle this year and I told her that my best friend made me happy.

S who has gotten to know what goes on in my life at home with my husband apparently had told M what is was like before I got to the bar.  So the conversation pretty much boiled down to the fact that I could not do everything, that my husband has some kind of death wish, and that I should get what happiness I could with my best friend.

Oh if only it could be that easy.

Taking chances.  Its the one thing in life that scares us the most.  We fear the unknown.  We fear the outcome, the consequences, maybe even the possibilities that come from chance.  Life is a gamble.  We sit at the table and bet it all, every day, every moment, every choice.  Some times we go all in and other times we bet the table minimum.  Love is an all in moment.  If you dont bet big then you cant win big.  I have bet big on love.  Unfortunetly, as all of us have one time or another, I have not always gone all in.  When you dont give every thing when betting on love you will loose every time.  You have to be ready to bet it all and loose everything.  If you are not prepared to loose it all then you are not prepared to reap the rewards. 

I bet big on love.  I did not bet everything.  I held back just in case and now im left with nothing.  I loved someone for a very long time and that person loved me back.  I did not love that person as much as I should have.  I was afraid of taking the big chances in life.  Afraid of doing what needed to be done for us because I was scared of the outcome.  I was scared that the choices were going to be hard on me.  I failed to see that the choices that were made by the other person were hard on her.  The sacrifices she made for us.  When given the choice to do the right thing, I flintched.  I failed.  I never wanted to sacrifice myself for us.  I was afraid.  Now im alone.  The us is gone and the only thing left is me.  I had sacrificed more by my selfish behavior than what I was asked to sacrifice for us. 

This is not the first time that Ive been too afraid to go all in.  I wrote about "lost love".  About holding back my feelings from someone that I truely loved.  Someone that I cared about in a way that I never expressed.  I was never honest to her about how I really felt.  I got lucky this time.  I got the second chance.  Fate delt me one more hand.  This time, though, I was ready.  I learned from the past and I had picked up some of the rules and I was ready to go all in.  It is very rare that life affords us the opprotunity of a "do over".  I have been fortunite enough in the past few years to have learned to identify these rare and precious few moments.  We all have those moments where we could have used a "do over".  I was afforded one of these very moments.  The women that I loved, and never told, had read a piece of my writing and inquired about it.  I was now looking at one of my life's greatest moments.  I was looking at fate giving me a "do over", dealing me back in one more time.  This time I knew exactly how to play this hand.  I went all in.  I told this women that I love her.  I told her that I have always loved her and that I will always love her.  I put all my chips in, I laid all my cards out.  I was facing the possibility of loosing my friend, of being rejected, and all the other doubts that play into these situations.  I played the most terrifying hand of my life with everything that I had, ready to loose it all, and it was the best hand I have every played. 

This hand was not about winning or loosing.  This hand was not about getting what I wanted.  Im not going to tell you a romantic story about how we lived "happily ever after".  This was about getting a second chance.  This was about understanding that life had given me a "do over", another chip in the big game, and I seized the moment.  Without hesitation, without doubt, and without fear.  I took a chance to loose everything and go all in. 

Did I win?  Was there a  big prize at the end?    Again, this was not about winning.   I got a chance to settle up.    I even'd up with one of life's biggest debts: "what if".  I was in the black.   We were square.  For 11 years I had carried the "what if I had only said something" "what if I had one more chance to say how I felt" "what if..." "what if..." "what if...".  No more.  I said what I wanted to say.    I said it to the person that I wanted, more than anything, to say it to.  I could not ask for more than that.  It was perfect. 

What hands are yet to be delt, I dont know.  Will the cards go again in my favor, I dont know.   Thats not what this was about.  Thats not why I bet it all.  What I do know is this, the one simple truth:  I got a second chance.  I was prepared to bet everything and prepared to loose everything.  I was playing with my heart, mind, and soul.  I was willing to go all in with every one of them, on this hand.  Love's motto is "put up or shut up".  If you dont bet it all then you are going to loose.  I could not afford to make that mistake again.  Not with her, not this time. 

I was given a chance, delt a second hand, a "do over".  I know that these chances are rare.  They are few and far between.  I have learned a hard lesson and played an even harder hand.  I dont know what the future holds but I know what I have to do.  I know what to prepare for.  I know that I have to be willing to loose everything.  Im grateful for my second chance.  I would never have traded that for the world.  I am truely grateful. 

I have learned a great deal about love, life, my heart, the right thing, and the like.  Love has delt some very good hands and Ive played all of them as best as I knew how.  Im better prepared for the next round.  Im ready to put all the chips on the table and play with everything I have.  Im ready to loose everything for love.  Im ready to sacrifice myself for the us in love.   This is the only way to win.  The only way to really give and recieve love:  give it everything you have.  We will see what the next hand looks like. 

Greg.

hindi ako makatulog. ewan. naiisip kita sa mga oras na ito. hay. hindi ko alam kung bakit. naiisip ko kung pano na tayo bukas. sa kabila ng lahat ng nangyari, MAHAL parin kita. naging masakit para sakin na malaman yung mga ganung bagay. natatakot ako na  magising na lang isang araw na wala ka na. ayoko na mangyari ulit yun, ayoko na maramdaman yung sakit. ikaw parin laman nito .

iloveyou.

xx.hugs.and.kisses.xx

8-30-01

Could You?

Could you forgive me

Could you forget

Could you look to the future and be happy with our past

Could you love me unconditionally without doubt

Could you believe in me and make it known

Could you trust me and realize that I’m just a man

Could you see me with new eyes that never knew

Could you take our love and treat it like you couldn’t live without it

Could you show me your love the way I need to be shown

Could You?