School Friends @ MindSay

Hate. Deep down inside, that's all I have left.

I hate the place I live.

I hate school.

I hate my life.

I hate me.

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have to drag myself out of bed to go to school, have to force myself to talk, have to force myself to eat. Everything is forced, smiles, laughter, normalcy.

One of my friends actually ran away, and that was the breaking point. I wish I'd had the guts to go with her. This place, it digs at my very being. Everyone's being. I can't openly admit I'm bisexual as it would get out and I'd be even more alone. I can't admit anything. I can't be who I want to be.

I shouldn't say I'm alone. That's selfish, I suppose. I have friends at school, but...they just don't feel like friends should. Perhaps it's just me. But none of them really 'get' me. The problem is, they think they do. And then I get pissed, but smile and say, "You're right, I AM like that." I think if I was the real me, I'd be crying. I'd be falling to pieces in front of everyone. I'd be, dare I say it, broken. And frankly, I couldn't do that anyone I knew.

Why won't I cry? I feel the tears inside my heart, but they just won't come. I involuntarily bottle them up, saving them for when I break down once and for all.

I can't admit so many things. I tried to commit suicide once. Obviously, it didn't work. I've thought about it, all the time.

'If I do it, it'll all end. There won't be anyone to judge you. You won't feel like this anymore.'

Then I think, 'Would anyone care? What about all the things I haven't done?'

I just...I need to be taken care of. I act independent, strong, brave. But all I want is someone to hold, someone to hold me back.

I feel so different, and not in the good way. I feel immature beyong hope. I feel broken. I feel like a freak. I feel stupid. I feel ugly. I feel fake. I feel like a failure. I feel like I want to DIE! I feel like a coward because I WON'T DO IT! I feel confused.

And there's my rant for the night.

okay so


there's this girl who i've been best friends with since i can remember. ( well, more like 2 years.. )


but recently school and.. other stuff has been straining our relationship.

she keeps pressuring me into being her friend. i feel like since we've been friends so long it would be rude and shameful of me to just blow her off... but it really is hard on me..

we haven't hung out together for 3 weeks ( and then it was with her boyfriend, which stresses me out because whenever they're together, all they do is make out!!! ) and she called me asking for my camera...

... i really have lost it, but i don't feel like i should have to give it to her, you know?
so i told her i couldn't find it. AND I CAN'T! T_T~

i just wish i knew how to end the relationship peacefully and unawkwardly ( we both go to school together, so i'm sure we'll get classes together in the future, ESPECIALLY if we stop being friends. )....

nothing is real anymore...

in addition, school is so hard! T_T!!
i'm barely passing geometry!! it's sooooooo hard. >w< but i'll do my best!

i've got a rough draft of a speech due in 2 days, and.. ugh.. a play.. and.. ugh.. so much...


wish me luck!

-ko

I haven't hung out with my real friends like all summer. It kind of bums me out. I haven't been around the people I love aside from my family...I can't wait for school to start...yuppers cuz then I get to see all my friends. My senior year. It is going to be so GREAT!!!

 

I miss all my friends. Blah. I was hoping to hang out with them all this summer before school starts, but I don 't think I will have enough time. LOL Busy.

 

Damn there is this guy who keeps trying to gett all on me and I am just like go away my heart belongs to someone else. I don't even know if his still belongs to me though. IDK...guess I will find out sooner or later!

 

Anywho, I am going to go now cuz I am meeting with a couple friends at a club. I leave for home tomorrow.

another myspace lawsuit

ok, so seriously, i do feel bad for the people that are hurt in the process of making myspace friends, but COME THE FUCK ON!!! ok, so these people set up accounts, they "extended their network" by adding random people, or accepting requests...does that make sense??? why the fuck would you add someone you don't know??? yeah you want to make friends, but fucking stick to a network, are you that fucking lonely in life you can only speak over the internet??? it really bothers me how these people, who nevermind are under 18, go out and meet their "friends" they met on myspace or any internet blog/chat!!! you can't always blame the parents, they can only do so much...

this is my strategy...in my myspace network (yes i have a ms) i started off ONLY ADDING PEOPLE FROM MY GRADUATING CLASS FROM MY SCHOOL!!! then i searched for people i lost touch with after middle school, then people from elementary school...get the picture??? so 80% of my network is the same as my friends...i've added a couple of people here and there, mainly because i knew them through a friend...

i noticed once i changed from straight to bisexual/lesbian i got more friend requests...so i decline all the guys, and add only the girls who are not only in my state, but if they happen to go to the same school as me...but most of the time, i just say DECLINE!!! and i guess this is the step that most kids who get abducted forget to see...YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT EVERY PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!! i don't care if his picture is so cute and he's hot as hell!!!

so now it seems as if i am angry at the world for not making friends, but that's just my take...

what i don't seem to understand is why these people go out and meet this people,  and alone for {higher power}'s sake!!! i guess everyone wants to make friends, but please BE CAREFUL!!! do you not see the news or read the paper...if you're on the internet you have to at least see one story of a person being assaulted from a myspace buddy...so why don't you wise up???

so apparently myspace is using some technology now for parents to keep track of their kids...then kids wonder why they don't get any privacy anymore...it shouldn't even have to go to these measures...but eh, what do i know, i only have about 100 friends in my network...

and girls STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE!!! men/women are sexual in nature, if you show it, they want it...simple as that...myspace is so trashy at times...

so if you're starting up an account first start by keeping your friends, then making some, and if you do be careful...

Well... what to write about.

 

Today I lay about the house like a lazy sod playing with my phone.

 

Yesterday I went to visit a friend from school that I hadn't seen in like 2 years.

Her dad had a heart attack last year...

It was really good to see her again.

 

Another of my friends form school is getting married in February.

So that should be really fun.

I saw her before christmas with her bouncing baby boy.

He's so adorably cute.

 

It's been a while since I thought about school.

I mean really, really thought about it.

 

It didn't really do much for me, finishing year 12.

But I spose it was the best for me.

I moved to Orange, met some great people, made some friends for life.

 

I found where I belonged, in a sense.

I discovered that I love the stage, and I really can sing, even though I doubt myself.

 

I found a course that did me good.

And even got to continue on against all odds!

 

So really. The fact that school didn't do much for me is a lie.

Because if I had gone to Uni, the last 2 years wouldn't have occured.

Not to mention the friends I made and the stuff I learnt.

 

I think I value my friendships the most.

And the lessons I learned.

 

So yeah. Thinking of that, I thought of school.

 

And that's about all I have to say.

Cheerio all.

Hope 2007 is shaping up to be an awesome year for you all.

 

Over and Out.

Matty D.